Heaven's Ablaze - Chapter 15
Title:: Heaven's Ablaze
Genre:: AU Vam Fanfic
Rating:: R
Summary:: His heaven is ablaze in my eyes
Notes:: This story is based on the album Dark Light. All lyrics are taken from that album, and are copyright of Ville Valo. I do not know or own the characters in this story. The storyline itself is property of me and me alone. This story deals with the themes of religion and a degree of pedophilia. If you have a problem with the themes, dont read it.
Links under the cut
Links
Prologue
Chapter 1 - Accident
Chapter 2 - Pot Luck
Chapter 3 - Warmth
Chapter 4 - Joseph on Wheels
Chapter 5 - My First Christmas
Interlude - Bam
Chapter 6 - Beginnings
Chapter 7 - Music
Chapter 8 - Time
Chapter 9 - Unfortunate Meetings of Unfortunate Friends
Interlude - Bam
Chapter 10 - Journies
Chapter 11 - First Crush
Chapter 12 - Contemptible
Interlude - Bam
Chapter 13 - Bath Tubs
Chapter 14 - Labyrinth
Chapter 15 - Pure Mornings
When I woke up, I didn’t remember the night before right away. I simply woke up and stared at the ceiling, wondering why I’d slept so well.
Then I heard Bam shuffle around next to me in his sleep, and it all came rushing back to me, and I sat up with a start.
“Fuck,” I whispered, turning to look at him.
He looked so peaceful, so happy and so serene. He looked like a sleeping angel. Looking at him like that, it just seemed impossible to imagine him ever doing anything remotely bad or mischievous. I knew, of course, that that was also a load of bullshit, but looking at him sleeping like that… it seemed impossible for him to be anything other than some perfect, untouched angel.
“And you want to ruin this, Ville,” I said to myself quietly, carefully - ever so carefully - moving a lock of his hair from his face. “You want to taint this angel? Shame on you.”
No. It was hopeless. It could not and would not be done.
I got up, stretched, and, with one last lingering look at Bam sleeping in his bed, left the room as quietly as I could and went to the kitchen.
I was leaning on the counter, staring into the bowels of the sink, feeling sick and weak and indeed, even wanting to be sick, wishing that I could fit down the food disposal system that I knew was in there somewhere - the grinding, crunching noise it made seemed, at this point in time, very, very welcoming to me - when I heard him shuffle behind me.
He must have felt like shit, I realized quickly. He had been so wasted last night, and so sick.
I also realized, very quickly, that if he was so drunk, there was a possibility, one shimmering glint of hope, that he didn’t remember a thing that went on the night before, and I clung to that glint. Not for me, if I was doing anything for me it would have been to sweep him up in my arms and never let him go. No. I was doing this for him.
“Hey,” I said, turning to face him and trying not to look as sick as I felt. He grunted something in response.
“Man, you must feel like shit today, huh?” I asked him, looking him up and down. He looked something close to death warmed over.
“Something like that,” he said, coming to join me in the counter-leaning sink-staring stance.
“Right. Come on, sit down at the table. One famous Ville Valo hangover cure coming right up.” I winked at him, helped him to the table, and set about making the cure. I was well aware that Bam was watching every single movement I made, but I ignored it, doing the best I could to focus only on making something to cure his pain.
I play dead…
When I set it down in front of him, he looked at me in disgust.
“What is that?”
“Egg yolk, coffee grounds, Asprin, orange juice, and a little bit of vodka to jump start your system into getting rid of the alcohol.”
He stared at me.
“You don’t seriously want me to drink that,” he groaned, holding his head.
“Yep. Down the hatch, every last drop. It’ll help. And then you’re going to take a cold shower. And then…” I looked at him, taking a deep breath. “Then I’m going to take you home.”
He glared, though I know it hurt him to do it.
“I’m not drinking this.”
“Drink it!” I said, sitting down across the table from him.
“I’ll be sick!”
“Nah. It’s not that bad. Just hold your nose and drink up.”
“This isn’t going to get rid of this pain, Ville. I’m dying here.”
“It’s called a hangover. You were so wasted last night, I’m surprised you could get out of bed. Come on, take it from one experienced in hangovers, and drink that.”
He grimaced, but did as I told him to, holding his nose and downing the disgusting drink in a few fast gulps.
“Ew. That was gross.”
