Heaven's Ablaze - Chapter 14
Title:: Heaven's Ablaze
Genre:: AU Vam Fanfic
Rating:: R
Summary:: His heaven is ablaze in my eyes
Notes:: This story is based on the album Dark Light. All lyrics are taken from that album, and are copyright of Ville Valo. I do not know or own the characters in this story. The storyline itself is property of me and me alone. This story deals with the themes of religion and a degree of pedophilia. If you have a problem with the themes, dont read it.
Links under the cut
Prologue
Chapter 1 - Accident
Chapter 2 - Pot Luck
Chapter 3 - Warmth
Chapter 4 - Joseph on Wheels
Chapter 5 - My First Christmas
Interlude - Bam
Chapter 6 - Beginnings
Chapter 7 - Music
Chapter 8 - Time
Chapter 9 - Unfortunate Meetings of Unfortunate Friends
Interlude - Bam
Chapter 10 - Journies
Chapter 11 - First Crush
Chapter 12 - Contemptible
Interlude - Bam
Chapter 13 - Bath Tubs
Chapter 14 - Labyrinth
Unrequited love is different than suppressed love.
With unrequited love, both parties are aware of the situation. With unrequited love, you can eventually get over it, forget about it, go back to normal.
Suppressed love has an annoying tendency of being completely and utterly insuppressible, and, even worse, unforgettable.
So I did the only thing I could do, after many silent minutes of holding him and pressing blunt kisses to his hair.
“Bam?” I held him back from me a bit, looking him straight in his glassy blue eyes.
“Huh?” I looked at him for a bit longer, a little lost for words. I had no idea what to say. How do you explain this kind of thing properly? How do you just tell him, without making him think you expect anything back? How do you tell him without making him think that everything will change? How do you… how do you tell a 16 year old that you’re in love with him without scaring him half to death?
blinded by the fear of life and death and everything in between
“Bam… listen… um… I have to tell you…something.”
“Okay,” he said; his eyes were clear of any idea of what was going on. For a split second, I considered just not telling him… but I remembered the shouts and screams and noises of Vegas, and quickly changed my mind.
“It’s just… uh… I…” I frowned at myself. “Look… I think… no, I know… um…Bam? I’m… I’m in love with you.”
His expression didn’t change; the expectant, curious face still looked up at me, as if he was waiting for me to finish.
“Um… yeah,” I said, to indicate that I was done.
“That was it?”
“Well, it is kind of a big deal, Bammie,” I said, amazed that he could make me smile, even in this situation; but sure enough, there it was, a hint of the smile that was never far from my lips when he was around, tugging at the corners of my mouth. I think it was the way he’d cocked his head at me inquisitively and how he was so naïve about it all that made me smile. I don’t know. It’s not that important.
“How? I love you too. So what? I mean, I love Jess, and that’s okay. And I love Ryan, and that’s okay too, I mean… it’s normal. I love all my friends.”
He said it as if he was talking to a 5 year old, telling them that they should love their neighbors. He was still a bit bleary eyed with fever and alcohol, and I realized he must have misunderstood me.
in oblivion's garden, her body's on fire
I bit my lip, pushing tears back stubbornly whilst pushing his soppy hair away from his sweating forehead, and placing a kiss on it, before saying:
“No. Bammie. That’s not the kind of love I meant.”
There was a short silence, during which his eyes widened and I was sure he had passed out before:
“Oh.”
That was it.
I’d heard that before in response to my confessions of love for someone.
It never meant anything good.
paint you my soul, scarred and alone
I drew a shaky breath and nodded.
“I just … thought you should know.”
Shit Shit Shit was all that ran through my head. I had to break the silence, he was still staring at me and I had to get out of that room, I couldn’t stand it.
“Um… I’ll go… fix up the couch and you can… you know, stay here and tomorrow morning I’ll drive you home.”
I got up to leave the room, was at the door before he’d realized I was going and cried out.
“No! Where are you… I mean… Don’t go…”
He’d crawled to the edge of the bed, his blue eyes shimmering earnestly.
I froze.
“Please, Vil’. Don’t… Don’t leave me alone. Not tonight.”
“But… Bam…” I turned to look at him. “Bammie, I … I mean, we’re not just friends anymore. I kinda just fucked that up.” I sighed and turned to leave again; it hurt way too much to stay there.
“I don’t care,” he said stubbornly. “Come back. I love you too.”
I froze again, my hand on the doorknob.
set the darkest thoughts on fire
“No, no you don’t.” My voice trembled and cracked. I was still facing the door, staring at it but not really seeing anything.
