Outrageous Sues by Adult Suethors, #6!
TITLE: Bound by Blood
CULPRIT: JackSparrowsWench
SUMMARY: Story about a half sister Jack Sparrow never knew existed. Things will get good!! Inc Yes, heave_ho-ers, this Suethor is pulling a Morgan le Fay on us! Ye be warned.
Best Line: “Picture Kate Beckinsale in the role of Jack’s half sister.” No, actually, I’d prefer to have you WRITE the description out like you’re supposed to. Old-fashioned of me, I know.
The Verdict:
NAME: Tabitha “Tabby” Sparrow Sutton
Right around here, things started to get long. So…
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HAIR: “She had long
Fair enough.
thick
You might want to stop now.
curly
A little too much, Suethor.
coffee colored
For Pete’s sake!
tresses
Make it stop…
that fell to her elbows.”
FINALLY.
EYES: “wild violet eyes” “the most striking violet eyes he had ever seen” *cups hand to ear* Do I hear a giant “Uh-oh” emerging?
DISTINGUISHING FEATURES: None that apparently need be described. But don’t let that stop you, Suethor!:
“No she was dressed in navy blue breeches
Please let that be the end of it.
and a brown leather belt
Oh, fine, just the belt-
that had a shiny silver buckle on it.
That belt buckle had better be important.
Attached to her belt
Arrrgh!
was a worn looking brown leather holster
Okay, so she has a pistol…
that she held her pistol in when she wasn’t pointing it at someone.
Because we couldn’t have inferred that from “holster”.
On her other hip
Noooooo!
her sword was sheathed
Well, I hope it was. Otherwise, she’d be walking around with a bloody hip!
and looked ready to be pulled at a moment’s notice should the need arise.
As opposed to the swords that are hot-glued into their scabbards?
The cream colored
This is REALLY not necessary!
and clearly a man’s taffeta
Ha-HAH-ha-HAH!
short
No, this is not an adjective. It’s a noun. She is wearing one short.
she wore hung open
Gack, surprise nudity!
just low enough for him to catch a glimpse of the alabaster skin of her neck and chest.
She’s wearing shorts on her…oh, wait, shirt. I see.
He could also see the beginnings
No, we don’t want beginnings, we want endings right about now.
of the strip of fabric that she used to bind her breasts
Aha, a cross-dresser! That explains so much. Wait, no it doesn’t.
and just between her breasts
How far open was this shirt?
he could make out the very tip of a tattoo.
A boob-tattoo. Oh happy day.
It looked to be like some sort of cross.
She’s an undercover nun!
On her head
Mommy, are we there yet?
she wore a worn looking
…Copy of Jack’s hat?
brown
Yep.
leather
Definitely.
tricorne
WE GOT IT FIVE MINUTES AGO!
hat to shield her eyes and face from the sun.
Her eyes and her face? If her eyes aren’t part of her face, just where is she keeping them?
OH SO SPESHUL POSSESSIONS: A pistol. Just like Jack’s. A hat. Just like Jack’s. And genes. Just like Jack’s.
OBNOXIOUS AND/OR IMPLAUSIBLE ORIGIN: Amelia Sutton and Captain Teague.
OBNOXIOUS AND/OR IMPLAUSIBLE CANON CONNECTIONS: Is Jack’s half-sister. And true love. In this fic’s defense, it is from the Über Pit of Voles.
SOOPER SPESHUL ABILITIES: Captaining a ship, mad fighting skillz, making Jack fall for her, blah blah blah.
TRAGIC PAST: I think this can qualify as our first excerpt.
It was almost as if the sea was in her blood coursing through her veins with every beat of her heart. It was almost as if we didn’t care. Until quite recently she had never understood her obvious fascination with the sea. She certainly didn’t inherit that from her mother. No, her mother, Amelia Sutton was quite possibly the person who held the least bit of enthusiasm towards the sea. So how did she take up with Teague, then? More so than anyone she had ever met in her entire lifetime. Not that her lifetime was all that long really, she was only twenty years old. Yet Jack is fortyish? That captain Teague must be popping those little blue pills! Amelia Sutton was perfectly content to stay anchored on land and as far away from the sea as one could get. Is she a mother, or a jollyboat? But something that Tabby had found in her mothers old jewelry box had suggested something entirely different.
