21.
Something’s wrong.
I just know it.
I can feel it in the very essence of my core.
I had a dream last night.
It was night time. The wind was blowing lightly. The skies were clear, stars dotting the sky brilliantly. The moon was as it is right now in the sky, half in shape and gorgeous, bright and steady. She was singing.. Maybe I was the only one who could hear it, but her voice was so breathtaking. So pure, so inviting..
Everything felt heavy. My chest felt as though there were something so very hard to bare on it. Breathing was uncomfortable. My eyes and nose were stinging, fresh tears traced my eye lashes. I was sniffling, my breathing was a bit labored as if I had been upset about something.
The night was so beautiful though.
I was standing at the edge of something. Be it a cliff, a building, a rooftop.. Just.. Standing. Everything was surreal, very clear so I don’t think I was in a city of any sort.. Like back home in New York; wild yet tamed, clear and true to the nature that surrounded us.
Everything felt wrong. Everything felt burden-some.
But the night itself.. It was just.. So beautiful..
Not too warm, but not too cold..
My heart fluttered with discontentment. My head hurt from crying.
And then suddenly, it all just.. It almost seemed as if it all floated away from me.
I felt calm, I felt relieved.
I heard a voice in the back of my head, begging me to stay.
To take their hand.
To try again.
Assuring me everything was going to be okay.
.. I took a step forward.
I decided I wanted to fly. I took a step off of whatever ground was beneath my feet.
And I let go of everything.
And I let myself fall.
It felt.. Amazing.
The wind lacing itself through my hair.
The way it traced along my skin.
Kissed my cheeks.
Cradled me as I fell.
The way it rushed into my lungs..
The feeling of being free.
I don’t remember ever hitting the ground..
But when I woke up..
I wasn’t startled, per say..
I was confused.
And..
I felt alright. I felt, for a brief moment, that relief I felt when I let everything go.
Is it sad to say that I want that relief?
That I want to feel that again?
To feel free, without the chains that bind my wrists and ankles?
Just.. To live. To make one huge decision and go through with it..
.. I don’t want to feel the way I do anymore.
I’m so young, and yet I feel so old. So chained with the choices that I made when I was young -- to take care of those who I love no matter what happens to me. I don’t regret the choice by any means, I just wish that sometimes the burden could be lifted for just.. Just a single night. So that everything could feel right again.
I just..
I just want to feel alive.
I just know it.
I can feel it in the very essence of my core.
I had a dream last night.
It was night time. The wind was blowing lightly. The skies were clear, stars dotting the sky brilliantly. The moon was as it is right now in the sky, half in shape and gorgeous, bright and steady. She was singing.. Maybe I was the only one who could hear it, but her voice was so breathtaking. So pure, so inviting..
Everything felt heavy. My chest felt as though there were something so very hard to bare on it. Breathing was uncomfortable. My eyes and nose were stinging, fresh tears traced my eye lashes. I was sniffling, my breathing was a bit labored as if I had been upset about something.
The night was so beautiful though.
I was standing at the edge of something. Be it a cliff, a building, a rooftop.. Just.. Standing. Everything was surreal, very clear so I don’t think I was in a city of any sort.. Like back home in New York; wild yet tamed, clear and true to the nature that surrounded us.
Everything felt wrong. Everything felt burden-some.
But the night itself.. It was just.. So beautiful..
Not too warm, but not too cold..
My heart fluttered with discontentment. My head hurt from crying.
And then suddenly, it all just.. It almost seemed as if it all floated away from me.
I felt calm, I felt relieved.
I heard a voice in the back of my head, begging me to stay.
To take their hand.
To try again.
Assuring me everything was going to be okay.
.. I took a step forward.
I decided I wanted to fly. I took a step off of whatever ground was beneath my feet.
And I let go of everything.
And I let myself fall.
It felt.. Amazing.
The wind lacing itself through my hair.
The way it traced along my skin.
Kissed my cheeks.
Cradled me as I fell.
The way it rushed into my lungs..
The feeling of being free.
I don’t remember ever hitting the ground..
But when I woke up..
I wasn’t startled, per say..
I was confused.
And..
I felt alright. I felt, for a brief moment, that relief I felt when I let everything go.
Is it sad to say that I want that relief?
That I want to feel that again?
To feel free, without the chains that bind my wrists and ankles?
Just.. To live. To make one huge decision and go through with it..
.. I don’t want to feel the way I do anymore.
I’m so young, and yet I feel so old. So chained with the choices that I made when I was young -- to take care of those who I love no matter what happens to me. I don’t regret the choice by any means, I just wish that sometimes the burden could be lifted for just.. Just a single night. So that everything could feel right again.
I just..
I just want to feel alive.