the storm...
this has been an awesome week... there have been so many wonderful things that are moments that i would definitely record in my long-term memories... but i'll write about them later...
the problem is, i've had so many moments of frustration, that they have seemed to overpower those positive thoughts...
what makes it worse, is the fact that i've seemed to target the people i care a lot about... it seemed to take a toll on my friends...
whatever it was that has clouded my perception of the sun, whatever is blocking the light, has had a very negative effect on me...
i've become so selfish with how i perceive people... my personality has strengthened, to the point that i'm justifying all my reasons for why i dislike things about others... the reasons i use all end with "this is who I am, so deal with it..."
and as much as i hate to admit how off-center i've been lately, these people don't deserve me judging them, especially behind their backs...
this week, i have been pissed off by people's selfishness, dependence, unreliability, insincerity, lack of presence, lack of communication, overcommunication, drama...
and i've realized today... that... i've suddenly focused on everybody's negatives, that it's ruining the beauty that i've seen in people...
this hurts... it hurts me, and it hurts those that are on the receiving end of my thoughts...
it makes me feel like i need to isolate myself from those that care... until i can find the sparkle, at least... they don't deserve that treatment, especially when they're the people that make me the most happy in life...
as much as i love the rain, it needs to stop... i need to see the light again... i need to find peace with myself, and calm whatever it is that enables me to focus on others' faults, when i should only be focusing on my own, and trying to better myself...
i can't change people... i can't change the little quirks about them... i have to learn to love them, in spite of those faults...
come on, john... get your head on straight... for this, being potentially one of your best years at PUC, you're screwing things up for yourself...
i know i'll make it through the storm... i just need to wait it out... it'll just takes time...
- - - - - - -
wednesday night, i had some late night online conversations with jordan and cory, after helping andy with his campaign speech...
thursday, colloquy went okay... heard some good and bad speeches, and enjoyed craig and brad's imitation mac commercials, with the "no box" that is running for seven positions... later in the day, i ran into bosse, kara, and janer in grainger lobby, so i chatted with them for about an hour... met with a small group later for darrin's choral conducting class...
heubach lecture that night, from dr lisa beardsley... went early, played a game of pa soi/rich man, poor man with cory, andy (my next-door neighbor, who i just met, haha), and andy's friend... cory and i went to the presentation afterwards, which went well, even though she totally spoiled the plot of "the illusionist" for us... a lot of good points and quotes... the one that sticks out is the idea that "our bad choices don't only affect us, but affect those around us..." not new knowledge, but a good reminder... laurie and i stopped by to say hi to ranzolin to ensure our extra credit, and he tells us that he "hopes to see us in class..." oops? haha! was it that obvious that we ditched class on wednesday?
headed down to watch the conclusion of the three-part grey's anatomy arc with laurie and cory, which i ended up rewatching in my room b/c i couldn't really hear anything...
friday... books of moses was fun... dr beardsley was our guest presenter... she had us break up in groups of three, each of us being a summarizer, an elaborator, and a knowledge tester... she told us that she would flash the lights to signify when the next person would start... i finished summarizing after a minute, but cory refused to start next, so i told him to blink rapidly to "flash the lights" himself... laurie thought he looked crazy... anyways... fun times: cory imagining floods of israelites chasing after a giant lizard... laurie asking about petting swine at county fairs, and cory and i giving her blank stares, since we've never been to fairs... me mentioning that insects that "walk on all fours" need to have their two middle legs ripped off, since insects have six legs... yeah...
neverending friday... had lunch with andy, and we had some venting sessions... bell rehearsal at elmshaven church... darrin cracking a joke, saying that "if we weren't supposed to eat cows, why are they made out of meat?" setting up for interactions by myself for a while, until bosse and joram showed up...
had some great interactions chill time with angeli and andy, after we finished preparing the food... talked about lance, the current SA... angeli and i decided to pass on vespers and just hang out and talk... she told me a really cool story about how randell 6-way calls his buddies every week, and they just have guy-time over the phone, since they all live in different places now... i thought that was really amazing...
interactions turned out being really stressful, since it was a huge rush, and we were slightly understaffed... angeli, josh, andy, and i were all worked to death pretty much... there was some frustrating moments to deal with, too... anyways, after the rush, ended up driving angelic and sara up to their dorm, then stayed until almost midnight cleaning up... it never usually takes that long...
sabbath... i drove with darrin and george to elmshaven church... we could've done better... our passacaglia was pretty bad; the lower bells got lost, the upper bells got thrown off... pastor surridge interviewed us all, asking me if i was being punished or something, by having to play the entire lower octave by myself...
after unloading the bells at church, andy came with us, and i led the caravan of cars to the rasmussen's house, where mrs rasmussen made us sabbath lunch... OH MAN! the best lunch ever! she made us loaf, mashed potatoes, corn, abalone stir fry, pasta, bread, with dessert... i overstuffed my stomach, since it was all SO good...
had to play and sing last minute for evensong, since jordan couldn't sub for me... that went well... i was generally inspired by the program... mrs collins would read a verse, and rasmussen would play a piece that portrays the verse...
made plans with darrin afterwards to watch a movie, after we both did some homework... i worked on my chorale prelude for counterpoint before stopping by his room to watch "v for vendetta..." that movie was amazing! afterwards, i went back to my room to continue on my project... cory stopped by my room, and we just chilled for over an hour... every now and then, we'd talk, but we just basked in the silence, mostly...