When her mother had fallen terribly ill And really, who could blame her? she had taken the time to go through some of her belongings. Tabby had found a small very dusty tarnished and rectangular shaped jewelry box. The Suethor needs to join Adjectives Anonymous. Inside it was lined with burgundy colored velvet and held all sorts of little trinkets that she had never seen her mother wear. The first thing she had pulled out had been a silver band that was plan and woven like the threads of a rope might be. Then she had found a pale blue handkerchief that had the initials T.S. stitched into the left corner in darker blue thread. *snort* Captain Teague owns a baby-blue hankie? Tabby had been wondering what the initials had stood for but she had decided not to ask her mother until she was in fact taking her last dying breaths. Only then did she notice how her mother’s own much older looking violet eyes had watered up at the very sight of the handkerchief.
Amelia Sutton then told her only child the story of the man whose initials were on the handkerchief. You mean, only after Sue had taken advantage of her mother’s illness to rifle through her mother’s things. T.S. had stood for someone named Teague Sparrow. When Tabby had just stared at her mother looking confused Amelia just smiled before going on to explain that Teague Sparrow was in actuality her father and not the man that she had grown up thinking was her father. This had angered Tabby because she had spent her whole life thinking that her father was a merchant sailor named Jacob Sutton. Poor guy. A man who had perished at sea when she was twelve. Now here she was twenty and finding out that her father was a man named Teague Sparrow. Who was this man Teague Sparrow? And why had he not been around to raise her if she was in fact his daughter? The last thing Tabby had found in the jewelry box had been a silver locket. Inside the locket had been a picture of her mother on one side and on the other a man with Adjective gridlock ahead! long dark black dreadlocked hair We’re not out of the woods, yet: and dark coffee colored eyes.
Reaching just inside her shirt she let her fingers graze the locket softly. “Whoever you are Teague Sparrow I’m coming to find you.” Thus ended the overly long exposition? Her mother had told her that Teague Sparrow had been a wild and free spirited man who simply could not be tamed into the life of a family man. Ye gods, there’s MORE. When Amelia had told him she was pregnant he had simply left in the middle of the night and never returned leaving her behind in Jakarta, Indonesia. Unfortunately, Jakarta was called Batavia until 1942. So it seemed that Teague Sparrow had no desire to have any kind of relationship with his daughter. Good! It’s about time this exposition came to an- Tabby wondered if he had more children or if she was his only one. She wondered if he would be happy to see her or if he would simply dismiss her the moment she told him who she was. Then she began to wonder if the mysterious man who was really her father was even alive. Then the readers began to wonder why they weren’t doing more useful things with their time, like counting the hairs on the backs of their arms. For all she knew he could be dead and her trip to Shipwreck Cove would be a wasted one.
But Tabby supposed that it didn’t really matter because she was already alone. She had been alone the moment that her mother had passed. Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzz… So if her father refused to have anything to do with her it wasn’t like she would really be losing anything. Tabby let go of the locket and stared down at her hands that were in her lap. “Teague Sparrow, just what the hell kind of man are you?” The kind that’s a hell of a lot more interesting than your angst!
The “Plot”: There's a Sue who looks and acts exactly like (a strange madman that the author thinks is) Jack Sparrow. Her mother, following in the glorious tradition of Sue mothers everywhere, dies from an illness so that Sue can rob her dying mom of a locket and a blue handkerchief with the initials T.S. Her mother gives the obligatory deathbed confession that Sue is Captain Teague's daughter. Next, Sue terrifies the crap out of a harmless old man so she can steal his boat and sail it...yes, a boat, not a ship...all the way from Tortuga to Indonesia.
She arrives and pretends to be a whore so she'll get admitted into Teague's presence. Teague of course thinks she IS a whore, and there's an awful bit where he puts the moves on her and I panic and think this might be a worse kind of pairing than what I was expecting. Fortunately, he has a spaz attack at the sight of Sue's sooper speshul wild violet orbs (sorry, the Suefic's adjective abuse has rubbed off on me), and tells her that he married and left both her mother and Jack's. Sue berates him, goes to a tavern for a drink, and of course some pirate comes along and tries to assault her. Naturally, Jack comes to the rescue, and even though Sue's just been talking to Teague Sparrow and Jack introduces himself as Jack Sparrow, Sue isn't smart enough to make the connection. Cue sex. There is much shock horror amused surprise on Jack's part when it's discovered that she's his half sister. The fic ends with Jack concluding that he should blame it all on Captain Teague:
Somehow he found himself leaning towards the conclusion that this was somehow all his father’s fault. Yes it was completely his fault! If that bastard hadn’t been such a coward and walked out on him and his mother then maybe Tabby wouldn’t be his sister. Just maybe she might not have ever been born. Or perhaps she would have been some other man’s daughter, any man but Teague Sparrow. And then she wouldn’t be his sister and if she did turn out to be pregnant it wouldn’t be such a terrible mistake.
