Ar!
Ar! Everybody, if you don't know what that is.. die. Anyway, just figured I'd throw another update here to waste some time, I went to work.. work sucked as usual, and came home, now I'm sitting here waiting for the Ravens game to come on.. I hate waiting for football.. so much anticipation. But while I was sitting here with tons of thoughts running through my mind, I just kept coming back to the feelings of feeling so useless to EVERYONE. I mean, it's hard to deal with the fact, day to day, that everyone and anyone who once said they loved you.. that they would do anything for your happiness, just up and vanished all about the same time.. and this isn't just Kha, it includes both friends and family.. and it's hard to live with it. It's hard knowing evberyday you wake up that there's no escape from these feelings this time.. it's hard to go by day to day knowing that you have possibly lost the only thing that made sense to you.. to have drowned in flourishing love, and then have to fight my way back out of it.. once more, this includes the surplus of love I once had from friends and family, not just Kha.. sometimes I don't understand why she's doing what she's doing, and the worst thing is I don't think she knows why either.. I think she's scared.. I think she's confused, I think she's stressed.. and what hurts most is.. isn't that the time I should be needed more then anything else.. to help her through it.. to help her escape.. to let her know that no matter what comes her way I'm here waiting to love and help her.. Monica (my warehouse manager) said it best today when I was talking to her about the situation, (First time I ever asked for advice from anyone else about this), she told me that it didn't make sense.. to give up a lifetime of happiness for a few minutes of pleasure at a time. To go through life with the what if's and the doubts when there is something secure and solid right there in front of her. And I don't resent her decision, and I don't hate her for it, I love her.. more now then ever, I've come to find a newfound appreciation for how good I had it with her.. the thought of losing her forever in the relationship sense is what just puts me into a parallel mindset of nothing but misery.. I don't know what to do.. I am not going to give up.. but what happens if I have to go on loving her while she's in the arms of another.. just too much to think about.. I'm gonna go and chill, watch a movie or something, I might be going to a 3-game scrimmage to coach on my boys Ben and Raf, and I swear to you all, you'll never understand how badly I can't wait to see Kha again.. because when we're apart, things are complicated.. things get overthought.. but when we're together.. it's nothing short of utopia.. such perfection in her eyes, her smile, her laugh, her hugs, her kisses.. everything just makes me higher then angels could ever carry me. I leave this entry with what was written to me one time from Kha, a random card sent to me just out of love.. it's the only thing that really makes me hope for the best..
(Front Of Card): You're always in my heart...
(Inside left): "Dear Chris,
I know that we haven't been together that long, and I also know that already we've had trying times. I'm sorry if I ever hurt you. And I'm sorry if I've ever made you feel inadequate. You, like all human beings, have your flaws and imperfections, but that doesn't make me love you any less. I know it may seem like I'm not trying for us as much as you are, but from this day forward, know that I will love you with all my heart as long as you continue to fight along side me.
Yours truly,
Kha Le"
(Inside Right): But I'd rather have you in my arms.
"Love ya."
Should I still read it with hope.. or with the feeling of a lost cause.. I choose to have hope.. and if you don't support me in it, then don't bother chiming in.. I don't need encouragement nor do I need criticism, I need friends.. to help me forget the pain..
I love her, and there isn't a damn thing anyone or anything can do to stop that.. every word I said was true, and I refuse to fall back on my promise because of this speed bump..
<3
(Front Of Card): You're always in my heart...
(Inside left): "Dear Chris,
I know that we haven't been together that long, and I also know that already we've had trying times. I'm sorry if I ever hurt you. And I'm sorry if I've ever made you feel inadequate. You, like all human beings, have your flaws and imperfections, but that doesn't make me love you any less. I know it may seem like I'm not trying for us as much as you are, but from this day forward, know that I will love you with all my heart as long as you continue to fight along side me.
Yours truly,
Kha Le"
(Inside Right): But I'd rather have you in my arms.
"Love ya."
Should I still read it with hope.. or with the feeling of a lost cause.. I choose to have hope.. and if you don't support me in it, then don't bother chiming in.. I don't need encouragement nor do I need criticism, I need friends.. to help me forget the pain..
I love her, and there isn't a damn thing anyone or anything can do to stop that.. every word I said was true, and I refuse to fall back on my promise because of this speed bump..
<3