today... costco run... totally splurged on DVD's at best buy afterwards... my DVD folder is completely full now! also talked to nancy for a bit...
the problem is, i've had so many moments of frustration, that they have seemed to overpower those positive thoughts...
what makes it worse, is the fact that i've seemed to target the people i care a lot about... it seemed to take a toll on my friends...
whatever it was that has clouded my perception of the sun, whatever is blocking the light, has had a very negative effect on me...
i've become so selfish with how i perceive people... my personality has strengthened, to the point that i'm justifying all my reasons for why i dislike things about others... the reasons i use all end with "this is who I am, so deal with it..."
and as much as i hate to admit how off-center i've been lately, these people don't deserve me judging them, especially behind their backs...
this week, i have been pissed off by people's selfishness, dependence, unreliability, insincerity, lack of presence, lack of communication, overcommunication, drama...
and i've realized today... that... i've suddenly focused on everybody's negatives, that it's ruining the beauty that i've seen in people...
this hurts... it hurts me, and it hurts those that are on the receiving end of my thoughts...
it makes me feel like i need to isolate myself from those that care... until i can find the sparkle, at least... they don't deserve that treatment, especially when they're the people that make me the most happy in life...
as much as i love the rain, it needs to stop... i need to see the light again... i need to find peace with myself, and calm whatever it is that enables me to focus on others' faults, when i should only be focusing on my own, and trying to better myself...
i can't change people... i can't change the little quirks about them... i have to learn to love them, in spite of those faults...
come on, john... get your head on straight... for this, being potentially one of your best years at PUC, you're screwing things up for yourself...
i know i'll make it through the storm... i just need to wait it out... it'll just takes time...
- - - - - - -
wednesday night, i had some late night online conversations with jordan and cory, after helping andy with his campaign speech...
thursday, colloquy went okay... heard some good and bad speeches, and enjoyed craig and brad's imitation mac commercials, with the "no box" that is running for seven positions... later in the day, i ran into bosse, kara, and janer in grainger lobby, so i chatted with them for about an hour... met with a small group later for darrin's choral conducting class...
heubach lecture that night, from dr lisa beardsley... went early, played a game of pa soi/rich man, poor man with cory, andy (my next-door neighbor, who i just met, haha), and andy's friend... cory and i went to the presentation afterwards, which went well, even though she totally spoiled the plot of "the illusionist" for us... a lot of good points and quotes... the one that sticks out is the idea that "our bad choices don't only affect us, but affect those around us..." not new knowledge, but a good reminder... laurie and i stopped by to say hi to ranzolin to ensure our extra credit, and he tells us that he "hopes to see us in class..." oops? haha! was it that obvious that we ditched class on wednesday?
headed down to watch the conclusion of the three-part grey's anatomy arc with laurie and cory, which i ended up rewatching in my room b/c i couldn't really hear anything...
friday... books of moses was fun... dr beardsley was our guest presenter... she had us break up in groups of three, each of us being a summarizer, an elaborator, and a knowledge tester... she told us that she would flash the lights to signify when the next person would start... i finished summarizing after a minute, but cory refused to start next, so i told him to blink rapidly to "flash the lights" himself... laurie thought he looked crazy... anyways... fun times: cory imagining floods of israelites chasing after a giant lizard... laurie asking about petting swine at county fairs, and cory and i giving her blank stares, since we've never been to fairs... me mentioning that insects that "walk on all fours" need to have their two middle legs ripped off, since insects have six legs... yeah...
neverending friday... had lunch with andy, and we had some venting sessions... bell rehearsal at elmshaven church... darrin cracking a joke, saying that "if we weren't supposed to eat cows, why are they made out of meat?" setting up for interactions by myself for a while, until bosse and joram showed up...
had some great interactions chill time with angeli and andy, after we finished preparing the food... talked about lance, the current SA... angeli and i decided to pass on vespers and just hang out and talk... she told me a really cool story about how randell 6-way calls his buddies every week, and they just have guy-time over the phone, since they all live in different places now... i thought that was really amazing...
interactions turned out being really stressful, since it was a huge rush, and we were slightly understaffed... angeli, josh, andy, and i were all worked to death pretty much... there was some frustrating moments to deal with, too... anyways, after the rush, ended up driving angelic and sara up to their dorm, then stayed until almost midnight cleaning up... it never usually takes that long...
sabbath... i drove with darrin and george to elmshaven church... we could've done better... our passacaglia was pretty bad; the lower bells got lost, the upper bells got thrown off... pastor surridge interviewed us all, asking me if i was being punished or something, by having to play the entire lower octave by myself...
after unloading the bells at church, andy came with us, and i led the caravan of cars to the rasmussen's house, where mrs rasmussen made us sabbath lunch... OH MAN! the best lunch ever! she made us loaf, mashed potatoes, corn, abalone stir fry, pasta, bread, with dessert... i overstuffed my stomach, since it was all SO good...
had to play and sing last minute for evensong, since jordan couldn't sub for me... that went well... i was generally inspired by the program... mrs collins would read a verse, and rasmussen would play a piece that portrays the verse...
made plans with darrin afterwards to watch a movie, after we both did some homework... i worked on my chorale prelude for counterpoint before stopping by his room to watch "v for vendetta..." that movie was amazing! afterwards, i went back to my room to continue on my project... cory stopped by my room, and we just chilled for over an hour... every now and then, we'd talk, but we just basked in the silence, mostly...
today... costco run... totally splurged on DVD's at best buy afterwards... my DVD folder is completely full now! also talked to nancy for a bit...