An Accident of Circumstance: Chapter 12
Chapter 12
A/N: Another sad one folks...
Kurt held tight to Chris's hand as they disembarked from the airplane. Luckily they had only brought a roll aboard since this was such a short trip, so they didn't have to wait for any baggage. Instead, they made their way outside, looking for the car that was supposed to pick them up.
A blue sedan pulled up to the curve and a familiar figure popped out. "You're here!" Mike's mother called out, rushing over to them and enveloping them both in a bear hug.
"Grandma!" Chris called out happily.
"Good to see you too, Shirley," Kurt replied, squeezing her back.
Shirley Anderson beamed at them as she pulled back. "Come on, let's get in the car before Steve gets a ticket." Kurt quickly moved to the back of the car, tossing his luggage in the back before sliding into the rear passenger seats next to Chris. He greeted Mike's dad as he buckled himself in, checking to make sure Chris had done the same.
They exchanged small talk on the ride back to their house, Mike's house. Kurt was thankful that Chris had a lot to say, letting him dominate the conversation as he caught up with his grandparents. He really wished that they could see each other more often. It wasn't the cost, he was sure that they could figure that out somehow, but it was just...coming here was never easy.
Chris disappeared off with his grandfather somewhere once they arrived. Kurt set his suitcase down by the couch. He sat down and buried his head in his hands. He nearly jumped out of his skin when a hand touched his shoulder, his heart pounding.
"Sorry, dear, I didn't mean to startle you. Would you like anything? Tea? Ibuprofen?"
Kurt smiled tiredly at his mother-in-law. "Both sound wonderful."
Shirley smiled at him kindly. "Come on into the kitchen, I'll boil some water and we can catch up."
Kurt followed her into the kitchen, trying to block out all of the memories that this house evoked. They had a lot of great times here. The room was exactly as he remembered it. He offered to help, needing to keep his hands busy. Soon they were both seated at the table, blowing on their hot mugs and chatting. Kurt felt the anxiety that had been building up all week melting away slightly.
"So," Shirley began as she changed the topic. "Anyone new in your life?"
Kurt choked on his tea, eyes bulging. "Excuse me?"
Shirley winced as she offered him a napkin. "Sorry,"
Kurt brushed it off. "It's fine, I promise."
"So, do you?"
Kurt frowned. "Why do you ask?"
Shirley shrugged. "I don't know, you just seem...different. In a good way. There's a spark in your eyes that I haven't seen since before-"
Kurt shut his eyes tightly, not even able to believe he was having this conversation with her. "That's why we're here, isn't it? Because of Mike? I'd like to focus on him right now."
Shirley sighed. "I know, sweetie, I know. And I'm sorry, I don't mean to pry, but it's good if you have. Great even. Steve and I, we just want you and Chris to be happy."
Kurt smiled wanly, looking up at her again. "I know, I'm sorry I overreacted."
Shirley shrugged. "It happens."
Kurt took a long sip of his tea. "You're right. There is someone. Sort of."
Shirley raised an eyebrow. "Sort of?"
Kurt chewed on a cookie thoughtfully. "We're just friends. Well, it's more complicated than that. He's an old friend, my first boyfriend actually. He's teaching at Chris's school this year."
"Is he cute?"
Kurt chuckled. "The cutest." His eyes widened in shock. "Um, I mean..."
"Honey, it's fine, I'm the one who brought this up, remember?"
Kurt sighed. "I know. It's just...I'm so confused. I keep thinking that maybe I'm falling for him again...but then I feel like I'm cheating on Mike." He rubbed his eyes tiredly. "I know it sounds dumb."
A hand rested on top of his own. "No, it doesn't. You and my son were together for almost fifteen years, you’re not going to get over that so quickly.” She gave him a little squeeze. “But it doesn’t mean you should shut yourself off. You need to live, Kurt. I know my son well enough to know that is what he’d have wanted.”
Kurt nodded. "I know. But knowing that and doing something about it are entirely different things." Suddenly his phone buzzed, Blaine's name flashing across the screen. "That's him, actually."
Shirley smiled at him. "Go on, see what he has to say."
Nodding, Kurt unlocked his phone to look at the text.
Blaine: Hey, just wanted to check in and see how the flight went and how you're both holding up. I'm here if you need anything. *hugs*
Kurt bit back a smile which grew as Shirley smirked at him (gosh she looked so much like Mike right then, that must be where he got it from) over her own teacup. "Oh?"
"He just wanted to see how we are doing. He knows...he knows this is a rough week."
Shirley smiled. "Sounds like a catch."
"Yeah," Kurt replied softly. "He is."
Before he could respond to Blaine's text, Chris entered the room and made a beeline towards him, a bunch of flowers in his hands. “Hey, buddy, did Grandpa Steve help you get those from his garden?”
Chris nodded, holding them out for closer inspection. “They’re for Papa. Are you ready to go see him now?”
How could he answer that; he would never be ready to see him, not like this. But Kurt just nodded, a lump forming in his throat and a feeling like a rock sank into his stomach. “I am if you are. Come on.”
