I feel like I'm disappearing
I'm not going to be sending my letter to Paul. There's no need. It wasn't meant for him, it was meant for me. I needed to write down everything that I wanted to give him. I had to put that promise and those feelings down on paper so that I would never forget them, but so that I could let them go. I needed to write it because I needed closure, and it did bring closure. Since writing it I have felt no need to see him every possible chance I had, even if it was only a picture of him on his Facebook. I don't feel a need to search his every word or move (mostly on Facebook, since I have no access to him in any other way) for some clue as to why he's avoiding me, as to what went wrong. I haven't moved on. If my relationships of this strength that I've had in the past have taught me anything it's that my feelings for him will never disappear, they'll fade, and I would say that they have finally started to, but they will always be there. And as I said in the letter, that's okay with me. I've come to accept that and I'm learning to live with it, or I will learn. So, while I don't have to say 'good-bye' myself, I do have to accept and respect the fact that he said it a long time ago. In fact, when I came clean with him, when I told him that I had feelings for him that second week of school, I started by saying 'Since you seem intent on saying good-bye . . ." and he didn't deny it, in fact, I think he agreed. It just wasn't until now that I was able to allow myself to remember that. Now, well, I'm not fine, but I'm surviving. I'll go on living as I always have, as I always will because I'm the one that people lean on, I'm the sturdy, stable one and that's okay, I need that reputation in times like this because it gives me a role that I'm comfortable playing, one that I feel safe in. So, that is where I stand. To prove my closure, I saw him yesterday. I was on my way to class and I nearly ran into him on my way. I wasn't expecting to see him, even though I was going through the hall that I used to stalk him in: it was too early for him to be rushing to class. So, when I'm about to pass by the stairs leading up to one of the entrances to the college and he's so suddenly there that it forces both of us to halt, I was surprised, as was he, if I read the look on his face correctly. A week ago I would've said something: "Paul!" "Hey," or just tried to talk to him. Yesterday, after our eyes met for a moment, long enough to take in each others' expressions, I just dropped my gaze, gave a silent, pathetic wave and continued toward my class. I never looked back. I feel like I'm disappearing and like that's exactly what he wanted all along. Before I got up this afternoon, I had a dream where for one reason or another he told me to wait as I passed by him. I stopped. I don't remember exactly what we said, but what I do remember is what I ended up saying to him: "I have to get over you, whatever I'm feeling for you has to fade because if I continue hoping, I'm going to shatter and I don't have the time or the will to put myself together again. I have to disappear." I have to set my hope aside and let my inner Apollo (god of reason and logic, among other things) regain control again because I don't have the emotions or the strength to continue to be in love once that hope runs out and all I'm left with is the pain. And so, the river road leaves the river to travel on its lonely course, moving ever closer to its destination as it has for years upon years, unchanging yet never the same. Or, in less cryptic speech: life must go on in whatever form it comes, I can only keep on living.