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in
herdedcats
[Bleach] Setting Sun, Rising Moon (8/12)
Title: Setting Sun, Rising Moon (part 8 of 12)
Rating: PG for this chapter
Word Count: 3,099
Summary: Half a century ago, Ichigo became a substitute shinigami while he was still alive. At the end of that life, it's time to become the real thing, but with death comes unexpected challenges-not the least of which is that presented by seeing Rukia again for the first time in years.
Chapter eight: On mending things once broken, facing difficult facts and dinner with family.
Spoilers: Assumes knowledge of all characters and events leading up to the winter war, but as this takes place in the future, historical references are largely creative inventions.
To chapter one
To chapter two
To chapter three
To chapter four
To chapter five
To chapter six
To chapter seven
Setting Sun, Rising Moon: Chapter 8
30 years ago
"Renji!" The captain of the ninth division looked over his shoulder, then stopped to wait for Rukia to catch up.
"Mornin'," he said.
"It's about time you acknowledge my presence." She reached over to take his hand. "Didn't you see me trying to catch your eye throughout the meeting?"
"I dunno." He smiled faintly. "I figured you'd be a dutiful vice-captain and pay attention to everything Yamamoto said."
"Oh, hush," she said. "Not that I distrust the commander's judgment, but I don't really see why we must have these meetings on a weekly basis. I've begun to memorize them. We could accomplish more at our respective offices."
"Yeah, I guess so."
She squeezed his hand. "I've got to return to my division soon, but I thought I'd walk you to yours first."
"Making sure I get back safe, Kuchiki?" He smirked. "I feel so protected." She elbowed him in the side by way of reply.
"You've been busy lately," she said. "I am simply making sure we spend more time together."
"Guess I have been kinda wrapped up in work," he said. He remained quiet for a moment as they walked. "Got a report from the living world the other day."
"You get many reports from the living world," she said, amused.
"This one was special," he said. "Well, kinda. It was about Ichigo."
Rukia stiffened with surprise and trepidation. "Oh?" she said, striving for a light tone.
"Yeah," he said, only looking at her out of the corner of his eye. "You know we gotta keep tabs on him, Inoue, all of those guys. Turns out Ichigo was in a living world hospital this week-something with his heart, I don't know. It sounded pretty serious. They were making noises about prepping for his arrival in Soul Society."
Her mouth seemed to go dry for an instant. "Already?" she said. "That's so-he should have years left. He was always very healthy!" She wanted to cringe at the shrill note in her voice, and hoped Renji hadn't noticed.
"He probably still does," he said. "False alarm, it looks like. He's gonna be all right. No surprise-Ishida's not gonna let the guy die in his hospital and make him look like a bad doctor."
She let out a long breath. "I see," she said, trying to calm her whirling thoughts. She'd always wondered what it would feel to have Ichigo join her world. It seemed she would have more time to wonder.
She didn't dare identify the tight emotion in her chest as disappointment.
"You okay with that?"
"Why shouldn't I be? Idiot." She scowled for a moment before softening her expression. "I want him to live his life and be happy, Renji. Like us." She leaned up expectantly and after a moment, he obliged, kissing her softly.
The rest of the walk was quiet. Time alone together without any of their respective subordinates or duties clamoring for attention was a rare thing. She resolved to forget about Ichigo and his health scare and enjoy being near Renji, though he was being quieter than usual. She considered pressing him to talk more, but decided against it. If something were bothering him, she trusted him to tell her about it.
"Dinner tonight?" she offered once they'd reached his offices. "The usual time?"
He nodded. "Sounds good."
"I'll see you then," she said. "Try not to miss me."
"Heh." He looked away. "I will."
--
“Renji! You’re late!”
He looked from his desk, where he'd apparently been engrossed in paperwork. “Mmm?”
Rukia crossed her arms and stalked over to him. “You were supposed to meet me for dinner at eight o’clock.”
"Oh, right." He rubbed at his temple. "Time to go already?"
“You will notice, Captain Abarai, that it is now nine o’clock,” she said pointedly. “What does that tell you?”