Standing, he cast one last glance at his mother-in-law, who gave him the most reassuring smile she could. He nodded in appreciation and went to wrap himself up in his winter coat. When he shut his eyes, just for a moment, it was his husband’s arms surrounding him.
*#*#*#*#*#*#*
Chris grasped Kurt’s hand tightly. Kurt took a deep breath, anxiety washing over him in waves but he made himself focus on the little hand in his own. He had to focus on this, his son. He had to keep it together for Chris.
Steve and Shirley had come along, just like they had last year, though they hung back a bit. Kurt was glad that he wasn’t the only adult here. The walk seemed to take forever, passing by stone after stone, each one marking a life cut short. Kurt shuddered a little, forcing his eyes to stay glued on the ground, until he remembered what exactly was under his feat. Deep breath in, deep breath out. Hold it together. Chris. Chris. Chris.
He stumbled to a halt when Chris stopped next to him. “Here he is,” his son whispered softly, looking like he didn’t know what to do with his emotions. Kurt looped his arm around his shoulder, pulling him into a one armed hug.
“We can go whenever you need to, okay? Don’t feel like you have to do this.”
Chris shrugged. “I’m okay. I just want to be close to him for a little bit.”
Kurt leaned down and pressed a kiss to the top of his son’s head. “I know exactly what you mean.”
Chris stepped forward. “Hi, Papa, um, these are for you, the mums you liked so much. The red ones. And those Plumbago flowers that you always said reminded you of Daddy’s eyes.” Kurt bit back a smile and fought back his tears, the memory stabbing him in the heart, though it only seemed like needles were pricking him rather than a dagger. It still hurt but it was more...tolerable. It scared him. Chris knelt down and placed the flowers in front of Mike’s stone. “I miss you, Papa, Daddy does too.” Kurt squatted down next to him, trying to keep his pants off the dirt. “But we’re doing okay, I made a new friend Papa! She’s really great. You would like her a lot, I know you would. Dad has a friend too.” Chris looked up at him, wide eyed.
Kurt couldn’t help but chuckle softly. “It’s okay, he knows.”
“Oh.” Chris dug his hand into his pocket and pulled out a small rock. “Aunt Rachel told me that there’s some Jewish tradition about putting rocks on the gravestones of the people you love. I don’t really remember why, but I found this one and thought it was really pretty and I thought you’d like it.” Kurt’s heart restricted in his chest as he watched his son place the small quartz filled stone on top of the polished one, making a mental note to ask Rachel about that later. Chris sighed. “It’s hard to talk to Papa when he can’t say anything back.”
Kurt let out a watery chuckle. “It sure is. But I think it’s good, you know, to try and say what we need to. And I’m sure that he’s listening to us.”
Chris nodded. “Do you have anything to say? I didn’t mean to take over...”
“It’s fine,” he reassured him.
“Do you want some time alone with him? You probably have adult stuff to talk about.”
Kurt ran his hand over his eyes as he sighed. “That would be lovely, sweetie. But I don’t want to rush you, take your time.”
Chris shook his head, eyes beginning to glisten from unshed tears. “I...I think I’m good.” Kurt pressed another kiss into the top of his head.
“Can you go wait with your Grandma and Grandpa? I should only be a few minutes.”
Chris nodded. “You don’t have to rush either.”
“I know. You’re the best kid ever, you know that?”
Chris grinned. “Only ‘cause you tell me all the time.”
“Only because it’s true.” Chris stood and wrapped his arms around Kurt, whispering “I love you,” into his ear. Chris turned back to look at Mike’s stone one last time.
“Bye Papa, see you next year.”
Yup, the dagger was back in his chest. Good.
“Hey,” Kurt whispered once Chris was out of earshot, tracing the inscription on the stone as he crouched down. “God our kid is the greatest. He’s really doing well. You’d be so proud of him, I know I am. Me on the other hand...” He sighed, running a hand through his hair. “I’m trying.” He hated how broken his voice sounded. “I really am, but...your mother was right. I haven’t been living. And you would be pissed at me for that, I know.” He inhaled deeply. “I’m just scared that if I let someone else in and something happens to them...I don’t know if I can go through this again. I need to stay strong. For Chris.” He bowed his head, blinking back tears. “There is someone, I know you probably know, but hell, I’m talking to a rock so why the heck not. It’s Blaine, you remember him? He’s the reason we found each other in the first place. He’s been really great, it’s just...” Kurt sighed. “He’s not you. He’s wonderful and I adore him in a totally different way, he’s always had a bit of my heart. But what I want right now is you. My husband.” He looked down at his wedding ring. “I haven’t taken it off yet. I guess I should, eventually. It wouldn’t be fair of me to try and start something with someone and have them have to deal with it. But it’s like...I like having a bit of you with me.” Kurt shook his head. “Ugh, I’m rambling. And my legs are cramping. I should probably wrap this up. He placed a hand on the stone as he stood. “I love you. Always have, always will. No matter what.”
He finally stood and turned away, walking towards his family, an unseasonably warm breeze caressing his face as if to offer even the smallest of comforts.
