Naruto: What Would Jesus Do? (SasuNaru, Some ShikaChouji, SakuIno, GaaNejiGaa)
Title: What Would Jesus Do?
Rating: M
Genre: Drama, Romance, Angst, with a dash of Humour
Pairings: SasuNaru / NaruSasu, some ShikaChouji, SakuIno, GaaNejiGaa
Summary: After coming out of the closet, Naruto’s parents decide to send him to a conversion therapy camp. But things get even more complicated once he finds himself obsessing over a misanthropic chain-smoker from an unusual family. Now it's up to him to discover himself, his sexuality, and where his convictions really lie. AU.
A/N: I FINALLY got around to tweaking the summary, so say good-bye to the lulzy one that I wrote while drunk! Anyway, sorry it took so long to pop this baby out! I’ve been swamped, but my work load is finally lighter (I hope ;_;).
After Naruto had waddled back to his cabin in a significantly penguin-like fashion (thanks to the notebook that’d slipped farther and farther down his crotch every time he’d tried to take a normal a step), ditched the journal in the classic under-the-mattress hiding place, and snuck back to the cafeteria before anyone could notice that he was still prancing around without an escort, he’d managed to stumble into the cafeteria ten minutes before lunch officially began.
Then he saw what Iruka had meant about the cafeteria.
Even though Naruto had been early, he’d still waited in line so long that by the time he had finally gotten to order his food they were out of pudding cups and he’d been forced to settle with a particularly soggy, mushy looking fruit cup.
But if he’d thought the line before had been long though, then the one now was just ridiculous. It was longer than your average theme-park-Disney-extravaganza-ride line for crying out loud! It started at one wall and then stretched clear across the room and dragged on past the exit. Now that he actually had his food, he couldn’t understand why people were willing to wait so long for it.
Naruto stared at the mashed potatoes in front of him-or at least, what the hairnet wearing staff member sporting an abnormally large hairy mole had claimed was mashed potatoes. Part of him was still expecting the grayish blob to sprout legs and make a run for it.
He made a face of disgust when someone bumped the table and it actually jiggled. Were mashed potatoes even supposed to jiggle? Maybe they’d accidentally given him ash flavored jell-o instead.
One thing was for sure though, the chefs were definitely not on their A game. Which was strange, considering how just three days ago the food had actually been satisfactory.
He gawked at it more, as if he expected it to morph into ramen if he concentrated hard enough. In a brief fit of insanity he actually considered trying it, but decided (after a quick discussion with his intestines) not to touch the offending blob for fear that he might provoke it.
The thing might’ve had teeth! Sharp teeth, that liked the taste of tan teenage boys whose names rhymed with ‘Faruto’.
All the blood drained from his face as he pictured the blob launching off his plate and latching onto him like a face-sucking alien. Quickly picking it off his tray and dropping it with a clatter on a the wooden table, he shoved the plate holding the goo hard enough for it slide a good ten feet away from him.
It wobbled ominously. He shuddered.
With thoughts of ‘better safe than sorry,’ he picked up his fork and listened to a table of people sitting behind him attempt uncomfortable small talk in hushed voices.
Looking around, he belatedly noticed that he was sitting at the only table without a counselor. Come to think of it, he was the only one sitting alone; all the other tables had at least three or four people.
He frowned down at his macaroni, his blond hair dangling in front of his eyes. Without anything to distract him, he realized just how eerily quiet the cold, high-ceiling room was for a cafeteria.
Even though people brushed past him and began to fill surrounding tables, it still just felt so… empty.
Not to mention the awkward first-day-of-camp vibe from before had faded into something much more unsettling. There was an almost unbearable amount of tension wafting through the air. It almost made Naruto wish everyone they had duct tape plastered back over their mouths.
At least then there’d be an excuse for the silence.
He clenched his fist around the fork, gripping the utensil hard enough for the sides of the metal handle to leave indentions on his palm, trying to ignore the loneliness that was continuously tap-tap-taping on his shoulder like an impatient child demanding attention.
Shifting his gaze up at lunch line, his eyes scanned the slew of people all packed tightly one after the other like a row of dominos. He couldn’t help but break out in a smile when he noticed Sasuke standing in the back of the line with his arms crossed. But wait… his lips were moving. Was he actually chatting with someone?
Naruto’s smile dropped along with his stomach when he saw just whom Sasuke was talking to. The pretty boy from group. Neji.
His stomach churned as his mind managed to edit out the fact that Sasuke was glaring hostilely at the boy, as Sasuke’s shoulders bounced a few times to what Naruto assumed were chuckles.
He almost swore he felt… jealous.
His gut tightened again when a smirk crossed Sasuke’s face, his mind translating the look of arrogance into one of amusement. He growled to himself as he used his fork to stab his macaroni and cheese a little more aggressively than was necessary. He wasn’t jealous.
What did he have to be jealous of anyway? It wasn’t like Sasuke was his boyfriend or anything… right?
He shook his head vigorously at that. No, of course not! So what if they fooled around every once in a while? Sasuke obviously needed it, since it was clear that the boy had no idea how to release tension in healthy, normal ways, and Naruto sure as hell wasn’t complaining about the impromptu make-out sessions.
Still… he knew it was selfish, especially since he hardly knew anything about the boy, but just… Sasuke was the first person to talk to him after being ostracized and was the only one in the camp he considered not just an ally, but also a friend; and part of him just wanted Sasuke to himself. He looked down at his fruit cup dejectedly. It was foolish, but when he stared at Sasuke smirking at Neji like that…
He couldn’t help but feel like the leftover fruit cup when they were all out of pudding snacks.
He started slightly when the familiar sound of a plastic clacking against wood came from beside him. He looked up to see a boy with choppy short black hair that looked remarkably like Sasuke sit down beside him.
The black-haired boy gave him a stiff smile and his mouth parted as if he wanted to say something. Before he could begin to speak though, the mysterious smile snapped back into a blank, stony expression as the boy turned to his tray and began to eat. Naruto arched an eyebrow, but before he could ask what the guy wanted someone walked up in front of him.
“E-excuse me… m-mind if I s-sit d-down?” A young pale counselor stuttered, clutching her red cafeteria tray hard enough to turn her already pale knuckles even whiter in an attempt to stop it from shaking.
“Yeah, of course! I’m Naruto,” he replied enthusiastically, giving her one of his trademark grins.
“H-Hinata,” she answered, responding to his grin with a furious blush as she gently set her tray down and sat on the bench across from him.
She squeaked when their shins bumps together under the table and whispered apologies from underneath her thick bangs as she quickly jerked her legs back. He could tell he was flustering her as she fumbled with her milk carton, but he couldn’t help but stare. There was something so familiar about her, something he couldn’t quite put his finger on it.
He shrugged it off and shoveled more of macaroni and cheese into his mouth as he searched out Sasuke and Neji again. The moment he located them, it finally dawned on him. He whipped around and attempted to ask her a question, only to have it be muffled by his mouthful of food.
“I’m sorry, c-could you p-please repeat that?” She asked politely as she tucked a strand of long dark hair behind her ear.
He struggled to swallow when he realized she probably have a better time understanding him if his tongue had been sewn to his bottom lip. Naruto tried again, this time making sure his mouth wasn’t stuffed.
“You look an awful lot like that Neji guy, are you two related?”
She fiddled with her hands, pressing the tips of her index fingers together and watching them in an attempt to avoid eye contact.
“Um… we’re c-cousins,” she answered in a small, shy voice that Naruto recognized as the one that had muttered soothing words to him after the woman on stage had railed at him on the first day. He grinned at her, glad to finally be able to put a face to the voice.
“Ah, really? You guys look like you could be twins!” Naruto exclaimed, looking back and forth between the two, his ill feelings towards Neji immediately forgotten.
“What’s it like working here while your cousin’s here? That’s gotta be weird,” he paused for a moment before quickly adding, “uh, if you don’t mind me asking, that is…” He gave her sheepish grin as he rubbed the back of his head nervously.
“T-that’s actually why I’m here…” She said meekly.
“Huh?” Naruto said lamely, watching as she wound and unwound a loose thread at the bottom of her gray polo shirt around her finger anxiously.
He didn’t understand. Why would anyone be willing sign up for front row seats to a loved one’s humiliation? Hinata didn’t seem the least bit judgmental or sadistic, and it couldn’t have been easy to try to ‘cure’ someone you knew, let alone your own family.
At least, wasn’t that why they were shipped off to this place, anyway? Because their families didn’t know how to, or even want to, deal with it-with them?
He waited patiently for her to elaborate as several conflicting emotions flickered in her pale eyes. She gathered her thoughts and looking resolute, she opened her mouth to speak.
“I…“ the loud speaker clicked on, drowning out her next words as it announced that lunch was ending and for everyone to report to their False Image workshop.
“I have to go!” She squeaked, jumping up faster than a cat on a hot tin roof and then scuttling into the crowd, heading for the exit.
Naruto frowned as he watched her retreating back, utterly confused. First of all, what the hell was a False Image workshop?