"Shit." He sighed. “Look, I’m sorry, Rukia. I’ve got a giant pile of paperwork and lazy-ass seated officers and it just slipped my mind. Won’t happen again.”
“I should hope not. It is all right to delegate, Renji. That's what we vice-captains are for.” She leaned over to kiss him and frowned when he drew back after only a moment. “Is everything all right? You seem distracted.”
“I’m fine.” He closed his eyes before reaching over and to touch her hand. “Just tired.”
“Then you should rest more, idiot.”
“Yeah, yeah. Look, I had some snacks from the break room earlier, but if you still wanna get dinner, we can go.”
She studied him for a moment. “It is late for dinner,” she said. “Perhaps we should just retire for the evening.”
“Sure.” He stood. “Whatever you want, Rukia.”
--
Waking up was like dragging herself out of a long, dark tunnel. Rukia wondered at her exhaustion as she blinked away the fuzziness, and a glance at the window provided the answer. It was well before dawn, the only hint of sunrise a muddled grayness in the east.
There was no point in staying awake, then. She rolled over to curl up against where a warm body should have been, but found only empty sheets. She sat up, looking around. “Renji?”
He stood a few feet away, already fully-dressed and tying the final knot in his uniform’s sash. He looked at her, but didn’t meet her eyes. No-it was more like he wouldn’t meet her eyes. “Hey,” he said after a pause.
She tugged at her yukata where it had fallen down one shoulder. “What are you doing up? It’s so early. Come back to bed.”
He was quiet for a long moment. “I don’t think so,” he said, finishing with the knot.
She swung her legs around to touch the floor. “You can’t possibly be going to work this early. It’s not even light out.”
“Rukia…” He closed his eyes. “This ain’t gonna work anymore.”
“What?” She frowned. “What are you talking about?”
“I’m saying we can’t be together anymore,” he said. “It’s over.”
She opened her mouth, closed it, and swallowed heavily. “All right,” she said in an even tone. “Do I get to know why?”
“It’s just not going to work, that’s all."
“That is not all! You seemed perfectly content last night. Now you want to break up? Why?”
He snapped to face her. “Because,” he said. “You’re still in love with Ichigo.”
She froze for an instant. “That’s not true.”
“Yeah, it is,” he said quietly. “Took me long enough to see it. About time you did too.”
“Stop it!” She stood. “That was years ago. I’m with you for a reason.”
“Yeah, I know. But it’s not the reason I hoped it was.” He shook his head. “You think I like saying this? I’ve been watching you for months now. I’ve been right here and you’re just…somewhere else. I should’ve seen it sooner. You love him, not me, not the way I want you to. You never stopped.”
She sat back on the bed heavily. “It doesn’t matter anyway,” she said. “It would never work. We’re a world apart.”
“Idiot.” The word was harsher than the tone. “That won’t last forever. Everyone dies.”
She laughed, but it came out more like a sob. “I can’t live like I’m waiting around for decades,” she said. “He’s got his own life that has nothing to do with me. He moved on. And me, I tried…”
“I know you did,” he said. “I wish it could’ve worked. But sooner or later he’s going to step through the gate, and he’s still going to want you.”
“I don’t think so.”
“Think whatever you want.” He voice grew hard. “But I can’t be what you need. So we’re done.” He slid the door open and stepped through. “See you around, Rukia.”
The present day
Rukia fought the urge to wake, burrowing into her pillow and blanket before consciousness fully claimed her. It would be bad form to oversleep, but she just didn’t want to move...
“Hey.” Something poked her shoulder. “Wake up, stupid.”
“Renji?” She opened one eyed. He was hunched over in chair beside her bed, elbows resting on his knees. “What are you doing in my room?”
“Your room? Take a look around.”
Even as he spoke, she recognized where they where. “This is…the fourth? Why am I here?”
“Do you remember last night?”
“Last night?” She frowned. “I…” She focused, trying to recall. “There was…a mission. I went with the squad…” Her eyes went wide as memory rushed back. “The hollow. Is everyone all right?”
