The Lightning Strike chapter 7
She clawed at the material above her, tearing it until she came to some type of wood. She pounded some more and yelled, but there was no response. She scratched and pulled at the wood until dirt began to fall onto her. When hit with the realization of what was happening, of where she was, Buffy worked that much harder to pull herself free.
Finally free, she remained on her knees until she could breathe evenly. Looking around, her mouth fell open when her eyes fell on her tombstone. In a desperate panic, she pushed to her feet. "Dean!" She yelled, though her throat was too hoarse for any kind of volume. She looked at the neighboring tombstones before she called again, "Dean!"
She checked every grave marker and none held his name. Lost and disoriented she wandered down a street until she saw a fire set by some demons, and then she began to run the other way.
#*#*#*#
That, too, proved futile. She soon found herself in an alley surrounded by creatures she could only assume were demons. She began to defend herself, but part of her wanted to surrender, she wanted no part of this world. Someone called, "Buffy?" and it was enough of a distraction for her to break away from the demons.
Buffy ran as best she could and hid behind a dumpster in the next alley, but the voices followed her.
"What's wrong with her?" Anya asked as they cautiously approached Buffy.
"Nothing!" Willow said sharply, "She - she's ... she's in shock."
"Her hands are bleeding. Her fingers," Tara said over her shoulder as she tried to approach Buffy.
"Oh, she's filthy," Anya complained.
"Oh no," Xander said quietly. "How could we ... so stupid!"
Willow looked at him in confusion. "What are you talking about, Xan?"
"Our spell. Our resurrection spell worked like a magic charm." He crouched down to get closer to Buffy. "We brought you back to life, Buffy." He looked back at Willow. "Right where we left her."
Willow and Tara looked shocked as they realized what Xander meant. Willow whispered, "Oh god. She had to ... dig out of her own grave."
"Buffy?" Xander held out his hand to her. "It's okay, Buffy, you're home now."
Home? Buffy was too confused to accept his proffered hand. How did she get here? Where was Dean? How did this happen?
A group of Hellions rounded the corner. "Look what we have here."
Buffy used all her pent up fear, confusion, and rage to battle the demons. When she finished, not a single Hellion was left alive.
"All right!" Xander shouted gleefully. "She's back! And she's the Slayer again."
Buffy stared at him, and then looked at her bloody hands. "No," she whispered. Her eyes danced over them before she took off running.
She didn't know where she was going until she found herself at the rickety tower Glory and her minions built. This, Buffy thought, I remember this.
She climbed to the top, stood at the end of the platform, and looked down. It was just an open space, what was supposed to be here? She put her hand to her head as she tried to force herself to remember.
#*#*#*#
Blocks away, Dawn and Spike ran from a different set of Hellions. As they did, they came across the broken body of the Buffy-bot.
Spike carefully lifted the torso. "You think Willow's going to want this back so she can reassemble it?"
Dawn didn't respond to his question. In the distance, she could see the tower where Buffy died. Though that night was months ago, every time Dawn saw the tower, it was a raw, fresh wound in her memory.
Spike followed her eye line and cursed himself. "Come on, bit, help me grab a crate to stash her in."
"Spike," Dawn said with a quivering voice. "Someone's there." While her rational side didn't want to believe it, she knew it was Buffy.
#*#*#*#
With her eyes closed, Buffy swayed on the platform.
Lightning flashed. Dawn was bleeding. A hole opened in midair.
Buffy's eyes sprung open and she grabbed at a rail as she remembered diving off the platform into the glowing portal.
She looked around. Nothing was glowing. Where was the way out?
Carefully, Dawn climbed the disintegrating tower. Once at the top, she took a cautious step to the figure standing at the far end. "Buffy?"
Buffy looked apprehensively at her and remained quiet.
Dawn gasped in amazement, "Buffy? Is it you? I mean really? How is this possible?" Dawn smiled tentatively, and took a step forward. "What are you do-?"
Suddenly, the tower creaked and shuddered under Dawn's feet. She grabbed the pole beside her for support, looking down fearfully.
Buffy turned back to the end of the platform. Dean. Dean was on the other side of this, this hell. If she jumped, if she jumped maybe she could be with him again.
As if she knew what Buffy was thinking, Dawn shrieked, "No!"
Buffy looked down at the ground below. Where is the light?
"Don't! Don't jump, Buffy, don't move! Just walk to me. Please!" Dawn pleaded.
Buffy turned away. The tower creaked and trembled. Where is that light? Where is that bright light I jumped into? Why isn't it here?
Terrified that Buffy was going to jump again, Dawn took a step closer to her. "I'm your sister, Dawn. We were up here together, and then ... you went away. And you don't wanna do that again. I don't know how you're back, but you are, and please, just stay still."
Buffy faced Dawn again, but the tower shook and Dawn had to fight for balance.
"Or-or move. But-but towards me," Dawn begged. "Because the tower was built by crazy people and I don't think it's holding up very well. Please Buffy, talk to me, say something."
"Is this hell?" Buffy asked quietly.
"What?"
"Is this hell? Am I in hell?"
"No! Buffy, no!" Dawn answered barely hiding her horror. "You're here ... with me. Whatever happened to you, whatever you've been through, it's ... it's over now."
Buffy turned away from her sister to the empty place in the sky at the end of the platform. "It was so clear on this spot. I remember how shiny and clear everything was. But now ... now..." Buffy closed her eyes, she didn't turn around. She could see him. See his smile; see his eyes when he told her that he loved her. He was right there.