And what did she mean by that?
*****
Naruto walked alongside the swarm of people, but once he spotted the small wooden building they were slowly beginning to gather around up ahead he let himself lag behind. He still wasn’t completely sure what a False Image workshop was supposed to be, though.
He paused, his thoughts and body halting as he saw something curious in the trees out of the corner of his eyes. Turning towards the woods, he moved a few steps closer, attempting to locate it again through the thicket.
Buried behind the full maple trees and mantled in the darkness of their shade sat a building. But while the camp’s other buildings were constructed out of unpainted wood that helped them blend into the natural environment, this one was an entirely white, cubed-shaped cement structure that appeared oddly out of place.
Not mention all of the other buildings except for the worship center looked worn, and cracked and creaked like they’d been around for years while the white monster in front of him appeared to be brand spankin’ new.
The way that the trees loomed over it, their leafy branches drinking up the sunlight and blocking it from view, made it almost seem like the camp was trying to hide the building. It was hard to make out very many details from where Naruto stood, but there appeared to be a single white door with something that looked like a keypad next to it, and several little windows located only on the sides of the building.
Apprehension coated the inside of his stomach, and he couldn’t help the chills that shimmied down his spine.
He almost swore he saw metal fence-like bars on the windows.
A twig snapped behind him and he spun around in panic, only to see a squirrel scurry under the porch of one of the wooden buildings in the distance. He laughed at himself as he used the sleeve of his orange t-shirt to wipe the sweat off his brow. He was being paranoid.
The queasy feeling was probably just indigestion. After all, he had just choked down the camp’s gluey macaroni not ten minutes ago.
“You there!” A plump counselor stormed over, her cherubic face flushed red from the heat.
“Quit your dilly dallying!” She hollered as she grabbed Naruto’s right bicep and yanked him harshly towards the rest of the group, not even bothering to hide her irritation beneath a cheery smile.
Naruto was stunned. The women was almost the polar opposite of all the other counselors he’d met so far who-although they angered him sometimes-at least seemed like they honestly wanted to help in their own way. But he remembered everyone had their bad days and some people were just naturally cranky, and he briefly felt guilty for lumping the camp staff all together.
“Let go!” Naruto bit out defiantly once he snapped out of his stupor.
After his outburst, she all but dragged him over to the building where the rest of the group was scattered, obviously fed up with trying to round up all the stragglers. Naruto struggled harder, his stubborn streak ignoring the little voice in his head warning him to stop.
He planted his feet in the ground and leaning back, using gravity to his advantage, he pulled back with all his might-right at the exact moment she decided to let go of his arm. Before he could even blink, his body flung back and collided with the blur of red standing behind him.
The counselor just made an exasperated noise and waddled off to fetch the rest of the absent bodies as Naruto laid there, stunned and aching from the crash. He scrambled to get up and off the person that he’d just involuntarily used as a cushion, apologies already collecting in his mouth.
He stood, quickly turning around, smiling apologetically, and extending his hand out to offer the other person a hand up. He froze.
Angry aqua eyes looked up at him from underneath a mop of hair just as fiery as its owner’s temper. Naruto mentally cursed the impolite woman in every language he could think of. Gaara stared at the tan hand in front of him, and Naruto tried not to flinch in surprise when Gaara grasped it and easily hoisted himself up.
“Heh, sorry ‘bout that.” Naruto chuckled, releasing Gaara’s hand.
Gaara merely brushed his pants off and walked over to the front of the building, a good distance away from crowd so only the faint murmurs of conversation was heard. He crossed his arms and glared silently down at the dirt.
Naruto belatedly noticed that the black stain around Gaara’s eyes had grown fainter since their group session, even though traces of black still clung stubbornly to the roots of his light eyelashes. How much eyeliner had the boy been wearing before?
The skin around his eyes was red while the eyes themselves appeared bloodshot. He kept blinking rapidly and Naruto bet that they probably stun. Naruto angrily wondered if the camp would resort to using paint thinner to try and get the make-up off.
“I’m Naruto,” he offered, hoping to both cheer up the poor guy and get back on his good side.
Gaara remained silent, leaning back against the wall. Naruto was beginning to wonder which one he was talking to: Gaara, or the hunk of wood behind him.
“Um, we’re in the same group therapy.”
“I know,” Gaara finally responded in a voice like liquid ice and shifted his intense glare from the ground to Naruto.
Naruto swallowed hard, guessing the red head was still upset about the whole slamming into him and nearly crushing him thing. Gaara was glaring so heatedly at him that he was surprised his pants didn’t suddenly light on fire. He gulped again.
God would have mercy, but Gaara Sabaku wouldn’t.
Naruto’s nerves began to tie knots in his stomach when Gaara’s gaze stayed on him. Just as he thought about looking away, he stopped himself. Now that Gaara was staring directly at him, he was able to see that the darkness underneath Gaara’s eyes was a different shade than the eyeliner residue on his top lid and were puffy from lack of sleep. The red head didn’t look malicious; he just looked exhausted.
Suddenly, Gaara didn’t seem so scary anymore.
Naruto knew what it was like to have so many different thoughts and emotions twisting inside him that it kept him awake at night. His eyes softened and he smiled warmly at Gaara, taking a few steps closer as he found himself wanting to know more about the boy.
“What does your tattoo mean?” Naruto asked, keeping eye contact and figuring it was the best place to start.
Gaara stayed silent for a while. He appeared to be looking Naruto over, sizing him up before deciding whether or not he was worth answering.
“Love,” Gaara said, neither encouraging Naruto’s friendliness nor dissuading him.
“Why love?”
Gaara uncrossed his arms and headed in Naruto’s direction, stopping when they were standing nearly shoulder-to-shoulder. “It’s what I wanted.” He brushed past Naruto and into the small crowd.
To anyone else, it might’ve seemed like Garaa was just giving him a simple direct, clear-cut answer to get Naruto to stop talking to him.
But Naruto didn’t think Gaara was just talking about his tattoo anymore.
Naruto turned and waded through the crowd, trying to search out familiar faces in the sea of confusion. He stopped when he reached the other side of the building, just in time to see a familiar form stroll behind it. Looking around quickly to make sure none of the counselors were around to haul him back over with the group again, he peeked around the corner.
Naruto got a bad case of déjà vu when his eyes locked on Sasuke’s back, the boy once again off smoking by himself against the wooden wall and looking stiffer than a corpse with Rigamortis. Naruto almost laughed aloud when he noticed that Sasuke must’ve snuck off at some point and reapplied his hair gel, the back of it sticking up every which way.
His hair was back to being just as prickly as he was.
For a moment Naruto wondered if the smoke was coming from the cigarette or if it was really Sasuke’s anger rising off of his rigid form. Then again, Sasuke always seemed like he was agitated; like maybe all that hair gel was starting to seep into his brain.
Or maybe he just had a bad case of hemorrhoids.
Sasuke’s ink-colored eyes were glued to the evanescent curls of smoke polluting the air in front of him, and a mischievous, foxy grin crossed Naruto’s face when he noticed that Sasuke hadn’t even realized he was there yet. Slowly and silently, Naruto crept up directly behind the other boy.
Putting his mouth up to Sasuke’s ear, he yelled, “HEY SASUKE!“
Sasuke spun around, socked him in the jaw, and went right back to sucking on his cigarette. Naruto fell back and landed on his ass for the second time that day, his mind taking a moment to catch up with the rest of his body.
Naruto mentally laughed at how much he must’ve frightened the poor bastard to make him actually punch Naruto. He grinned and opened his mouth to comment on it, but his stomach beat him to it as it growled loudly.
“Man, what I wouldn’t give for some ramen right about now…” He whined, holding his stomach.
Sasuke just stood there, cigarette paused mid-way to his lips, and stared at Naruto like the blond had pressed his face up against the microwave one too many times.
“What?” Naruto asked, leaping up and brushing the dirt off the seat of his pants.
Sasuke just shook his head and brought his cigarette the rest of way to his lips. “You’re an idiot.”
“Oi! Don’t call me that, you bastard!” Naruto snapped, glaring up at the spikes protruding from back of Sasuke’s head yet again. “And you still haven’t apologized for hitting me yet. I know my awesome ninja super stealth scared the crap out of you, but you should at least say you’re sorry!” He said sourly as he gingerly touched his throbbing, aching jaw.
“Hn,” Sasuke grunted, exhaling another long cloud of smoke. “I knew you were there.”
Naruto gaped for a second before rudely shoving his finger right in Sasuke’s face. “Bullshit! If you knew I was there, then why the hell did you hit me?”
“You’re loud, idiot,” Sasuke drawled as he flicked his cigarette onto a nearby patch of dirt.
Naruto sputtered in indignation, the resentment he felt towards the other boy in the cafeteria once again resurfacing. Letting out what sounded like a war cry, he tactlessly lunged at Sasuke, fists flying, and attempted to strike him back. Sasuke didn’t even look like he was trying as he agilely dipped and dodged out of the way of the reckless punches.
