l'état de moi
Things to note:
· I'm 39 now. This is a very good thing, and sure beats the alternative. I had clinicals the actual day, and then I followed it up with the traditional Japanese dinner with friends. It was a very casual sort of thing--given the kind of busy that I've been with school, I did no real advance planning for it. I'll have to do something big for next year: 40, by damn.
My thirties has been a long unfolding process of becoming. I love how I keep growing more into my self, and that's wonderful. To look out over the horizon at my forties and see that experience as something that's only going to grow richer, and to have the wonderful gift of a new career and sense of identity, and have my art... I'm feeling so lucky.
· This term at school has been going very well. I got an A on my first exam, which let me tell you, I did not expect coming out the test. It was by far the test where I've left more questions blank on my first run-through than any since I started the program. It's also the first time I feel I've really benefited from when they either toss the question or accept multiple answers. Usually, when that happens, those are questions that I've gotten right and there goes another point, damn it.
Anyway, the point is that I feel like I'm learning and that I got lucky to have that be reflected on my test. There are no projects or papers this term, so I don't have points that I can just count on. It feels tooth and nail. For reasons that are obvious, there is no grading on a curve in nursing school; you either make the cut, or you don't.
Honestly, unless something goes horribly wrong, there's no danger that I'm not going to do well enough academically to graduate. I can coast and still get the minimum scores. That's not the point. No, the points are these: A) I want to know this stuff well, B) I love this stuff, C) I want to go to grad school, and D) while I could coast the way out from here to getting my BSN with gentleman's B's and still get into some masters program somewhere, I want one as good, challenging, and respected as possible. There's no point in pretending that I don't know exactly how much of a leg up Stanford has been to my career by opening doors that would have remained shut otherwise, that I'm going to not seek out the same kind of professional boost for my nursing practice. You can get an excellent education in a lot of places, but it's the people you meet, and the people they know and are willing to introduce you to, that make such places the hubs they are. The true treasures I took from Stanford, beyond learning how to think and write, are the friendships and relationships, as well as the keys to the club.
And as a dear friend pointed out, I'm a competitive son of a bitch. Which, frankly, took me years and years to realize, much less own. Because I'm also a lazy SOB. These values of laziness might be relative, true, but by my own standards, I'm lazy as fuck.
So, on the whole, I'm pretty positive about how school is going.
· Oh, and let me tell you about clinicals!
As you know, Bob, last term my clinical rotation had me placed in hospice nursing. It was home hospice, so the patients were dying in their own homes, which by and large, is the best way to go. It was the most humbling and magnifying placement that I've had, the one I've felt most privileged to get to experience. I learned so much. Including the fact that I missed the collegiality of acute care.
So, this term, I had the good luck of getting a med/surg rotation at one of the big hospitals. Amazing. Exactly the kind of thing I needed. Our instructor was no-nonsense but kind, chatty but on-the-ball. We got along marvelously. My student colleagues were all smart and good. The nurses we worked with were smart and generous with their experience. One of them suggested strongly that I apply there for a job, multiple times, and offered to write me a letter of recommendation to the hiring manager when I do apply (because, yeah, I'm going to, obviously).
So that was awesome. But so many other things came to the fore this term--including the fact that nursing in Portland (and not just here) needs me. We need smart, quick, skilled, compassionate nurses who are multilingual and multicultural, who understand how fucking important it is that the patient receive care in the language they are most comfortable and fluent in, who advocate for their patients by making damn sure that they understand what is happening. Yet again--as in every term, and not with just Spanish-speaking patients, either--I have had patients who speak very limited or no real English, and who have not had much real explanation of their situations given to them in a language they can understand. Part of it comes from the covering that folks do, where you smile, nod, and say yes. I had to point out that this was happening. It's the kind of thing that's obvious--to anyone who speaks more than one language. And that's not most folks 'round here. So, I interpreted and charted on the vital need for interpreters for those patients (and these weren't simple cases, either, but complicated situations... look up calciphylaxis sometime, when you're not eating, and note that the majority of the really bad pics are like 80% better than my patient's situation), and made certain that my patients understood that they have a right to ask for an interpreter and that the hospital has a legal and ethical obligation to provide one.
