Manipulator
I feel like such a creep right now that I feel a greater urge to write about why that is than to do homework. Since the beginning of this semester I have -- yes, I admit it -- stalked Paul. Upon hearing his answer to why he was no longer talking to me, I responded defensively -- though honestly. Now, I know that I should've remained calm and simply asked, what do you mean? or Why? But the truth is that I totally brought his rejection upon myself because I was purposely dropping hints throughout our early conversations because-- even though I had said that I had no hidden agenda in our friendship -- I have been in love with at least the idea of him being my boyfriend since the first time I really noticed him. I'm such a jerk! Every move I made around him, listening to him, showing sympathy for his ex-girlfriend problems, all of it was just a manipulation on my part to get what I ultimately wanted. I'm such a bastard! I don't even deserve him and he had every right and reason to be avoiding me. I say I just want friendship, but that's a lie. I only want to return to his good graces because it would mean that I would have another chance to pursue him. I'm only backing off in hopes of having another chance to talk to him. The only thing I've done honestly, without an ulterior motive, was start going to salsa again. Yes, I am partly going because I had hoped that by my being there he would come to remember how much he enjoyed talking to me once. But, ultimately, I'm going because I enjoy dancing and that's my one opportunity to do it. That's ironic, too, because originally dancing was the one barrier that I put up: I told myself that I wasn't allowed to go because salsa had been his thing long before it was mine, and that I had to no right encroaching on his territory. Well, needless to say,I have, and it's really the one thing I don't regret in this whole affair. Because, if I hadn't gone, I would never have talked to Aaron and learned that Paul told him that I had showed up at his classroom a couple times. That is what set this whole entry off: to be able to see a smidgen of my behavior through the eyes of someone else, it's very enlightening. I realized that I am -- have been -- being a complete creep on par with Scott. And, while I had noticed the hypocrisy in my behavior before this, hypocrisy and feeling like an actual stalker, are very different things. Hypocrisy did not give me a reason to regret my explosive response to Paul's original message or my obsessive waiting outside his classroom for a chance to at least see him, if not talk to him. Hypocrisy did not force me to take a step back and look at this from his view -- dammit I've been so blind, selfish, egotistical! And I consider myself an enlightened human being! I should've listened to my heart. There was a reason it was beating so nervously -- so much so that I couldn't look at him or sit still while waiting for him: it was because I shouldn't have been there! And if I couldn't say something to his face then that should've been a sign that it shouldn't have been said. That's the danger of text messaging, Facebook and even phone calls. It's so unreal when you talk to someone electronically that it makes it easy to say anything -- especially things you shouldn't say. I want to apologize to him. But how? And, more importantly, why? Because I've been an utter jerk and I feel guilty; or because I hope that by doing so I can manipulate him into being my friend again, allowing me another chance at pursuing him? Right now, I'm ashamed to admit, it's the latter that rings more true. To think that I was convinced that my mind was against this whole thing, was putting up doubts and tears in an effort to swing me from my path of pursuit, when in reality, it was what was guiding me since, since when? When did that innocent effortless love end and my heart start giving me the warnings of my mind's machinations? I think it was the moment that I realized he had stopped talking to me. But maybe it was before that. Maybe its cold-calculation, and not my heart, was what picked him out of the crowd. He was vulnerable, did I know that? Is that what appealed to me? Have I been manipulating him from the day I met him? Sadly, arrogantly, bitterly, frustratingly, disappointingly, shamefully, pathetically, aggravatingly . . . yes. And not just him, I've been manipulating myself. I once asked how good a liar you would have to be in order to lie to yourself. I answered that -- not a very good one if all the lies are ones you want to believe. So, now, how powerful of a manipulator do you have to be to manipulate yourself? This answer is just as simple: you can't manipulate someone who doesn't want to be manipulated. So, honestly, I knew, all along, what I was doing. I knew why I chose him, why I dropped subtle hints into every one of our conversations, why I listened to him. I knew, but I didn't choose to stop it because of his innocence: I knew I wouldn't get caught. I think, in that whole period of time that I talked to him I only had two genuine heartfelt emotions: one was the first day we really talked and I learned about who he was -- and just how innocent he was. After seeing him vulnerable I felt an intense desire to protect him. That was a genuine emotion from the heart, I have no doubts. Of course, I spent the rest of the time and pretty much every conversation after that manipulating those weaknesses I discovered. Arrgh! Forget about my not being able to trust the world, how the hell can I trust myself!? If my mind is this manipulative and it is the mind that you use to analyze and therefore discover the truth behind things you feel, how can I ever know that what I'm thinking or feeling is real? And if I can't trust myself, who can I expect -- HOW can I expect anyone to trust me? I want to apologize to him, but right now my motivation for doing so is in question. Why do I want to apologize? For that matter, was I ever in love with him? I don't know, honestly, I have no idea. So, now what? What is the next thing to do from here? I'm going to let him go -- no doubts about that -- unless of course I really do love him and all this -- all this talk of manipulation -- is just a desperate ploy by my mind to save me from getting hurt. I don't know, how can I? I can't trust myself any more. In any case, whether I love him or not, it's time to say good-bye because I have been manipulating him and for that I don't deserve even his friendship. He taught me the last lesson he has to teach: that I am a selfish manipulative bastard and before I even try to fall in love with anyone else I need to rediscover who I am and learn to trust myself again. So, thank you, Paul, and I'm so, so sorry.