“Hold still, damnit!” Naruto growled as Sasuke caught a punch aimed for his face.
“Why? You’ll only embarrass yourself more when you miss me,” Sasuke replied with a challenging smirk.
“You stink!” Naruto cried in frustration, still swinging wildly.
“I stink? What are you, five?” Sasuke said, his usually velvety smooth voice sounding slightly scratchy from all the cigarettes.
“Well it makes sense, since you’re an asshole!”
“Um, guys?” They both looked up at the interruption, only to find Chouji’s head poking around the corner, “I think we’re supposed to go in now.”
Naruto snapped his usual grin into place as he raised his arm above his head and waved at Chouji, “Alright, thanks!” He called out just as the boy’s head disappeared back around the corner. Suddenly, he whirled back around, his fist finally smashing into Sasuke’s stomach. He’d have to remember to thank Chouji for the distraction later.
“Now we’re even!” He exclaimed with a triumphant grin as Sasuke doubled-over and fought to get back the breath that had been knocked out of him.
Naruto darted around the corner, feeling much lighter than he had before. All the bitter feelings that he hadn’t even realized he’d kept pent up inside him had lifted; along with the confusing, jumbled emotions he’d felt when he saw Sasuke with Neji.
He’d have to hit Sasuke more often if it felt that good.
His blue converses kicked up dirt as he jogged back over to the group of now exclusively male campers, and he noticed there was an older looking man with long tousled white hair standing next the wooden door. A woman with hilariously large breasts and blonde hair pulled back into two long, low ponytails began to approach the man just as he turned towards the door and shoved it open none too gently.
As the boys in front of Naruto began walking inside the building, the man placed his hands on his hips and took a deep breath in through his nostrils, letting it out with a loud sigh.
“I smell homosexuality!” He exclaimed.
“Got your head up your ass again, Jiraiya?” The woman smirked as she crossed her arms over her ample chest. Naruto got a whiff of an unexpected odor that made his eyes widen in surprise as he passed her and entered the building.
Either the woman used gasoline as perfume or she’d been drinking.
He hurried into what appeared to be another, though much larger, classroom. Jumping into the seat nearest to the door, he hunched over the desk in front of him, positioning himself so he could both see and hear the exchange through the passing people.
“What are you doing here, Tsunade? This is man territory!” Jiraiya replied with teasing grin, pounding his fist against his broad chest a few times in a ‘me man, me strong’ sort of way.
“Oh? Then why are you here?” She said as she raised an eyebrow in amusement.
“Ha! I guess a flat-chested old hag like you wouldn’t know a real man when you saw one,” he said. His voice was light and teasing though, like it was just two old friends poking fun at each other for laughs.
She smirked. “If you’re talking about yourself, then I pity anything born with a Y chromosome.”
“What do you want? Can’t you see I have young minds to mold?” He grunted as he gruffly crossed his arms.
“I’m just here to remind you not to get too carried away on your perverted lessons,” she teased.
He snorted. “Oh? What about you? Been sucking back the Jesus juice already, I see. And without me, why Tsunade, I’m crushed!” He clutched his chest in mock hurt.
Tsunade yanked Jiraiya down into a crushing headlock. “Keep it down!” She hissed. Naruto worried that her boobs were smothering the man and he didn’t look too comfortable; but on the other hand, he didn’t seem particularly displeased by it, either.
She released him and straightened out her wrap dress. “I just needed something to help calm my nerves,” she said in a near whisper.
The look on Jiraiya’s face softened into something much more sympathetic as he nodded in understanding. “I know what you mean.”
“Be careful, and ju…” she stopped to clear her throat while closing he eyes, turning her head away and strengthening her posture before once again facing him, her face steeled, “just remember why we’re here.”
“How could I not?” He said, his voice sounding far off as he stared out towards the woods.
She began to leave but stopped and turned towards him again, a small smirk playing on her lips as she asked something that Naruto had been wondering about even since he first saw Jiraiya, “By the way, how did you convince them to let you keep your hair? They seemed pretty adamant about you cutting it short, last I heard.”
Jiraiya gave her a wry grin. “I just told them that if Jesus was able to have long hair, then I should be able to, too.”
Tsunade raised an eyebrow. “And that actually worked?”
He snorted. “Not a chance! Either I hack it off by tomorrow or they’re replacing my ass.” Even though he was still grinning, there was a somber look in his eyes as he watched the boys shuffling into his class for a moment before glancing back at Tsunade.
She gave out a few chuckles, even though her half-smile didn’t quite reach her eyes. “I see. We’ll talk more after class.”
“Hey, Tsunade,” he called after her just before she could turn around again, “stop worrying so much, it’ll give you wrinkles.” He gave her a reassuring smile and placed a bulky hand on her shoulder. “You’ll do fine.”
There was still worry in her eyes, but Tsunade gave him grateful smile and nod before walking over to the building that the girls were currently entering next door. Jiraiya turned back to the boys, clapping his hands together a few times.
“Come on! I’ve seen tectonic plates move faster!”
“What is this?” Chouji asked curiously as he passed Jiraiya and looked around the classroom.
“It appears to be some form of Homosexuals Anonymous,” Neji observed from behind him, and Naruto was a little unnerved that he couldn’t tell whether the boy was joking or not.
“Now, now, we’re supposed to call it Loveology,” Jiraiya paused for a second before adding, “of course, I like to think of it more as Babeology One-Oh-One,” he mused with a lewd grin.
Naruto’s brows knitted in confusion. Babeology One-Oh-One? He looked around the room, trying to find clues as to what exactly they would be doing for the class and what the hell Loveology or Babeology was. When his eyes landed on an orange book sitting peacefully on top of Jiraiya’s desk with everything but its spine covered in a mountain of paperwork, he got a strange, sneaking suspicion he’d seen it somewhere before.
Naruto leaned forward, squinting his eyes at it as if that would somehow enable him to zoom-in on the object as he loudly attempted to scoot his conjoined chair and desk closer to get a better look at it.
Wait a second… he knew that cover. It was the same one that peeked out from under his cabin leader’s so-called ‘Bible’.
His head suddenly snapped back, as if realization had literally just smacked him in the face.
Naruto opened his mouth. Then closed it. Then opened it again. Then a few more fish impressions and several choking and sputtering noises later, he finally pointed a shaky figure at the novel and blurted, “Is that porn?!”
“Hey brat, show some respect! Do Me is a best-selling erotic novel,” Jiraiya snapped.
Naruto’s jaw nearly fell off its hinges. Erotic novel? He jumped up, pointing accusing index finger at Jiraiya.
“It is porn! You… you’re a pervert!” Naruto’s hands flew up and he gripped his hair in incredulity. “Ah! Why would they even hire a pervert like you?!”
“Aha! I was just kidding, of course! It’s just a book I brought to aid in my teaching,” Jiraiya claimed, even though his face was beginning to pale in a way that meant he was most likely going into internal panic mode.
“Are you even allowed to have that here?” A squeaky-voiced kid in the back of the room interrupted.
“Of course I am!”
“I thought they said porn wasn’t allowed,” another boy interjected.
“It’s not porn!”
“You just said it was an ‘erotic novel,’” Shikamaru pointed out with an aggravated sigh.
“I was joking!”
“How is that religious?” Chouji echoed.
“I bet they mention God plenty,” Shikamaru retorted with an amused smirk as he lounged lazily in his seat.
“Well, if the main dude is anything like me then it’d be a religious experience,” A boy with shaggy brown hair and two bright red, fang-shaped cheek tattoos said as he put his hands behind his head and stretched out his legs, crossing them at the ankles.
“Yes, it’d turn the girl into a nun,” the pale, dark haired boy that Naruto recognized from lunch added with a mocking smile.
The rest of the class burst out laughing while the tattooed boy looked like he was about to pummel the other guy. Suddenly, Jiraiya interrupted any possible brawls by grabbing the book and slamming it in the garbage can. He stared down at it longingly for a moment before turning around and facing the class.
“There! Now the next person that says anything about my approved, not to mention completely censored, version of Do Me gets a first class flight out of here courtesy of my foot kicking their as-“ he stopped in mid-curse, closing his eyes and pitching the bridge of his nose in exasperation. ”I mean, rear. Got it?”
“Bullshit!” Someone in the back coughed in their hand, making some of the class chuckle and Jiraiya grunt in annoyance.
“Alright! Now all of you sit down and shut up.” He picked up a ruler, held it behind his back, and began to pace in the front of the room like a drill sergeant.
“My name is Jiraiya, and I’ll be your False Image and Loveology instructor. Now, you all may be asking yourselves, ‘What’s the point of this class?’ Well men, I’m here to help put some hair back on your chests!” Jiraiya laughed boisterously at all of the confused glances everyone was shooting him.
“No, not literally, of course! But over the next few weeks I’ll be teaching you how to walk, talk, sit, and act like a real man, helping you to regain some of your masculinity.”
Naruto was momentarily offended that Jiraiya had just implied none of them were ‘real men,’ but he couldn’t help but notice that the way Jiraiya had spoken had sounded too rehearsed to Naruto, like a bad actor reading a monologue from a script he didn’t understand.