“Yep. Hangovers are worse though. Come on, into the shower now.”
I picked him up by the robe - my robe - that he was wearing, and shoved him in the bathroom, turning on the water for him, and closing the door to leave him to it.
I slumped down on the floor, shaking my head at myself.
…to hide my heart until the world gone dark fades away
That had hurt. Playing the normal, nonchalant, cocky me was too much right now. Moaning, I made myself stand up and collapsed on the couch instead.
It was too much. This was ridiculous. What had I been thinking last night? What was this? It was stupid, that’s what it was. Stupid and just plain, downright dumb.
But I knew as surely as ever now that I was in deep. Over my head, 6 feet under, drowning and smothered in love for him.
Burning in water and drowning in flames
Going over this in my head, I couldn’t stand it. I started hitting myself, battering my hands against my forehead, cursing my own stupidity.
“Ville?”
I froze in mid-hit, and then let my hands cover my face instead. I couldn’t stand it. Couldn’t stand his voice, couldn’t stand him watching me, his blue, blue eyes staring at me, piercing me, cutting me up and laying me bare. I couldn’t bear it anymore.
“Bam… just…” I wanted to tell him to go away, but I couldn’t find the words. I gave up speaking. I gave up thinking. I almost gave up breathing but I couldn’t manage to stop that. I wished I could.
When his hand touched my shoulder I jumped. I hadn’t noticed him come round. My hands flew from my face to see his, inches away.
“Ville, you said it was fine, remember?”
I stared at him, lost in deep wells of blue.
Heaven ablaze in our eyes,
We’re standing still in time
And then he kissed me.
Hesitantly, scared and shaking, he timidly pressed his lips to mine.
I panicked. I pushed myself scrambling backwards from him and stared at him in shock.
“Bam, what… what are you doing?!”
He looked ashamed. He looked scared and lost and worried, but most of all ashamed.
“I’m… sorry. I couldn’t help it.”
“Bam… I thought… I thought you didn’t remember last night…” He looked at me like I was from the moon.
“Not remember last night? When I’ve been dreaming of it for so long? Ville. Please.”
“I … but… no. Sorry. We can’t.” I pushed him backwards and scrambled off the couch. “Come on, you have got to go home.”
He just looked up at me from his haunches on the floor.
“Bam. Please. Come on. Please.” I was begging with him, pleading with him. I couldn’t do this.
“Ville…”
“Shh. You have to go. We can’t. We can’t we can’t we can’t.”
“Ville we talked about this…”
“You were drunk!” I almost screamed it; it came out squeezed and desperate and several octaves too high.
“So?”
“Bam, people don’t think straight when they’re drunk! You must know we can’t…”
“I was thinking straight, Ville. Will you please quit acting like a madman? It will be fine.”
I shook my head at him, my eyes probably bulging with fear and apprehension.
“No. You don’t know that. You can’t say that. You don’t know… you don’t know the first thing about this. How do you know you love me?! You don’t know what love is!”
devils dance while angels smile
I had to sit down, I felt like I was going to faint.
“Will you quit treating me like a child?!” He yelled it, fists clenched, face red. “I may never have been in love, and I may not know what it feels like, but I do know that I can’t get you out of my goddam head, that all I ever want to do is be with you, and that kissing you just then made me feel… I dunno… amazing. And I know good and well you think everything is going to blow up and I’m going to hate you forever but trust me, Ville, nothing you could do will make me as angry as I will be if you don’t even give this a chance.”
I stared at him. He was deadly serious, standing up now, glaring at me.
I caved. He looked so upset, so serious, and I’d never had anyone say that kind of thing to me in my life. That he wanted to be with me all the time, for instance. That he couldn’t stop thinking about me. How it felt when he kissed me.
Dark Light, come shine in her lost heart tonight,
And blind all the fears that haunt her -
With your smile
I nodded. Slowly. Resolutely. Giving in. And I opened my arms to him and took him in them, curled up, hugged him close to my chest, kissed his forehead over and over again.
“I love you,” I whispered, the words ghosting across his forehead.
“I love you too.”
There. That was it. Done, signed and sealed.
After that, there was no going back.
But after his lips once again found mine, I knew that I didn’t want to go back. No matter how scared or worried I was, or how wrong our relationship was, I didn’t want to take it all back.
A kiss had never before made me feel like that kiss did. And I’d kissed a lot of people.