This is something I'm passionate about. Especially after seeing how well Stanford Hospital handled this when my mom was in their care (she's doing great, btw!). They absolutely made sure that we (the family) didn't have to do anything but be the family. Everyone should have that standard of care.
Which, btw, is one of the things I will be absolutely pointing out in all my job interviews. Because damn it, they need me. (Please note that approximately 93% of Oregon's nurses are white women. I'll just let that statistic speak for itself.)
Anyway, this clinical rotation was great for bringing me back up to speed on med/surg. It's definitely the route I want to go out of the gate, as it will give me the best foundation for whatever I do after.
· And that was my last clinical rotation. Next term brings our integrated practicum, our preceptorship. Basically, I'll be assigned to a nurse who will be my mentor/preceptor/the boss of me and I will work the same hours they do. Which means full shifts, up to 40 hours a week, and these could very well be night shifts. No idea where I'll be--they'll tell us next quarter, apparently. But, my patients will be my patients--I'll be the nurse in charge of their care; my preceptor will supervise and make sure I don't fuck it up, but it's going to be on me. This is both terrifying and exhilarating.
· Dating. Um. Yeah. Haven't been doing too much of it. Most of what I have done, has either fizzled, or not caught spark. It would be frustrating, if I were actually putting any real energy behind it. Papa's been busy, folks.
Sex, on the other hand, is going just fine. I've made lovely friendships with folks that are mutually enjoyable on many levels. That takes the edge off.
Still, wouldn't mind meeting someone extraordinary and brave and true, who loves and wants me, and whom I love and want in return. You know. As you do.
· My mom's health is improving, and she's doing a lot better. I got to visit home over winter break (thanks to the generosity of a dear friend), and it was incredibly heartening to see how much better she's doing. She's still got some limitations, but well, she'll be 80 in May. That said, her brother just died a few months ago and he was 100 or so thereabouts and was still riding his bicycle in the village. So, she's got something to work with, you know?
I miss her terribly. And my family--of choice, and of blood. While it's gotten easier to be away, it's still hard.
· I'm writing. Not quite as regularly as I might like, but more regularly than before. I've got a story that keeps wanting to get longer. I'm letting it, but I don't think that it needs to be any longer than a short novella, at most. I could let it grow into a novel, but I really don't want to. The stories I want to tell in this world are best as a series of shorter works. In that regard, I think it's kin to Daniel Abraham's Balfour and Meriwether stories, or Elizabeth Bear's Abby Irene stories. I want to come back to these characters again and again, but I don't want to do it in a novel. I point out those examples because they also work with a certain tone and voice, which is definitely what I'm doing with this.
I started writing this with a lookout to plotting. It's my weakest skill, I think, and so this is meant to get me to work not just on structure, but mechanics. The plot is fairly simple; I don't think I'll be surprising anyone with new innovations--that isn't the point. The point is how well I can get through it and make it enjoyable. So, because that's hard, I'm cheating in other places. I'm running back to my skill with voice and tone, because as I learned with "The Coffinmaker's Love," I can write mannerpunk, and I do it easily, and I do it well. That arch voice? Yeah, not a problem. It's like a writing-brain hack that just drops me into the story. And since this story is set in a mannerpunk world, that's just ducky.
And it's only a cheat because I say it's a cheat. It's still work. It's just cutting myself a little slack in one way so I have the play to go do something I find really hard in another way. There's no point in torturing myself. I'm already out of my comfort zone. I just brought along a wubby. Because I'm also exploring gender politics and subverting tropes, because that's how I roll. (Also, as an aside, it's hard to get in a natural Bechdel-passing scene when your first-person POV character is male. Yeesh. And that's something I'm just keeping in mind to act as a pointy-stick and make me think and keep me honest about what I'm trying to accomplish with the story in the first place, which is subversion (and revolution!), and not reinforcement of the status quo.) And I'm fucking about with colonialism, because I do.
So, yeah. Slack.
· That's mostly what I've got going on right about now. Now you know.