"Buffy, listen to me," Dawn said in a near panic. "You told me I had to be strong and I've tried. But it's been so hard without you. I'm sorry. I promise I'll do better, I will! If you're with me. Stay with me ... please. I need you to live. Live! For- "
"Dean," Buffy prayed in a whisper.
The tower shook again, hard. Dawn screamed and crouched down, as a piece of the tower fell off.
"Buffy!" Dawn yelled.
Buffy whirled around. "Dawn?"
"Buffy!" Dawn called in a terror.
Buffy snapped to the present and saw that her sister needed her. "Dawn!" She ran across the platform and grabbed Dawn around her waist. Together, they jumped for a rope and the pulley dropped them slowly to the ground.
#*#*#*#
Spike arrived at the platform in time to see it collapse. "Dawn!" He raced to the rubble terrified at what he would find.
"Spike! Spike! Over here!" Dawn called out when she heard him call for her. "Spike help me."
But the vampire was frozen in place; eyes glued to Buffy.
"Spike, come on, help me!"
Dawn's demand snapped Spike out of his stupor. "Dawn, how? Is that really her?" he asked quietly as he approached them.
"Spike, you have to help me get her home."
The vampire looked at the disoriented Slayer and her sister. "Right, come along, girls," he said lightly, hoping to keep his concern hidden. "What did you do?" he whispered harshly to Dawn.
"Me? Nothing. I found her here. Please, Spike, help me get her home, help me take care of her."
#*#*#*#*#
After getting Buffy cleaned up and into clean clothes, Spike tended to her wounded hands.
"How long was I gone?" Buffy asked as she took in the changes to her house.
"Hundred forty-seven days yesterday. Uh ... hundred forty-eight today," Spike replied with a small smile. "'Cept today doesn't count, does it?"
Buffy didn't respond. Her heart was telling her this was a nightmare, but her mind knew the truth. She saw his soft smile, she saw her sister's hopeful glances, but neither was what she needed.
Spike looked at her hands again, then back at her face. "How long was it for you, where you were?"
"Longer."
#*#*#*#*#
Willow, Tara, Anya and Xander burst through the front door.
A cacophony of voices was all that Buffy heard. "Is she here? - She's here! - You're here. - We didn't know where you were. - You ran away. - Buffy!"
"Are you okay?" Tara asked gently.
"You knew she was back?" Dawn demanded in anger. "How did you know?"
Choosing to treat her like a child, they ignored Dawn and began to question Buffy again.
Anya squinted at Buffy, "You're not a zombie, are you?"
"Anya!" Xander chided her.
Willow ignored them and asked, "Are you in pain?"
"What do you remember?" Xander asked.
Tara moved closer. "What do you know about what happened?"
Buffy looked pleadingly at Spike, she couldn't handle the barrage of questions.
Dawn recognized the look and her hackles rose. "Hey! Back off!" she shouted, making the Scoobies look at her in surprise. "You did this? What did you do?
"A spell. We, we did a spell," Willow stammered.
"We didn't think it worked, but ..." Xander said quietly.
"Is she going to be okay?" Spike asked before Dawn managed to.
"I'm okay," Buffy said dully, causing everyone to stare at her. "I'm gonna be fine. I remember. You brought me back." Her stomach rolled; her friends did this to her. Her friends tore her away from happiness and threw her into hell.
"What was it like?" Anya asked, allowing her curiosity to overrule the looks she got from the others.
Buffy closed her eyes. An image of Dean's loving eyes hovered in her mind. "I, I can't..."
"It's okay. You don't have to talk about this," Xander said softly. "Hey, do you want something? Anything? Pizza? I'll get you pizza."
"Yeah, something to eat-" Tara agreed, knowing that eating is a sign of life.
Willow shook her head. "She doesn't want pizza."
Tara turned to Willow. "I just meant- "
"Guys! Back off!" Dawn demanded.
The group silenced. "Dawn's right," Willow said after a moment. "We should just be quiet, and let Buffy tell us what she needs."
Buffy wanted to reassure them, but her heart had been torn out. "I, I think I ... just wanna go to sleep."
Tara nodded. "That's a good idea. You, you should sleep."
"Right. Long day. But, Buffy ... be happy," Willow smiled. "We got you out. We really did it."
Buffy nodded. "Yeah. Just really tired." She turned to her sister. "Is my room still..."
"Yeah. Yes. It's your room," Dawn said. Then she put her arm around Buffy to both hug her and support her. "Let me show you."
#*#*#*#*#
Buffy crawled under her covers and gave her sister a reassuring smile. "Thanks for helping me, Dawn."
Dawn hugged her. "I'm so glad you're back, Buffy. I missed you so much."
"Missed you, too."
Once Dawn shut the door, Buffy wept herself to sleep.
#*#*#*#*#
She dreamed of riding in the Impala with the windows rolled down and the wind whipping her hair around. Dean had the music cranked up and was drumming along just to make her laugh.
Then, they were back in Texas, at the Bluebird, making love on Dean's bed. She was trembling as she came apart and Dean had such love in his eyes that Buffy thought her heart would burst.
"I want to spend the rest of my life with you." She heard Dean say at the same time the birds singing outside her window roused her from her dream.
She sat up, rubbing the sleep from her eyes. Death is your gift.
John and Missouri stood at Dean's bedside. His son didn't look much like himself. He was so thin and pale, John nearly didn't recognize him. "Call his spirit back, Missouri. I know it's not
here. Without it he can't go on."
"And he can't get better," she said quietly as she tenderly caressed Dean's cheek.
"I'm not sure he will get better," John quietly admitted. How long had Dean been suffering alone in this hospital? John wondered. He would never forgive himself for letting this happen to his son.
