translations from the feline: the flying mouse affair
There are bats living in the walls of my house, which is not surprising; they come standard around here. The bats are technically on my List Of Things To Deal With, but up to this point they have been nowhere near the top (as is the case with about 95% of the house-related items on that list).
About six weeks ago, we entered a new phase of local interspecies relations.
DRAMATIS PERSONAE:
h.l: homeowner and local biped
Toby: clever teenaged feline
Theo: very pretty teenaged feline with, er, limited attention span
Mercury, aka The Big Kitty: very, very mellow elderly feline -- like, stoned-for-the-last-five-years levels of mellow; also, Best Babysitter Ever
Bat: self-explanatory
h.l: Hey, guys. It's almost bedtime; are you coming upstairs?
Theo: We're busy!
Toby: Shhhhhh.
h.l: What are you doing?
Theo: We're watching the top of the bookshelves!
Toby: Shhhhhh.
Theo: It's very exciting!
Toby: SHHHHHH.
h.l: ...okay. [goes upstairs]
[a few minutes later]
h.l: Dammit, I forgot to fill the upstairs water dish. [comes downstairs]
[scuffle]
[THUMP]
[shrieking sounds]
Theo: Ah kaaaaaaaaaaawwa mouuuuuuuuuuuuuuuumf! A faaaaaaaaaaaaaaaii mouuuuuuuuuuuuuuuumf!
h.l: WTF?
Theo: Ah kawwa faii moumf!
h.l: [flicks lightswitch] OH SHIT.
Theo: I caught--
Toby: DON'T OPEN YOUR MOUTH, YOU IDIOT.
Theo: --a flying mouse! I have to sing a victory aria!
Bat: OH SHIT.
h.l: THAT'S WHAT I SAID.
Bat: OH SHIT OH SHIT OH SHIT OH SHIT OH SHIT OH SHIT OH SHIT
h.l: Dammit, now it's under the couch. -- OH no you don't.
Toby: LET ME GO. I'LL GET IT.
h.l: How on earth did your brother end up with the bat in the first place? Did it, like, fly into his mouth as he sang a song of great and ferocious hunter-ness?
Toby: I DON'T WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT.
Bat [sotto voce]: OH SHIT OH SHIT OH SHIT OH SHIT OH SHIT OH SHIT OH SHIT
Toby: SERIOUSLY, LET GO OF ME. THAT IS MY NATURAL PREY UNDER THERE AND I WANT IT.
h.l: Um, no.
Theo: I caught a flying mouse! Did you see?
h.l: Yes, Theo, I saw. [scoops]
Toby: AND YOU LET IT GET AWAY. I SERIOUSLY CANNOT BELIEVE WE'RE RELATED.
[h.l shuts T&T in another room]
h.l: Okay, bat, we're gonna get you out of here. [moves couch, pops mesh wastebin over bat, slides cardboard underneath, goes to open front door]
Mercury: Hey, whoa, what's all the ruckus?
Bat: OH SHIT OH SHIT OH SHIT IT'S ANOTHER ONE OH SHIT OH SHIT OH SHIT OH SHIT
Mercury: Dude, what are you doing in the wastebasket?
Bat: OH SHIT OH SHIT OH SHIT OH SHIT OH SHIT OH SHIT
Mercury: Hey, biped, there's a... something... freaking out in the wastebasket.
h.l: Thanks, I'm on it. We're going outside right now.
Bat: FREEDOM! [flops awkwardly away]
h.l: Well! That was more excitement than I needed this evening.
Toby: LET US OUT.
h.l: Yes, coming, you're free, go run amok.
Toby: WHERE IS IT.
Theo: I caught a flying mouse!
Toby: OMG YOU GOT RID OF MY BAT. I HATE YOU. YOU'RE NOT MY REAL MOM.
Theo: This is where I caught the flying mouse!
Toby: IT WAS IN THIS WASTEBASKET, I KNOW IT.
Mercury: Yeah, there was this squeaky little... thing... in there. But, like, with wings and stuff. It was weird.
Toby: What part of NATURAL PREY do you people not understand?
Mercury: Whatever, little dude.
h.l: I'm going to bed.
Toby: I HATE YOU.
Theo: Oooh, look! A glitterball!
Toby: I HATE YOU TOO.
FIN
As of this morning, our little drama has a sequel.
DRAMATIS PERSONAE:
see above
ACT ONE
h.l: OW. Ooof. What the...?
Bat: OH SHIT OH SHIT OH SHIT OH SHIT OH SHIT OH SHIT OH SHIT OH SHIT
Theo: We riiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiide at daaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaawn!