“Yes, I do. I know it. At first I thought not, but I do, Ville, I do. I need you.”
I shook my head, not believing my ears, a tear running down my cheek: I knew what he was doing, just trying to make me feel better, just trying to salvage our friendship.
“You don’t believe me, do you?” He said it quietly but it rang like gunfire in my ears and it hurt.
“No,” I whispered. “No, I don’t.” I stood there, still staring at the door, for another age. Stood there for long, heavy minutes, feeling his eyes burning desperately on my back. Willing myself to turn the handle and walk out of the room. Willing myself to walk away and forget.
It was when I heard him turn away on the bed and give a tiny, ragged sob, that I knew my plight to get away from him was useless.
I turned and walked back to the bed slowly, agonizingly slowly. He had his face buried in my pillow, and I could tell he was wiling himself to breathe normally, forcing himself not to cry.
I sat next to him and placed a trembling hand on his shoulder.
His deliberate breathing stopped, and he looked up at me with bright, glittering eyes.
“You believe me?” he asked, eyes full of hope.
I nodded. It felt like I was sealing our doom with that nod. But I couldn’t stop myself from doing it. I needed him just as much as he needed me, and we both knew it. It was just impossible. It was wrong, horribly wrong, and it would never work, but we both knew at that point that we weren’t going to be able to avoid it.
“But Bam… you can’t… I mean… you don’t understand. This isn’t a good thing at all. Especially not for you.”
He frowned at me.
“What do you mean?”
“I mean… Jesus, Bam, it’s not that hard to see what’s wrong with this. You’re 16. Bam, in two weeks I’m going to be 29. 13 years is a huge amount of difference Bam. And… Bam…” I look him deep in the eyes, clutching both his shoulders now, speaking intensely so that he got the point. “It’d mean you’re gay. I mean… yeah.”
with hell freezing over in our eyes
He nodded slowly, but he didn’t look phased; he didn’t look like he was about to do anything to try and stop this all from taking place.
“Doesn’t that bother you?” I asked him, incredulously. He shrugged.
“Well, you’re gay, and you turned out fine, so why should it matter?” I stare at him. Turned out fine.
“Bam, Jesus Christ… it’s because I’m gay that my life is such a mess! Don’t you get that?”
“But not all gay people are a mess.” I sighed. It was true. But … my god, I couldn’t do this to him.
“Bam please… just… think about it.”
“I have.”
“What do you mean, you have? I only just told you 5 minutes ago, you can’t have thought about it!”
“No, I mean, before.” I blinked at him.
“Why?”
He shrugged, looking a bit ashamed.
“Wondered what it was like. I dunno. Not just the gay thing. But… with you.”
I frowned at him; then I remembered that he was a teenager, and I knew that the fantasies teenagers had were uncontrollable and unavoidable; it wasn’t his fault.
“This is crazy,” I said, getting up again, and pacing the room, running my hands through my hair. God. What was I doing?
“Ville, sit down, you’re going to wear the floor out. And you’re making me nervous. Seriously, sit down.”
I sighed and sat down on the edge of the bed.
“You know I did mean it when I said I loved you back, right?” Bam was speaking to my back, as I was still sitting on the edge of the bed, my head in my hands.
“I know,” I murmured. I wanted to tell him that it didn’t comfort me much, but I couldn’t.
“Don’t worry, it’ll be alright.”
“How? How will it be alright?” My head whipped around to look at him. “Really. I would love to know. Bam you don’t get it. If… if we… well you know, are in any sort of relationship besides just friends, no-one can know. As in no-one. I’d get locked up for it. It’s not just morally weird, it’s illegal! Your parents would have a fit and would hate me and… Bam…”
“So no one will know. Who cares? Come on, it’s not like its going to change that much.” I shrug. I felt his hands on my arms, trying to warm and soothe me, but I shivered anyways. “Don’t think about it.”
I wanted to cry. I wanted to run far away and cry. I loved him so much it hurt, but I could see it was hopeless. The stupid thing was that I didn’t listen to my stomach, I didn’t listen to it when it tried to tell me to get out. My heart was yelling too loud, my heart drowned it out, and, as is inevitable when you listen solely to your heart, you do stupid, stupid things.
The moon kissed the sun and now we hold her in our blood
I leant back in his arms, nodding slowly, giving in.
“I love you, Bammie,” I whispered, smiling up at him. Just a boy, a beautiful young boy, but so strong… how had I lived without him before?
He smiled at me, and I lay down on the bed next to him, our heads on the same pillow and eventually, somewhere in between looking at each other and smiling, we fell asleep.