“Calm down, they’re fine,” he said. “You did a good job leading them. Least, until your dumb ass decided to jump in the middle.”
“I did what I had to do. It isn't as though I wanted to be injured.” She pushed the blanket and sheet down, wincing at all the bandages on her leg. “This is not my idea of a pleasant morning, Renji.”
“It’s better than being dead.” He reached over to shove her hand away as she probed her leg. “Don’t poke at it! Geez, you wanna open it back up again? Your bone was sticking out last night!”
“It was?” She blanched at the unsavory mental image.
“Yes! That’s what Unohana said, anyway. I didn’t make it here until after,” he said. “Your brother was here earlier, but you were still sleeping it off. I told him to take a hike and I’d make sure you got home all right once they gave the okay. You know how he gets hives if he’s away from work too long.”
“I’m fine now,” she said. “And I should return to work as well.” She moved to swing her legs over the side of the bed and gaped at Renji when he stood quickly, blocking her in.
“Oh, no, you don’t,” he said, looming over her. “You’ve already proven you don’t have any sense of self-preservation. You go when Unohana says, not before.”
“Renji!”
“Shut up,” he said flatly. “What in the hell is wrong with you, Rukia? You know better than to go against a hollow when you’re distracted! I don’t care if it wasn’t a big one. Even the small fry can kill! This one almost did! What were you thinking?”
“I don’t know,” she gritted out. “Does it matter now? The squad is alive. I am alive.”
“Bullshit,” he spat. “Did you see Kurosaki yesterday?”
She closed her eyes. “Stop it.”
“No! Dammit, Rukia, I don’t care if you want to sink yourself in denial forever, but I’m not gonna just watch you do it if it means you’re going to get yourself hurt! Why can’t you just admit to being human for once?”
“Because I can’t talk about this with you!” she burst out. “Dammit, Renji, you’re the last person who should want to hear about this.”
“It’s not exactly my favorite subject,” he said sharply, then sighed. He settled down beside her on the edge of the bed. “But I wouldn’t be a very good friend if I wasn't here to listen.”
“Don’t ask me to do this.”
“Why not?”
“I’m the one who screwed up things between us,” she said, something inside her twisting with her words. “It’s my fault you and I could barely speak for years. I’m just grateful we’ve been able to rebuild our friendship. If I lost you again-I couldn’t take it, Renji. You don’t have to listen. You don’t owe me a damn thing.”
His expression softened into annoyed fondness. “Doesn’t mean I’m not ready to do it anyway. Remember I told you once that nothing was gonna change the fact that I am always gonna be your friend? I meant it. Still do. And if you’re miserable now, then what the hell did we go through all that for?”
She looked away. “I don’t even know what I should say.”
He rolled his eyes. “You really are a moron, you know that?”
Before she could reply, the door slid open and Captain Unohana entered the room. “Good morning, Vice-Captain Kuchiki,” she said. “How are you feeling?”
“Better, I think,” Rukia said, summoning up all her professional reserves. “I don’t remember much after the hollow attacked me.”
“That’s not surprising,” Unohana said. “The medication I gave you is very potent. You were conscious, but scarcely aware of your surroundings.”
“Did I say anything?”
She paused. “You were rather chatty.”
“Oh...I see.” Rukia bit her lip and wondered what exactly she had said to qualify as 'chatty.'
“Please don’t worry,” Unohana said. “I seem to have suffered a case of temporary amnesia and cannot recall anything you may have said.” She gestured towards Rukia’s leg. “May I?”
“Of course.” She tensed, expecting pain, but the captain’s fingers were gentle, and her flesh was not as tender as she had feared.
“You’ve healed very well,” Unohana said. “I see no reason why you cannot leave under your own strength, provided you move slowly and don’t overdo it.”
“I’ll make sure she doesn’t,” Renji added. Rukia glared at him.
“Good.” Unohana smiled. “Please don’t walk more than necessary, but I believe Kurosaki-san would like to hear that you’re feeling better. He was very worried last night.”
Rukia froze. “Ichigo was here?”
Unohana nodded. “We were having tea when you were brought in. He helped distract you as I worked on your leg. You’re free to go now, Vice-captain.”