Jiraiya whirled around, his whole attitude suddenly changed as he grinned at them, his eyes twinkling merrily. “And teach you my specialty-how to love the ladies,” he added with a humorous wink.
He dashed up to the large, new-looking dry erase board that the camp used to replace black boards and grabbed a string, yanking it down to unroll an oversized picture of a scantily clad woman. He stared at it as a few people shifted uncomfortably in their squeaky seats and Naruto wondered if the man forgot where he was. Jiraiya cleared his throat and snapped out of his trance, continuing as normal.
“A woman’s body is truly a thing of beauty. Notice the soft curves and delicate features,” he said as he traced the woman’s hourglass curves with the end of his ruler.
The shaggy-haired boy with the tattoos let out a loud wolf-whistle.
Jiraiya pointed the ruler and beamed at him. “Ah, see, now there’s someone that appreciates a woman’s body!”
The boy gave him a wolfish grin, exposing his abnormally long canines. “I sure do, sir!”
“Good, good!” Jiraiya nodded approvingly. “Now that’s what I like to see!”
“There’s more than just physical attraction, sir!” Lee piped in.
“Why of course there is m’boy! Everyone knows that a woman’s the one that brings the love into a relationship,” he said as he itched his nose again and then absentmindedly scratched his chin, looking like he wanted to cover his mouth up.
The room fell silent, and Naruto’s stomach felt like it had just slide down into his shoes.
“So, you’re saying there has to be a woman involved for it to be considered loving?” Shikamaru gave a sardonic smirk, “Then I guess a relationship between two women is twice as loving as one between a man and a woman.”
“Yes, exactly!” Jiraiya gave him a quick thumbs-up of approval before snapping back to his senses and shaking his head and hand, “Er, wait, no, that’s not what I meant!”
The class erupted into laughter as Jiraiya pinched the bridge of his nose again in frustration. “Let’s just move on, shall we?”
Naruto tried to stifle his laughter. The whole class felt bizarre to him; it was almost like having an atheist as a Sunday school teacher. The only thing Jiraiya seemed even remotely interested in talking about were babes. Well, at least now Naruto knew why the teacher called the class Babeology One-Oh-One.
“Now, while it’s important that all of you learn to love a woman and a woman’s body, it’s also important not to look or act like one,” he said in the same joking tone he used when he called Tsunade flat-chested as he paced to and fro.
He paused in his strides and lightly slapped his ruler against the knee of someone in the front row with their legs crossed.
“Uncross those legs, son.”
*****
Sasuke sat in the back of the room, his elbows propped up on the desk and long fingers laced together in front of his mouth. For once in his life he wasn’t paying attention to what his instructor was drooling over, instead finding it more appealing to have a staring contest with the dry erase board.
Besides, there was only one woman he was interested in, and that was miss Nicky Tine.
He resisted the urge to roll his eyes as Naruto began overreacting again, shouting in bewilderment at Jiraiya and calling the old man a pervert. Sasuke didn’t see what was so astonishing about the whole thing.
Schools hired pedophiles, so it made sense that a camp for sexual deviants would eventually hire a pervert without even knowing it.
He scowled in disgust as Jiraiya ignored Naruto and put up another visual aid, continuing with his lecherous lecture and not skipping on the ribald language. He trailed off frequently to stare at the pictures for an awkwardly long amount of time before turning back to the class and picking up where he left off, as if nothing had happened.
This class was a joke. No, scratch that, this camp was a joke. The whole camp just seemed like a giant sham to Sasuke, like the TV evangelists who claimed you were only able to go to heaven if you called in with your credit card number and were willing to pay the price.
He bet the counselors didn’t even have licenses for the psychotherapy they were trying to perform.
The counselor’s words still burned in his mind from group therapy, when she’d pulled him aside after scolding Naruto in front of the boy’s parents. At first she’d said the typical things Sasuke had planned to hear, like “I understand” and “I know this is hard, but it’s for the best.” But he definitely hadn’t expected her to blame his sexuality on his father’s role in his life, or rather, lack of role.
He had to bite his lip to keep from lashing out at her as she’d continued to describe it in a way that had made Sasuke sound like damaged goods; like he was weak. Usually the mere thought of being weak enraged him, but Sasuke’s chest had felt as empty as his growling stomach as she had went on to explain that she believed that homosexual desires were caused by trauma early on in life.
And he nearly bit his lip clean off when she’d asked about his mother.
Then he’d went off and did what he always did-smoked. Smoked until his eyes watered from it; until he was able to convince himself that the way his hands shook, his eyes burned, and his throat ached was only because of all the cigarettes.
He hated not being in control, not knowing what to do or how to squash the feelings he’d been able to keep carefully submerged up until now. Part of him knew that what the woman had said was ludicrous, and yet there was something to her words that rang so true it made him ache.
After all, it had already felt like his father had abandoned him long before he’d dumped him on the camp.
This was just his father’s way of sweeping him under the rug with the rest of the dirt, like the broken pieces of an expensive vase. They hadn’t always been this affluent, but his father, Fugaku, had apparently learned that it was always simpler to throw money at his problems than fix them himself.
He never hid his rancorous feelings towards the church and religion, but he saw Sasuke as a possession, and Fugaku cared more about his possessions than his principles. To him, the camp was probably nothing more than a repair shop.
Still, Sasuke couldn’t help but feel like a sheep in wolf’s clothing among all of the Bibles, prayers, and gospel songs. He always had trouble handling fake things.
After all, it was easy for him to hate lies when he was forced to live one.
He supposed he could always go off and take it out on a tree somewhere; beating his fists against the ruff bark until the ache and pain was in his hands rather than his chest.
Or he could always just take it out on Naruto. He smirked.
Punching Naruto had proved to be just as good of a way to release tension as kissing him, but he sure as hell wasn’t expecting Naruto to react the way he had. The boy was unpredictable; even though he was like a walking exclamation mark. He was loud, obnoxious, and seemed like the type of guy that would think that thesaurus was actually the name of a dinosaur.
And yet, there was something that pulled Sasuke to him, a sort of tugging sensation in the Uchiha’s chest that he couldn’t explain or understand.
When Sasuke first arrived, he’d remained cool and collected on the outside, while in reality he’d still wondered if he was asexual or not. Then Naruto had literally stumbled into Sasuke’s life with his big full-on smile and wide azure eyes that betrayed just how hurt and scared he was, and Sasuke had found himself questioning things again.
He’d pressed up against Naruto, just wanting to prove, at least to himself, that these feelings weren’t something he could help, wasn’t something he could change. It had seemed perfectly logical at the time, which raised the question… what the hell had he been smoking to make him think that?
Someone must’ve laced his cigarettes with something when he wasn’t looking.
He’d asked himself over and over since their first encounter what the fuck made him act so fast? Was it just his body working off the nicotine buzz without consulting his mind first that had caused his lapse in reason, and what made him chose Naruto of all people?
That night, just before Naruto decided to initiate that sloppy excuse for a make out, he’d gotten his answer. It was those eyes. He knew those eyes. He would have to be blind not to see the shadows in Naruto’s eyes. After all…
They were one of the reasons why he couldn’t stand to look at himself in the mirror anymore.
Even though Naruto had the brain of a chimp, what he said on the porch when they were skipping group had been so accidentally profound that Sasuke had to wonder if it had been the same person.
And for some unexplainable reason, whenever he was around the boy the tightness in his chest and stomach started to unravel like a ball of yarn. Naruto was… infectious. And that label was fitting, since there was nothing more appropriate to compare him to than a transmissible disease.
But like his other addiction, it left a strange taste in his mouth that somehow left him wanting and craving more.
At first he thought he was just another idiot that wasn’t worth his time, but maybe there was more to Naruto than he originally thought. After all, it was like that one saying: don’t judge a book by its cover.
Suddenly a loud thud and crash sounded from the front of the room as Naruto attempted to sit with his legs crossed in the “proper” way Jiraiya was demonstrating, losing his balancing and sending both him and his conjoined chair and desk crashing to the floor.
…Or maybe he was just an idiot.
‘Nicky Tine’ is nicotine, for those of you that are like me and miss bad puns. :’D While Loveology (and Babeology xD) isn’t a real class, the idea of Gender Role Therapy and False Image workshop is indeed real.
And say what? The novel wasn’t Come Come Paradise? Nope! Don’t worry, you’ll find out the reason behind it later. Also, in case you’re wondering, I went to erotica section in the book store and Do Me and Man-Handled were the two most obvious names that made me laugh the most so yes, Do Me is a real novel. I know all of you probably have questions about Tsunade and Jiraiya (and his “OOCness”), but don’t worry! You’ll find out more about them later, so for now all I can say is look at the context clues!
