New Entry; It all comes back around.
With Andrefen's visit came revelation and, for a time, some peace of mind. He's right, of course. I know that I shouldn't be making myself sick over this, that it doesn't do any good. I took his advice and tried to get some sleep. I finished a few more than two pages of that book of his before finally managing to drift off. It couldn't have been more than a couple of hours before I was up again, finding more busywork, trying to keep Yonu distracted or was it me I was trying to distract oh who am I kidding. Of course I'm trying to distract myself. Every time I let my mind wander it goes in a thousand different directions and none of them are uplifting. I try to turn it onto positive thoughts and it just keeps turning back and back and back again. And every time it spins out of my control my heart feels like it's being squeezed in a vice.
What if what if what if. That's all my mind does, circling around and never finding an answer to any of its questions. It's pointless and stupid, but no matter how many times I tell myself that I can't get it to stop.
What if Indarus does still have men looking for us? What if they find him? What if he doesn't come back? What if I had ignored the fact that my attraction was becoming more than just physical? What if I had never spoken up in the first place? What if I'd managed to stay hidden a year ago when I first came to Northrend? What if I'd never lost my mind to begin with?
... Actually, that last one is easy to answer. I'd still be doing what I'd always done. Going through client after client with a few random, meaningless flings thrown in for fun. A part of me can't believe that I used to live that way. I used to tell myself all sorts of things to convince myself that I didn't want anything else. I don't think it ever really worked. I'm a terrible liar.
Am I overreacting? Would someone with more experience in this sort of thing not be taking it so hard? All of the years behind me, all of the experience, and emotionally I feel like a child. Practically everything I know is from being on the outside looking in, so to speak, and it's made me quite a good pretender.
Pretend that I might, when it comes down to it, I don't know what I'm doing.
That frightens me more than anything.
What if what if what if. That's all my mind does, circling around and never finding an answer to any of its questions. It's pointless and stupid, but no matter how many times I tell myself that I can't get it to stop.
What if Indarus does still have men looking for us? What if they find him? What if he doesn't come back? What if I had ignored the fact that my attraction was becoming more than just physical? What if I had never spoken up in the first place? What if I'd managed to stay hidden a year ago when I first came to Northrend? What if I'd never lost my mind to begin with?
... Actually, that last one is easy to answer. I'd still be doing what I'd always done. Going through client after client with a few random, meaningless flings thrown in for fun. A part of me can't believe that I used to live that way. I used to tell myself all sorts of things to convince myself that I didn't want anything else. I don't think it ever really worked. I'm a terrible liar.
Am I overreacting? Would someone with more experience in this sort of thing not be taking it so hard? All of the years behind me, all of the experience, and emotionally I feel like a child. Practically everything I know is from being on the outside looking in, so to speak, and it's made me quite a good pretender.
Pretend that I might, when it comes down to it, I don't know what I'm doing.
That frightens me more than anything.