Rukia stayed where she was, desperately searching through the black hole of her memory. What had she said to Ichigo?
“Hey.” Renji nudged her shoulder. “Come on. I’ll walk you to your brother’s place. And don’t argue with me about going to the office or to your quarters. I want you somewhere with servants who can get shit for you. You need to rest.” He held out a hand to help her up. “Coming?”
“I’m coming.”
She was relieved to find the journey to the Kuchiki estate didn’t tax her overmuch. It only took one punch to Renji’s midsection to convince him he didn’t need to carry her back. Once there, the servants took over his hovering duties, fussing over her far more than was necessary. Even so, the chance to relax was welcome. She wouldn’t have admitted it to Renji, but her leg was starting to feel slightly wobbly.
It was also nice to be home again. Her brother had not been entirely pleased when she’d elected to move into the private vice-captain's quarters out of division solidarity, but they were better at communicating these days, and he had eventually come to understand. She still spent enough time at home not to feel like a guest, and they made a point of having dinner together at least once a week. It would be good to spend time with him again.
Once the servants were finished settling her and she was alone, her nervousness over what Captain Unohana had said caught up to her. She had been "chatty," and Ichigo had been there to hear whatever she had chatted about.
It wasn’t that she was afraid she’d made a fool of herself-all right, maybe a little, but she could be hardly be blamed for a loose tongue as the result of medication. It wasn’t her fault, and she could take some teasing. But Ichigo had been there last night, and he wasn’t this morning, nor had he stopped in to see her.
She’d been holding back so many things lately. Had any of them finally made it past her carefully constructed filters?
As much as she told herself that fretting over it would be pointless, the thoughts still weighed on her when her brother returned from work. He joined her for dinner, the two of them alone in the stupidly large Kuchiki dining room. Conversation was still not an easy thing between the two of them, but Rukia knew tonight was even more silent than usual.
“Rukia.” Byakuya spoke again as the servants took away their plates and set fresh cups of hot tea in front of them. “Does your leg pain you?”
“No, nii-sama,” she said. “Captain Unohana was very thorough.”
“Of course.” His expression was as blasé as ever, but Rukia thought she detected a hint of worry in his eyes. It had taken many years for her to be able to see some of the emotions he hid, and more to trust that she was not imagining them. “Does something else trouble you?”
Words of denial sprang to her tongue, but she held them back. “It is nothing you should worry about, nii-sama.”
He studied her carefully. “I will respect your privacy, Rukia. But if you speak, I will listen.”
She clenched her hands into fists. “Nii-sama, have you…” Her throat was dry. It would be wrong to burden her brother, who had so many other important concerns, with her feelings, but she could not help herself. “Have you ever wanted something you had no right to want anymore?”
He was very still. “Yes, Rukia,” he said. “I believe I have.”
“I don’t know what I should do.” She looked down
“I cannot make that judgment for you,” he said slowly. “I can only counsel you to make the most honorable choice.”
“I wish I knew what that was.”
He sipped his tea. “Have you discussed this dilemma with the parties involved?”
“I do not wish to burden others because of my weakness.”
“Sharing with those who care enough to listen is no burden,” he said. “And holding back may be more harmful in the end. You are a Kuchiki. You will make the right decision.” He stood. “You should rest.”
She nodded. “Nii-sama?”
“Yes?” He paused on his way out.
“What did you do?”
He was quiet for a moment. “Many would say I made the wrong choice,” he said at last. “But for the five years following, I was happy. And I never doubted my decision.”
Back in her room, Rukia found herself staring at the ceiling.
Things couldn’t go on like this. She needed to let go of these feelings and let go of Ichigo. It was one thing to endanger herself because of distraction, but she would never forgive herself if her undisciplined emotions resulted in harm to her subordinates.
Or she could say something to Ichigo. Lucidly, this time.
It would be a stupid thing to do. Most likely, he would be kind and let her down gently-and she would be humiliated. She rolled over, intent on sleep. The best thing would be to go to work as usual and act as if nothing had happened.