"I'll try to call his spirit back, John. But you must have faith in the boy. He has to have a reason to come back."
Willow, Tara and Dawn were in the kitchen having breakfast, when Buffy joined them. "Buffy!" Dawn called joyfully, "You're up!" She wrapped her sister in a tight hug, which Buffy slowly returned. "Do you want breakfast?"
"We have pancakes and coffee and fruit," Tara offered warmly.
Buffy nodded. "Just coffee."
"How are you feeling?" Willow asked carefully as she handed Buffy a mug of steaming coffee.
Buffy threw the scalding liquid in the witch's face, grabbed her by her hair, and slammed her face into the counter. She then grabbed Tara and shoved her onto the burning stove.
"Fine," Buffy answered with a fake smile on her face. "Is Giles still around?"
"He went back to England, but we're going to call him later today and let him know you're back," Willow informed her with a friendly smile.
"Good, that's good. I should get back to my Slayer duties."
Tara and Dawn exchanged worried glances. "Don't you think you might be rushing things?" Tara asked nervously.
"Yeah, Buff, you just got here. No need to go risking your life," Dawn said, not caring if she sounded worried.
Buffy wore a blank expression wondering why they brought her back if it wasn't to be the Slayer again. "I think I need to get back into the swing of things. The sooner the better." She gently ran a hand over Dawn's hair. "What are you doing today?"
Dawn made a face. "School. Not that I want to, but -"
"Oh," Buffy sighed.
"We'll hang out when I get home. I promise."
"Dawn, we need to get going, or you're going to be late," Willow reminded her. "Buffy, I've got class, but everyone else will be at the Magic Shop if you want to hang."
Buffy forced a smile. "Sure, sounds good."
#*#*#*#*#
Once everyone had left and Buffy was alone, she took a slow exploratory walk of her house. She found a framed picture of her mother and remembered their talk on the beach. Enjoy this time with Dean, her mother had said. Dean, where was he?
Buffy went to the phone and dialed his number. Instead of his voice, she heard tones and a computer voice telling her 'the number cannot be completed as dialed'. She slumped onto the overstuffed arm chair. She had no other way of contacting him. She had no idea where he might be or even if he really existed.
She rummaged through drawers in search of a map. Finally, finding an old highway map, she tried to remember where she had been with Dean. Some of the northern towns sounded familiar, but she wasn't able to pinpoint their most recent location on the map.
Buffy combed her fingers through her hair. Maybe this map was too old. Maybe she could find a newer map. Dean knew her home was in Sunnydale, maybe he was going to come for her?
#*#*#*#*#
That night Buffy patrolled with a vengeance. She was the predator and she was begging for a challenge. She didn't have long to wait.
Restfield Cemetery came alive with vampires who had grown accustomed to free reign while the Slayer was gone. True, the Buffy-bot did a decent job of keeping most of Sunnydale's evil at bay, but plenty still roamed freely.
With an intensity she didn't know she had, Buffy destroyed every vampire she saw. But, she enjoyed toying with them. She enjoyed pummeling them until they begged for the stake. As they turned to dust at her hand, Buffy found it all completely unfulfilling and unsatisfying. The destruction wasn't enough.
Buffy stood in a pastel colored room. The curtains rustled in the soft breeze. "Well, what do you think?" Dean asked from the doorway.
Buffy swallowed over the lump in her throat. "Dean, it's perfect," she answered in a whisper as she turned around to take in the rest of the nursery.
Dean came up behind her and wrapped his arms around her. "I'm glad you like it. I want everything to be perfect for you and the baby." He brushed her hair aside and kissed her neck.
She responded by tilting her head and humming happily. "As long as I have you, my life is perfect."
Dean turned her in his arms. "Well, I'm not going anywhere," he murmured against her lips.
After waking in tears, Buffy vowed not to dream of him again. If sleeping meant dreaming, Buffy wouldn't allow herself to sleep. A broken heart and killing, these were what made a Slayer.
That night, Buffy continued her desperate hunt until the sun rose, but found nothing that quenched her desire to kill, her need to destroy. Spike watched her with an anxious curiosity as she faced three vampires. She left herself open for attack more than once, but each time, she had only been luring the vampire closer. Her kills were so brutal it was chilling to watch, and confirmed to Spike that something had changed in the Slayer.
#*#*#*#*#
Buffy collapsed into her bed, utterly exhausted, but that didn't stop the dreams.
Buffy was wearing that sundress and standing on a hill in the park next to the river. The breeze was blowing her hair back and the sun was warm on her face. She watched Dean approach and her whole body reacted to him. She never wanted anyone or anything as badly as she wanted him.
"Hey," he said with a practiced nonchalance.
She smiled at him then looked out over the river. "It's beautiful here, isn't it?"
"Yeah, it sure is." He hadn't seen the view because his eyes hadn't left her. Buffy shivered in the breeze. "You cold?" he asked as she rubbed her arms.
She turned to him, biting her lip playfully. "You offering to warm me up?" She stepped closer.
Smiling, he took her hands and pulled her into an embrace. She always fit so perfectly in his arms. As he held her he asked, "Feel better?"
"Mmm, much," Buffy murmured against his neck.
#*#*#*#*#
When Buffy woke later that day, she realized hunting until exhaustion wasn't stopping the dreams of Dean. Maybe she could take sleeping pills, if she took enough, perhaps she'd be too drugged to dream.
That night Buffy perused her weapons chest with a dissatisfied grimace. A gun would be nice, she thought. That nickel and ivory beauty Dean had let her use would have been perfect. She gathered a few weapons and tucked them into her coat.