*#*#*#*#*#*#*
Kurt took in the sofa before him. Shirley had told him that the guest room, Mike’s room, was all made up for him if he was ready for it, but he could sleep on the couch if he wanted, whichever worked best for him. Last year he had picked the sofa. He couldn’t bear the thought of being in there alone. But tonight...he had to try. He had to stop hiding from the memories so he could start making new ones. Determined, he picked up his bag and made his way upstairs, trying not to wake Chris who was sleeping in the next room over. He readied himself for bed, taking his time on his moisturizing routine, trying to stall. Finally, he entered the room he hadn’t set foot in for over two years.
It more or less looked the same as all of the times he’d shared it with Mike, but it was a little less...him. The pictures scattered around the room were the same, most starring the three of them, but a lot of the knick knacks were packed away in the attic somewhere. The bedding was nice, but different than the last time he’d been here. Somehow, that helped.
Kurt slipped under the covers and turned off the bedside lamp, staring out into the darkness for a few minutes. A soft beam of moonlight flickered in through the curtains, highlighting Mike’s face in the picture next to the bed. Kurt held out his hand, tracing the ghostly image as silent tears streamed down his face. He wasn’t sure how long he stayed like that, but eventually his eyes began to droop, exhausted from a long day of roller coaster emotions, and he drifted off into a fitful sleep.
*#*#*#*#*#*#*
Kurt smiled as he drifted into wakefulness, feeling happier than he had in a long time. He snuggled into the warm body next to him, sighing contently. Warm body. His eyes flew open in shock. “Mike?” he whispered, as if he would vanish if his name was uttered too loudly.
His husband trailed a hand through his hair, smiling down at him fondly. “It sounded like you needed me.”
Kurt nodded. “I always need you.”
Mike scoffed. “Since when?”
“Since you’ve been gone.” Kurt traced his husband’s face, memorizing every detail. “Please tell me that this is real. Please tell me that everything with you being dead and me going back to Ohio was all some awful, awful nightmare.”
Mike sighed, tugging Kurt closer. “I wish I could, sweetie.”
Kurt pressed a kiss to his husband’s chest, savoring the tiny gesture. “I guess it was too much to hope for.”
Mike dug his hand into Kurt’s scalp, massaging his head soothingly. “For the record, you’re doing great.”
“Doesn’t feel like it.”
“Moving on isn’t betraying me. I know you know that.”
“Still seems like it.”
“I know.” They sat in a comfortable silence for a few moments, Kurt listening to the beating of Mike’s heart, willing it to be real. “Remember what you told me?”
“That you could never get me to leave the house in sweatpants?”
Mike shook his head. “No, about you and your dad. About how you sometimes wished that he met Carole sooner, that there was always something missing in your lives before that.”
Kurt sighed. “I knew I was going to regret telling you that.”
“Look, I’m not telling you to marry the guy today. But just keep your mind open. And you’re heart. You owe it to Chris. And yourself.”
“Or you could just stay and none of this would be a problem.”
Mike kissed his forehead tenderly. “I would if I could.” He sniffed slightly. “I like him. I always did, you know.”
“Hmmm,”
“I always wondered if you’d find your way back to him.”
Kurt snapped his head up, eyes wide. “What? Really? Mike, when I married you, I was in it for the long haul, I hope you know that. It wasn’t just a pit stop.”
Mike grinned. “I know, I know.” He shrugged. “I always thought you were too good for me.”
Kurt rolled his eyes. “Are we really having this fight right now?”
Mike shook his head. “Nope. Because you’ll win, like always.”
Kurt grinned into his chest. “Exactly.” He sighed. “How much time do we have?”
“Until you wake up.”
“Will I see you again?”
Mike shrugged. “Probably. But I don’t know when.”
“Right.” Kurt pillowed his chin on his arms crossed over Mike’s chest. “Can I kiss you? One last time?”
Mike smiled softly. “As if I could say no to you.” It was strange, seemingly like every other time Kurt had done this, but he knew it was different. Aside from the fact that he knew this wasn’t real, there was a sort of finality in the gesture. This time really was goodbye. A tear slid out of the corner of his eye, smiling as Mike gently wiped it away.
“I love you,” Kurt whispered, nuzzling Mike’s nose with his own.
“Love you more. You can do this, Kurt.”
“That was always one of my favorite things about you. How much faith you have in me.”
Mike grinned. “You make it easy.”
*#*#*#*#*#*#*#*#*
Kurt smiled as he snuggled closer to the warm body next to him. He froze. That had been a dream. His heart sped up. Unless it wasn’t. His eyes flew open, and for the first time in probably his entire life, he was disappointed to see his son. Willing that thought away, Kurt smoothed down Chris’s hair, smiling down at him fondly. His son’s eyes blinked blearily open.
“Sorry, didn’t mean to wake you up,” Kurt murmured. “You okay?”
Chris nodded, burying his face into the pillow. “Yeah.”
“I didn’t hear you come in.”
Chris shrugged. “I couldn’t sleep. But you were pretty out of it, I didn’t want to wake you up.”