· I'm 39 now. This is a very good thing, and sure beats the alternative. I had clinicals the actual day, and then I followed it up with the traditional Japanese dinner with friends. It was a very casual sort of thing--given the kind of busy that I've been with school, I did no real advance planning for it. I'll have to do something big for next year: 40, by damn.
My thirties has been a long unfolding process of becoming. I love how I keep growing more into my self, and that's wonderful. To look out over the horizon at my forties and see that experience as something that's only going to grow richer, and to have the wonderful gift of a new career and sense of identity, and have my art... I'm feeling so lucky.
· This term at school has been going very well. I got an A on my first exam, which let me tell you, I did not expect coming out the test. It was by far the test where I've left more questions blank on my first run-through than any since I started the program. It's also the first time I feel I've really benefited from when they either toss the question or accept multiple answers. Usually, when that happens, those are questions that I've gotten right and there goes another point, damn it.
Anyway, the point is that I feel like I'm learning and that I got lucky to have that be reflected on my test. There are no projects or papers this term, so I don't have points that I can just count on. It feels tooth and nail. For reasons that are obvious, there is no grading on a curve in nursing school; you either make the cut, or you don't.
Honestly, unless something goes horribly wrong, there's no danger that I'm not going to do well enough academically to graduate. I can coast and still get the minimum scores. That's not the point. No, the points are these: A) I want to know this stuff well, B) I love this stuff, C) I want to go to grad school, and D) while I could coast the way out from here to getting my BSN with gentleman's B's and still get into some masters program somewhere, I want one as good, challenging, and respected as possible. There's no point in pretending that I don't know exactly how much of a leg up Stanford has been to my career by opening doors that would have remained shut otherwise, that I'm going to not seek out the same kind of professional boost for my nursing practice. You can get an excellent education in a lot of places, but it's the people you meet, and the people they know and are willing to introduce you to, that make such places the hubs they are. The true treasures I took from Stanford, beyond learning how to think and write, are the friendships and relationships, as well as the keys to the club.
And as a dear friend pointed out, I'm a competitive son of a bitch. Which, frankly, took me years and years to realize, much less own. Because I'm also a lazy SOB. These values of laziness might be relative, true, but by my own standards, I'm lazy as fuck.
So, on the whole, I'm pretty positive about how school is going.
· Oh, and let me tell you about clinicals!
As you know, Bob, last term my clinical rotation had me placed in hospice nursing. It was home hospice, so the patients were dying in their own homes, which by and large, is the best way to go. It was the most humbling and magnifying placement that I've had, the one I've felt most privileged to get to experience. I learned so much. Including the fact that I missed the collegiality of acute care.
So, this term, I had the good luck of getting a med/surg rotation at one of the big hospitals. Amazing. Exactly the kind of thing I needed. Our instructor was no-nonsense but kind, chatty but on-the-ball. We got along marvelously. My student colleagues were all smart and good. The nurses we worked with were smart and generous with their experience. One of them suggested strongly that I apply there for a job, multiple times, and offered to write me a letter of recommendation to the hiring manager when I do apply (because, yeah, I'm going to, obviously).
So that was awesome. But so many other things came to the fore this term--including the fact that nursing in Portland (and not just here) needs me. We need smart, quick, skilled, compassionate nurses who are multilingual and multicultural, who understand how fucking important it is that the patient receive care in the language they are most comfortable and fluent in, who advocate for their patients by making damn sure that they understand what is happening. Yet again--as in every term, and not with just Spanish-speaking patients, either--I have had patients who speak very limited or no real English, and who have not had much real explanation of their situations given to them in a language they can understand. Part of it comes from the covering that folks do, where you smile, nod, and say yes. I had to point out that this was happening. It's the kind of thing that's obvious--to anyone who speaks more than one language. And that's not most folks 'round here. So, I interpreted and charted on the vital need for interpreters for those patients (and these weren't simple cases, either, but complicated situations... look up calciphylaxis sometime, when you're not eating, and note that the majority of the really bad pics are like 80% better than my patient's situation), and made certain that my patients understood that they have a right to ask for an interpreter and that the hospital has a legal and ethical obligation to provide one.
