(no subject)

[hellfirepain]

Meh, couldn't come up with some catchy one-liner for my subject.. umm, where to begin, this week has been pretty busy, pretty fun. I got to see Kha a couple of times, she treated me to applebee's before we went into DC.. and as soon as we got off the metro.. it hit me.. the hershey squirts. (DUN DUN DUNNNNN) so naturally we're scrambling around DC to find a place for me to poo, instead of my pants. Kha eventually took me to some government type building thing and we got to use the bathrooms in there.. then we went to the WW2 Memorial.. which was just absolutely stunning, I wanted to fall asleep with her in my arms there.. but then again that would be creepy, so she led me blindly to the reflection pool thingy in front of the Lincoln Memorial, which was gorgeous as well, except for the smell of bird poo. And then we went to the Washington Memorial and I got to stare at the hypnotic flags.. they was purdy.. anywho, so we walked around DC a little more but basically just headed back home, I was going to spend the night there but nooo, I get a call from my sister's b/f saying my mom was drunk to all hell and needed a ride home.. so after fighting it a little bit I decided to head home and go get her, didn't get home 'til 7:30 in the morning, and the inconsiderate bitch didn't even offer to pay for my gas. So when I woke up at 2:30, I felt absolutely awful because I was gonna spend the night with Kha then go into DC to meet her brother and basically her whole family. So after talking with Kha about it, I finally got 10 bucks to get some gas and come down, when I went to the Crown station, the lady in the booth told me to just pump about 10 dollars worth, just cause I go there about 2-3 times a day, haha. So I got a half tank, headed down, went into DC again with her, and we met up with her Brother, Sister-In-Law, nieces, nephews, and her mother. After a short stay at her mom's, the rest of us headed down to the vietnamese community in VA. On our way down there, I begin to get calls, so I finally called back one of the numbers and it was my pop, in the hospital, where my mom was getting detoxed or something for extreme alcohol poisoning.. the dumbass.. of course most people would have high-tailed it out of there and gone to see their mom.. but not I, I refuse to show her the concern she refuses to show anyone in this family.. I'm just completely disgusted with what she's doing to herself.. so anyway, we went down to VA, hung out in that area a little while, did some shopping, got some food, took plenty of pix, haha, and just had a great time, I got to talk to Kha's brother a little bit, he was a great guy, and I really got the feeling they liked me, or at least I hope. So after we got them back onto 95, Kha and I layed down in her room for a while before she got the idea to go to CVS cause she wanted to buy some things, so we went, came home.. and passed out, haha.. I totally panicked when I woke up considering it's not really allowed for me to spend the night there.. so I hauled ass out of there when I got my senses about me, and now I've been in my room all day playing Madden, exciting life eh? I really REALLY love the time I get to spend with Kha, something about her is changing back to the way she was, she's not as cynical and giving me the cold shoulder when I'm trying to spark a convo in the car or trying to get a laugh from her when she's being quiet. I really hate feeling like a moron when I'm just trying to get some sort of interest out of her and I get nothing.. just a look like "Please, shut up." But I guess that's beginning to go away, and it's a good thing. There was one thing that I really hated myself for this week though, I told Kha in the market.. that I was ok with the thought of her fucking Keith or whatever she wants to do with him.. and I feel like the biggest goddamn idiot for saying it.. because I'm not.. I'm never going to be ok with the idea.. I'm never going to be ok with the fact that she said she wasn't gonna talk to him.. but still does.. said she didn't want to do anything with him.. but still has doubts about if she will.. that she said he wasn't gonna come.. but I know he still is, and is gonna stay with her.. when she told me that they both agreed they couldn't be anything more then friends.. and yet she still has intent to do something with him.. just so much contradiction.. and I flat out lied to her.. I'm not ok with it.. it kills me to know obviously something about me isn't good enough to keep her from wanting to be with someone else.. and the sad thing is.. I can't do a goddamn thing about it.. she has all the power here, and I'm sure she knows it. I'm not trying to hint at the fact that she's using me, cause she's not. I know she's too genuine and caring for that.. but why all this.. why hasn't it gone away.. a guy.. hundreds of miles away.. who could NEVER be there for her like I am right now.. who could NEVER be able to help her in a time of need.. not just words.. but to be there.. to hold her hand.. to give her a ride when she needs one.. to buy her an outfit when her's isn't appropriate for work.. this guy is jeopardizing what I've fought to build.. WHY!? It hurts so fucking bad to know I'm not good enough.. something about him makes her want to do something lustful with him.. and then come back to me in the long run.. and although I told her I'd be waiting.. I don't know if I could.. I couldn't forgive this.. because this is basically a way to get out of calling what you're doing cheating.. she wants to do something with him.. so instead of fighting the feelings.. she gives into them in a moment of weakness, and dumps me.. makes me feel horrific and guilty for something she knew was a lie.. and on top of that.. with something on her mind that she felt guilty about.. I just don't know what to do. I love her, she loves me.. isn't that enough? Why all this.. why all the contradictions.. why all the seemingly empty promises.. I don't want to be weak.. I don't want to break down like this.. but sometimes it's all that gets me through the day. And when she reads this, I know she's gonna either feel bad or get angry with me.. but that's beside the point.. she wants to know how I feel inside.. how I truly feel, and this is it.. I.. Am.. Confused. But the only certainty I have in my life right now is her, I love her, I would willingly die for her, I would sacrifice for her, I would do anything and everything necessary to take care of her.. it's all just a matter if she wants to let me do those things or not.

I'm still so in love.. is that so wrong?