Kurt pulled him closer. “You should have.”
"It's fine," Chris insisted, snuggling closer. "It's so weird being here." Kurt knew what he wasn't saying. Without him.
"I know," Kurt sighed, kissing his forehead and trying not to think too much about his dream. But you know what Papa would say if he were here?"
"It's time for pancakes?"
Kurt couldn't help but laugh. "Exactly. And I happen to know that Grandma would love to have some help. Why don't you go downstairs and get started?"
Nodding, Chris rolled away from his father and slid out of the bed. "You coming?"
"In a few minutes, I want to freshen up a bit first."
"Okay," Chris acknowledged, darting downstairs. Groaning, Kurt slowly righted himself into a standing position, hastily gathering the clothes he'd laid out the night before. His mind was preoccupied with his dream as he got dressed and tried to get his hair under some semblance of control. And Blaine. He couldn't stop thinking about Blaine. What if these feelings were only surfacing because he was lonely? He really didn't want Blaine to be a rebound relationship, he meant too much too him to ever hurt him like that. But what if it was real? What if he was falling in love with Blaine again? What if he had never really stopped?
As he made his way downstairs to the smell of freshly cooking pancakes and the welcome sound of his son's laughter, Kurt made up his mind. He ate quickly, needing to do this before he lost his nerve. But looking at his son, deep down, he knew he was doing the right thing. You owe it to Chris. And yourself.
But his son had to be okay with this. If he wasn’t ready, Kurt wasn’t going to push it. “Chris, can I ask you something?”
His son nodded, looking at him curiously. “Sure, what’s up.”
Kurt bit his lip. “It’s about Mr. Anderson. Blaine.”
Chris perked up a bit. “What about him?”
Taking a deep breath, Kurt swallowed. “How would you feel if...if I went on a date with him.” His heart thumped loudly in his ears as he took in his son’s shocked expression, his anxiety level skyrocketing. “Chris, please, say something.”
“Seriously?” Chris exclaimed. Kurt couldn’t read it.
“Look, if you don’t want me to, I-”
Chris looked confused, shaking his head. “No, no. I want you to. I mean...” he looked down at his bashfully at his pancakes. “I wanted to try and set you up with him.”
That was the best kind of approval he could have ever asked for. “Really?”
Chris nodded, blushing slightly. “I promised Papa I’d take care of you.” Tears pricking at his eyes, Kurt stood and enveloped his son in a bone crushing hug. “Dad!” Chris groaned.
“Sorry, sorry,” Kurt replied, letting go. “You’re one hell of a kid, you know that?”
Chris shrugged, a small smirk on his face, looking so much like his father. “You only tell me, like, all the time.”
Kurt rolled his eyes. “And modest too.” He forced himself to be serious again. “So you’re sure you’re okay with this?”
His son nodded. “Positive. He’s helped make us both a little happier already.”
“Yeah, yeah he has.”
Once he had finished his breakfast, Kurt excused himself and slipped outside. As he pulled out his phone, he realized he had never replied to Blaine's text from yesterday. He quickly pulled up Blaine's number in his contacts and hit call before he could doubt himself, praying that he wasn't waking Blaine up. It was the weekend after all.
"Kurt?" Blaine answered, sounding relieved more than anything. "You okay?"
"Good morning to you too," Kurt drawled, trying to keep the mood light, though he was touched by Blaine's concern. "Sorry I never texted you back, we went to the cemetery right afterwards and my mind was elsewhere most of the day."
"It's fine, really," Blaine assured him. "I was just worried."
"I didn't mean to worry you. But thanks for being concerned. It means a lot. But this isn't what I called to talk to you about."
“Oh?”
"Blaine...I've been thinking. A lot. About you. And me." There was silence on the other end. "You still there?"
"Yeah, I just...I didn't want to interrupt. Go on."
Kurt blushed, biting his lip. Gosh, why was this so hard? "Right, sorry. Um...I was wondering...Would you like to have dinner with me?"
"Dinner? Kurt we've done dinner before-"
"Not dinner dinner, like...like a date."
"A date?" Blaine asked hesitantly, and Kurt's heart started to seize up in anxiety. He had misunderstood; Blaine wasn't actually interested in him. Oh dear god... "Are you sure?"
"We can forget about this whole thing if you want, I'm sorry, I-"
"Kurt, stop. I want to." Oh. "I just...I need to know that you do. I don't want you to do anything you aren't ready for."
Kurt smiled, tears of what he had no idea threatening to spill. "That's why I called. I...I think I'm ready. To try at least. If that's okay."
Blaine chuckled. "So okay. How about you let me surprise you, take some of the pressure off your end?"
"Are you sure?"
"Positive."
"Sounds great." And it really did. "I should probably go, Chris and I have to leave in a few hours, I want to make sure we get in as much family time as possible."
"Right. Have a good time, Kurt. See you soon."
"See you soon."
Kurt hung up, a smile on his face as he walked back towards the house. Shirley opened the door for him, grinning. She pulled him into a tight hug. "You're doing the right thing."
Kurt nodded as he pulled back.