Well, not as terrible a mistake as this fic.
Notes: Ow.
That’s all I have to say.
Sue bullies and threatens an old man. How noble.
The sound of a pistol shot ringing out across the tavern startled the young woman briefly before she quickly drew her own pistol. That was all it had taken, one single bullet from a pistol and the whole tavern went into an uproar. Chairs began being tossed about and rum bottles were smashed over people’s heads. Swords were drawn and curses shouted. This would have been enough to make any young lady nervous. Because all young ladies from Tortuga quail and quiver. But not Tabby Sutton, no she simply threw herself into the mix and began smashing rum bottles over any pirate’s head that happened to come close enough to her. Oh, how ever could Jack resist this one? Keeping her pistol ready to fire should the need arise she began weaving her way through the rowdy crowd towards the exit of the tavern.
It always turned out like this in Tortuga. Tabby stepped out of the tavern and into the bright sunlight her violet eyes squinting underneath her brown leather tricorne Beholde, I art olde fashioned! hat. Pistol still in hand she headed towards the pier to find her way out of the miserable port. Tabby’s violet eyes widened when she saw an elderly man getting a dingy ready to sail. A dingy what? That was her ticket out of Tortuga. He seemed an easy enough mark. Wasting no time Tabby crept up behind him and put her pistol to the back of his head. Upon hearing the pistol click as Tabby made it ready to fire the gray haired man threw both his hands up quickly. “Please don’t shoot! I’ll give ye whatever ye want!”
“Yes you will old man.” She grinned when she noticed the old man’s shoulders tense up when he heard her voice. No doubt he was quite shocked that his attacker was a female. Yes, how brazen and devilish of a female to be stealing from and insulting an elderly man who’s never harmed a hair on her head!
“Take whatever ye want missy, just please don’t kill me.”
“I’m not going to kill you old man. Not unless you don’t listen to me anyway, then if that unfortunate occurrence should happen I’m afraid then that I will be killing you.”
“Take what you what young lady.”
“I’m no lady old man. And what I want is your boat.”
“Take it, take it!”
Just as the old man tried to step away from her Tabby grabbed the back of his collar roughly. “Not so fast there mate, where do you think you’re running off to?” This reminds me of a fifth-grader beating up a five-year-old. Ugh. I didn’t expect to feel this unclean until we got to the incest.
“Ye said ye wanted my boat, so take it. I’ll just be on my way then.”
“I’m afraid I can’t let you do that friend. You see I need you.”
“For what?”
“You’re going to take me to Shipwreck Cove.”
“Shipwreck Cove?”
“Aye, Shipwreck Cove. Now get in the boat and let’s be off.” The old man quickly got into the boat and held it steady by the pier while Tabby climbed in. He looked at her once they had shoved off from the side of the pier. She was quite a beautiful young woman. Unfortunately, she suffered from a chronic disorder known as “Bitchy and Saucy are Synonyms!” Syndrome. Not the typical thing you would expect to hold you up with a pistol and hijack your boat at all. She had long thick curly coffee colored tresses that fell to her elbows and the most striking violet eyes he had ever seen. His old blue eyes fell to notice that what she was wearing wasn’t what normal proper young ladies wore at all. No she was dressed in navy blue breeches and a brown leather belt that had a shiny silver buckle on it. Attached to her belt was a worn looking brown leather holster that she held her pistol in when she wasn’t pointing it at someone. On her other hip her sword was sheathed and looked ready to be pulled at a moment’s notice should the need arise. The cream colored and clearly a man’s taffeta short she wore hung open just low enough for him to catch a glimpse of the alabaster skin of her neck and chest. He could also see the beginnings of the strip of fabric that she used to bind her breasts and just between her breasts he could make out the very tip of a tattoo. It looked to be like some sort of cross. On her head she wore a worn looking brown leather tricorne hat to shield her eyes and face from the sun. Yes, folks, it’s just as bad the second time around.
This young woman was no lady indeed. No she was a….pirate. Why is he surprised? This is Tortuga, isn’t it? The old man swallowed nervously when he realized that she must be a pirate if she was wearing those clothes. Pirate ClothesTM, coming to a J.C. Penny’s near you! Her sharp voice snapped him from his thoughts abruptly. “Can’t you make this damn thing go any faster?”
“Sorry, but begging your pardon Miss….” His voice trailed off briefly before he continued. “I don’t believe I caught your name Miss?”
“No you didn’t because catching my name would in fact require me to tell you what it was and that I have not done. Mother’s love, she even tries to copy Jack’s speech. So no you haven’t caught my name because I have not offered it to. Now, can’t you row any faster?”