Genre:: AU Vam Fanfic
Rating:: R
Summary:: His heaven is ablaze in my eyes
Notes:: This story is based on the album Dark Light. All lyrics are taken from that album, and are copyright of Ville Valo. I do not know or own the characters in this story. The storyline itself is property of me and me alone. This story deals with the themes of religion and a degree of pedophilia. If you have a problem with the themes, dont read it.
Links under the cut
Prologue
Chapter 1 - Accident
Chapter 2 - Pot Luck
Chapter 3 - Warmth
Chapter 4 - Joseph on Wheels
Chapter 5 - My First Christmas
Interlude - Bam
Chapter 6 - Beginnings
Chapter 7 - Music
Chapter 8 - Time
Chapter 9 - Unfortunate Meetings of Unfortunate Friends
Interlude - Bam
Chapter 10 - Journies
Chapter 11 - First Crush
Chapter 12 - Contemptible
Interlude - Bam
Chapter 13 - Bath Tubs
Chapter 14 - Labyrinth
Unrequited love is different than suppressed love.
With unrequited love, both parties are aware of the situation. With unrequited love, you can eventually get over it, forget about it, go back to normal.
Suppressed love has an annoying tendency of being completely and utterly insuppressible, and, even worse, unforgettable.
So I did the only thing I could do, after many silent minutes of holding him and pressing blunt kisses to his hair.
“Bam?” I held him back from me a bit, looking him straight in his glassy blue eyes.
“Huh?” I looked at him for a bit longer, a little lost for words. I had no idea what to say. How do you explain this kind of thing properly? How do you just tell him, without making him think you expect anything back? How do you tell him without making him think that everything will change? How do you… how do you tell a 16 year old that you’re in love with him without scaring him half to death?
blinded by the fear of life and death and everything in between
“Bam… listen… um… I have to tell you…something.”
“Okay,” he said; his eyes were clear of any idea of what was going on. For a split second, I considered just not telling him… but I remembered the shouts and screams and noises of Vegas, and quickly changed my mind.
“It’s just… uh… I…” I frowned at myself. “Look… I think… no, I know… um…Bam? I’m… I’m in love with you.”
His expression didn’t change; the expectant, curious face still looked up at me, as if he was waiting for me to finish.
“Um… yeah,” I said, to indicate that I was done.
“That was it?”
“Well, it is kind of a big deal, Bammie,” I said, amazed that he could make me smile, even in this situation; but sure enough, there it was, a hint of the smile that was never far from my lips when he was around, tugging at the corners of my mouth. I think it was the way he’d cocked his head at me inquisitively and how he was so naïve about it all that made me smile. I don’t know. It’s not that important.
“How? I love you too. So what? I mean, I love Jess, and that’s okay. And I love Ryan, and that’s okay too, I mean… it’s normal. I love all my friends.”
He said it as if he was talking to a 5 year old, telling them that they should love their neighbors. He was still a bit bleary eyed with fever and alcohol, and I realized he must have misunderstood me.
in oblivion's garden, her body's on fire
I bit my lip, pushing tears back stubbornly whilst pushing his soppy hair away from his sweating forehead, and placing a kiss on it, before saying:
“No. Bammie. That’s not the kind of love I meant.”
There was a short silence, during which his eyes widened and I was sure he had passed out before:
“Oh.”
That was it.
I’d heard that before in response to my confessions of love for someone.
It never meant anything good.
paint you my soul, scarred and alone
I drew a shaky breath and nodded.
“I just … thought you should know.”
Shit Shit Shit was all that ran through my head. I had to break the silence, he was still staring at me and I had to get out of that room, I couldn’t stand it.
“Um… I’ll go… fix up the couch and you can… you know, stay here and tomorrow morning I’ll drive you home.”
I got up to leave the room, was at the door before he’d realized I was going and cried out.
“No! Where are you… I mean… Don’t go…”
He’d crawled to the edge of the bed, his blue eyes shimmering earnestly.
I froze.
“Please, Vil’. Don’t… Don’t leave me alone. Not tonight.”
“But… Bam…” I turned to look at him. “Bammie, I … I mean, we’re not just friends anymore. I kinda just fucked that up.” I sighed and turned to leave again; it hurt way too much to stay there.
“I don’t care,” he said stubbornly. “Come back. I love you too.”
I froze again, my hand on the doorknob.
set the darkest thoughts on fire
“No, no you don’t.” My voice trembled and cracked. I was still facing the door, staring at it but not really seeing anything.