No, there was no going back. Even now, if I had the chance, I would do it all again.
Forever we are,
Forever we’ve been,
Forever we’ll be crucified to a dream
We pulled some chairs out on to the balcony that I had and never used, and watched the sun come up. I had only realized, looking out the window after that first kiss, how early it actually was.
I sat there, holding his hand, watching the sun come up like I’d never done since Finland, and it struck me that at that moment, sitting there on the balcony of my apartment, holding Bam’s hand in mine, our fingers interlocked and both of us silent but smiling, that I had actually never been that happy before.
“Whatcha thinking?” Bam asked, bored of the quiet, I think, after a few minutes.
“Nothing much,” I said, looking at him. He was still groggy, his head obviously still hurt, but he was dealing with the noise of the streets and the bright glaring sun angelically.
I smiled.
He smiled.
We turned back to watch the sun appear over the top of the apartments and I thought my heart would burst.
I’d thought, when I woke up, that that day would be impossible. That it would be the worst day of my life.
Instead, it was like a whole new start. A new day, a new slate, a new life. Almost.
In the nightside of Eden
We’re born again - dead
I didn’t have any blemishes on this day. Being with Bam made me forget my past, freed me from it. He shone brighter than the lights of Vegas. It was relieving.
I drove him home a little later, though he protested a lot, because I knew his mom would be worried sick.
I parked in his driveway, and turned the engine off, and turned to look at him.
“Just tell her you were feeling really sick. And that I didn’t want to move you incase you started throwing up again. She need never know about the alcohol.”
He nodded, but didn’t move.
“Bam?”
“Yeah?”
“You gonna go then?” He seemed to snap out of whatever trance he was in and grinned.
“Yeah, sorry. Bye then. See you soon.”
“Yeah.” I leaned over to kiss him quickly, surreptitiously. I wasn’t going to risk his parents finding out. No. That would be bad.
“Love you,” he said, climbing out of the car. My heart swelled.
“Yeah. Love you too.”
killing ourselves a kiss at a time
And then he ran up the driveway and, with one look at me, disappeared inside his house.
I honked a goodbye on the horn and drove off, singing to myself.
Yes, it had been a good day.
I will never, ever forget that day.
Genre:: AU Vam Fanfic
Rating:: R
Summary:: His heaven is ablaze in my eyes
Notes:: This story is based on the album Dark Light. All lyrics are taken from that album, and are copyright of Ville Valo. I do not know or own the characters in this story. The storyline itself is property of me and me alone. This story deals with the themes of religion and a degree of pedophilia. If you have a problem with the themes, dont read it.
Links under the cut
Links
Prologue
Chapter 1 - Accident
Chapter 2 - Pot Luck
Chapter 3 - Warmth
Chapter 4 - Joseph on Wheels
Chapter 5 - My First Christmas
Interlude - Bam
Chapter 6 - Beginnings
Chapter 7 - Music
Chapter 8 - Time
Chapter 9 - Unfortunate Meetings of Unfortunate Friends
Interlude - Bam
Chapter 10 - Journies
Chapter 11 - First Crush
Chapter 12 - Contemptible
Interlude - Bam
Chapter 13 - Bath Tubs
Chapter 14 - Labyrinth
Chapter 15 - Pure Mornings
When I woke up, I didn’t remember the night before right away. I simply woke up and stared at the ceiling, wondering why I’d slept so well.
Then I heard Bam shuffle around next to me in his sleep, and it all came rushing back to me, and I sat up with a start.
“Fuck,” I whispered, turning to look at him.
He looked so peaceful, so happy and so serene. He looked like a sleeping angel. Looking at him like that, it just seemed impossible to imagine him ever doing anything remotely bad or mischievous. I knew, of course, that that was also a load of bullshit, but looking at him sleeping like that… it seemed impossible for him to be anything other than some perfect, untouched angel.
“And you want to ruin this, Ville,” I said to myself quietly, carefully - ever so carefully - moving a lock of his hair from his face. “You want to taint this angel? Shame on you.”
No. It was hopeless. It could not and would not be done.
I got up, stretched, and, with one last lingering look at Bam sleeping in his bed, left the room as quietly as I could and went to the kitchen.