"I sure hope so."
Next
A/N: Another sad one folks...
Kurt held tight to Chris's hand as they disembarked from the airplane. Luckily they had only brought a roll aboard since this was such a short trip, so they didn't have to wait for any baggage. Instead, they made their way outside, looking for the car that was supposed to pick them up.
A blue sedan pulled up to the curve and a familiar figure popped out. "You're here!" Mike's mother called out, rushing over to them and enveloping them both in a bear hug.
"Grandma!" Chris called out happily.
"Good to see you too, Shirley," Kurt replied, squeezing her back.
Shirley Anderson beamed at them as she pulled back. "Come on, let's get in the car before Steve gets a ticket." Kurt quickly moved to the back of the car, tossing his luggage in the back before sliding into the rear passenger seats next to Chris. He greeted Mike's dad as he buckled himself in, checking to make sure Chris had done the same.
They exchanged small talk on the ride back to their house, Mike's house. Kurt was thankful that Chris had a lot to say, letting him dominate the conversation as he caught up with his grandparents. He really wished that they could see each other more often. It wasn't the cost, he was sure that they could figure that out somehow, but it was just...coming here was never easy.
Chris disappeared off with his grandfather somewhere once they arrived. Kurt set his suitcase down by the couch. He sat down and buried his head in his hands. He nearly jumped out of his skin when a hand touched his shoulder, his heart pounding.
"Sorry, dear, I didn't mean to startle you. Would you like anything? Tea? Ibuprofen?"
Kurt smiled tiredly at his mother-in-law. "Both sound wonderful."
Shirley smiled at him kindly. "Come on into the kitchen, I'll boil some water and we can catch up."
Kurt followed her into the kitchen, trying to block out all of the memories that this house evoked. They had a lot of great times here. The room was exactly as he remembered it. He offered to help, needing to keep his hands busy. Soon they were both seated at the table, blowing on their hot mugs and chatting. Kurt felt the anxiety that had been building up all week melting away slightly.
"So," Shirley began as she changed the topic. "Anyone new in your life?"
Kurt choked on his tea, eyes bulging. "Excuse me?"
Shirley winced as she offered him a napkin. "Sorry,"
Kurt brushed it off. "It's fine, I promise."
"So, do you?"
Kurt frowned. "Why do you ask?"
Shirley shrugged. "I don't know, you just seem...different. In a good way. There's a spark in your eyes that I haven't seen since before-"
Kurt shut his eyes tightly, not even able to believe he was having this conversation with her. "That's why we're here, isn't it? Because of Mike? I'd like to focus on him right now."
Shirley sighed. "I know, sweetie, I know. And I'm sorry, I don't mean to pry, but it's good if you have. Great even. Steve and I, we just want you and Chris to be happy."
Kurt smiled wanly, looking up at her again. "I know, I'm sorry I overreacted."
Shirley shrugged. "It happens."
Kurt took a long sip of his tea. "You're right. There is someone. Sort of."
Shirley raised an eyebrow. "Sort of?"
Kurt chewed on a cookie thoughtfully. "We're just friends. Well, it's more complicated than that. He's an old friend, my first boyfriend actually. He's teaching at Chris's school this year."
"Is he cute?"
Kurt chuckled. "The cutest." His eyes widened in shock. "Um, I mean..."
"Honey, it's fine, I'm the one who brought this up, remember?"
Kurt sighed. "I know. It's just...I'm so confused. I keep thinking that maybe I'm falling for him again...but then I feel like I'm cheating on Mike." He rubbed his eyes tiredly. "I know it sounds dumb."
A hand rested on top of his own. "No, it doesn't. You and my son were together for almost fifteen years, you’re not going to get over that so quickly.” She gave him a little squeeze. “But it doesn’t mean you should shut yourself off. You need to live, Kurt. I know my son well enough to know that is what he’d have wanted.”
Kurt nodded. "I know. But knowing that and doing something about it are entirely different things." Suddenly his phone buzzed, Blaine's name flashing across the screen. "That's him, actually."
Shirley smiled at him. "Go on, see what he has to say."
Nodding, Kurt unlocked his phone to look at the text.
Blaine: Hey, just wanted to check in and see how the flight went and how you're both holding up. I'm here if you need anything. *hugs*
Kurt bit back a smile which grew as Shirley smirked at him (gosh she looked so much like Mike right then, that must be where he got it from) over her own teacup. "Oh?"
"He just wanted to see how we are doing. He knows...he knows this is a rough week."
Shirley smiled. "Sounds like a catch."
"Yeah," Kurt replied softly. "He is."
Before he could respond to Blaine's text, Chris entered the room and made a beeline towards him, a bunch of flowers in his hands. “Hey, buddy, did Grandpa Steve help you get those from his garden?”
Chris nodded, holding them out for closer inspection. “They’re for Papa. Are you ready to go see him now?”
How could he answer that; he would never be ready to see him, not like this. But Kurt just nodded, a lump forming in his throat and a feeling like a rock sank into his stomach. “I am if you are. Come on.”