But…
Maybe.
--
Next chapter: "What the hell are you doing?"
Rating: PG for this chapter
Word Count: 3,099
Summary: Half a century ago, Ichigo became a substitute shinigami while he was still alive. At the end of that life, it's time to become the real thing, but with death comes unexpected challenges-not the least of which is that presented by seeing Rukia again for the first time in years.
Chapter eight: On mending things once broken, facing difficult facts and dinner with family.
Spoilers: Assumes knowledge of all characters and events leading up to the winter war, but as this takes place in the future, historical references are largely creative inventions.
To chapter one
To chapter two
To chapter three
To chapter four
To chapter five
To chapter six
To chapter seven
Setting Sun, Rising Moon: Chapter 8
30 years ago
"Renji!" The captain of the ninth division looked over his shoulder, then stopped to wait for Rukia to catch up.
"Mornin'," he said.
"It's about time you acknowledge my presence." She reached over to take his hand. "Didn't you see me trying to catch your eye throughout the meeting?"
"I dunno." He smiled faintly. "I figured you'd be a dutiful vice-captain and pay attention to everything Yamamoto said."
"Oh, hush," she said. "Not that I distrust the commander's judgment, but I don't really see why we must have these meetings on a weekly basis. I've begun to memorize them. We could accomplish more at our respective offices."
"Yeah, I guess so."
She squeezed his hand. "I've got to return to my division soon, but I thought I'd walk you to yours first."
"Making sure I get back safe, Kuchiki?" He smirked. "I feel so protected." She elbowed him in the side by way of reply.
"You've been busy lately," she said. "I am simply making sure we spend more time together."
"Guess I have been kinda wrapped up in work," he said. He remained quiet for a moment as they walked. "Got a report from the living world the other day."
"You get many reports from the living world," she said, amused.
"This one was special," he said. "Well, kinda. It was about Ichigo."
Rukia stiffened with surprise and trepidation. "Oh?" she said, striving for a light tone.
"Yeah," he said, only looking at her out of the corner of his eye. "You know we gotta keep tabs on him, Inoue, all of those guys. Turns out Ichigo was in a living world hospital this week-something with his heart, I don't know. It sounded pretty serious. They were making noises about prepping for his arrival in Soul Society."
Her mouth seemed to go dry for an instant. "Already?" she said. "That's so-he should have years left. He was always very healthy!" She wanted to cringe at the shrill note in her voice, and hoped Renji hadn't noticed.
"He probably still does," he said. "False alarm, it looks like. He's gonna be all right. No surprise-Ishida's not gonna let the guy die in his hospital and make him look like a bad doctor."
She let out a long breath. "I see," she said, trying to calm her whirling thoughts. She'd always wondered what it would feel to have Ichigo join her world. It seemed she would have more time to wonder.
She didn't dare identify the tight emotion in her chest as disappointment.
"You okay with that?"
"Why shouldn't I be? Idiot." She scowled for a moment before softening her expression. "I want him to live his life and be happy, Renji. Like us." She leaned up expectantly and after a moment, he obliged, kissing her softly.
The rest of the walk was quiet. Time alone together without any of their respective subordinates or duties clamoring for attention was a rare thing. She resolved to forget about Ichigo and his health scare and enjoy being near Renji, though he was being quieter than usual. She considered pressing him to talk more, but decided against it. If something were bothering him, she trusted him to tell her about it.
"Dinner tonight?" she offered once they'd reached his offices. "The usual time?"
He nodded. "Sounds good."
"I'll see you then," she said. "Try not to miss me."
"Heh." He looked away. "I will."
--
“Renji! You’re late!”
He looked from his desk, where he'd apparently been engrossed in paperwork. “Mmm?”
Rukia crossed her arms and stalked over to him. “You were supposed to meet me for dinner at eight o’clock.”
"Oh, right." He rubbed at his temple. "Time to go already?"
“You will notice, Captain Abarai, that it is now nine o’clock,” she said pointedly. “What does that tell you?”
