An Anticlimatic Christmas--&--The Fatigue that Seeps into My Bones
As I'm sure you guys have noticed, I haven't been posting in a while...the reason behind my lack of posts is that I've been so busy with work. I've been so tired from working 12.5 & 13.5 hour shifts that half of the time I don't know if I'm coming or going, sleeping or not. This Christmas season has worn me down--physically and emotionally. Every bone in my body hurts, I feel sharp currents of pain in my legs, arms, and hands...nothing I do can stop the pain, even drinking bottles upon bottles of wine. I've been fighting a nasty cough in the middle of all this, and it's not getting better, no matter how many medicines or cups of tea I try.
I also realize that this is my first adult Christmas without a boyfriend---and it's incredibly lonely, especially when I see couples holding each others' hands day after day, and hearing people gush about their loved ones online. When I see (or read) all of that, it makes me cold and sick down into the very pit of my stomach; because even though it was an illusion of my own making, it was something I had once. If a certain someone hadn't ruined his chances of dating me, I could have had someone to love during this holiday season. If only he had let me, I would have given him as much love as I was capable of...but that's only wishful thinking on my part. We've exchanged some emails and a few haphazard phone calls (of which he owes me at least two, since I called him twice), but I still have no clue what his intentions are and why he talks about getting closer and "catching up" and doesn't follow through. So I guess I'll be patient--it's all I can do at this point. I just wonder how long this dance will go on between us and if there'll be any resolution. **sighs**
I guess the highlight of my Christmas is my beautiful katana (samurai sword), Nobu. I decided to give it a name since it is customary in Japanese culture for a person to name their sword. And I decided on Nobu because the katana is a reproduction of the famous feudal warlord Oda Nobunaga's katana. Every day I find some new detail or design I missed before--and I still have to translate the inscriptions on the blade, stand, and sheath. Nate from work sent it to me, even though I asked him not to give me any presents--how ironic that the present I didn't want turned out to be the best present I ever received!! I thanked him, but I don't know how to pay him back for such an expensive gift--I'm knee-deep in debt already. Granted, I did get some nice presents from my family, like the bathroom decor my sister got me, and the nice clothes and garnet necklace from mom and dad, but the sword was what I really wanted secretly all along.
I still haven't found a place to live yet. I've had no time and no energy to go searching in an unfamilar area. I owe Beth enough for cable and power and I have no idea how I'm going to pay her, what with the new apartment application fees, rent, my loan, and what I owe my dad for buying Christmas presents (he lost my credit card somewhere in the house). And I have no clue what to do for New Year's because of Georgia's fucking retarded blue laws and my practically empty pocketbook. Maybe I shouldn't have been so indulgent last month.... I wish that I could win something that could pay off all my bills and give me a healthy balance in my savings account because I'm so sick of working my ass off for next to nothing. It's so depressing.
As superstitious of a person as I am, I've been scouring every freaking horoscope out there for some whisp of hope for next year. I need things to get better for me in all aspects of my life--because right now the prognosis doesn't look good.
I also realize that this is my first adult Christmas without a boyfriend---and it's incredibly lonely, especially when I see couples holding each others' hands day after day, and hearing people gush about their loved ones online. When I see (or read) all of that, it makes me cold and sick down into the very pit of my stomach; because even though it was an illusion of my own making, it was something I had once. If a certain someone hadn't ruined his chances of dating me, I could have had someone to love during this holiday season. If only he had let me, I would have given him as much love as I was capable of...but that's only wishful thinking on my part. We've exchanged some emails and a few haphazard phone calls (of which he owes me at least two, since I called him twice), but I still have no clue what his intentions are and why he talks about getting closer and "catching up" and doesn't follow through. So I guess I'll be patient--it's all I can do at this point. I just wonder how long this dance will go on between us and if there'll be any resolution. **sighs**
I guess the highlight of my Christmas is my beautiful katana (samurai sword), Nobu. I decided to give it a name since it is customary in Japanese culture for a person to name their sword. And I decided on Nobu because the katana is a reproduction of the famous feudal warlord Oda Nobunaga's katana. Every day I find some new detail or design I missed before--and I still have to translate the inscriptions on the blade, stand, and sheath. Nate from work sent it to me, even though I asked him not to give me any presents--how ironic that the present I didn't want turned out to be the best present I ever received!! I thanked him, but I don't know how to pay him back for such an expensive gift--I'm knee-deep in debt already. Granted, I did get some nice presents from my family, like the bathroom decor my sister got me, and the nice clothes and garnet necklace from mom and dad, but the sword was what I really wanted secretly all along.
I still haven't found a place to live yet. I've had no time and no energy to go searching in an unfamilar area. I owe Beth enough for cable and power and I have no idea how I'm going to pay her, what with the new apartment application fees, rent, my loan, and what I owe my dad for buying Christmas presents (he lost my credit card somewhere in the house). And I have no clue what to do for New Year's because of Georgia's fucking retarded blue laws and my practically empty pocketbook. Maybe I shouldn't have been so indulgent last month.... I wish that I could win something that could pay off all my bills and give me a healthy balance in my savings account because I'm so sick of working my ass off for next to nothing. It's so depressing.
As superstitious of a person as I am, I've been scouring every freaking horoscope out there for some whisp of hope for next year. I need things to get better for me in all aspects of my life--because right now the prognosis doesn't look good.