Standing, he cast one last glance at his mother-in-law, who gave him the most reassuring smile she could. He nodded in appreciation and went to wrap himself up in his winter coat. When he shut his eyes, just for a moment, it was his husband’s arms surrounding him.
*#*#*#*#*#*#*
Chris grasped Kurt’s hand tightly. Kurt took a deep breath, anxiety washing over him in waves but he made himself focus on the little hand in his own. He had to focus on this, his son. He had to keep it together for Chris.
Steve and Shirley had come along, just like they had last year, though they hung back a bit. Kurt was glad that he wasn’t the only adult here. The walk seemed to take forever, passing by stone after stone, each one marking a life cut short. Kurt shuddered a little, forcing his eyes to stay glued on the ground, until he remembered what exactly was under his feat. Deep breath in, deep breath out. Hold it together. Chris. Chris. Chris.
He stumbled to a halt when Chris stopped next to him. “Here he is,” his son whispered softly, looking like he didn’t know what to do with his emotions. Kurt looped his arm around his shoulder, pulling him into a one armed hug.
“We can go whenever you need to, okay? Don’t feel like you have to do this.”
Chris shrugged. “I’m okay. I just want to be close to him for a little bit.”
Kurt leaned down and pressed a kiss to the top of his son’s head. “I know exactly what you mean.”
Chris stepped forward. “Hi, Papa, um, these are for you, the mums you liked so much. The red ones. And those Plumbago flowers that you always said reminded you of Daddy’s eyes.” Kurt bit back a smile and fought back his tears, the memory stabbing him in the heart, though it only seemed like needles were pricking him rather than a dagger. It still hurt but it was more...tolerable. It scared him. Chris knelt down and placed the flowers in front of Mike’s stone. “I miss you, Papa, Daddy does too.” Kurt squatted down next to him, trying to keep his pants off the dirt. “But we’re doing okay, I made a new friend Papa! She’s really great. You would like her a lot, I know you would. Dad has a friend too.” Chris looked up at him, wide eyed.
Kurt couldn’t help but chuckle softly. “It’s okay, he knows.”
“Oh.” Chris dug his hand into his pocket and pulled out a small rock. “Aunt Rachel told me that there’s some Jewish tradition about putting rocks on the gravestones of the people you love. I don’t really remember why, but I found this one and thought it was really pretty and I thought you’d like it.” Kurt’s heart restricted in his chest as he watched his son place the small quartz filled stone on top of the polished one, making a mental note to ask Rachel about that later. Chris sighed. “It’s hard to talk to Papa when he can’t say anything back.”
Kurt let out a watery chuckle. “It sure is. But I think it’s good, you know, to try and say what we need to. And I’m sure that he’s listening to us.”
Chris nodded. “Do you have anything to say? I didn’t mean to take over...”
“It’s fine,” he reassured him.
“Do you want some time alone with him? You probably have adult stuff to talk about.”
Kurt ran his hand over his eyes as he sighed. “That would be lovely, sweetie. But I don’t want to rush you, take your time.”
Chris shook his head, eyes beginning to glisten from unshed tears. “I...I think I’m good.” Kurt pressed another kiss into the top of his head.
“Can you go wait with your Grandma and Grandpa? I should only be a few minutes.”
Chris nodded. “You don’t have to rush either.”
“I know. You’re the best kid ever, you know that?”
Chris grinned. “Only ‘cause you tell me all the time.”
“Only because it’s true.” Chris stood and wrapped his arms around Kurt, whispering “I love you,” into his ear. Chris turned back to look at Mike’s stone one last time.
“Bye Papa, see you next year.”
Yup, the dagger was back in his chest. Good.
“Hey,” Kurt whispered once Chris was out of earshot, tracing the inscription on the stone as he crouched down. “God our kid is the greatest. He’s really doing well. You’d be so proud of him, I know I am. Me on the other hand...” He sighed, running a hand through his hair. “I’m trying.” He hated how broken his voice sounded. “I really am, but...your mother was right. I haven’t been living. And you would be pissed at me for that, I know.” He inhaled deeply. “I’m just scared that if I let someone else in and something happens to them...I don’t know if I can go through this again. I need to stay strong. For Chris.” He bowed his head, blinking back tears. “There is someone, I know you probably know, but hell, I’m talking to a rock so why the heck not. It’s Blaine, you remember him? He’s the reason we found each other in the first place. He’s been really great, it’s just...” Kurt sighed. “He’s not you. He’s wonderful and I adore him in a totally different way, he’s always had a bit of my heart. But what I want right now is you. My husband.” He looked down at his wedding ring. “I haven’t taken it off yet. I guess I should, eventually. It wouldn’t be fair of me to try and start something with someone and have them have to deal with it. But it’s like...I like having a bit of you with me.” Kurt shook his head. “Ugh, I’m rambling. And my legs are cramping. I should probably wrap this up. He placed a hand on the stone as he stood. “I love you. Always have, always will. No matter what.”
He finally stood and turned away, walking towards his family, an unseasonably warm breeze caressing his face as if to offer even the smallest of comforts.