"Shit." He sighed. “Look, I’m sorry, Rukia. I’ve got a giant pile of paperwork and lazy-ass seated officers and it just slipped my mind. Won’t happen again.”
“I should hope not. It is all right to delegate, Renji. That's what we vice-captains are for.” She leaned over to kiss him and frowned when he drew back after only a moment. “Is everything all right? You seem distracted.”
“I’m fine.” He closed his eyes before reaching over and to touch her hand. “Just tired.”
“Then you should rest more, idiot.”
“Yeah, yeah. Look, I had some snacks from the break room earlier, but if you still wanna get dinner, we can go.”
She studied him for a moment. “It is late for dinner,” she said. “Perhaps we should just retire for the evening.”
“Sure.” He stood. “Whatever you want, Rukia.”
--
Waking up was like dragging herself out of a long, dark tunnel. Rukia wondered at her exhaustion as she blinked away the fuzziness, and a glance at the window provided the answer. It was well before dawn, the only hint of sunrise a muddled grayness in the east.
There was no point in staying awake, then. She rolled over to curl up against where a warm body should have been, but found only empty sheets. She sat up, looking around. “Renji?”
He stood a few feet away, already fully-dressed and tying the final knot in his uniform’s sash. He looked at her, but didn’t meet her eyes. No-it was more like he wouldn’t meet her eyes. “Hey,” he said after a pause.
She tugged at her yukata where it had fallen down one shoulder. “What are you doing up? It’s so early. Come back to bed.”
He was quiet for a long moment. “I don’t think so,” he said, finishing with the knot.
She swung her legs around to touch the floor. “You can’t possibly be going to work this early. It’s not even light out.”
“Rukia…” He closed his eyes. “This ain’t gonna work anymore.”
“What?” She frowned. “What are you talking about?”
“I’m saying we can’t be together anymore,” he said. “It’s over.”
She opened her mouth, closed it, and swallowed heavily. “All right,” she said in an even tone. “Do I get to know why?”
“It’s just not going to work, that’s all."
“That is not all! You seemed perfectly content last night. Now you want to break up? Why?”
He snapped to face her. “Because,” he said. “You’re still in love with Ichigo.”
She froze for an instant. “That’s not true.”
“Yeah, it is,” he said quietly. “Took me long enough to see it. About time you did too.”
“Stop it!” She stood. “That was years ago. I’m with you for a reason.”
“Yeah, I know. But it’s not the reason I hoped it was.” He shook his head. “You think I like saying this? I’ve been watching you for months now. I’ve been right here and you’re just…somewhere else. I should’ve seen it sooner. You love him, not me, not the way I want you to. You never stopped.”
She sat back on the bed heavily. “It doesn’t matter anyway,” she said. “It would never work. We’re a world apart.”
“Idiot.” The word was harsher than the tone. “That won’t last forever. Everyone dies.”
She laughed, but it came out more like a sob. “I can’t live like I’m waiting around for decades,” she said. “He’s got his own life that has nothing to do with me. He moved on. And me, I tried…”
“I know you did,” he said. “I wish it could’ve worked. But sooner or later he’s going to step through the gate, and he’s still going to want you.”
“I don’t think so.”
“Think whatever you want.” He voice grew hard. “But I can’t be what you need. So we’re done.” He slid the door open and stepped through. “See you around, Rukia.”
The present day
Rukia fought the urge to wake, burrowing into her pillow and blanket before consciousness fully claimed her. It would be bad form to oversleep, but she just didn’t want to move...
“Hey.” Something poked her shoulder. “Wake up, stupid.”
“Renji?” She opened one eyed. He was hunched over in chair beside her bed, elbows resting on his knees. “What are you doing in my room?”
“Your room? Take a look around.”
Even as he spoke, she recognized where they where. “This is…the fourth? Why am I here?”
“Do you remember last night?”
“Last night?” She frowned. “I…” She focused, trying to recall. “There was…a mission. I went with the squad…” Her eyes went wide as memory rushed back. “The hollow. Is everyone all right?”
“Calm down, they’re fine,” he said. “You did a good job leading them. Least, until your dumb ass decided to jump in the middle.”