“I’m sorry Miss, but I’m not as young as used to be and these old arms will only go so fast.” She gave a groan of frustration but said nothing more. Clearly she had made an error in judgment when she had selected this man to take her to Shipwreck Cove. But she supposed it was far too late for her to change her mind about her decision since they were already on their way to Shipwreck Cove. Scowling Tabby just looked out to sea and tried to make the best of her slow means of transportation. Her violet eyes followed the gentle rolling of the ocean waves as if she were mesmerized by it. All her life the sea had been an object of such beauty and mystery to her. At times she felt as if the sea itself were calling out to her beckoning her to it like fire would draw a moth to it’s flickering light. Hey Suethor. Since your Sue is masquerading as a man, and has the leather hat, and the sword, and the pistol, and is related to Jack…why don’t you just write about Jack Sparrow instead of creating a Sue?
Sue and Jack have fun.
“Rum.” *gasp* You mean…she likes rum just like Jack? Why, who’d have thunk it! Tabby paid for the mug of rum that was placed in front of her and then turned around to watch the rest of the room. A gruff voice to her left startled her a bit.
“Ye here by yer lonesome darling?”
“Yes.”
“Looking fer some company?” The way he eyed her made it obvious what kind of company he was suggesting.
“No thank you.” Turning her back to the man she turned her mug of rum up to take a long pull from it.
“Don’t turn yer back on me darling I wasn’t finished talking t’ ye.”
“Well I’m finished listening to you.”
“Oh feisty, I like that in me women.” Dude, there are whore aplenty just waiting for you to claim their company. Why are you hitting on a chick that obviously doesn’t want you when there are willing women all around?
“Well I’m not your woman so move along.”
“Now that’s no way t’ talk t’ a gentleman missy.”
“From where I’m standing I see no gentleman. Now if you would be so kind as to leave me alone?” Tabby went to take another pull Heave, ho! from her mug of rum when she felt the man’s hand give her bottom a firm grab. Turning around sharply she glared daggers at the man that had dared to touch her. If anyone’s been counting…I believe this is our third dagger-eyed description this week. Seeing his ridiculous grin made her even angrier. “It would be very wise for you to keep your hands to yourself if you want to keep them attached.”
“Oh is that a threat? Ye don’t scare me none little missy. Yer too pretty t’ scare anyone.” He leaned in closer as if he were about to try and kiss her. "As if"? That implies that he actually wasn't trying to kiss her! Now, I'm curious. Exactly what was he planning to do? Tabby tossed the rest of her mug of rum in his face. The man howled in pain as the rum burned his eyes. Grabbing her pistol Tabby prepared to defend herself if necessary.
“You little witch!” He lunged at her but before she could fire a shot the sound of a pistol going off behind her made her jump. Her violet eyes widened as she watched the man that had been ready to attack her fall to the floor dead. Turning around she came face to face with her rescuer.
He was tall and had thick coffee colored dreadlocked hair that was adorned with various beads and trinkets. As annoying as the Token Lecherous Jerk was, I just don’t see Jack killing a man for attempted sexual harassment. A red scarf was tied around his head and she noticed the flash of gold in his smile. “Looks like I stepped in jus’ in time eh love?”
“Um yes, thank you. Let me buy you a drink?”
“A drink? Only if the lady agrees t’ join me at me table in the corner?”
“I’d love to.” Smiling Jack offered her his arm and signaled the bar wench to bring two more mugs of rum. Tabby smiled as she took the handsome stranger’s arm *feels ill* and allowed him to lead her to the table. A serving wench brought over their rum and Tabby reached for her coin purse to pay but was stopped when the man’s hand came to rest over her own making her freeze.
“I’ve got it love.”
“But I owe you a drink?”
“Nonsense darling, ye owe me nothing.”
“But you saved my life?”
“Jus’ allow me the pleasure of yer company darling an’ we can call it even savvy?”
“I suppose it couldn’t hurt.” He smiled at her again making her insides tingle a it when he flashed his gold teeth.
“Now then what’s yer name love?”
“Tabby Sutton.”
“A pleasure t’ make yer acquaintance love, the name’s Captain Jack Sparrow.” He took her hand in his and placed a chaste kiss on the back of it making her pulse quicken a bit.
Jack Sparrow, now why did that name sound so familiar to her? She just had a huge, long meeting with her father, Teague S-p-a-r-r-o-w, and she’s too thick to figure it out? Not being able to recall where she had heard the name having borrowed an IQ off her belt buckle, she shrugged it off and allowed herself to be entertained by the handsome pirate that had rescued her. After several mugs of rum Tabby stood realizing that she was drunker than she had been in quite some time. Swaying a bit she held onto the table to steady herself. Jack stood up to offer his hand to her. “Going somewhere love?”