Vampires proved to be so unsatisfying that Buffy barely wasted effort on them. Instead, she made her way to one of Sunnydale's demon bars. It wasn't crowded, but there was enough variety to pique her interest.
A M'Fashnik demon noticed her the moment she entered. "Slayer," he hissed in a threat.
"Smelly ugly thing," Buffy retorted.
A few other demons turned toward the unwelcome girl. A few ran, a few growled, the M'Fashnik sneered, "What are you doing here?"
Buffy sneered in return. "My job. Killing every last one of you." She drew a broad sword and charged the demon. They traded blows, but every time she was knocked down, Buffy swung at another demon on her way back to the brawl.
After decapitating the M'Fashnik demon, Buffy circled to confront all comers. During the melee that followed, Spike stepped up to assist Buffy. "What the hell are you doing, Slayer?"
"Slaying."
"Suicide is more likely," he barked as they ducked a blast of fire from a flame demon. When Buffy didn't argue, Spike thought there might be some truth to his accusation. But he wasn't allowed to dwell on that, several more demons joined in the battle against the Slayer.
Spike smashed several bottles of liquor on the floor and lit the mess on fire. He grabbed Buffy and dragged her out through a back door.
#*#*#*#*#
Once in the alley, Buffy took a couple swings at him, but Spike avoided them. "What was that about?" he demanded, but Buffy ignored him and walked away. "Buffy! We just got you back. You can't go risking your life like that! Think what it would do to Dawn if she lost you again."
Full of venom, Buffy spun to face him, ready to separate his head from his body, until she saw his tender, worried, eyes. He cared. He cared about her and Dawn, and Buffy allowed some of her anger to seep from her bones.
Seeing that he had gotten through to her, Spike said, "Buffy, if you're in ... if you're in pain ... or if you need anything... or if I can do anything for you...
Buffy returned his gentle expression. "You can't."
"Well, I haven't been to a hell dimension just of late, but I do know a thing or two about torment," he said softly.
Too exhausted from keeping her secret, Buffy decided to trust Spike. "I was happy. Wherever I ... was ... I was happy. At peace."
"What do you mean, Buffy?" Spike asked in a voice that feared the truth.
Buffy sighed and fought her tears. "I knew that everyone I cared about was all right. Time ... didn't mean anything . but I was still me, you know? I was warm." She paused and looked at him. "I had a whole other life! I was in love and I was loved. And I was finished. Complete. I don't understand about theology or dimensions, or ... any of it, really ... but I know I was finally happy. I think, maybe, I was in heaven."
Spike stared at her in dismay. His pain for her reflected on his face.
"And now I'm not. I was torn out of there - by my friends."
Overwhelmed, Spike continued staring and listening, but he attempted to put an arm around her and was relieved when she let him.
"Everything here is hard, and bright, and violent. Everything I feel, everything I touch ... this is Hell. Just getting through the next moment, and the one after that - knowing what I've lost." Buffy allowed Spike's attempt at comforting her, but it did nothing for her.
Spike had no words. He hadn't expected this revelation and wished Giles had been the one who had forced her to open up.
Buffy pulled away from him. He meant well, but he was cold and hard and Buffy ached for the one she lost; the one who was solid and warm. "They can never know," she said quietly before she walked away.
At home, Buffy went to the medicine cabinet to down a couple sleeping pills in hopes of drugging herself into dreamless rest. When the pills weren't where she left them, she went looking for them in her room. Instead, she found Dawn sleeping on her bed.
Buffy searched for the pills as silently as she could.
"Buffy?"
"Sorry. I didn't mean to wake you."
"It's okay." Dawn sat up. "Are you looking for these?" She shook the pill bottle.
Buffy nodded guiltily. "Yeah, I haven't been sleeping well."
"I know. You yelled in your sleep last night. Are you having nightmares about hell?"
Buffy sat on the bed next to her sister, confused as to how to answer that question. If she was having nightmares, it was about this place, not about where she had been.
"Buffy? It's okay, you can talk to me about it."
Buffy looked away. She didn't think she was ready to talk about her absence, not yet anyway. She couldn't let Dawn carry that guilt. "I can't. I can't talk about that," she said over the lump in her throat.
Dawn worried. Raising the pill bottle she asked, "Is that what these are for? You're just trying to drug yourself to sleep." Buffy nodded. "I was worried it was something worse."
"No, Dawn, I'm only looking to sleep." She ran a reassuring hand over Dawn's head.
Dawn brightened. "You want to have a sister day tomorrow? We could hang out. Just you and me. And we could do our nails and hair and watch chick flicks and pig out on ice cream and -"
"I'd like that, Dawn," Buffy said, stopping the girl's rambling. "Wait, isn't tomorrow a school day?"
Dawn shrugged meekly. "Yeah?"
Buffy frowned at her. "Do you have a test or something?"
"No! I just wanted a sister day with you," Dawn whined.
Buffy let a smile slip into place. "Well, then, I guess you can skip school just this one time."
Dawn squealed happily and hugged Buffy tightly.
#*#*#*#*#
The minute the Summers girls found themselves home alone, they began their girlie day. Buffy thought she would have to really work to remember how to have a sister day, but she was wrong. Images of her relaxing with Dean flooded her mind, but a day of sisterly bonding had been promised and that is exactly what Buffy was going to give Dawn.
By early afternoon, they were sporting fresh manicures and pedicures and Buffy had let Dawn paint her with more makeup than she even knew they had.
"You pick out something for us to watch, I'll get more ice cream," Dawn said as she applied the finishing touch to Buffy's look. "Cookie dough or fudge swirl?"