This is something I'm passionate about. Especially after seeing how well Stanford Hospital handled this when my mom was in their care (she's doing great, btw!). They absolutely made sure that we (the family) didn't have to do anything but be the family. Everyone should have that standard of care.
Which, btw, is one of the things I will be absolutely pointing out in all my job interviews. Because damn it, they need me. (Please note that approximately 93% of Oregon's nurses are white women. I'll just let that statistic speak for itself.)
Anyway, this clinical rotation was great for bringing me back up to speed on med/surg. It's definitely the route I want to go out of the gate, as it will give me the best foundation for whatever I do after.
· And that was my last clinical rotation. Next term brings our integrated practicum, our preceptorship. Basically, I'll be assigned to a nurse who will be my mentor/preceptor/the boss of me and I will work the same hours they do. Which means full shifts, up to 40 hours a week, and these could very well be night shifts. No idea where I'll be--they'll tell us next quarter, apparently. But, my patients will be my patients--I'll be the nurse in charge of their care; my preceptor will supervise and make sure I don't fuck it up, but it's going to be on me. This is both terrifying and exhilarating.
· Dating. Um. Yeah. Haven't been doing too much of it. Most of what I have done, has either fizzled, or not caught spark. It would be frustrating, if I were actually putting any real energy behind it. Papa's been busy, folks.
Sex, on the other hand, is going just fine. I've made lovely friendships with folks that are mutually enjoyable on many levels. That takes the edge off.
Still, wouldn't mind meeting someone extraordinary and brave and true, who loves and wants me, and whom I love and want in return. You know. As you do.
· My mom's health is improving, and she's doing a lot better. I got to visit home over winter break (thanks to the generosity of a dear friend), and it was incredibly heartening to see how much better she's doing. She's still got some limitations, but well, she'll be 80 in May. That said, her brother just died a few months ago and he was 100 or so thereabouts and was still riding his bicycle in the village. So, she's got something to work with, you know?
I miss her terribly. And my family--of choice, and of blood. While it's gotten easier to be away, it's still hard.
· I'm writing. Not quite as regularly as I might like, but more regularly than before. I've got a story that keeps wanting to get longer. I'm letting it, but I don't think that it needs to be any longer than a short novella, at most. I could let it grow into a novel, but I really don't want to. The stories I want to tell in this world are best as a series of shorter works. In that regard, I think it's kin to Daniel Abraham's Balfour and Meriwether stories, or Elizabeth Bear's Abby Irene stories. I want to come back to these characters again and again, but I don't want to do it in a novel. I point out those examples because they also work with a certain tone and voice, which is definitely what I'm doing with this.
I started writing this with a lookout to plotting. It's my weakest skill, I think, and so this is meant to get me to work not just on structure, but mechanics. The plot is fairly simple; I don't think I'll be surprising anyone with new innovations--that isn't the point. The point is how well I can get through it and make it enjoyable. So, because that's hard, I'm cheating in other places. I'm running back to my skill with voice and tone, because as I learned with "The Coffinmaker's Love," I can write mannerpunk, and I do it easily, and I do it well. That arch voice? Yeah, not a problem. It's like a writing-brain hack that just drops me into the story. And since this story is set in a mannerpunk world, that's just ducky.
And it's only a cheat because I say it's a cheat. It's still work. It's just cutting myself a little slack in one way so I have the play to go do something I find really hard in another way. There's no point in torturing myself. I'm already out of my comfort zone. I just brought along a wubby. Because I'm also exploring gender politics and subverting tropes, because that's how I roll. (Also, as an aside, it's hard to get in a natural Bechdel-passing scene when your first-person POV character is male. Yeesh. And that's something I'm just keeping in mind to act as a pointy-stick and make me think and keep me honest about what I'm trying to accomplish with the story in the first place, which is subversion (and revolution!), and not reinforcement of the status quo.) And I'm fucking about with colonialism, because I do.
So, yeah. Slack.
· That's mostly what I've got going on right about now. Now you know.