“I need to find a place to bunk for the night.” Tabby tried to take a few steps towards the door of the tavern but staggered and nearly tripped over her own feet. In a flash Jack had his arm wound tightly around her waist to keep her from falling.
“Easy love, yer drunk. Let me help ye.”
“I’ll be fine Jack.”
“Love yer three sheets t’ the wind. Hell maybe even four, it’s not a good idea for ye t’ be leaving here alone like this.” I see Rule #1 of the Ten PotC Anti-Sue Commandments is being thoroughly violated.
“Then what do you propose I do Mr. Sparrow?”
“It’s Captain Sparrow love. Now let me walk with ye.”
“Thank you Captain Sparrow, that’s very sweet of you.” Smiling at her Jack started towards the door holding her closely to his side to keep her from falling. Once out of the smoky tavern the night air felt cool and refreshing on her face. “You really don’t have to go to all the trouble of walking me to an inn Jack.” I love that she’s feisty and independent, yet she can only steal boats from old geezers and is only safe walking home when she is being escorted by a man. Ah, Mary Sues: proudly reinforcing 18th century gender conventions while pretending they're tough and spunky!
“Nonsense. Love it’s a mite late for ye t’ find any room at any inns. I’m afraid they’ve already closed for the night.”
“What am I going to do now then?”
“Ye can sleep in my bed.” Now would be a good time to jog your memory about that name…
“Oh?”
“Yes I have a rather large bed back in me cabin on me ship.” Jack grinned at her making her giggle as he wiggled his eyebrows at her suggestively.
“A big bed sounds fantastic! Lead the way Captain Sparrow!” Tabby stumbled as they began walking down the pier towards Jack’s ship. Jack caught her around the waist and hauled her back to an upright position.
“Whoa darling, ye need t’ be careful. That could’ve been a nasty spill.”
“I’m fine.” Without warning Jack was suddenly scooping her up in his arms making her a yelp in surprise. He carried her back to the ship so that she didn’t fall and hurt herself. A fiery and independent spirit, this one. Once onboard the Pearl Jack ascended the steps to his captain’s quarters. He kicked open the door and closed it behind them with his foot. Jack swaggered over to the bed and dumped Tabby onto it.
“Now then let’s get these boots off yer feet savvy?”
“Uh huh.” Tabby held out her feet so that Jack could pull the boots off them easily. Placing the boots on the floor Jack leaned in towards her. Tabby drew in a sharp breath as Jack’s face hovered closely to hers.
“Let’s get rid of the hat darling an’ see that pretty face of yers.” He gently slipped the hat off her head and tossed it onto the table that was nearby. Looking down at her Jack smiled showing off his gold accented grin.Well, at least the ‘accent’ part is right. “ye have the most amazing eyes I’ve ever seen love.”
“Thank you, they’re the same color that my mother’s eyes were.” Jack’s hands slid down to her waist and easily unfastened her belt. Tabby watched as he turned to place her belt that held her sword and pistol onto the table to join her hat. She watched as he removed his own hat and belt to place them on the table with her things. She doesn’t really like doing much, does she? He stepped out of his boots carefully and then swaggered back over to the bed.
Jack climbed onto the bed to stretch out beside her. Tabby turned onto her side to look at him. He was quite possibly the most beautiful man she had ever seen. The kohl that lined his coffee colored eyes Not to be confused with the spark in his chocolate orbs gave him an exotic look. Jack reached out to brush away a strand of hair that was threatening to fall over her eye. The feel of his calloused hand brushing against her silken skin was enough to send shivers through her entire body. Tabby leaned into his palm allowing her eyes to slip closed. She knew she was drunk but found herself not wanting their contact to end. Boldly she scooted closer to him and leaned up to place a chaste kiss on his lips. "Chaste"? They were rough and weathered against her own soft lips. She whimpered a bit when she felt Jack’s hands come up to tangle in her thick hair to deepen the kiss. His tongue slipped into her mouth and swept over her own sending little shockwaves through her body Jack moonlights as an electroshock therapist! that pooled in her lower belly making the place between her thighs begin to ache. "I knew I shouldn’t have sat on top of the ship’s wheel today!"
Tabby squeezed her thighs together to try and calm the throbbing ache Was she sitting on Jack’s compass? that had started between her thighs but was unsuccessful. Jack’s hands left their place in her hair and slid down her back to grab her bottom. Yeah, so…if you guys want to read the rest of this, the link is right up at the top. Me, I’m going to fix myself a stiff drink.