I was leaning on the counter, staring into the bowels of the sink, feeling sick and weak and indeed, even wanting to be sick, wishing that I could fit down the food disposal system that I knew was in there somewhere - the grinding, crunching noise it made seemed, at this point in time, very, very welcoming to me - when I heard him shuffle behind me.
He must have felt like shit, I realized quickly. He had been so wasted last night, and so sick.
I also realized, very quickly, that if he was so drunk, there was a possibility, one shimmering glint of hope, that he didn’t remember a thing that went on the night before, and I clung to that glint. Not for me, if I was doing anything for me it would have been to sweep him up in my arms and never let him go. No. I was doing this for him.
“Hey,” I said, turning to face him and trying not to look as sick as I felt. He grunted something in response.
“Man, you must feel like shit today, huh?” I asked him, looking him up and down. He looked something close to death warmed over.
“Something like that,” he said, coming to join me in the counter-leaning sink-staring stance.
“Right. Come on, sit down at the table. One famous Ville Valo hangover cure coming right up.” I winked at him, helped him to the table, and set about making the cure. I was well aware that Bam was watching every single movement I made, but I ignored it, doing the best I could to focus only on making something to cure his pain.
I play dead…
When I set it down in front of him, he looked at me in disgust.
“What is that?”
“Egg yolk, coffee grounds, Asprin, orange juice, and a little bit of vodka to jump start your system into getting rid of the alcohol.”
He stared at me.
“You don’t seriously want me to drink that,” he groaned, holding his head.
“Yep. Down the hatch, every last drop. It’ll help. And then you’re going to take a cold shower. And then…” I looked at him, taking a deep breath. “Then I’m going to take you home.”
He glared, though I know it hurt him to do it.
“I’m not drinking this.”
“Drink it!” I said, sitting down across the table from him.
“I’ll be sick!”
“Nah. It’s not that bad. Just hold your nose and drink up.”
“This isn’t going to get rid of this pain, Ville. I’m dying here.”
“It’s called a hangover. You were so wasted last night, I’m surprised you could get out of bed. Come on, take it from one experienced in hangovers, and drink that.”
He grimaced, but did as I told him to, holding his nose and downing the disgusting drink in a few fast gulps.
“Ew. That was gross.”
“Yep. Hangovers are worse though. Come on, into the shower now.”
I picked him up by the robe - my robe - that he was wearing, and shoved him in the bathroom, turning on the water for him, and closing the door to leave him to it.
I slumped down on the floor, shaking my head at myself.
…to hide my heart until the world gone dark fades away
That had hurt. Playing the normal, nonchalant, cocky me was too much right now. Moaning, I made myself stand up and collapsed on the couch instead.
It was too much. This was ridiculous. What had I been thinking last night? What was this? It was stupid, that’s what it was. Stupid and just plain, downright dumb.
But I knew as surely as ever now that I was in deep. Over my head, 6 feet under, drowning and smothered in love for him.
Burning in water and drowning in flames
Going over this in my head, I couldn’t stand it. I started hitting myself, battering my hands against my forehead, cursing my own stupidity.
“Ville?”
I froze in mid-hit, and then let my hands cover my face instead. I couldn’t stand it. Couldn’t stand his voice, couldn’t stand him watching me, his blue, blue eyes staring at me, piercing me, cutting me up and laying me bare. I couldn’t bear it anymore.
“Bam… just…” I wanted to tell him to go away, but I couldn’t find the words. I gave up speaking. I gave up thinking. I almost gave up breathing but I couldn’t manage to stop that. I wished I could.
When his hand touched my shoulder I jumped. I hadn’t noticed him come round. My hands flew from my face to see his, inches away.
“Ville, you said it was fine, remember?”
I stared at him, lost in deep wells of blue.
Heaven ablaze in our eyes,
We’re standing still in time
And then he kissed me.
Hesitantly, scared and shaking, he timidly pressed his lips to mine.
I panicked. I pushed myself scrambling backwards from him and stared at him in shock.
“Bam, what… what are you doing?!”
He looked ashamed. He looked scared and lost and worried, but most of all ashamed.
“I’m… sorry. I couldn’t help it.”
“Bam… I thought… I thought you didn’t remember last night…” He looked at me like I was from the moon.
“Not remember last night? When I’ve been dreaming of it for so long? Ville. Please.”
“I … but… no. Sorry. We can’t.” I pushed him backwards and scrambled off the couch. “Come on, you have got to go home.”