Also, drunk!Bike decided to add to the fic; so this is her contribution:
SHANANANANA HEY HEY
BEAT YOUR MEAT LIKE IT OWES YOU MONEYYYY
Chapter: [ 1], [ 2], [ 3], [ 4], [ 5], [6], [ 7]
Rating: M
Genre: Drama, Romance, Angst, with a dash of Humour
Pairings: SasuNaru / NaruSasu, some ShikaChouji, SakuIno, GaaNejiGaa
Summary: After coming out of the closet, Naruto’s parents decide to send him to a conversion therapy camp. But things get even more complicated once he finds himself obsessing over a misanthropic chain-smoker from an unusual family. Now it's up to him to discover himself, his sexuality, and where his convictions really lie. AU.
A/N: I FINALLY got around to tweaking the summary, so say good-bye to the lulzy one that I wrote while drunk! Anyway, sorry it took so long to pop this baby out! I’ve been swamped, but my work load is finally lighter (I hope ;_;).
After Naruto had waddled back to his cabin in a significantly penguin-like fashion (thanks to the notebook that’d slipped farther and farther down his crotch every time he’d tried to take a normal a step), ditched the journal in the classic under-the-mattress hiding place, and snuck back to the cafeteria before anyone could notice that he was still prancing around without an escort, he’d managed to stumble into the cafeteria ten minutes before lunch officially began.
Then he saw what Iruka had meant about the cafeteria.
Even though Naruto had been early, he’d still waited in line so long that by the time he had finally gotten to order his food they were out of pudding cups and he’d been forced to settle with a particularly soggy, mushy looking fruit cup.
But if he’d thought the line before had been long though, then the one now was just ridiculous. It was longer than your average theme-park-Disney-extravaganza-ride line for crying out loud! It started at one wall and then stretched clear across the room and dragged on past the exit. Now that he actually had his food, he couldn’t understand why people were willing to wait so long for it.
Naruto stared at the mashed potatoes in front of him-or at least, what the hairnet wearing staff member sporting an abnormally large hairy mole had claimed was mashed potatoes. Part of him was still expecting the grayish blob to sprout legs and make a run for it.
He made a face of disgust when someone bumped the table and it actually jiggled. Were mashed potatoes even supposed to jiggle? Maybe they’d accidentally given him ash flavored jell-o instead.
One thing was for sure though, the chefs were definitely not on their A game. Which was strange, considering how just three days ago the food had actually been satisfactory.
He gawked at it more, as if he expected it to morph into ramen if he concentrated hard enough. In a brief fit of insanity he actually considered trying it, but decided (after a quick discussion with his intestines) not to touch the offending blob for fear that he might provoke it.
The thing might’ve had teeth! Sharp teeth, that liked the taste of tan teenage boys whose names rhymed with ‘Faruto’.
All the blood drained from his face as he pictured the blob launching off his plate and latching onto him like a face-sucking alien. Quickly picking it off his tray and dropping it with a clatter on a the wooden table, he shoved the plate holding the goo hard enough for it slide a good ten feet away from him.
It wobbled ominously. He shuddered.
With thoughts of ‘better safe than sorry,’ he picked up his fork and listened to a table of people sitting behind him attempt uncomfortable small talk in hushed voices.
Looking around, he belatedly noticed that he was sitting at the only table without a counselor. Come to think of it, he was the only one sitting alone; all the other tables had at least three or four people.
He frowned down at his macaroni, his blond hair dangling in front of his eyes. Without anything to distract him, he realized just how eerily quiet the cold, high-ceiling room was for a cafeteria.
Even though people brushed past him and began to fill surrounding tables, it still just felt so… empty.
Not to mention the awkward first-day-of-camp vibe from before had faded into something much more unsettling. There was an almost unbearable amount of tension wafting through the air. It almost made Naruto wish everyone they had duct tape plastered back over their mouths.
At least then there’d be an excuse for the silence.
He clenched his fist around the fork, gripping the utensil hard enough for the sides of the metal handle to leave indentions on his palm, trying to ignore the loneliness that was continuously tap-tap-taping on his shoulder like an impatient child demanding attention.
Shifting his gaze up at lunch line, his eyes scanned the slew of people all packed tightly one after the other like a row of dominos. He couldn’t help but break out in a smile when he noticed Sasuke standing in the back of the line with his arms crossed. But wait… his lips were moving. Was he actually chatting with someone?
Naruto’s smile dropped along with his stomach when he saw just whom Sasuke was talking to. The pretty boy from group. Neji.
His stomach churned as his mind managed to edit out the fact that Sasuke was glaring hostilely at the boy, as Sasuke’s shoulders bounced a few times to what Naruto assumed were chuckles.
He almost swore he felt… jealous.
His gut tightened again when a smirk crossed Sasuke’s face, his mind translating the look of arrogance into one of amusement. He growled to himself as he used his fork to stab his macaroni and cheese a little more aggressively than was necessary. He wasn’t jealous.
What did he have to be jealous of anyway? It wasn’t like Sasuke was his boyfriend or anything… right?
He shook his head vigorously at that. No, of course not! So what if they fooled around every once in a while? Sasuke obviously needed it, since it was clear that the boy had no idea how to release tension in healthy, normal ways, and Naruto sure as hell wasn’t complaining about the impromptu make-out sessions.
Still… he knew it was selfish, especially since he hardly knew anything about the boy, but just… Sasuke was the first person to talk to him after being ostracized and was the only one in the camp he considered not just an ally, but also a friend; and part of him just wanted Sasuke to himself. He looked down at his fruit cup dejectedly. It was foolish, but when he stared at Sasuke smirking at Neji like that…
He couldn’t help but feel like the leftover fruit cup when they were all out of pudding snacks.
He started slightly when the familiar sound of a plastic clacking against wood came from beside him. He looked up to see a boy with choppy short black hair that looked remarkably like Sasuke sit down beside him.
The black-haired boy gave him a stiff smile and his mouth parted as if he wanted to say something. Before he could begin to speak though, the mysterious smile snapped back into a blank, stony expression as the boy turned to his tray and began to eat. Naruto arched an eyebrow, but before he could ask what the guy wanted someone walked up in front of him.
“E-excuse me… m-mind if I s-sit d-down?” A young pale counselor stuttered, clutching her red cafeteria tray hard enough to turn her already pale knuckles even whiter in an attempt to stop it from shaking.
“Yeah, of course! I’m Naruto,” he replied enthusiastically, giving her one of his trademark grins.
“H-Hinata,” she answered, responding to his grin with a furious blush as she gently set her tray down and sat on the bench across from him.
She squeaked when their shins bumps together under the table and whispered apologies from underneath her thick bangs as she quickly jerked her legs back. He could tell he was flustering her as she fumbled with her milk carton, but he couldn’t help but stare. There was something so familiar about her, something he couldn’t quite put his finger on it.
He shrugged it off and shoveled more of macaroni and cheese into his mouth as he searched out Sasuke and Neji again. The moment he located them, it finally dawned on him. He whipped around and attempted to ask her a question, only to have it be muffled by his mouthful of food.
“I’m sorry, c-could you p-please repeat that?” She asked politely as she tucked a strand of long dark hair behind her ear.
He struggled to swallow when he realized she probably have a better time understanding him if his tongue had been sewn to his bottom lip. Naruto tried again, this time making sure his mouth wasn’t stuffed.
“You look an awful lot like that Neji guy, are you two related?”
She fiddled with her hands, pressing the tips of her index fingers together and watching them in an attempt to avoid eye contact.
“Um… we’re c-cousins,” she answered in a small, shy voice that Naruto recognized as the one that had muttered soothing words to him after the woman on stage had railed at him on the first day. He grinned at her, glad to finally be able to put a face to the voice.
“Ah, really? You guys look like you could be twins!” Naruto exclaimed, looking back and forth between the two, his ill feelings towards Neji immediately forgotten.
“What’s it like working here while your cousin’s here? That’s gotta be weird,” he paused for a moment before quickly adding, “uh, if you don’t mind me asking, that is…” He gave her sheepish grin as he rubbed the back of his head nervously.
“T-that’s actually why I’m here…” She said meekly.
“Huh?” Naruto said lamely, watching as she wound and unwound a loose thread at the bottom of her gray polo shirt around her finger anxiously.
He didn’t understand. Why would anyone be willing sign up for front row seats to a loved one’s humiliation? Hinata didn’t seem the least bit judgmental or sadistic, and it couldn’t have been easy to try to ‘cure’ someone you knew, let alone your own family.
At least, wasn’t that why they were shipped off to this place, anyway? Because their families didn’t know how to, or even want to, deal with it-with them?
He waited patiently for her to elaborate as several conflicting emotions flickered in her pale eyes. She gathered her thoughts and looking resolute, she opened her mouth to speak.
“I…“ the loud speaker clicked on, drowning out her next words as it announced that lunch was ending and for everyone to report to their False Image workshop.
“I have to go!” She squeaked, jumping up faster than a cat on a hot tin roof and then scuttling into the crowd, heading for the exit.
Naruto frowned as he watched her retreating back, utterly confused. First of all, what the hell was a False Image workshop?
And what did she mean by that?