Toby: SHUT UP AND GET OUT OF MY WAY.
Bat: OH SHIT OH SHIT OH SHIT OH SHIT OH SHIT OH SHIT OH SHIT OH SHIT
h.l: [rolls over and looks at clock] Oh, you have got to be kidding me.
Theo: Victoryyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy will be miiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiine!
Toby: OMG BE QUIET ALREADY.
h.l: Well, at least you're not tearing around the bedroom like your tail's on fire.
Mercury: Dude, I have important sleeping to do. I don't know what their problem is.
Bat: OH SHIT OH SHIT OH SHIT OH SHIT OH SHIT OH SHIT OH SHIT OH SHIT
h.l: Okay, I'm going to go wash my face and contemplate our options. I'll be right back.
Toby: I VOTE WE KILL IT.
Theo: I siiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiing the song of the mighty hunnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnterrrrrrrrrrrrrr!
Mercury: Whatever, little dude. Wake me if you need me.
[h.l goes downstairs, contemplates going back to sleep on couch, sighs, performs morning ablutions, returns upstairs]
Toby: GODDAMMIT.
Theo: The flying mouse has disappeared!
Toby: No it hasn't. It's under the dresser. Possibly behind the dresser. I'm going to go check.
h.l: Um--
Theo: It just disappeared!
h.l: I'm sure it did, sweetie.
Toby: [emerging] Definitely behind the dresser.
Bat: [sotto voce] OH SHIT OH SHIT OH SHIT OH SHIT OH SHIT OH SHIT OH SHIT OH SHIT
h.l: Guys. Guys! Let's go have breakfast.
Theo: Ooooh, breakfast!
Mercury: Did somebody say breakfast?
Toby: NO BREAKFAST. I am waiting right here for that bat.
h.l: Suit yourself.
ACT TWO
h.l: Toby, sweetie, it's four o'clock. You've been up here all day?
Toby: YES. NATURAL PREY.
h.l: Um, no. [scoops]
Toby: HEY.
h.l: Okay, bat, rescue mission commencing. [moves dresser]
Bat: Whafu--?
h.l: [pops mesh wastebin over bat clinging to back of dresser, slides cardboard between bin and dresser]
Bat: OH SHIT OH SHIT OH SHIT OH SHIT OH SHIT OH SHIT OH SHIT OH SHIT
h.l: Oh, for fuck's sake. Let's go.
Toby: GIMME. GIMME. GIMME. GIMME. GIMME.
h.l: No.
Theo: Hi! Is something going on? What's going on? Is it exciting? Shall I sing?
Toby: NO.
h.l: You guys are not coming outside with me.
Toby: I DON'T NEED TO GO OUTSIDE. I JUST WANT MY NATURAL PREY. PUT DOWN THE WASTEBASKET.
h.l: Yeah, no.
Bat: OH SHIT OH SHIT OH SHIT OH SHIT OH SHIT OH SHIT OH SHIT OH SHIT
h.l: Look, bat, you're outside. Go on, shoo.
Bat: THE YELLOW FACE! IT BURNS US!
h.l: Shoo!
Bat: I prefer to cling like grim death to this nice mesh wastebasket until twilight, thanks.
h.l: Not an option, sorry. I'm taking the wastebasket back inside now, so...
Bat: Lovely afternoon for a tour of the neighborhood!
h.l: That's the spirit. Bye now!
Toby: OMG YOU GOT RID OF MY BAT AGAIN. I HATE YOU. I HATE YOU SO MUCH. YOU ARE THE WORLD'S WORST BIPED AND SO TOTALLY NOT MY REAL MOM.
Mercury: Calm down, little dude. Would you like your ears washed?
Toby: NO. I AM POWER-SULKING.
Theo: Wait, we're sulking? What are we sulking about?
Mercury: I'm pretty sure your ears need washing.
Toby: NO.
Mercury: Hold still, little dude.
Toby: I AM NOT THAT LITTLE.
Mercury: You are little to me. And your ears need washing.
Toby: NO. [beat] Well. Maybe. Sometimes.
Mercury: Uh-huh.
Toby: I've had a hard day. I'm tired.
Mercury: Well, it's naptime, so there you go.
Toby: Big Kitty, will YOU be my mom?
Mercury: Sure thing, little dude.
Theo: Oooh, look! A glitterball!
Mercury: They take so much looking after.
h.l: Thank god we have you for that.
Mercury: Well, they're cute. And soft! They make excellent pillows.
h.l: I'm glad we're back to normal around here.
Toby: I'm still sulking! Just... with my eyes closed.
h.l: Uh-huh.
