Reaching The Breaking Point
I've always had to put up with a lot from my family. They've never been the easiest people in the world to get along with. A lot of times I have to love them in spite of themselves but it's getting progressively harder. My mom's okay, her lack of ability to really stand up for me is my only main concern with her, that and her wishy-washyness on everything. But my stepdad is, and has always been, the prime person that I have to work especially hard to tolerate. And he has stepped over the line so many times.
Well, this morning I was planning to come to Roanoke. I wanted to come visit friends, hang out, game, things like that. I had set it up as a twice a month thing so it wouldn't be an inconvenience for anyone, especially at the house, where I do more than the lions share of the housework and such. And ever since I lost my job and my mom's been pushing me to go on disability, I've done the mopping, the vacuuming, the dusting, the dishes, the laundry, everything. Because I felt bad about not having a job, even though Mom was the one who was really pushing this disability thing so I could qualify for Medicaid for my medical problems.
So anyway, I mention this trip to her days ago, back when I first made the plans. I ask her if she can spare any gas money, just in case and she says no. I say, that's fine, I've got some money put aside that I had saved from when she occasionally pays me a few dollars here and there for helping around the house. Well, she tells my stepdad that I'm going and all of a sudden there's a huge fight because he assumes I've begged money off mom and goes on about what a bum I am, how lazy I am, how I never do anything and she's crazy for helping me. Bearing in mind that
1. I do all the housework and he never lifts a finger to help.
2. I take care of the livestock because the other girls in the house can't get up in the morning and do it themselves, even though it's their dogs and the fact that I have mine here is just a huge "inconvenience".
3. The only reason I'm not working is that mom told me not to, and I've asked repeatedly if she would let me get a job, to which she's always replied "lets wait and see about your disability".
4. I don't ask mom for anything. I got food stamps to help out with the grocery bills, I work around the house to help out, and I don't ask for anything that I don't need. Not to mention that when I WAS working, she took my whole paycheck and would give me money back here and there for gas and all. So I figure I've got close to a good 600 dollars in paychecks alone that she got from me and if I ask for a few dollars here and there for gas money, then I should be more than welcome to it.
It doesn't help that no one ever thanks me for anything I do, or even acknowledges it. It really sucks having to justify your very existance and having your asshole of a stepfather tell you all the time how useless and worthless and what a horrible human being you are. I try so hard not to hate him because I know I shouldn't, that hating him won't do any good but God it's hard. Especially when he doesn't do anything around the house and just putters around in his shop all day and then has the nerve to call me lazy when I'm doing all the housework and taking care of his livestock and everything!
I don't ask for much. I just want to have a peaceful, quiet place. I want to occasionally go and visit friends that I love and that love me. And I'm so tired of this. I'm sick of fighting about it. I just want to leave this house and never come back. But every time I try to go, my mom talks about how much she needs me and things like that. And I can't help but wonder why she doesn't just tell my stepdad that. I'm so sick of being called worthless and useless and a bum.
Well, this morning I was planning to come to Roanoke. I wanted to come visit friends, hang out, game, things like that. I had set it up as a twice a month thing so it wouldn't be an inconvenience for anyone, especially at the house, where I do more than the lions share of the housework and such. And ever since I lost my job and my mom's been pushing me to go on disability, I've done the mopping, the vacuuming, the dusting, the dishes, the laundry, everything. Because I felt bad about not having a job, even though Mom was the one who was really pushing this disability thing so I could qualify for Medicaid for my medical problems.
So anyway, I mention this trip to her days ago, back when I first made the plans. I ask her if she can spare any gas money, just in case and she says no. I say, that's fine, I've got some money put aside that I had saved from when she occasionally pays me a few dollars here and there for helping around the house. Well, she tells my stepdad that I'm going and all of a sudden there's a huge fight because he assumes I've begged money off mom and goes on about what a bum I am, how lazy I am, how I never do anything and she's crazy for helping me. Bearing in mind that
1. I do all the housework and he never lifts a finger to help.
2. I take care of the livestock because the other girls in the house can't get up in the morning and do it themselves, even though it's their dogs and the fact that I have mine here is just a huge "inconvenience".
3. The only reason I'm not working is that mom told me not to, and I've asked repeatedly if she would let me get a job, to which she's always replied "lets wait and see about your disability".
4. I don't ask mom for anything. I got food stamps to help out with the grocery bills, I work around the house to help out, and I don't ask for anything that I don't need. Not to mention that when I WAS working, she took my whole paycheck and would give me money back here and there for gas and all. So I figure I've got close to a good 600 dollars in paychecks alone that she got from me and if I ask for a few dollars here and there for gas money, then I should be more than welcome to it.
It doesn't help that no one ever thanks me for anything I do, or even acknowledges it. It really sucks having to justify your very existance and having your asshole of a stepfather tell you all the time how useless and worthless and what a horrible human being you are. I try so hard not to hate him because I know I shouldn't, that hating him won't do any good but God it's hard. Especially when he doesn't do anything around the house and just putters around in his shop all day and then has the nerve to call me lazy when I'm doing all the housework and taking care of his livestock and everything!
I don't ask for much. I just want to have a peaceful, quiet place. I want to occasionally go and visit friends that I love and that love me. And I'm so tired of this. I'm sick of fighting about it. I just want to leave this house and never come back. But every time I try to go, my mom talks about how much she needs me and things like that. And I can't help but wonder why she doesn't just tell my stepdad that. I'm so sick of being called worthless and useless and a bum.