*****
Naruto walked alongside the swarm of people, but once he spotted the small wooden building they were slowly beginning to gather around up ahead he let himself lag behind. He still wasn’t completely sure what a False Image workshop was supposed to be, though.
He paused, his thoughts and body halting as he saw something curious in the trees out of the corner of his eyes. Turning towards the woods, he moved a few steps closer, attempting to locate it again through the thicket.
Buried behind the full maple trees and mantled in the darkness of their shade sat a building. But while the camp’s other buildings were constructed out of unpainted wood that helped them blend into the natural environment, this one was an entirely white, cubed-shaped cement structure that appeared oddly out of place.
Not mention all of the other buildings except for the worship center looked worn, and cracked and creaked like they’d been around for years while the white monster in front of him appeared to be brand spankin’ new.
The way that the trees loomed over it, their leafy branches drinking up the sunlight and blocking it from view, made it almost seem like the camp was trying to hide the building. It was hard to make out very many details from where Naruto stood, but there appeared to be a single white door with something that looked like a keypad next to it, and several little windows located only on the sides of the building.
Apprehension coated the inside of his stomach, and he couldn’t help the chills that shimmied down his spine.
He almost swore he saw metal fence-like bars on the windows.
A twig snapped behind him and he spun around in panic, only to see a squirrel scurry under the porch of one of the wooden buildings in the distance. He laughed at himself as he used the sleeve of his orange t-shirt to wipe the sweat off his brow. He was being paranoid.
The queasy feeling was probably just indigestion. After all, he had just choked down the camp’s gluey macaroni not ten minutes ago.
“You there!” A plump counselor stormed over, her cherubic face flushed red from the heat.
“Quit your dilly dallying!” She hollered as she grabbed Naruto’s right bicep and yanked him harshly towards the rest of the group, not even bothering to hide her irritation beneath a cheery smile.
Naruto was stunned. The women was almost the polar opposite of all the other counselors he’d met so far who-although they angered him sometimes-at least seemed like they honestly wanted to help in their own way. But he remembered everyone had their bad days and some people were just naturally cranky, and he briefly felt guilty for lumping the camp staff all together.
“Let go!” Naruto bit out defiantly once he snapped out of his stupor.
After his outburst, she all but dragged him over to the building where the rest of the group was scattered, obviously fed up with trying to round up all the stragglers. Naruto struggled harder, his stubborn streak ignoring the little voice in his head warning him to stop.
He planted his feet in the ground and leaning back, using gravity to his advantage, he pulled back with all his might-right at the exact moment she decided to let go of his arm. Before he could even blink, his body flung back and collided with the blur of red standing behind him.
The counselor just made an exasperated noise and waddled off to fetch the rest of the absent bodies as Naruto laid there, stunned and aching from the crash. He scrambled to get up and off the person that he’d just involuntarily used as a cushion, apologies already collecting in his mouth.
He stood, quickly turning around, smiling apologetically, and extending his hand out to offer the other person a hand up. He froze.
Angry aqua eyes looked up at him from underneath a mop of hair just as fiery as its owner’s temper. Naruto mentally cursed the impolite woman in every language he could think of. Gaara stared at the tan hand in front of him, and Naruto tried not to flinch in surprise when Gaara grasped it and easily hoisted himself up.
“Heh, sorry ‘bout that.” Naruto chuckled, releasing Gaara’s hand.
Gaara merely brushed his pants off and walked over to the front of the building, a good distance away from crowd so only the faint murmurs of conversation was heard. He crossed his arms and glared silently down at the dirt.
Naruto belatedly noticed that the black stain around Gaara’s eyes had grown fainter since their group session, even though traces of black still clung stubbornly to the roots of his light eyelashes. How much eyeliner had the boy been wearing before?
The skin around his eyes was red while the eyes themselves appeared bloodshot. He kept blinking rapidly and Naruto bet that they probably stun. Naruto angrily wondered if the camp would resort to using paint thinner to try and get the make-up off.
“I’m Naruto,” he offered, hoping to both cheer up the poor guy and get back on his good side.
Gaara remained silent, leaning back against the wall. Naruto was beginning to wonder which one he was talking to: Gaara, or the hunk of wood behind him.
“Um, we’re in the same group therapy.”
“I know,” Gaara finally responded in a voice like liquid ice and shifted his intense glare from the ground to Naruto.
Naruto swallowed hard, guessing the red head was still upset about the whole slamming into him and nearly crushing him thing. Gaara was glaring so heatedly at him that he was surprised his pants didn’t suddenly light on fire. He gulped again.
God would have mercy, but Gaara Sabaku wouldn’t.
Naruto’s nerves began to tie knots in his stomach when Gaara’s gaze stayed on him. Just as he thought about looking away, he stopped himself. Now that Gaara was staring directly at him, he was able to see that the darkness underneath Gaara’s eyes was a different shade than the eyeliner residue on his top lid and were puffy from lack of sleep. The red head didn’t look malicious; he just looked exhausted.
Suddenly, Gaara didn’t seem so scary anymore.
Naruto knew what it was like to have so many different thoughts and emotions twisting inside him that it kept him awake at night. His eyes softened and he smiled warmly at Gaara, taking a few steps closer as he found himself wanting to know more about the boy.
“What does your tattoo mean?” Naruto asked, keeping eye contact and figuring it was the best place to start.
Gaara stayed silent for a while. He appeared to be looking Naruto over, sizing him up before deciding whether or not he was worth answering.
“Love,” Gaara said, neither encouraging Naruto’s friendliness nor dissuading him.
“Why love?”
Gaara uncrossed his arms and headed in Naruto’s direction, stopping when they were standing nearly shoulder-to-shoulder. “It’s what I wanted.” He brushed past Naruto and into the small crowd.
To anyone else, it might’ve seemed like Garaa was just giving him a simple direct, clear-cut answer to get Naruto to stop talking to him.
But Naruto didn’t think Gaara was just talking about his tattoo anymore.
Naruto turned and waded through the crowd, trying to search out familiar faces in the sea of confusion. He stopped when he reached the other side of the building, just in time to see a familiar form stroll behind it. Looking around quickly to make sure none of the counselors were around to haul him back over with the group again, he peeked around the corner.
Naruto got a bad case of déjà vu when his eyes locked on Sasuke’s back, the boy once again off smoking by himself against the wooden wall and looking stiffer than a corpse with Rigamortis. Naruto almost laughed aloud when he noticed that Sasuke must’ve snuck off at some point and reapplied his hair gel, the back of it sticking up every which way.
His hair was back to being just as prickly as he was.
For a moment Naruto wondered if the smoke was coming from the cigarette or if it was really Sasuke’s anger rising off of his rigid form. Then again, Sasuke always seemed like he was agitated; like maybe all that hair gel was starting to seep into his brain.
Or maybe he just had a bad case of hemorrhoids.
Sasuke’s ink-colored eyes were glued to the evanescent curls of smoke polluting the air in front of him, and a mischievous, foxy grin crossed Naruto’s face when he noticed that Sasuke hadn’t even realized he was there yet. Slowly and silently, Naruto crept up directly behind the other boy.
Putting his mouth up to Sasuke’s ear, he yelled, “HEY SASUKE!“
Sasuke spun around, socked him in the jaw, and went right back to sucking on his cigarette. Naruto fell back and landed on his ass for the second time that day, his mind taking a moment to catch up with the rest of his body.
Naruto mentally laughed at how much he must’ve frightened the poor bastard to make him actually punch Naruto. He grinned and opened his mouth to comment on it, but his stomach beat him to it as it growled loudly.
“Man, what I wouldn’t give for some ramen right about now…” He whined, holding his stomach.
Sasuke just stood there, cigarette paused mid-way to his lips, and stared at Naruto like the blond had pressed his face up against the microwave one too many times.
“What?” Naruto asked, leaping up and brushing the dirt off the seat of his pants.
Sasuke just shook his head and brought his cigarette the rest of way to his lips. “You’re an idiot.”
“Oi! Don’t call me that, you bastard!” Naruto snapped, glaring up at the spikes protruding from back of Sasuke’s head yet again. “And you still haven’t apologized for hitting me yet. I know my awesome ninja super stealth scared the crap out of you, but you should at least say you’re sorry!” He said sourly as he gingerly touched his throbbing, aching jaw.
“Hn,” Sasuke grunted, exhaling another long cloud of smoke. “I knew you were there.”
Naruto gaped for a second before rudely shoving his finger right in Sasuke’s face. “Bullshit! If you knew I was there, then why the hell did you hit me?”
“You’re loud, idiot,” Sasuke drawled as he flicked his cigarette onto a nearby patch of dirt.
Naruto sputtered in indignation, the resentment he felt towards the other boy in the cafeteria once again resurfacing. Letting out what sounded like a war cry, he tactlessly lunged at Sasuke, fists flying, and attempted to strike him back. Sasuke didn’t even look like he was trying as he agilely dipped and dodged out of the way of the reckless punches.
“Hold still, damnit!” Naruto growled as Sasuke caught a punch aimed for his face.