*#*#*#*#*#*#*
Kurt took in the sofa before him. Shirley had told him that the guest room, Mike’s room, was all made up for him if he was ready for it, but he could sleep on the couch if he wanted, whichever worked best for him. Last year he had picked the sofa. He couldn’t bear the thought of being in there alone. But tonight...he had to try. He had to stop hiding from the memories so he could start making new ones. Determined, he picked up his bag and made his way upstairs, trying not to wake Chris who was sleeping in the next room over. He readied himself for bed, taking his time on his moisturizing routine, trying to stall. Finally, he entered the room he hadn’t set foot in for over two years.
It more or less looked the same as all of the times he’d shared it with Mike, but it was a little less...him. The pictures scattered around the room were the same, most starring the three of them, but a lot of the knick knacks were packed away in the attic somewhere. The bedding was nice, but different than the last time he’d been here. Somehow, that helped.
Kurt slipped under the covers and turned off the bedside lamp, staring out into the darkness for a few minutes. A soft beam of moonlight flickered in through the curtains, highlighting Mike’s face in the picture next to the bed. Kurt held out his hand, tracing the ghostly image as silent tears streamed down his face. He wasn’t sure how long he stayed like that, but eventually his eyes began to droop, exhausted from a long day of roller coaster emotions, and he drifted off into a fitful sleep.
*#*#*#*#*#*#*
Kurt smiled as he drifted into wakefulness, feeling happier than he had in a long time. He snuggled into the warm body next to him, sighing contently. Warm body. His eyes flew open in shock. “Mike?” he whispered, as if he would vanish if his name was uttered too loudly.
His husband trailed a hand through his hair, smiling down at him fondly. “It sounded like you needed me.”
Kurt nodded. “I always need you.”
Mike scoffed. “Since when?”
“Since you’ve been gone.” Kurt traced his husband’s face, memorizing every detail. “Please tell me that this is real. Please tell me that everything with you being dead and me going back to Ohio was all some awful, awful nightmare.”
Mike sighed, tugging Kurt closer. “I wish I could, sweetie.”
Kurt pressed a kiss to his husband’s chest, savoring the tiny gesture. “I guess it was too much to hope for.”
Mike dug his hand into Kurt’s scalp, massaging his head soothingly. “For the record, you’re doing great.”
“Doesn’t feel like it.”
“Moving on isn’t betraying me. I know you know that.”
“Still seems like it.”
“I know.” They sat in a comfortable silence for a few moments, Kurt listening to the beating of Mike’s heart, willing it to be real. “Remember what you told me?”
“That you could never get me to leave the house in sweatpants?”
Mike shook his head. “No, about you and your dad. About how you sometimes wished that he met Carole sooner, that there was always something missing in your lives before that.”
Kurt sighed. “I knew I was going to regret telling you that.”
“Look, I’m not telling you to marry the guy today. But just keep your mind open. And you’re heart. You owe it to Chris. And yourself.”
“Or you could just stay and none of this would be a problem.”
Mike kissed his forehead tenderly. “I would if I could.” He sniffed slightly. “I like him. I always did, you know.”
“Hmmm,”
“I always wondered if you’d find your way back to him.”
Kurt snapped his head up, eyes wide. “What? Really? Mike, when I married you, I was in it for the long haul, I hope you know that. It wasn’t just a pit stop.”
Mike grinned. “I know, I know.” He shrugged. “I always thought you were too good for me.”
Kurt rolled his eyes. “Are we really having this fight right now?”
Mike shook his head. “Nope. Because you’ll win, like always.”
Kurt grinned into his chest. “Exactly.” He sighed. “How much time do we have?”
“Until you wake up.”
“Will I see you again?”
Mike shrugged. “Probably. But I don’t know when.”
“Right.” Kurt pillowed his chin on his arms crossed over Mike’s chest. “Can I kiss you? One last time?”
Mike smiled softly. “As if I could say no to you.” It was strange, seemingly like every other time Kurt had done this, but he knew it was different. Aside from the fact that he knew this wasn’t real, there was a sort of finality in the gesture. This time really was goodbye. A tear slid out of the corner of his eye, smiling as Mike gently wiped it away.
“I love you,” Kurt whispered, nuzzling Mike’s nose with his own.
“Love you more. You can do this, Kurt.”
“That was always one of my favorite things about you. How much faith you have in me.”
Mike grinned. “You make it easy.”
*#*#*#*#*#*#*#*#*
Kurt smiled as he snuggled closer to the warm body next to him. He froze. That had been a dream. His heart sped up. Unless it wasn’t. His eyes flew open, and for the first time in probably his entire life, he was disappointed to see his son. Willing that thought away, Kurt smoothed down Chris’s hair, smiling down at him fondly. His son’s eyes blinked blearily open.
“Sorry, didn’t mean to wake you up,” Kurt murmured. “You okay?”
Chris nodded, burying his face into the pillow. “Yeah.”
“I didn’t hear you come in.”
Chris shrugged. “I couldn’t sleep. But you were pretty out of it, I didn’t want to wake you up.”
Kurt pulled him closer. “You should have.”