“I did what I had to do. It isn't as though I wanted to be injured.” She pushed the blanket and sheet down, wincing at all the bandages on her leg. “This is not my idea of a pleasant morning, Renji.”
“It’s better than being dead.” He reached over to shove her hand away as she probed her leg. “Don’t poke at it! Geez, you wanna open it back up again? Your bone was sticking out last night!”
“It was?” She blanched at the unsavory mental image.
“Yes! That’s what Unohana said, anyway. I didn’t make it here until after,” he said. “Your brother was here earlier, but you were still sleeping it off. I told him to take a hike and I’d make sure you got home all right once they gave the okay. You know how he gets hives if he’s away from work too long.”
“I’m fine now,” she said. “And I should return to work as well.” She moved to swing her legs over the side of the bed and gaped at Renji when he stood quickly, blocking her in.
“Oh, no, you don’t,” he said, looming over her. “You’ve already proven you don’t have any sense of self-preservation. You go when Unohana says, not before.”
“Renji!”
“Shut up,” he said flatly. “What in the hell is wrong with you, Rukia? You know better than to go against a hollow when you’re distracted! I don’t care if it wasn’t a big one. Even the small fry can kill! This one almost did! What were you thinking?”
“I don’t know,” she gritted out. “Does it matter now? The squad is alive. I am alive.”
“Bullshit,” he spat. “Did you see Kurosaki yesterday?”
She closed her eyes. “Stop it.”
“No! Dammit, Rukia, I don’t care if you want to sink yourself in denial forever, but I’m not gonna just watch you do it if it means you’re going to get yourself hurt! Why can’t you just admit to being human for once?”
“Because I can’t talk about this with you!” she burst out. “Dammit, Renji, you’re the last person who should want to hear about this.”
“It’s not exactly my favorite subject,” he said sharply, then sighed. He settled down beside her on the edge of the bed. “But I wouldn’t be a very good friend if I wasn't here to listen.”
“Don’t ask me to do this.”
“Why not?”
“I’m the one who screwed up things between us,” she said, something inside her twisting with her words. “It’s my fault you and I could barely speak for years. I’m just grateful we’ve been able to rebuild our friendship. If I lost you again-I couldn’t take it, Renji. You don’t have to listen. You don’t owe me a damn thing.”
His expression softened into annoyed fondness. “Doesn’t mean I’m not ready to do it anyway. Remember I told you once that nothing was gonna change the fact that I am always gonna be your friend? I meant it. Still do. And if you’re miserable now, then what the hell did we go through all that for?”
She looked away. “I don’t even know what I should say.”
He rolled his eyes. “You really are a moron, you know that?”
Before she could reply, the door slid open and Captain Unohana entered the room. “Good morning, Vice-Captain Kuchiki,” she said. “How are you feeling?”
“Better, I think,” Rukia said, summoning up all her professional reserves. “I don’t remember much after the hollow attacked me.”
“That’s not surprising,” Unohana said. “The medication I gave you is very potent. You were conscious, but scarcely aware of your surroundings.”
“Did I say anything?”
She paused. “You were rather chatty.”
“Oh...I see.” Rukia bit her lip and wondered what exactly she had said to qualify as 'chatty.'
“Please don’t worry,” Unohana said. “I seem to have suffered a case of temporary amnesia and cannot recall anything you may have said.” She gestured towards Rukia’s leg. “May I?”
“Of course.” She tensed, expecting pain, but the captain’s fingers were gentle, and her flesh was not as tender as she had feared.
“You’ve healed very well,” Unohana said. “I see no reason why you cannot leave under your own strength, provided you move slowly and don’t overdo it.”
“I’ll make sure she doesn’t,” Renji added. Rukia glared at him.
“Good.” Unohana smiled. “Please don’t walk more than necessary, but I believe Kurosaki-san would like to hear that you’re feeling better. He was very worried last night.”
Rukia froze. “Ichigo was here?”
Unohana nodded. “We were having tea when you were brought in. He helped distract you as I worked on your leg. You’re free to go now, Vice-captain.”
