22.
No more dreams.
Not enough sleep to bring me to a state where I can dream.
Stress.
Stress, stress.
The holiday season is going to be horrible. It’s my first Christmas without Taylor.. And I wish his death wouldn’t be tearing me apart as much as it is.
I reached my hand under my pillow a few nights ago, like I always do, and touched his letters to help me rest, and that seemed to just.. Bring the flood to a state of disaster. I cried, and cried.. It wouldn’t stop until I absolutely exhausted myself. And even then I didn’t get much sleep.. I miss him, and I miss the familiarity. I hate being so dependant on things that seem familiar to me. I wish that I could accept change with the ease that I play off. But those of me who know me for who I really am.. They know that I hate change. I don’t deal with it properly. I panic, break down, freak out.. It’s horrible..
No one really reads this anymore.
I suppose it’s because everyone who used to inhabit this site [before Myspace and Facebook came into the picture] has moved on. Either to other networking sites or simply grown up. Tara still posts every once in a while, as does Elliot, however I don’t think it’s really to keep tabs on their friends like the old days..
I know Gin reads this.. I gave the link to Shandel, and I think I might to Lisa.. However I don’t think I trust anyone else with my thoughts. Feelings. Dreams.
Meh.. Gin’s off at a friend’s birthday party. To hang out with some friends from L.I.J. and then go to a movie before heading back home. She’s been gone since.. Well.. I don’t remember. I fell asleep while on the phone with her before she left, and I woke up alone. All I know is that she’s gone and I’m needy.. I’ve been needy no matter how much I play it off. No matter how much I act like I’m fine.. Ugh.. I want her to come back so that I don’t have to feel alone and vulnerable..
Patience is a virtue, though.
Patience is a virtue, and I will live through this separation for a few more minutes, for her to text me.. Something. Anything. I’ll wait.
Oh LiveJournal.. I wish that I could rewind the clock. Go back to when I was in high school, when I still clung onto Krissy’s arm and dragged her through the halls. Before Jessica. Before my bond with Krissy broke. Back to when I didn’t have a reason to fear everything. I know it’s an impossibility, but one can hope.. One can dream. One can reminisce, so long as it doesn’t go past nostalgia to obsession and depression.
Mary..
Ugh..
Mary.. She’s.. I really don’t know.
She may end up being non-deployable, because she’s been breaking down ever since we split. She caused it and she knows it, but she thinks that it still could work..
How can it work when you go from being a strong, cocky, playful leader to a crushed ball of unidentifiable matter? She doesn’t even act like she used to. Self pity isn’t becoming, in anyone, and I really wish I could get her to open her eyes. She pushed me and I pushed back to protect myself, and this is what happens; a stale mate. She needs to learn that by shutting down and throwing massive depressive fits over a relationship that barely lasted 4 months isn’t the way to solve things. She’s seen a psychiatrist to deal with her past, to get over her demons as I work to get over mine. As I work to try to stop hurting others because I’m frightened..
However, I understand people bond to one another.
I bonded to her.
Me, with my stupid, self-destructive bonding mechanisms. I bonded to her.
It made my headaches go away. It made it easier to sleep for a little bit. It helped with some stressors in my life.. Until she had to screw it all up. Until she became a stress factor. Until she started to insist I go to see her instead of going to class, or driving out to see her on the weekends instead of doing homework -- only to flip out when I couldn‘t. And ever since it broke, I’ve been in pain. My chest has hurt, my headaches are back. My insomnia rules my entire life. I’m getting sick again and my immune system is slowly going downhill. I’m clumsy and easy to upset. I stow away from people, I hide and try to nurse my wounds, while snapping at the people trying to help..
And I don’t mean to.. I’m just scared.
And I’m so tired of being scared..
There’s so much on my mind, LiveJournal.. So much left that I want to say, but so little words to use.
My fingers are actually tired right now.. It’s hard to believe, but.. Heh’. They are.
I guess.. I’ll lay down.
Watch some Netflix.
Wait for Gin to get home so that I can go to bed.