"It's fine," Chris insisted, snuggling closer. "It's so weird being here." Kurt knew what he wasn't saying. Without him.
"I know," Kurt sighed, kissing his forehead and trying not to think too much about his dream. But you know what Papa would say if he were here?"
"It's time for pancakes?"
Kurt couldn't help but laugh. "Exactly. And I happen to know that Grandma would love to have some help. Why don't you go downstairs and get started?"
Nodding, Chris rolled away from his father and slid out of the bed. "You coming?"
"In a few minutes, I want to freshen up a bit first."
"Okay," Chris acknowledged, darting downstairs. Groaning, Kurt slowly righted himself into a standing position, hastily gathering the clothes he'd laid out the night before. His mind was preoccupied with his dream as he got dressed and tried to get his hair under some semblance of control. And Blaine. He couldn't stop thinking about Blaine. What if these feelings were only surfacing because he was lonely? He really didn't want Blaine to be a rebound relationship, he meant too much too him to ever hurt him like that. But what if it was real? What if he was falling in love with Blaine again? What if he had never really stopped?
As he made his way downstairs to the smell of freshly cooking pancakes and the welcome sound of his son's laughter, Kurt made up his mind. He ate quickly, needing to do this before he lost his nerve. But looking at his son, deep down, he knew he was doing the right thing. You owe it to Chris. And yourself.
But his son had to be okay with this. If he wasn’t ready, Kurt wasn’t going to push it. “Chris, can I ask you something?”
His son nodded, looking at him curiously. “Sure, what’s up.”
Kurt bit his lip. “It’s about Mr. Anderson. Blaine.”
Chris perked up a bit. “What about him?”
Taking a deep breath, Kurt swallowed. “How would you feel if...if I went on a date with him.” His heart thumped loudly in his ears as he took in his son’s shocked expression, his anxiety level skyrocketing. “Chris, please, say something.”
“Seriously?” Chris exclaimed. Kurt couldn’t read it.
“Look, if you don’t want me to, I-”
Chris looked confused, shaking his head. “No, no. I want you to. I mean...” he looked down at his bashfully at his pancakes. “I wanted to try and set you up with him.”
That was the best kind of approval he could have ever asked for. “Really?”
Chris nodded, blushing slightly. “I promised Papa I’d take care of you.” Tears pricking at his eyes, Kurt stood and enveloped his son in a bone crushing hug. “Dad!” Chris groaned.
“Sorry, sorry,” Kurt replied, letting go. “You’re one hell of a kid, you know that?”
Chris shrugged, a small smirk on his face, looking so much like his father. “You only tell me, like, all the time.”
Kurt rolled his eyes. “And modest too.” He forced himself to be serious again. “So you’re sure you’re okay with this?”
His son nodded. “Positive. He’s helped make us both a little happier already.”
“Yeah, yeah he has.”
Once he had finished his breakfast, Kurt excused himself and slipped outside. As he pulled out his phone, he realized he had never replied to Blaine's text from yesterday. He quickly pulled up Blaine's number in his contacts and hit call before he could doubt himself, praying that he wasn't waking Blaine up. It was the weekend after all.
"Kurt?" Blaine answered, sounding relieved more than anything. "You okay?"
"Good morning to you too," Kurt drawled, trying to keep the mood light, though he was touched by Blaine's concern. "Sorry I never texted you back, we went to the cemetery right afterwards and my mind was elsewhere most of the day."
"It's fine, really," Blaine assured him. "I was just worried."
"I didn't mean to worry you. But thanks for being concerned. It means a lot. But this isn't what I called to talk to you about."
“Oh?”
"Blaine...I've been thinking. A lot. About you. And me." There was silence on the other end. "You still there?"
"Yeah, I just...I didn't want to interrupt. Go on."
Kurt blushed, biting his lip. Gosh, why was this so hard? "Right, sorry. Um...I was wondering...Would you like to have dinner with me?"
"Dinner? Kurt we've done dinner before-"
"Not dinner dinner, like...like a date."
"A date?" Blaine asked hesitantly, and Kurt's heart started to seize up in anxiety. He had misunderstood; Blaine wasn't actually interested in him. Oh dear god... "Are you sure?"
"We can forget about this whole thing if you want, I'm sorry, I-"
"Kurt, stop. I want to." Oh. "I just...I need to know that you do. I don't want you to do anything you aren't ready for."
Kurt smiled, tears of what he had no idea threatening to spill. "That's why I called. I...I think I'm ready. To try at least. If that's okay."
Blaine chuckled. "So okay. How about you let me surprise you, take some of the pressure off your end?"
"Are you sure?"
"Positive."
"Sounds great." And it really did. "I should probably go, Chris and I have to leave in a few hours, I want to make sure we get in as much family time as possible."
"Right. Have a good time, Kurt. See you soon."
"See you soon."
Kurt hung up, a smile on his face as he walked back towards the house. Shirley opened the door for him, grinning. She pulled him into a tight hug. "You're doing the right thing."
Kurt nodded as he pulled back.
"I sure hope so."
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