no matter how much I try I can never be good enough
I dont understand why I am this way. Sometimes I wish that I lived a different life- in someone elses body that would be better than mine, that I didnt live with fear in my heart and that I could grow the strength to never be hurt again. But through out this investigation of my life- the manifestation of hate grows deeper in my heart and later turns me in to the paranoid, self-loathing creature that I have become. Never can fully grasp relationships- only to enter open hearted and open-minded to be later put in last and confirmed as barely alive anymore. The people I try to make happy- are never happy with me or because of me. I have found only a path of dystruction and chaos with the life of drugs that I have drown myself in to be the only mental release from this anguish. Never to feel alive again. Only wishing sometimes that I could be less dead to the world.