Theo: Ah kawwa giierbaaw!
FIN
Originally posted at Dreamwidth || Read
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About six weeks ago, we entered a new phase of local interspecies relations.
DRAMATIS PERSONAE:
h.l: homeowner and local biped
Toby: clever teenaged feline
Theo: very pretty teenaged feline with, er, limited attention span
Mercury, aka The Big Kitty: very, very mellow elderly feline -- like, stoned-for-the-last-five-years levels of mellow; also, Best Babysitter Ever
Bat: self-explanatory
h.l: Hey, guys. It's almost bedtime; are you coming upstairs?
Theo: We're busy!
Toby: Shhhhhh.
h.l: What are you doing?
Theo: We're watching the top of the bookshelves!
Toby: Shhhhhh.
Theo: It's very exciting!
Toby: SHHHHHH.
h.l: ...okay. [goes upstairs]
[a few minutes later]
h.l: Dammit, I forgot to fill the upstairs water dish. [comes downstairs]
[scuffle]
[THUMP]
[shrieking sounds]
Theo: Ah kaaaaaaaaaaawwa mouuuuuuuuuuuuuuuumf! A faaaaaaaaaaaaaaaii mouuuuuuuuuuuuuuuumf!
h.l: WTF?
Theo: Ah kawwa faii moumf!
h.l: [flicks lightswitch] OH SHIT.
Theo: I caught--
Toby: DON'T OPEN YOUR MOUTH, YOU IDIOT.
Theo: --a flying mouse! I have to sing a victory aria!
Bat: OH SHIT.
h.l: THAT'S WHAT I SAID.
Bat: OH SHIT OH SHIT OH SHIT OH SHIT OH SHIT OH SHIT OH SHIT
h.l: Dammit, now it's under the couch. -- OH no you don't.
Toby: LET ME GO. I'LL GET IT.
h.l: How on earth did your brother end up with the bat in the first place? Did it, like, fly into his mouth as he sang a song of great and ferocious hunter-ness?
Toby: I DON'T WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT.
Bat [sotto voce]: OH SHIT OH SHIT OH SHIT OH SHIT OH SHIT OH SHIT OH SHIT
Toby: SERIOUSLY, LET GO OF ME. THAT IS MY NATURAL PREY UNDER THERE AND I WANT IT.
h.l: Um, no.
Theo: I caught a flying mouse! Did you see?
h.l: Yes, Theo, I saw. [scoops]
Toby: AND YOU LET IT GET AWAY. I SERIOUSLY CANNOT BELIEVE WE'RE RELATED.
[h.l shuts T&T in another room]
h.l: Okay, bat, we're gonna get you out of here. [moves couch, pops mesh wastebin over bat, slides cardboard underneath, goes to open front door]
Mercury: Hey, whoa, what's all the ruckus?
Bat: OH SHIT OH SHIT OH SHIT IT'S ANOTHER ONE OH SHIT OH SHIT OH SHIT OH SHIT
Mercury: Dude, what are you doing in the wastebasket?
Bat: OH SHIT OH SHIT OH SHIT OH SHIT OH SHIT OH SHIT
Mercury: Hey, biped, there's a... something... freaking out in the wastebasket.
h.l: Thanks, I'm on it. We're going outside right now.
Bat: FREEDOM! [flops awkwardly away]
h.l: Well! That was more excitement than I needed this evening.
Toby: LET US OUT.
h.l: Yes, coming, you're free, go run amok.
Toby: WHERE IS IT.
Theo: I caught a flying mouse!
Toby: OMG YOU GOT RID OF MY BAT. I HATE YOU. YOU'RE NOT MY REAL MOM.
Theo: This is where I caught the flying mouse!
Toby: IT WAS IN THIS WASTEBASKET, I KNOW IT.
Mercury: Yeah, there was this squeaky little... thing... in there. But, like, with wings and stuff. It was weird.
Toby: What part of NATURAL PREY do you people not understand?
Mercury: Whatever, little dude.
h.l: I'm going to bed.
Toby: I HATE YOU.
Theo: Oooh, look! A glitterball!
Toby: I HATE YOU TOO.
FIN
As of this morning, our little drama has a sequel.
DRAMATIS PERSONAE:
see above
ACT ONE
h.l: OW. Ooof. What the...?
Bat: OH SHIT OH SHIT OH SHIT OH SHIT OH SHIT OH SHIT OH SHIT OH SHIT
Theo: We riiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiide at daaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaawn!
Toby: SHUT UP AND GET OUT OF MY WAY.