"Both of course," Buffy answered grinning at the smile Dawn gave her. She admired Dawn's work in a hand mirror, and then called out to her sister, "Ohmigod Dawn! I look like a showgirl on crack!"
A minute later Dawn returned with two heaping bowls of ice cream and found her sister staring mutely at the television looking like she was about to cry. "Buffy? Buffy, what is it? What's wrong?"
Dawn looked at the screen. Buffy was watching a movie from the eighties, but it looked like she had seen a ghost. Buffy's mouth formed the words the characters said:
"Hear this now: I will always come for you," Westley said.
"But how can you be sure?" asked Buttercup.
"This is true love - you think this happens every day?" Westley replied. "I told you I would always come for you. Why didn't you wait for me?"
"Well... you were dead."
"Death cannot stop true love. All it can do is delay it for a while."
Dawn began to worry as she watched Buffy cry. "Buffy?" Dawn set the ice cream on the table in order to sit next to her sister. "What's wrong? Why are you crying over The Princess Bride?"
Buffy came out of her stupor to see the worry etched on her sister's face. "Dawn, I, I wasn't... I've got to..." she paused to get control. Then, she began again, "Dawn, you have to promise you won't tell anybody what I'm about to tell you."
Dawn nodded eagerly. "I promise."
"I wasn't in hell." Buffy confessed. "I don't know what happened exactly. I don't know if I was in heaven or another dimension, all I know is: I was happy. I had a whole new life."
Dawn felt a vice on her heart. She had missed Buffy so much, but it seemed her sister had been happier dead. "You didn't want to come back here?" Dawn asked quietly, letting her hurt seep into her words. "You hate it here, don't you? You wish Willow never did that spell!"
Buffy grabbed Dawn's hand. "No, Dawn. It's not like that. But for those months I was gone, I had a whole other life. I woke up in a hospital with no memory of who I was or anything about my past."
She told Dawn everything; from how Dean found her in the road to her learning she was pregnant. "And I loved him, Dawn. I loved him more than Angel, more than Riley. I loved him so much." Buffy struggled over the sharp lump in her throat.
"He was bringing me home so we could tell you about the baby and about us, so you wouldn't worry about me, and so that I could see that you were okay. Then, we were going up to Stanford to tell his brother and," Buffy's voice faltered. "I was done, Dawn. No more slaying, no more fighting. I was at peace."
"And instead, Willow raised you from the dead and you had to dig yourself out of your grave," Dawn said quietly. "No wonder you thought you were in hell."
"I'm sorry," Buffy said, holding back her tears. "I know I'm supposed to be happy, supposed to be grateful, that Willow did that spell, but all I think about is how much I lost. How I'll never see Dean again."
Dawn hugged her and Buffy let the tears come. Dawn rubbed soothing circles on Buffy's back. She didn't know how, but she was going to help her sister and set everything right.
After a few minutes, Buffy pulled back and wiped her eyes. Catching a glimpse of her reflection she whined, "Oh, look what I did to your awesome make up job!" She took tissues and began to dab at her eyes. "I'm sorry Dawn. I'm such a mess."
Dawn's mind began working better than it ever had for school. She clicked off the television and pushed the bowl of melting ice cream into Buffy's hand.
"Buffy, could you still be pregnant?"
Buffy's hand rested low on her abdomen and she shook her head. "No. I don't know. I don't think so. I don't feel as sick as I did."
Dawn nodded. "Okay, but we should get a test to be sure." She abandoned her own bowl of ice cream in favor of a notebook and a pencil.
Buffy wanted to give her sister a thankful smile, but all she could think of was the first Slayer saying "Death is your gift". Slayers don't create life, they destroy it. "Thanks Dawn, but I'm a Slayer. I don't know if I'm supposed to be a mom."
Dawn could see Buffy becoming depressed so she had to get her thinking about something else. She abandoned her own bowl of ice cream in favor of a notebook and a pencil. "All right. Let's get all the facts straight. Tell me everything you remember about where you were and who you met. Maybe we can figure out a way to find Dean."
"Find Dean?" Buffy nearly choked on her ice cream. "How are we going to do that?"
"Well, you named actual, real places. We'll do research and see if any of the people you met were real, too."
"Since when do you do research?" Buffy could hear the echo of Dean's voice saying that Sam liked research.
"Since it's all anyone will let me do," she shrugged.
"Winchester. Dean's last name is Winchester."
"Perfect." Dawn smiled at her when she finished jotting down the name. "Buffy Winchester, I like it."
Buffy rolled her eyes, but grinned at the name. "We weren't married."
Dawn mock gasped. "You hussy! You let a boy get you pregnant and you weren't married?"
Buffy laughed and hid behind her hand in fake embarrassment. "I set a horrible example for you Dawn."
"Well, that make-up job does nothing to help your reputation. If Ms. Kroger from Social Services were to stop by right now, she'd have me packed and on the next flight to dad," Dawn teased, grateful Buffy was smiling and laughing again. She squeezed Buffy's hand. "Don't worry, Buffy, we'll figure this out. We'll trace your trip across country until we find him."
Buffy offered Dawn a grateful smile, but she didn't feel hopeful. She knew she wouldn't see Dean again, but she was thankful her sister loved her enough to try.
#*#*#*#*#
Dawn did an internet search for tornadoes that hit Texas that spring. What she found made her shout with joy. "Buffy! Check this out! The week you died, Texas had a rash of bad storms. In fact, there were several tornadoes, right after you died."