“Yes, I do. I know it. At first I thought not, but I do, Ville, I do. I need you.”
I shook my head, not believing my ears, a tear running down my cheek: I knew what he was doing, just trying to make me feel better, just trying to salvage our friendship.
“You don’t believe me, do you?” He said it quietly but it rang like gunfire in my ears and it hurt.
“No,” I whispered. “No, I don’t.” I stood there, still staring at the door, for another age. Stood there for long, heavy minutes, feeling his eyes burning desperately on my back. Willing myself to turn the handle and walk out of the room. Willing myself to walk away and forget.
It was when I heard him turn away on the bed and give a tiny, ragged sob, that I knew my plight to get away from him was useless.
I turned and walked back to the bed slowly, agonizingly slowly. He had his face buried in my pillow, and I could tell he was wiling himself to breathe normally, forcing himself not to cry.
I sat next to him and placed a trembling hand on his shoulder.
His deliberate breathing stopped, and he looked up at me with bright, glittering eyes.
“You believe me?” he asked, eyes full of hope.
I nodded. It felt like I was sealing our doom with that nod. But I couldn’t stop myself from doing it. I needed him just as much as he needed me, and we both knew it. It was just impossible. It was wrong, horribly wrong, and it would never work, but we both knew at that point that we weren’t going to be able to avoid it.
“But Bam… you can’t… I mean… you don’t understand. This isn’t a good thing at all. Especially not for you.”
He frowned at me.
“What do you mean?”
“I mean… Jesus, Bam, it’s not that hard to see what’s wrong with this. You’re 16. Bam, in two weeks I’m going to be 29. 13 years is a huge amount of difference Bam. And… Bam…” I look him deep in the eyes, clutching both his shoulders now, speaking intensely so that he got the point. “It’d mean you’re gay. I mean… yeah.”
with hell freezing over in our eyes
He nodded slowly, but he didn’t look phased; he didn’t look like he was about to do anything to try and stop this all from taking place.
“Doesn’t that bother you?” I asked him, incredulously. He shrugged.
“Well, you’re gay, and you turned out fine, so why should it matter?” I stare at him. Turned out fine.
“Bam, Jesus Christ… it’s because I’m gay that my life is such a mess! Don’t you get that?”
“But not all gay people are a mess.” I sighed. It was true. But … my god, I couldn’t do this to him.
“Bam please… just… think about it.”
“I have.”
“What do you mean, you have? I only just told you 5 minutes ago, you can’t have thought about it!”
“No, I mean, before.” I blinked at him.
“Why?”
He shrugged, looking a bit ashamed.
“Wondered what it was like. I dunno. Not just the gay thing. But… with you.”
I frowned at him; then I remembered that he was a teenager, and I knew that the fantasies teenagers had were uncontrollable and unavoidable; it wasn’t his fault.
“This is crazy,” I said, getting up again, and pacing the room, running my hands through my hair. God. What was I doing?
“Ville, sit down, you’re going to wear the floor out. And you’re making me nervous. Seriously, sit down.”
I sighed and sat down on the edge of the bed.
“You know I did mean it when I said I loved you back, right?” Bam was speaking to my back, as I was still sitting on the edge of the bed, my head in my hands.
“I know,” I murmured. I wanted to tell him that it didn’t comfort me much, but I couldn’t.
“Don’t worry, it’ll be alright.”
“How? How will it be alright?” My head whipped around to look at him. “Really. I would love to know. Bam you don’t get it. If… if we… well you know, are in any sort of relationship besides just friends, no-one can know. As in no-one. I’d get locked up for it. It’s not just morally weird, it’s illegal! Your parents would have a fit and would hate me and… Bam…”
“So no one will know. Who cares? Come on, it’s not like its going to change that much.” I shrug. I felt his hands on my arms, trying to warm and soothe me, but I shivered anyways. “Don’t think about it.”
I wanted to cry. I wanted to run far away and cry. I loved him so much it hurt, but I could see it was hopeless. The stupid thing was that I didn’t listen to my stomach, I didn’t listen to it when it tried to tell me to get out. My heart was yelling too loud, my heart drowned it out, and, as is inevitable when you listen solely to your heart, you do stupid, stupid things.
The moon kissed the sun and now we hold her in our blood
I leant back in his arms, nodding slowly, giving in.
“I love you, Bammie,” I whispered, smiling up at him. Just a boy, a beautiful young boy, but so strong… how had I lived without him before?
He smiled at me, and I lay down on the bed next to him, our heads on the same pillow and eventually, somewhere in between looking at each other and smiling, we fell asleep.