Bat: OH SHIT OH SHIT OH SHIT OH SHIT OH SHIT OH SHIT OH SHIT OH SHIT
h.l: [rolls over and looks at clock] Oh, you have got to be kidding me.
Theo: Victoryyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy will be miiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiine!
Toby: OMG BE QUIET ALREADY.
h.l: Well, at least you're not tearing around the bedroom like your tail's on fire.
Mercury: Dude, I have important sleeping to do. I don't know what their problem is.
Bat: OH SHIT OH SHIT OH SHIT OH SHIT OH SHIT OH SHIT OH SHIT OH SHIT
h.l: Okay, I'm going to go wash my face and contemplate our options. I'll be right back.
Toby: I VOTE WE KILL IT.
Theo: I siiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiing the song of the mighty hunnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnterrrrrrrrrrrrrr!
Mercury: Whatever, little dude. Wake me if you need me.
[h.l goes downstairs, contemplates going back to sleep on couch, sighs, performs morning ablutions, returns upstairs]
Toby: GODDAMMIT.
Theo: The flying mouse has disappeared!
Toby: No it hasn't. It's under the dresser. Possibly behind the dresser. I'm going to go check.
h.l: Um--
Theo: It just disappeared!
h.l: I'm sure it did, sweetie.
Toby: [emerging] Definitely behind the dresser.
Bat: [sotto voce] OH SHIT OH SHIT OH SHIT OH SHIT OH SHIT OH SHIT OH SHIT OH SHIT
h.l: Guys. Guys! Let's go have breakfast.
Theo: Ooooh, breakfast!
Mercury: Did somebody say breakfast?
Toby: NO BREAKFAST. I am waiting right here for that bat.
h.l: Suit yourself.
ACT TWO
h.l: Toby, sweetie, it's four o'clock. You've been up here all day?
Toby: YES. NATURAL PREY.
h.l: Um, no. [scoops]
Toby: HEY.
h.l: Okay, bat, rescue mission commencing. [moves dresser]
Bat: Whafu--?
h.l: [pops mesh wastebin over bat clinging to back of dresser, slides cardboard between bin and dresser]
Bat: OH SHIT OH SHIT OH SHIT OH SHIT OH SHIT OH SHIT OH SHIT OH SHIT
h.l: Oh, for fuck's sake. Let's go.
Toby: GIMME. GIMME. GIMME. GIMME. GIMME.
h.l: No.
Theo: Hi! Is something going on? What's going on? Is it exciting? Shall I sing?
Toby: NO.
h.l: You guys are not coming outside with me.
Toby: I DON'T NEED TO GO OUTSIDE. I JUST WANT MY NATURAL PREY. PUT DOWN THE WASTEBASKET.
h.l: Yeah, no.
Bat: OH SHIT OH SHIT OH SHIT OH SHIT OH SHIT OH SHIT OH SHIT OH SHIT
h.l: Look, bat, you're outside. Go on, shoo.
Bat: THE YELLOW FACE! IT BURNS US!
h.l: Shoo!
Bat: I prefer to cling like grim death to this nice mesh wastebasket until twilight, thanks.
h.l: Not an option, sorry. I'm taking the wastebasket back inside now, so...
Bat: Lovely afternoon for a tour of the neighborhood!
h.l: That's the spirit. Bye now!
Toby: OMG YOU GOT RID OF MY BAT AGAIN. I HATE YOU. I HATE YOU SO MUCH. YOU ARE THE WORLD'S WORST BIPED AND SO TOTALLY NOT MY REAL MOM.
Mercury: Calm down, little dude. Would you like your ears washed?
Toby: NO. I AM POWER-SULKING.
Theo: Wait, we're sulking? What are we sulking about?
Mercury: I'm pretty sure your ears need washing.
Toby: NO.
Mercury: Hold still, little dude.
Toby: I AM NOT THAT LITTLE.
Mercury: You are little to me. And your ears need washing.
Toby: NO. [beat] Well. Maybe. Sometimes.
Mercury: Uh-huh.
Toby: I've had a hard day. I'm tired.
Mercury: Well, it's naptime, so there you go.
Toby: Big Kitty, will YOU be my mom?
Mercury: Sure thing, little dude.
Theo: Oooh, look! A glitterball!
Mercury: They take so much looking after.
h.l: Thank god we have you for that.
Mercury: Well, they're cute. And soft! They make excellent pillows.
h.l: I'm glad we're back to normal around here.
Toby: I'm still sulking! Just... with my eyes closed.
h.l: Uh-huh.
Theo: Ah kawwa giierbaaw!
FIN
Originally posted at Dreamwidth || Read
comments on Dreamwidth