Dear Paul,
This is not some sappy love letter, or the desperate last attempt of an ambitious school girl trying to win a losing battle. No, this is the truth, stripped of all social pressures and cultural demands. This is my promise to you, one that I will honor and respect whether you chose to act upon it or not.
First of all, I will not lie to you or pretend I don't have feelings for you in hopes that that will change the way things are between us. I'm not that naive and suppressing my feelings is no more fair to you than it is to me. But it is not my intention to force those feelings upon you either, as I have, so after this you will hear no more from me on a personal level. I am not promising that I will never leave you a comment on Facebook or pretend that you (or I) don't exist should I see you at school. I am not going to stop going to salsa, because I am not going there because of you, I'm going because I love to dance and right now that's my one opportunity to do it. What I am promising is that I will not send you any more messages, texted or Facebooked, that are desperate for answers or demanding some response or reason. I will not ask that things just go back to normal or why can't we just continue to be friends? No, after this, I promise there will be no more outward show of how I feel about you.
The truth is, Paul, that I have fallen in love with you, a concept that has gone from terrifying me to being an accepted part of who I am now, a part of me that will either fade with time or envelope me should you return the feeling. Either way it is a feeling that will be with me for the rest of my life. This love, it is not set in stone. It is not the ambitious love with its future already planned out. It's more like a childhood crush that one feels for a close friend. Yes, it's something that could grow stronger, but it doesn't need to in order to thrive. Realizing this, the desperate feeling of losing you that I've had has gone away, leaving me with a sort of contentment and the piece of mind to embrace the time we did have together not as something that I've now lost - though I do miss being able to talk to you - but as something that I've gained.
I told you that I cared about you more than I have cared about anyone in a long time and that's the honest truth. The last guy that I cared this much for was my best friend until our paths drifted apart. And while my love and care for you are intertwined, my care is so much stronger. When I came to realize this, it made so much sense because care was the first feeling that I had for you. It started that first day in the language lab when I finally learned the reason for the pain behind your smiling face. Knowing your story filled me with this fierce desire to protect you from the world and it led me to make that promise that I would never take advantage of you as Kayla and Shelly had: a promise that tortured me when I discovered that I had fallen for you. Because, by falling for you, wasn't I taking advantage of you? So, I spent the rest of our conversations dropping subtle hints about how I felt, hoping that you would feel the same, hoping that you would catch on and be warned of the danger I was putting you in. But, at the same time, I was unwilling to give up what we had. This brings me to now.
Not being able to talk to you has put things into perspective for me and I've realized that what I want to offer you is actually very simple: a chance to heal. So, here is my promise to you:
I promise to protect you, to help you heal and learn to live with the past and not worry about the future, without the need of alcohol or drugs. I promise to be a shoulder you can lean on, a hand that you know will always be there should you falter or fall. I promise to listen to all your problems - whether you feel you're being a broken record or not - no matter what time it is or what I am doing at that moment. I promise to help you pick up the broken pieces and help you learn to trust and love again. I promise to be someone you can hang out with without fearing the consequences or implications. I promise to be there for you for as long as you need or want me. I promise to be your stepping stone to that someone of your future; and if that someone, by some twist of fate, be me: I promise to make love fun again, to teach you how to laugh and smile again free of pain and doubt. I promise to love you, unconditionally forever, whether you return the feeling or no. This, all of this, is my promise to you, should you wish to act upon it or not, it is there. If you have no feelings for me, I understand, and it does not change what I have written here. If you do have feelings for me, I hope you will at least consider what I am offering. Whichever applies to you, I will be waiting until Fall, and longer if you ask me to. I can understand if it's just too soon still. In any case, I'm unconditionally and irrevocably yours.
Love,
~Nora~
First of all, I will not lie to you or pretend I don't have feelings for you in hopes that that will change the way things are between us. I'm not that naive and suppressing my feelings is no more fair to you than it is to me. But it is not my intention to force those feelings upon you either, as I have, so after this you will hear no more from me on a personal level. I am not promising that I will never leave you a comment on Facebook or pretend that you (or I) don't exist should I see you at school. I am not going to stop going to salsa, because I am not going there because of you, I'm going because I love to dance and right now that's my one opportunity to do it. What I am promising is that I will not send you any more messages, texted or Facebooked, that are desperate for answers or demanding some response or reason. I will not ask that things just go back to normal or why can't we just continue to be friends? No, after this, I promise there will be no more outward show of how I feel about you.
The truth is, Paul, that I have fallen in love with you, a concept that has gone from terrifying me to being an accepted part of who I am now, a part of me that will either fade with time or envelope me should you return the feeling. Either way it is a feeling that will be with me for the rest of my life. This love, it is not set in stone. It is not the ambitious love with its future already planned out. It's more like a childhood crush that one feels for a close friend. Yes, it's something that could grow stronger, but it doesn't need to in order to thrive. Realizing this, the desperate feeling of losing you that I've had has gone away, leaving me with a sort of contentment and the piece of mind to embrace the time we did have together not as something that I've now lost - though I do miss being able to talk to you - but as something that I've gained.
I told you that I cared about you more than I have cared about anyone in a long time and that's the honest truth. The last guy that I cared this much for was my best friend until our paths drifted apart. And while my love and care for you are intertwined, my care is so much stronger. When I came to realize this, it made so much sense because care was the first feeling that I had for you. It started that first day in the language lab when I finally learned the reason for the pain behind your smiling face. Knowing your story filled me with this fierce desire to protect you from the world and it led me to make that promise that I would never take advantage of you as Kayla and Shelly had: a promise that tortured me when I discovered that I had fallen for you. Because, by falling for you, wasn't I taking advantage of you? So, I spent the rest of our conversations dropping subtle hints about how I felt, hoping that you would feel the same, hoping that you would catch on and be warned of the danger I was putting you in. But, at the same time, I was unwilling to give up what we had. This brings me to now.
Not being able to talk to you has put things into perspective for me and I've realized that what I want to offer you is actually very simple: a chance to heal. So, here is my promise to you:
I promise to protect you, to help you heal and learn to live with the past and not worry about the future, without the need of alcohol or drugs. I promise to be a shoulder you can lean on, a hand that you know will always be there should you falter or fall. I promise to listen to all your problems - whether you feel you're being a broken record or not - no matter what time it is or what I am doing at that moment. I promise to help you pick up the broken pieces and help you learn to trust and love again. I promise to be someone you can hang out with without fearing the consequences or implications. I promise to be there for you for as long as you need or want me. I promise to be your stepping stone to that someone of your future; and if that someone, by some twist of fate, be me: I promise to make love fun again, to teach you how to laugh and smile again free of pain and doubt. I promise to love you, unconditionally forever, whether you return the feeling or no. This, all of this, is my promise to you, should you wish to act upon it or not, it is there. If you have no feelings for me, I understand, and it does not change what I have written here. If you do have feelings for me, I hope you will at least consider what I am offering. Whichever applies to you, I will be waiting until Fall, and longer if you ask me to. I can understand if it's just too soon still. In any case, I'm unconditionally and irrevocably yours.
Love,
~Nora~