“Why? You’ll only embarrass yourself more when you miss me,” Sasuke replied with a challenging smirk.
“You stink!” Naruto cried in frustration, still swinging wildly.
“I stink? What are you, five?” Sasuke said, his usually velvety smooth voice sounding slightly scratchy from all the cigarettes.
“Well it makes sense, since you’re an asshole!”
“Um, guys?” They both looked up at the interruption, only to find Chouji’s head poking around the corner, “I think we’re supposed to go in now.”
Naruto snapped his usual grin into place as he raised his arm above his head and waved at Chouji, “Alright, thanks!” He called out just as the boy’s head disappeared back around the corner. Suddenly, he whirled back around, his fist finally smashing into Sasuke’s stomach. He’d have to remember to thank Chouji for the distraction later.
“Now we’re even!” He exclaimed with a triumphant grin as Sasuke doubled-over and fought to get back the breath that had been knocked out of him.
Naruto darted around the corner, feeling much lighter than he had before. All the bitter feelings that he hadn’t even realized he’d kept pent up inside him had lifted; along with the confusing, jumbled emotions he’d felt when he saw Sasuke with Neji.
He’d have to hit Sasuke more often if it felt that good.
His blue converses kicked up dirt as he jogged back over to the group of now exclusively male campers, and he noticed there was an older looking man with long tousled white hair standing next the wooden door. A woman with hilariously large breasts and blonde hair pulled back into two long, low ponytails began to approach the man just as he turned towards the door and shoved it open none too gently.
As the boys in front of Naruto began walking inside the building, the man placed his hands on his hips and took a deep breath in through his nostrils, letting it out with a loud sigh.
“I smell homosexuality!” He exclaimed.
“Got your head up your ass again, Jiraiya?” The woman smirked as she crossed her arms over her ample chest. Naruto got a whiff of an unexpected odor that made his eyes widen in surprise as he passed her and entered the building.
Either the woman used gasoline as perfume or she’d been drinking.
He hurried into what appeared to be another, though much larger, classroom. Jumping into the seat nearest to the door, he hunched over the desk in front of him, positioning himself so he could both see and hear the exchange through the passing people.
“What are you doing here, Tsunade? This is man territory!” Jiraiya replied with teasing grin, pounding his fist against his broad chest a few times in a ‘me man, me strong’ sort of way.
“Oh? Then why are you here?” She said as she raised an eyebrow in amusement.
“Ha! I guess a flat-chested old hag like you wouldn’t know a real man when you saw one,” he said. His voice was light and teasing though, like it was just two old friends poking fun at each other for laughs.
She smirked. “If you’re talking about yourself, then I pity anything born with a Y chromosome.”
“What do you want? Can’t you see I have young minds to mold?” He grunted as he gruffly crossed his arms.
“I’m just here to remind you not to get too carried away on your perverted lessons,” she teased.
He snorted. “Oh? What about you? Been sucking back the Jesus juice already, I see. And without me, why Tsunade, I’m crushed!” He clutched his chest in mock hurt.
Tsunade yanked Jiraiya down into a crushing headlock. “Keep it down!” She hissed. Naruto worried that her boobs were smothering the man and he didn’t look too comfortable; but on the other hand, he didn’t seem particularly displeased by it, either.
She released him and straightened out her wrap dress. “I just needed something to help calm my nerves,” she said in a near whisper.
The look on Jiraiya’s face softened into something much more sympathetic as he nodded in understanding. “I know what you mean.”
“Be careful, and ju…” she stopped to clear her throat while closing he eyes, turning her head away and strengthening her posture before once again facing him, her face steeled, “just remember why we’re here.”
“How could I not?” He said, his voice sounding far off as he stared out towards the woods.
She began to leave but stopped and turned towards him again, a small smirk playing on her lips as she asked something that Naruto had been wondering about even since he first saw Jiraiya, “By the way, how did you convince them to let you keep your hair? They seemed pretty adamant about you cutting it short, last I heard.”
Jiraiya gave her a wry grin. “I just told them that if Jesus was able to have long hair, then I should be able to, too.”
Tsunade raised an eyebrow. “And that actually worked?”
He snorted. “Not a chance! Either I hack it off by tomorrow or they’re replacing my ass.” Even though he was still grinning, there was a somber look in his eyes as he watched the boys shuffling into his class for a moment before glancing back at Tsunade.
She gave out a few chuckles, even though her half-smile didn’t quite reach her eyes. “I see. We’ll talk more after class.”
“Hey, Tsunade,” he called after her just before she could turn around again, “stop worrying so much, it’ll give you wrinkles.” He gave her a reassuring smile and placed a bulky hand on her shoulder. “You’ll do fine.”
There was still worry in her eyes, but Tsunade gave him grateful smile and nod before walking over to the building that the girls were currently entering next door. Jiraiya turned back to the boys, clapping his hands together a few times.
“Come on! I’ve seen tectonic plates move faster!”
“What is this?” Chouji asked curiously as he passed Jiraiya and looked around the classroom.
“It appears to be some form of Homosexuals Anonymous,” Neji observed from behind him, and Naruto was a little unnerved that he couldn’t tell whether the boy was joking or not.
“Now, now, we’re supposed to call it Loveology,” Jiraiya paused for a second before adding, “of course, I like to think of it more as Babeology One-Oh-One,” he mused with a lewd grin.
Naruto’s brows knitted in confusion. Babeology One-Oh-One? He looked around the room, trying to find clues as to what exactly they would be doing for the class and what the hell Loveology or Babeology was. When his eyes landed on an orange book sitting peacefully on top of Jiraiya’s desk with everything but its spine covered in a mountain of paperwork, he got a strange, sneaking suspicion he’d seen it somewhere before.
Naruto leaned forward, squinting his eyes at it as if that would somehow enable him to zoom-in on the object as he loudly attempted to scoot his conjoined chair and desk closer to get a better look at it.
Wait a second… he knew that cover. It was the same one that peeked out from under his cabin leader’s so-called ‘Bible’.
His head suddenly snapped back, as if realization had literally just smacked him in the face.
Naruto opened his mouth. Then closed it. Then opened it again. Then a few more fish impressions and several choking and sputtering noises later, he finally pointed a shaky figure at the novel and blurted, “Is that porn?!”
“Hey brat, show some respect! Do Me is a best-selling erotic novel,” Jiraiya snapped.
Naruto’s jaw nearly fell off its hinges. Erotic novel? He jumped up, pointing accusing index finger at Jiraiya.
“It is porn! You… you’re a pervert!” Naruto’s hands flew up and he gripped his hair in incredulity. “Ah! Why would they even hire a pervert like you?!”
“Aha! I was just kidding, of course! It’s just a book I brought to aid in my teaching,” Jiraiya claimed, even though his face was beginning to pale in a way that meant he was most likely going into internal panic mode.
“Are you even allowed to have that here?” A squeaky-voiced kid in the back of the room interrupted.
“Of course I am!”
“I thought they said porn wasn’t allowed,” another boy interjected.
“It’s not porn!”
“You just said it was an ‘erotic novel,’” Shikamaru pointed out with an aggravated sigh.
“I was joking!”
“How is that religious?” Chouji echoed.
“I bet they mention God plenty,” Shikamaru retorted with an amused smirk as he lounged lazily in his seat.
“Well, if the main dude is anything like me then it’d be a religious experience,” A boy with shaggy brown hair and two bright red, fang-shaped cheek tattoos said as he put his hands behind his head and stretched out his legs, crossing them at the ankles.
“Yes, it’d turn the girl into a nun,” the pale, dark haired boy that Naruto recognized from lunch added with a mocking smile.
The rest of the class burst out laughing while the tattooed boy looked like he was about to pummel the other guy. Suddenly, Jiraiya interrupted any possible brawls by grabbing the book and slamming it in the garbage can. He stared down at it longingly for a moment before turning around and facing the class.
“There! Now the next person that says anything about my approved, not to mention completely censored, version of Do Me gets a first class flight out of here courtesy of my foot kicking their as-“ he stopped in mid-curse, closing his eyes and pitching the bridge of his nose in exasperation. ”I mean, rear. Got it?”
“Bullshit!” Someone in the back coughed in their hand, making some of the class chuckle and Jiraiya grunt in annoyance.
“Alright! Now all of you sit down and shut up.” He picked up a ruler, held it behind his back, and began to pace in the front of the room like a drill sergeant.
“My name is Jiraiya, and I’ll be your False Image and Loveology instructor. Now, you all may be asking yourselves, ‘What’s the point of this class?’ Well men, I’m here to help put some hair back on your chests!” Jiraiya laughed boisterously at all of the confused glances everyone was shooting him.
“No, not literally, of course! But over the next few weeks I’ll be teaching you how to walk, talk, sit, and act like a real man, helping you to regain some of your masculinity.”
Naruto was momentarily offended that Jiraiya had just implied none of them were ‘real men,’ but he couldn’t help but notice that the way Jiraiya had spoken had sounded too rehearsed to Naruto, like a bad actor reading a monologue from a script he didn’t understand.
