Christ..
Well, It's only been about a year and a half since I updated, but since only one person will be reading this I guess this is my way of opening up even more.. don't know why I have to put how I feel in writing when I'm always telling her, but whatever makes her happy I shall do, uhh, I woke up this morning, after only like 3 hours of sleep cause when I hung out with Kha last night, we took a road trip into DC, I drove down there after being held for mandatory overtime and although Kha got pissy when I got there so late, I bugged her ass into still going into DC, so we drove to the parking garage and rode the green line I think it was into DC, down to some circle, I forgot the name already. But, we walked around DC a little bit, we went into some shops, we got some ice cream, we to a Teahouse for dinner, the food was honestly very tasty, although I was already full of ice cream and spaghetti.. so I just gave the rest to Kha. We sat down in the circle on the fountain and we sat there looking at apartments.. a funny ass guy came around and sold me a rose for Kha, all I remember was how he was proclaiming her beauty.. he was saying she's such an incredible woman.. and the sad thing is, although it might have been a sales pitch, he'll never know how right he was. To be able to sit there with her, looking for an apartment, holding eachother, kissing to let the world know we love eachother, taking cutesy pictures (ones in which I always looked high, I'm sorry for my hideous face ruining your pix Kha.).. it was just the most perfect moment I've ever experienced, and the sad thing is, the whole moment is tainted by what's going on.. if only we were still together, if only she hadn't gone to Kansas, if only I hadn't pushed her away with my insecurities.. all those "if only"'s just made me realize that although that was an amazing night.. it hurts that it didn't seem as right now that we're not together.. so after all that, we rode the metro back to the parking garage, and when we tried to leave you had to have some bitch ass stupid pass to get out, so we went back and got one that I paid for and gave to Kha so she can have a little thingy to help her get to and from work, and then the fun began. I'm kidding Kha, I let Kha drive my car around the garage, she genuinely looked like she was having a lot of fun, and I was so happy that something that small could make her smile.. especially in the time she's in right now.. that's what I want to do for her, not push her through this.. but to help her escape every now and then. But anyway, then her and I went to Hollywood video to get some movies but they were closed so we just went home, talked about design ideas for a while, and then proceeded to have an incredibly risky kinky..uhh... hug and then I went home cause I was so tired.. so when I finally got to bed after a long long one-sided talk with Kha about what exactly went wrong with us.. I layed there thinking.. that I have no one to blame except myself for the condition we're in.. I'm the one who makes her question whether this is what she wants anymore.. and I can't even describe how lost, confused, and hurt I get when I think about that.. and it's something I could possibly have to life with for the rest of my life.. I dunno how I could ever life with myself with that on my mind.. so anyway, fell asleep around 5:30 got up at 7:30, went to work, broke in the new guy some more.. but overall just your average 8 hours in a warehouse. Came home, went to bed, woke up, talked to Kha some.. and she's the one who made me update, so that's where I'm at.. I'm living life.. things are ok.. I guess not much has changed since the last update.. I'm still alone, I still feel useless, I still feel like nothing I do will ever be good enough for anyone, I still feel lost.. but there's one thing I have now that I didn't have back then.. hope.
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