My mother...
…is completely and utterly drunk.
I just had to stop her from removing her eye make-up with nail varnish remover. She swears she’s "soberly perfect", but I don’t believe her.
It’s 2am, and she’s downstairs munching cornflakes with salt and trying to buy fish tanks off QVC (we have no fish), repeatedly calling up the stairs with random outbursts such as, "I’m my daughter’s mother!"
This, my friends, is why I don’t drink. *grins* I’m bad enough already. Can you imagine me on alcohol?
Right. If you’ll excuse me, I need to go stop my mother having drunken conversations with the remote.