A Thousand Little Issues
Sometimes, I hate my family.
I don't hate them per say. I hate what they do to me, what they make me feel, how they treat me, the person they push me into being. I try so hard to keep optimistic. I try to be polite, happy, friendly, all that nice bullshit. And still I get railed at, degraded, insulted, put down, threatened and belittled. There's only so much I can take. I want nothing more than to leave here and never, ever come back. But I always do because I get away from home, I forget how horrible I get treated, how nastily I'm talked to, I start missing my family, I start feeling bad for keeping out of contact and I feel guilty about how sad Mom is about my brother being incommunicado. And I let myself get suckered in again.
They complain because I took a job farther away from home than they'd like. It's only ten miles further away than the nearest city. It's in the town I want to move back to. And dammit all to hell, that gives me almost an hour of commute time there and back that, in addition to eight and half hours of work that I don't have to deal with my family. I am going to my aunt's house though for a few weeks starting Sunday, so thank God I'm not going to have to put up with them for a while. They are insane. Even at Job Corps I was never so micromanaged. My mom can't control any of her other kids, so naturally she tries to control every aspect of my life. When I go to bed, when I wake up, what I eat, where I go, who I talk to, how long I talk to them, when I use the computer, when I exercise, when I do chores, HOW I do chores, what pattern I mop the floor in, how I sweep the porch, the number of grains of dog food I give the animals...it's ridiculous. And before you say "Ohh, she's exaggerating, I swear to you, everything I've listed above is something that she's ordered me to do this way or that way and screamed at me for if I didn't do it exactly how she did it.
I am not worthless. I am not stupid. I am not a liar, a thief and I have never intended to take anything from my mom but a place to sleep and food and encouragment while I was here. I AM going to amount to something, I AM going to be a success and I am going to be truly happy in my life if for no other reason than that I won't allow them to tell me what I will and won't be. That's my little victory and I'll be damned if I let them take that away from me.
I don't hate them per say. I hate what they do to me, what they make me feel, how they treat me, the person they push me into being. I try so hard to keep optimistic. I try to be polite, happy, friendly, all that nice bullshit. And still I get railed at, degraded, insulted, put down, threatened and belittled. There's only so much I can take. I want nothing more than to leave here and never, ever come back. But I always do because I get away from home, I forget how horrible I get treated, how nastily I'm talked to, I start missing my family, I start feeling bad for keeping out of contact and I feel guilty about how sad Mom is about my brother being incommunicado. And I let myself get suckered in again.
They complain because I took a job farther away from home than they'd like. It's only ten miles further away than the nearest city. It's in the town I want to move back to. And dammit all to hell, that gives me almost an hour of commute time there and back that, in addition to eight and half hours of work that I don't have to deal with my family. I am going to my aunt's house though for a few weeks starting Sunday, so thank God I'm not going to have to put up with them for a while. They are insane. Even at Job Corps I was never so micromanaged. My mom can't control any of her other kids, so naturally she tries to control every aspect of my life. When I go to bed, when I wake up, what I eat, where I go, who I talk to, how long I talk to them, when I use the computer, when I exercise, when I do chores, HOW I do chores, what pattern I mop the floor in, how I sweep the porch, the number of grains of dog food I give the animals...it's ridiculous. And before you say "Ohh, she's exaggerating, I swear to you, everything I've listed above is something that she's ordered me to do this way or that way and screamed at me for if I didn't do it exactly how she did it.
I am not worthless. I am not stupid. I am not a liar, a thief and I have never intended to take anything from my mom but a place to sleep and food and encouragment while I was here. I AM going to amount to something, I AM going to be a success and I am going to be truly happy in my life if for no other reason than that I won't allow them to tell me what I will and won't be. That's my little victory and I'll be damned if I let them take that away from me.