Rukia stayed where she was, desperately searching through the black hole of her memory. What had she said to Ichigo?
“Hey.” Renji nudged her shoulder. “Come on. I’ll walk you to your brother’s place. And don’t argue with me about going to the office or to your quarters. I want you somewhere with servants who can get shit for you. You need to rest.” He held out a hand to help her up. “Coming?”
“I’m coming.”
She was relieved to find the journey to the Kuchiki estate didn’t tax her overmuch. It only took one punch to Renji’s midsection to convince him he didn’t need to carry her back. Once there, the servants took over his hovering duties, fussing over her far more than was necessary. Even so, the chance to relax was welcome. She wouldn’t have admitted it to Renji, but her leg was starting to feel slightly wobbly.
It was also nice to be home again. Her brother had not been entirely pleased when she’d elected to move into the private vice-captain's quarters out of division solidarity, but they were better at communicating these days, and he had eventually come to understand. She still spent enough time at home not to feel like a guest, and they made a point of having dinner together at least once a week. It would be good to spend time with him again.
Once the servants were finished settling her and she was alone, her nervousness over what Captain Unohana had said caught up to her. She had been "chatty," and Ichigo had been there to hear whatever she had chatted about.
It wasn’t that she was afraid she’d made a fool of herself-all right, maybe a little, but she could be hardly be blamed for a loose tongue as the result of medication. It wasn’t her fault, and she could take some teasing. But Ichigo had been there last night, and he wasn’t this morning, nor had he stopped in to see her.
She’d been holding back so many things lately. Had any of them finally made it past her carefully constructed filters?
As much as she told herself that fretting over it would be pointless, the thoughts still weighed on her when her brother returned from work. He joined her for dinner, the two of them alone in the stupidly large Kuchiki dining room. Conversation was still not an easy thing between the two of them, but Rukia knew tonight was even more silent than usual.
“Rukia.” Byakuya spoke again as the servants took away their plates and set fresh cups of hot tea in front of them. “Does your leg pain you?”
“No, nii-sama,” she said. “Captain Unohana was very thorough.”
“Of course.” His expression was as blasé as ever, but Rukia thought she detected a hint of worry in his eyes. It had taken many years for her to be able to see some of the emotions he hid, and more to trust that she was not imagining them. “Does something else trouble you?”
Words of denial sprang to her tongue, but she held them back. “It is nothing you should worry about, nii-sama.”
He studied her carefully. “I will respect your privacy, Rukia. But if you speak, I will listen.”
She clenched her hands into fists. “Nii-sama, have you…” Her throat was dry. It would be wrong to burden her brother, who had so many other important concerns, with her feelings, but she could not help herself. “Have you ever wanted something you had no right to want anymore?”
He was very still. “Yes, Rukia,” he said. “I believe I have.”
“I don’t know what I should do.” She looked down
“I cannot make that judgment for you,” he said slowly. “I can only counsel you to make the most honorable choice.”
“I wish I knew what that was.”
He sipped his tea. “Have you discussed this dilemma with the parties involved?”
“I do not wish to burden others because of my weakness.”
“Sharing with those who care enough to listen is no burden,” he said. “And holding back may be more harmful in the end. You are a Kuchiki. You will make the right decision.” He stood. “You should rest.”
She nodded. “Nii-sama?”
“Yes?” He paused on his way out.
“What did you do?”
He was quiet for a moment. “Many would say I made the wrong choice,” he said at last. “But for the five years following, I was happy. And I never doubted my decision.”
Back in her room, Rukia found herself staring at the ceiling.
Things couldn’t go on like this. She needed to let go of these feelings and let go of Ichigo. It was one thing to endanger herself because of distraction, but she would never forgive herself if her undisciplined emotions resulted in harm to her subordinates.
Or she could say something to Ichigo. Lucidly, this time.
It would be a stupid thing to do. Most likely, he would be kind and let her down gently-and she would be humiliated. She rolled over, intent on sleep. The best thing would be to go to work as usual and act as if nothing had happened.
But…
Maybe.
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Next chapter: "What the hell are you doing?"