Not enough sleep to bring me to a state where I can dream.
Stress.
Stress, stress.
The holiday season is going to be horrible. It’s my first Christmas without Taylor.. And I wish his death wouldn’t be tearing me apart as much as it is.
I reached my hand under my pillow a few nights ago, like I always do, and touched his letters to help me rest, and that seemed to just.. Bring the flood to a state of disaster. I cried, and cried.. It wouldn’t stop until I absolutely exhausted myself. And even then I didn’t get much sleep.. I miss him, and I miss the familiarity. I hate being so dependant on things that seem familiar to me. I wish that I could accept change with the ease that I play off. But those of me who know me for who I really am.. They know that I hate change. I don’t deal with it properly. I panic, break down, freak out.. It’s horrible..
No one really reads this anymore.
I suppose it’s because everyone who used to inhabit this site [before Myspace and Facebook came into the picture] has moved on. Either to other networking sites or simply grown up. Tara still posts every once in a while, as does Elliot, however I don’t think it’s really to keep tabs on their friends like the old days..
I know Gin reads this.. I gave the link to Shandel, and I think I might to Lisa.. However I don’t think I trust anyone else with my thoughts. Feelings. Dreams.
Meh.. Gin’s off at a friend’s birthday party. To hang out with some friends from L.I.J. and then go to a movie before heading back home. She’s been gone since.. Well.. I don’t remember. I fell asleep while on the phone with her before she left, and I woke up alone. All I know is that she’s gone and I’m needy.. I’ve been needy no matter how much I play it off. No matter how much I act like I’m fine.. Ugh.. I want her to come back so that I don’t have to feel alone and vulnerable..
Patience is a virtue, though.
Patience is a virtue, and I will live through this separation for a few more minutes, for her to text me.. Something. Anything. I’ll wait.
Oh LiveJournal.. I wish that I could rewind the clock. Go back to when I was in high school, when I still clung onto Krissy’s arm and dragged her through the halls. Before Jessica. Before my bond with Krissy broke. Back to when I didn’t have a reason to fear everything. I know it’s an impossibility, but one can hope.. One can dream. One can reminisce, so long as it doesn’t go past nostalgia to obsession and depression.
Mary..
Ugh..
Mary.. She’s.. I really don’t know.
She may end up being non-deployable, because she’s been breaking down ever since we split. She caused it and she knows it, but she thinks that it still could work..
How can it work when you go from being a strong, cocky, playful leader to a crushed ball of unidentifiable matter? She doesn’t even act like she used to. Self pity isn’t becoming, in anyone, and I really wish I could get her to open her eyes. She pushed me and I pushed back to protect myself, and this is what happens; a stale mate. She needs to learn that by shutting down and throwing massive depressive fits over a relationship that barely lasted 4 months isn’t the way to solve things. She’s seen a psychiatrist to deal with her past, to get over her demons as I work to get over mine. As I work to try to stop hurting others because I’m frightened..
However, I understand people bond to one another.
I bonded to her.
Me, with my stupid, self-destructive bonding mechanisms. I bonded to her.
It made my headaches go away. It made it easier to sleep for a little bit. It helped with some stressors in my life.. Until she had to screw it all up. Until she became a stress factor. Until she started to insist I go to see her instead of going to class, or driving out to see her on the weekends instead of doing homework -- only to flip out when I couldn‘t. And ever since it broke, I’ve been in pain. My chest has hurt, my headaches are back. My insomnia rules my entire life. I’m getting sick again and my immune system is slowly going downhill. I’m clumsy and easy to upset. I stow away from people, I hide and try to nurse my wounds, while snapping at the people trying to help..
And I don’t mean to.. I’m just scared.
And I’m so tired of being scared..
There’s so much on my mind, LiveJournal.. So much left that I want to say, but so little words to use.
My fingers are actually tired right now.. It’s hard to believe, but.. Heh’. They are.
I guess.. I’ll lay down.
Watch some Netflix.
Wait for Gin to get home so that I can go to bed.