Buffy appreciated Dawn's enthusiasm, but was confused. "So? I told you that Dean found me in a storm and that a tornado flattened the town."
Dawn nodded as she pulled up news footage. "I know. That's what I'm saying. It wasn't a dream. It didn't just happen wherever you were, it happened in this reality, too."
"Um, okay..." Buffy didn't understand Dawn's point, but then she saw the photographs on Dawn's screen. "Ohmigod! That's the Bluebird! That's where I stayed with Dean!" She pointed at the screen in awe.
"See. Real place in the real world." Dawn grinned at her sister. "Now, where else did you go?"
"Uh, Sioux Falls, South Dakota. Dean's friend lived there. He owns one of those places with a bunch of junky cars."
Dawn raised a brow and typed 'Sioux Falls' in the search box. "Like a used car lot?"
"No, dead cars and parts of cars."
"A junk yard?"
"No, I mean, we would think it was junk, but Dean and the guy didn't. You know, guys that work on cars get parts they need from him."
Dawn typed 'used car parts' into the search box and hoped it would give them something they could use.
"The guy, Dean's friend, he was like Giles. He had all these books and knew how to call the Watcher's Council."
Dawn stopped looking at her screen. "Dean had a 'Giles'? He knew about vampires and monsters and stuff?"
"Yeah. I told you he was a hunter."
"I thought you meant Bambi, not things with fangs."
Buffy nodded. "He hunted deer, too, but yeah, he knew a ton about of monsters and he carried a bunch of weapons in the trunk of his car."
"Wow. That's, wow," Dawn babbled as she wrapped her mind around Buffy's other life experience. "You dated boy you."
"No!" Buffy made a face at the idea. "Dean was nothing like a Slayer. Yeah, he knew about this stuff, but he didn't have any Slayery gifts. Just normal human guy, like Riley, minus the mind controlling military garbage."
"O - kay." Dawn turned back to her screen of search results.
"Do you really think you can find him?" Buffy asked, though she was too afraid to be hopeful.
Before Dawn could offer reassurance, the front door opened filling the room with the voices of their friends. Everyone stopped talking when they took in Buffy's appearance.
"Uh, did being dead make you forget how to wear make-up?" Anya asked.
She was instantly shushed by the others, but Buffy and Dawn began to laugh. "No, we were just goofing around," Buffy answered. She looked in the mirror at her made-up, tear streaked face. "I really should clean up before I go out slaying tonight." She shot her sister a look and Dawn nodded and shut the laptop.
"Don't worry, Buf, I got this." She pointed to the mess they had made. "You go get your slay on."
#*#*#*#*#
If Willow or Tara noticed Dawn and Buffy being secretive, they didn't say anything about it. Xander and Anya were too wrapped up in their wedding planning drama to notice anything.
As he had been for the past few nights, Spike followed Buffy as she patrolled. After she easily dusted a vampire near the elementary school, she called out, "Spike, why don't you just join me instead of following me? You're messing with my bad guy radar."
Spike rather sheepishly appeared from behind a playground set. "Sorry, didn't mean to upset your 'radar'."
"Why are you following me, Spike?" Buffy asked as she took a seat on the playground swings and began to propel herself.
Spike stood behind her and gave her a push. "Jus' keeping an eye on you. Making sure you're not taking on an entire demon bar by yourself." He pushed her again.
Buffy remained quiet and let him push her higher and higher.
"You don't seem quite as reckless as you did last night." Deep inside, Spike hoped it was because of something he said.
Buffy took one last high swing, then playfully somersaulted off the swing. She smiled at Spike. "I told Dawn about where I was, or where I think I was."
"You did?" Spike looked shocked; telling Dawn was the opposite of what Buffy had wanted the night before.
"Yeah, I didn't mean to, but I think it was the right thing to do. I feel a whole lot better and Dawn is going to help me." Then she did something that startled the vampire more than anything else she ever did; she kissed his cheek. "Thanks, Spike."
Had he been alive, Spike would have blushed, as it was, his hand flew to his cheek, and then he ducked his head. "What was that for?"
"For watching out for Dawn. For having my back, even when I was going a little 'dark-side'."
"No problem, Slayer," he sneered, but the remark held none of his usual snark.
#*#*#*#*#
Buffy didn't feel truly home, until Giles returned to Sunnydale. Having her watcher back at her side made her confident. She hugged him until he begged for mercy. "It's so good to have you home," Buffy said as she released him. "You are home, right? You're not actually living in England, are you?"
"When I heard Willow brought you back, I had to see you for myself," he smiled softly at her. "I'm here for as long as you need me."
Buffy sighed, "Good. I need you."
Giles studied her a moment and didn't hide his concern when he asked, "How are you? Really? You look tired."
Buffy's eyes cut to her sister, but Dawn gave her the 'don't look at me, I didn't say anything' look. "I'm fine. Well, sleeping's hard, just because of the whole waking up in a box thing. So, maybe waking up's the problem. You know, but just for a second. I sleep okay. Great even. Except, you know, for the dreams."
Giles nodded, "Buffy, perhaps you're putting too much pressure on yourself. I mean, to return from some unknown level of Hell, it's only natural that coming back will be a process. Life can be pretty overwhelming even for people who haven't been where you have."
"#*#*#*#*#
Days and weeks slipped by barely noticed. The hellmouth wasn't going to stop being evil just because Buffy had other things she wanted to be doing. She slowly gave up hope of ever seeing Dean again. She no longer asked Dawn if she had found Sam. It seemed fruitless to dream of a future she was never going to have.