Jiraiya whirled around, his whole attitude suddenly changed as he grinned at them, his eyes twinkling merrily. “And teach you my specialty-how to love the ladies,” he added with a humorous wink.
He dashed up to the large, new-looking dry erase board that the camp used to replace black boards and grabbed a string, yanking it down to unroll an oversized picture of a scantily clad woman. He stared at it as a few people shifted uncomfortably in their squeaky seats and Naruto wondered if the man forgot where he was. Jiraiya cleared his throat and snapped out of his trance, continuing as normal.
“A woman’s body is truly a thing of beauty. Notice the soft curves and delicate features,” he said as he traced the woman’s hourglass curves with the end of his ruler.
The shaggy-haired boy with the tattoos let out a loud wolf-whistle.
Jiraiya pointed the ruler and beamed at him. “Ah, see, now there’s someone that appreciates a woman’s body!”
The boy gave him a wolfish grin, exposing his abnormally long canines. “I sure do, sir!”
“Good, good!” Jiraiya nodded approvingly. “Now that’s what I like to see!”
“There’s more than just physical attraction, sir!” Lee piped in.
“Why of course there is m’boy! Everyone knows that a woman’s the one that brings the love into a relationship,” he said as he itched his nose again and then absentmindedly scratched his chin, looking like he wanted to cover his mouth up.
The room fell silent, and Naruto’s stomach felt like it had just slide down into his shoes.
“So, you’re saying there has to be a woman involved for it to be considered loving?” Shikamaru gave a sardonic smirk, “Then I guess a relationship between two women is twice as loving as one between a man and a woman.”
“Yes, exactly!” Jiraiya gave him a quick thumbs-up of approval before snapping back to his senses and shaking his head and hand, “Er, wait, no, that’s not what I meant!”
The class erupted into laughter as Jiraiya pinched the bridge of his nose again in frustration. “Let’s just move on, shall we?”
Naruto tried to stifle his laughter. The whole class felt bizarre to him; it was almost like having an atheist as a Sunday school teacher. The only thing Jiraiya seemed even remotely interested in talking about were babes. Well, at least now Naruto knew why the teacher called the class Babeology One-Oh-One.
“Now, while it’s important that all of you learn to love a woman and a woman’s body, it’s also important not to look or act like one,” he said in the same joking tone he used when he called Tsunade flat-chested as he paced to and fro.
He paused in his strides and lightly slapped his ruler against the knee of someone in the front row with their legs crossed.
“Uncross those legs, son.”
*****
Sasuke sat in the back of the room, his elbows propped up on the desk and long fingers laced together in front of his mouth. For once in his life he wasn’t paying attention to what his instructor was drooling over, instead finding it more appealing to have a staring contest with the dry erase board.
Besides, there was only one woman he was interested in, and that was miss Nicky Tine.
He resisted the urge to roll his eyes as Naruto began overreacting again, shouting in bewilderment at Jiraiya and calling the old man a pervert. Sasuke didn’t see what was so astonishing about the whole thing.
Schools hired pedophiles, so it made sense that a camp for sexual deviants would eventually hire a pervert without even knowing it.
He scowled in disgust as Jiraiya ignored Naruto and put up another visual aid, continuing with his lecherous lecture and not skipping on the ribald language. He trailed off frequently to stare at the pictures for an awkwardly long amount of time before turning back to the class and picking up where he left off, as if nothing had happened.
This class was a joke. No, scratch that, this camp was a joke. The whole camp just seemed like a giant sham to Sasuke, like the TV evangelists who claimed you were only able to go to heaven if you called in with your credit card number and were willing to pay the price.
He bet the counselors didn’t even have licenses for the psychotherapy they were trying to perform.
The counselor’s words still burned in his mind from group therapy, when she’d pulled him aside after scolding Naruto in front of the boy’s parents. At first she’d said the typical things Sasuke had planned to hear, like “I understand” and “I know this is hard, but it’s for the best.” But he definitely hadn’t expected her to blame his sexuality on his father’s role in his life, or rather, lack of role.
He had to bite his lip to keep from lashing out at her as she’d continued to describe it in a way that had made Sasuke sound like damaged goods; like he was weak. Usually the mere thought of being weak enraged him, but Sasuke’s chest had felt as empty as his growling stomach as she had went on to explain that she believed that homosexual desires were caused by trauma early on in life.
And he nearly bit his lip clean off when she’d asked about his mother.
Then he’d went off and did what he always did-smoked. Smoked until his eyes watered from it; until he was able to convince himself that the way his hands shook, his eyes burned, and his throat ached was only because of all the cigarettes.
He hated not being in control, not knowing what to do or how to squash the feelings he’d been able to keep carefully submerged up until now. Part of him knew that what the woman had said was ludicrous, and yet there was something to her words that rang so true it made him ache.
After all, it had already felt like his father had abandoned him long before he’d dumped him on the camp.
This was just his father’s way of sweeping him under the rug with the rest of the dirt, like the broken pieces of an expensive vase. They hadn’t always been this affluent, but his father, Fugaku, had apparently learned that it was always simpler to throw money at his problems than fix them himself.
He never hid his rancorous feelings towards the church and religion, but he saw Sasuke as a possession, and Fugaku cared more about his possessions than his principles. To him, the camp was probably nothing more than a repair shop.
Still, Sasuke couldn’t help but feel like a sheep in wolf’s clothing among all of the Bibles, prayers, and gospel songs. He always had trouble handling fake things.
After all, it was easy for him to hate lies when he was forced to live one.
He supposed he could always go off and take it out on a tree somewhere; beating his fists against the ruff bark until the ache and pain was in his hands rather than his chest.
Or he could always just take it out on Naruto. He smirked.
Punching Naruto had proved to be just as good of a way to release tension as kissing him, but he sure as hell wasn’t expecting Naruto to react the way he had. The boy was unpredictable; even though he was like a walking exclamation mark. He was loud, obnoxious, and seemed like the type of guy that would think that thesaurus was actually the name of a dinosaur.
And yet, there was something that pulled Sasuke to him, a sort of tugging sensation in the Uchiha’s chest that he couldn’t explain or understand.
When Sasuke first arrived, he’d remained cool and collected on the outside, while in reality he’d still wondered if he was asexual or not. Then Naruto had literally stumbled into Sasuke’s life with his big full-on smile and wide azure eyes that betrayed just how hurt and scared he was, and Sasuke had found himself questioning things again.
He’d pressed up against Naruto, just wanting to prove, at least to himself, that these feelings weren’t something he could help, wasn’t something he could change. It had seemed perfectly logical at the time, which raised the question… what the hell had he been smoking to make him think that?
Someone must’ve laced his cigarettes with something when he wasn’t looking.
He’d asked himself over and over since their first encounter what the fuck made him act so fast? Was it just his body working off the nicotine buzz without consulting his mind first that had caused his lapse in reason, and what made him chose Naruto of all people?
That night, just before Naruto decided to initiate that sloppy excuse for a make out, he’d gotten his answer. It was those eyes. He knew those eyes. He would have to be blind not to see the shadows in Naruto’s eyes. After all…
They were one of the reasons why he couldn’t stand to look at himself in the mirror anymore.
Even though Naruto had the brain of a chimp, what he said on the porch when they were skipping group had been so accidentally profound that Sasuke had to wonder if it had been the same person.
And for some unexplainable reason, whenever he was around the boy the tightness in his chest and stomach started to unravel like a ball of yarn. Naruto was… infectious. And that label was fitting, since there was nothing more appropriate to compare him to than a transmissible disease.
But like his other addiction, it left a strange taste in his mouth that somehow left him wanting and craving more.
At first he thought he was just another idiot that wasn’t worth his time, but maybe there was more to Naruto than he originally thought. After all, it was like that one saying: don’t judge a book by its cover.
Suddenly a loud thud and crash sounded from the front of the room as Naruto attempted to sit with his legs crossed in the “proper” way Jiraiya was demonstrating, losing his balancing and sending both him and his conjoined chair and desk crashing to the floor.
…Or maybe he was just an idiot.
‘Nicky Tine’ is nicotine, for those of you that are like me and miss bad puns. :’D While Loveology (and Babeology xD) isn’t a real class, the idea of Gender Role Therapy and False Image workshop is indeed real.
And say what? The novel wasn’t Come Come Paradise? Nope! Don’t worry, you’ll find out the reason behind it later. Also, in case you’re wondering, I went to erotica section in the book store and Do Me and Man-Handled were the two most obvious names that made me laugh the most so yes, Do Me is a real novel. I know all of you probably have questions about Tsunade and Jiraiya (and his “OOCness”), but don’t worry! You’ll find out more about them later, so for now all I can say is look at the context clues!
Also, drunk!Bike decided to add to the fic; so this is her contribution:
SHANANANANA HEY HEY
BEAT YOUR MEAT LIKE IT OWES YOU MONEYYYY
Chapter: [ 1], [ 2], [ 3], [ 4], [ 5], [6], [ 7]