He just looked up at me from his haunches on the floor.
“Bam. Please. Come on. Please.” I was begging with him, pleading with him. I couldn’t do this.
“Ville…”
“Shh. You have to go. We can’t. We can’t we can’t we can’t.”
“Ville we talked about this…”
“You were drunk!” I almost screamed it; it came out squeezed and desperate and several octaves too high.
“So?”
“Bam, people don’t think straight when they’re drunk! You must know we can’t…”
“I was thinking straight, Ville. Will you please quit acting like a madman? It will be fine.”
I shook my head at him, my eyes probably bulging with fear and apprehension.
“No. You don’t know that. You can’t say that. You don’t know… you don’t know the first thing about this. How do you know you love me?! You don’t know what love is!”
devils dance while angels smile
I had to sit down, I felt like I was going to faint.
“Will you quit treating me like a child?!” He yelled it, fists clenched, face red. “I may never have been in love, and I may not know what it feels like, but I do know that I can’t get you out of my goddam head, that all I ever want to do is be with you, and that kissing you just then made me feel… I dunno… amazing. And I know good and well you think everything is going to blow up and I’m going to hate you forever but trust me, Ville, nothing you could do will make me as angry as I will be if you don’t even give this a chance.”
I stared at him. He was deadly serious, standing up now, glaring at me.
I caved. He looked so upset, so serious, and I’d never had anyone say that kind of thing to me in my life. That he wanted to be with me all the time, for instance. That he couldn’t stop thinking about me. How it felt when he kissed me.
Dark Light, come shine in her lost heart tonight,
And blind all the fears that haunt her -
With your smile
I nodded. Slowly. Resolutely. Giving in. And I opened my arms to him and took him in them, curled up, hugged him close to my chest, kissed his forehead over and over again.
“I love you,” I whispered, the words ghosting across his forehead.
“I love you too.”
There. That was it. Done, signed and sealed.
After that, there was no going back.
But after his lips once again found mine, I knew that I didn’t want to go back. No matter how scared or worried I was, or how wrong our relationship was, I didn’t want to take it all back.
A kiss had never before made me feel like that kiss did. And I’d kissed a lot of people.
No, there was no going back. Even now, if I had the chance, I would do it all again.
Forever we are,
Forever we’ve been,
Forever we’ll be crucified to a dream
We pulled some chairs out on to the balcony that I had and never used, and watched the sun come up. I had only realized, looking out the window after that first kiss, how early it actually was.
I sat there, holding his hand, watching the sun come up like I’d never done since Finland, and it struck me that at that moment, sitting there on the balcony of my apartment, holding Bam’s hand in mine, our fingers interlocked and both of us silent but smiling, that I had actually never been that happy before.
“Whatcha thinking?” Bam asked, bored of the quiet, I think, after a few minutes.
“Nothing much,” I said, looking at him. He was still groggy, his head obviously still hurt, but he was dealing with the noise of the streets and the bright glaring sun angelically.
I smiled.
He smiled.
We turned back to watch the sun appear over the top of the apartments and I thought my heart would burst.
I’d thought, when I woke up, that that day would be impossible. That it would be the worst day of my life.
Instead, it was like a whole new start. A new day, a new slate, a new life. Almost.
In the nightside of Eden
We’re born again - dead
I didn’t have any blemishes on this day. Being with Bam made me forget my past, freed me from it. He shone brighter than the lights of Vegas. It was relieving.
I drove him home a little later, though he protested a lot, because I knew his mom would be worried sick.
I parked in his driveway, and turned the engine off, and turned to look at him.
“Just tell her you were feeling really sick. And that I didn’t want to move you incase you started throwing up again. She need never know about the alcohol.”
He nodded, but didn’t move.
“Bam?”
“Yeah?”
“You gonna go then?” He seemed to snap out of whatever trance he was in and grinned.
“Yeah, sorry. Bye then. See you soon.”
“Yeah.” I leaned over to kiss him quickly, surreptitiously. I wasn’t going to risk his parents finding out. No. That would be bad.
“Love you,” he said, climbing out of the car. My heart swelled.
“Yeah. Love you too.”
killing ourselves a kiss at a time
And then he ran up the driveway and, with one look at me, disappeared inside his house.
I honked a goodbye on the horn and drove off, singing to myself.
Yes, it had been a good day.
I will never, ever forget that day.