Unfortunately, that didn't stop her from dreaming of Dean. She'd dream they were on that motorcycle racing through the South Dakota summer. Sometimes she's dream of their future, of her and Dean holding their baby. The days that followed those dreams were especially difficult for Buffy.
It was the day after that type of dream, that the demon, Sweet, sang and danced his way into Sunnydale and forced Buffy to tell the others the truth about where she had been when they thought she was in hell.
Buffy didn't return to the magic shop as they usually did after a battle, instead, she went home. She dug out the notes and papers Dawn had collected about her time with Dean. The scrap yards in Sioux Falls were listed on the first page. Buffy scanned the list until she found Singer Salvage; deep down she knew that was where Dean's friend lived. The Bluebird, the scrap yard, the motel in Denver, all real places, but none of that meant Dean was in the real world.
Because if Dean were real, where was he? Buffy wondered. Why wasn't he looking for her? Maybe he was trapped in that other dimension and he'd never be with her again.
Buffy gathered the papers and tossed them into the fire place. She couldn't go on waiting for Dean to find her. She was the Slayer. She was sentenced to life in Sunnydale.
Sam checked his voice-mail for the thousandth time. Two messages from John Winchester. Sam's stomach lurched. There was only one reason his father would be calling and Sam wasn't ready to hear it.
When that first message arrived in summer, Sam was foolish enough to think his father was calling to work things out. Hearing his brother was missing had terrified Sam and sent him on a guilt ridden spiral.
If John was calling again, Sam knew it had to be bad news.
Buffy struck a match and watched the flames consume the papers as the others finally made their way home.
"Buffy! What are you doing?" Dawn rushed to the fireplace but wasn't in time to save anything.
"Dawn, that stuff doesn't matter. I can't hold on to that time." She looked at Willow's regretful expression. "Will, I wasn't in hell. I don't know if it was heaven, but it was," she paused not knowing how to explain where she had been.
"It was close enough," Dawn finished for her. "Buffy had a happy life that you, your spell, tore her away from."
Willow looked at Buffy tearfully. "Buffy, I'm sorry. I didn't..."
"What was it like?" Anya asked, receiving angry looks as she did.
Buffy shrugged and stared into the fire. "I was happy and safe. I wasn't fighting vampires or any other big bads. It was like being here, except I didn't have to kill things every day."
Tara stepped forward and put her arm around Willow. "We didn't know. We thought you were being tortured."
"You stupid girl," Giles growled at Willow. "Do you have any idea what you have done? The forces you have toyed with?"
Buffy grabbed Giles' arm. "Giles."
Astonished at his outburst, Willow gasped, "I thought you'd be... impressed, or, or something.
"Oh, you've made a very deep impression. You were the one I trusted most to respect the forces of nature. Think what you've done to Buffy! If she had been in hell, think of what you would have unleashed when you opened that pathway and brought her back," Giles suggested, calming down from his initial fury.
"Giles, that's enough," Buffy sharply rebuked him. "Willow thought she was saving me."
Dawn shook her head. "She saved you from being happy."
Willow was crushed. Though she was grateful Buffy didn't hate her, the thought that she had harmed her friend instead of helping her, broke Willow's heart. "Buffy, I am so sorry."
Buffy nodded and turned back to the fire. She just wanted to be alone.
"I, I could do a spell to help you forget?" Willow suggested.
"No. Your magic has done enough," Giles reprimanded her.
Buffy was about to counter Giles and let Willow try when Dawn spoke up. "No. No magic, but your computer skills could help."
Every eye turned to Dawn. "Buffy wants to find someone she met on 'the other side'. You can help us find him."
Buffy was speechless, she could only look at her sister in awe.
"The other side?" Tara repeated.
"The other side. Doesn't that mean he's dead?" Anya asked.
Anya's question made Buffy turn away, but Dawn shook her head. "We won't know until we find him." She turned to Willow. "We need to find a guy named Sam Winchester. Buffy thinks he's a student at Stanford."
Willow wiped her face and rushed to the laptop. "Sam Winchester. Stanford. Okay, what else do you know?"
"That's all we have," Dawn answered.
"He's a freshman on full scholarship," Buffy said quietly.
Willow's fingers flew over the keys. "Come on, come on, it's so slow without magic."
A chorus of "No magic!" sounded from Tara, Xander and Dawn as they gathered behind her, anxiously waiting for an answer.
Giles put a hand on Buffy's shoulder. "Do you want to talk about it?"
Buffy shook her head no, but said, "I was safe,Giles, and happy. Happier than I've ever been. And he was bringing me back here to see Dawn so we could -" Buffy stopped speaking. She felt her sister's eyes on her and knew she couldn't tell them about the baby.
"Could what, Buffy?" Tara asked.
"Let Dawn know I was okay. So I could make sure she was okay." Buffy shook herself out of her mood. "Dean thought a demon may have made everyone think I was dead and this same demon made me forget who I was."
"Dean? I thought you said 'Sam'. Who's Dean?" Xander asked. "How does he know about demons?"
"Sam and Dean are brothers and they're hunters along with their dad," Buffy replied. "Have you ever heard of them, Giles? The Winchesters?"
"No, but hunters are a rather secretive group," he answered.
"Well, the guy was right," Anya butted in. "A demon could easily do what he described. Especially a demon of Glory's strength. It's not even that hard."
The group gave her a look, but the former demon shook it off. "Look, I know I said the guy might be dead, and he might be, but if you weren't really dead, and a demon made us think you were, then he might not be dead."
Buffy stared blankly at her.
"Thanks, honey, that's kinda the idea we're working with," Xander said from his spot next to Willow.
"Sam Winchester! I found him! Stern Hall." Willow spun in her chair to look at her best friend. "Well? Road trip this weekend?"
Buffy felt a brief twinge of panic, but forced a slight smile. "Yeah, definitely." She looked at her sister. "You're coming with me, right?"
Dawn smiled. "Duh."
Xander was relieved to see Buffy smiling. "We all will Buffy."
Buffy went to sleep feeling hopeful for the first time since waking up in Sunnydale.
The dining hall was mobbed with students and Buffy wondered how she was expected to find Sam Winchester in the throng. After all, she had only seen two photos of him and one was when he was less than twelve years old.
The only one more fidgety than Buffy was Willow. She was itching to do magic, but Tara's gentle hand in hers stopped her.
Just when she was ready to give up Buffy remembered Dean saying, "Get your head out of a book." She looked around for anyone who was reading instead of talking to other students. In one corner, a guy with shaggy brown hair was bent over a book as he ate off a heaping tray of food.
"I think I found him," Buffy said, nodding in his direction. "Let's let him finish eating, then I'll talk to him."
Xander looked from Sam back to Buffy. "Book guy? Wow. Gotta say, Buff, not your usual type."
Dawn looked Sam over. "I don't know. He's not that bad."
#*#*#*#*#
The Scoobies waited outside the dining hall for Sam to appear. When he did, he was walking with another student making Buffy hesitant about approaching him. Dawn, however, was not going to miss this chance, she stepped forward and yelled, "Sam?"
Sam and his friend turned around. So, Dawn called his name again, "Sam?"
"Yeah?" Sam asked.
Dawn gently shoved Buffy and Willow whispered, "Go on."
Buffy gave him a nervous smile. "Hi, Sam."
Sam's friend nudged his arm. "I'll see you later, Sam."
"Wait, Brady," Sam called after his friend, but Tyson Brady ignored Sam and kept walking. "Uh, hi," he finally said to Buffy.
"Hi, um, you don't know me, but I was wondering if I could talk to you a minute?" Buffy asked nervously.
"Sure," Sam answered with a small grin, but he looked after his friend. "Did Brady put you up to this?"
"Brady? No, I don't know Brady. I was wondering if you had a brother named Dean."
Sam's smile faded. "Dean? No, I don't."
"Oh," Buffy replied. "My mistake. Sorry." Buffy began to silently berate herself. She should never have approached him cold like that. Dean had told her how they had been raised to be suspicious of strangers.
Sam took a step to leave when, thinking her sister was giving up, Dawn cornered him with a small hand on his chest. "Look, are you Sam Winchester or not?"
Sam's only answer was an irritated huff before he pursed his lips and tried his best not to care that this tiny girl was giving him a serious stare down. "My name is Sam Winchester, but I don't know what you're talking about."
Dawn hesitated for a moment, debated whether to call him on his lie. She took her hand off his chest. "Okay, sorry. Just if you are Sam and you had a brother named Dean -"
Sam's expression became stony. "I said, I don't know anybody named Dean."
Buffy gently grabbed Dawn's arm. "Dawn, leave him alone. This was a bad idea." She looked into Sam's eyes. "Sammy, Dean was real proud of you. He bragged about you all the time. Even when he said college was turning you into a girl, I knew he was proud of you." Sam's subtle change in expression told Buffy all she needed to know. "We won't bother you again."
Sam worked at looking annoyed and grumbled, "Good. Thanks."
Buffy knew she was going to have to try something else if she wanted to learn about Dean.
Sam's friend, Tyson Brady, had waited for him outside Stern Hall. "Hey, Sam, what did the cute girl want?"
Sam glanced back at Buffy. "She wanted to know about Dean."
Brady's mouth fell open. "Are you serious? What did you say?"
Sam shrugged. "That I didn't know him." He looked to where Buffy stood with her friends. "I don't think she bought it."
Brady looked at Buffy and her friends. "I got this, Sam." He began to walk over to them.
"Ty, what are you going to do?" Sam asked grabbing his arm.
Brady took a breath. "I'm gonna make sure she doesn't bother you again, Sam." He saw Sam's worried expression. "Don't worry, I'll be nice. But come on, you don't need this after everything that's happened."
Sam nodded his appreciation. "Thanks, man."
"No problem. That's what friends are for."
Tara gently rubbed Buffy's shoulder. "Sorry, Buffy, I know how much you wanted this guy to be the Sam you were looking for."
Buffy nodded. "It was him."
"What? If that was him, why aren't you finding out where Dean is?" Xander demanded.
"Because I did this all wrong. I forgot everything Dean told me." Buffy ran a hand through her hair in frustration. "But that guy was definitely Sam Winchester."
Tyson Brady walked up as Buffy spoke. "You the girl looking for Dean Winchester?"
"Yes," Buffy, Dawn, Tara and Willow said in unison.
Brady took a couple steps to make Buffy move away from her friends and follow him. "You've got to understand where Sam's coming from, he's not ready to talk about his brother."
Dawn's eye's widened. "Dean is Sam's brother, right?"
He smirked thinking this was going to be fun. "Yeah. Well, I mean, he was. Uh, Dean was in a car accident last spring."
He kept talking, describing how Dean had apparently lost control of his car during a storm in the middle of nowhere Texas. "The car flipped a couple times and Dean was trapped inside. It was days before someone found him, but by then it was too late."
Buffy felt her heart shatter. The last thing she heard was Dawn calling her name.
Tyson Brady's eyes turned black and he sneered as he watched her crumble and her friends fall to her side. With just a few words, he had defeated a Slayer.
<-- Master post Chapter 8 -->