Holy Tezcatlipoca.
This whole fic is centered on the page, and I would hate for my commentary to interfere with this author’s creative formatting. So…kiss left-alignment good-bye, guys! Muahahaha.
TITLE: Chloe
CULPRIT: Sing4mesoftly I think I’ll just wail, if that’s all right with you.
SUMMARY: jack& OC, they thought theyd never see eachother again, but what happenes when they meet, and what happens when they find out everything that's happened in the past five years.?
BEST LINE: All of Chapter One.
…and all of Chapter Two.
THE VERDICT
NAME: Chloee/Chloe Turner
HAIR: “My blonde hair was a mess”
EYES: Not described.
DISTINGUISHING FEATURES: Remember last Suefic, when I so naïvely said, “Thank God that at 15 she’s too young to be [Jack's] One True love”? Well, this girl is also 15. And Jack’s True Love.
What really scares me, though, is that the author is probably that age. I am completely serious when I say that I had a better grasp of grammar, spelling, and punctuation when I was eight. If you don’t believe me, please feel free to compare.
OH SO SPESHUL POSSESSIONS: A private room aboard ship.
OBNOXIOUS AND/OR IMPLAUSIBLE ORIGIN: Will and Elizabeth Turner. I think.
OBNOXIOUS AND/OR IMPLAUSIBLE CANON CONNECTIONS/AFFILIATIONS: Is Will and Elizabeth’s daughter. Is Jack’s One True Jailbait Love.
SOOPER SPESHUL ABILITIES: Feminine wiles.
TRAGIC PAST: None, but there are some injuries in the present day:
“I … tried to locate the split in my head,, it must have been tiny,
because i couldnt find it.”
Hopefully it was the split and not your head that was too tiny to find.
The “Plot”: Our 15-year-old Sue is going around stealing apples, when a navy officer comes up to her and questions her. Sue does a bit of fast-talking (though that might not be the right term here), flirts with him, and then suddenly realizes that she is in a “blackk alley” and this means he thinks she’s a prostitute.
What is a navy officer doing policing the alleys of Port Royal? The only times in PotC that we see them in the streets is when they’re chasing a fugitive they caught near the docks, or when a pirate ship is attacking. But enough of that idiocy…there’s so much more to go.
She allows the officer to bed her, and wakes up the next morning next to private Johnson…
Excuse me. *goes away for a while and cackles madly*
All right, where were we? Ah, yes, Sue wakes up in a “flatt over a butcher shop” next to Johnson’s privates private Johnson, even though she described him before as an officer so maybe he got an overnight demotion? Whatever. I also wonder what kind of parents Will and Elizabeth are that they let their 15-year-old daughter sneak out into dangerous back alleys and bed navy men at random. Anyway, there’s a friend named Grace whose only purpose is to give Sue some whining time: “just because you have a husband who provides for you dosent mean we all do,” “I was sick of port royal,” etc. Because she is, you know. Sue just can't stand Port Royal. Not that she or anyone else gives a reason for it. There’s not even any contrived oppression or abuse for her to angst about. In all honesty, I think the author got bored with things like character development and motivation, so you can guess what’s coming next…
Pirates! They attack, say “ello poppet,” and everything goes black. Sue wakes up on ship, gets scared, opens the door to her private room, goes up on deck and finds no one there, says that she’s near the “back” of the ship, sees a light that leads to another room and goes in. Yeah, nice ship design there, Suethor. It turns out that Sue has been captured by Davy Jones, even though since she’s fifteen and a Turner, Davy Jones has to have been dead for at least twenty-five years. Bizarrely, Davy Jones then calls her “Mrs. Turner.”
…
…
I’ll leave you to figure out that one.
Notes: It’s time for…Guess That Typo! Listen closely, now. The Suethor repeatedly misspells one of these incredibly simple words! Is it:
a) Sure
b) And
c) Through
HAH! Trick question. It’s all of them.
Now, for ten heave_ho points, let’s guess where the author breaks her paragraphs! Is it:
a) At the end of random sentences?
b) At the end of most sentences?
c) In the middle of sentences?
d) All of the above?
DINGDINGDING! Answer “D” is correct. *showers heave_ho-ers with points* Okay, let’s move on to the next category. Which of the following aspects of written language does the author not understand? Is it:
a) Capitalization?
b) Punctuation?
c) Grammar?
d) All of the above?
Oh, you guys are so good! *distributes more points* But I know one little lady who won’t be going home with any points. Yes, I mean you, Miss Sing4mesoftly! I am taking points away from you, your spell-checker, anyone who ever helped you with your homework, and all of your teachers from preschool on. Any leftover points will be donated to the people who did not review Miss Sing4mesoftly’s story! …namely, everyone.
No commentary on the excerpts this time. The author has already made her fic more of a mockery than I ever could.
‘i have absoltley no worries’
''OII'' i twirledd around, unaware of what was going on, i whipped my hand from the fruit cart and looked into the barell of a navy officers gun. ''
What doyou think youre doing there.?'' he asked, i noticed a wedding band on his left hand, and on a secondd nature reaction, i smiled sweetly.
'' oh im sorry officer, i hope you didntt think i wasnt intending to pay for this apple'' i said sweetly, biting into it sweetly. his adam apple trembled,
for a 15year old, i knew how to get out of these situations.
'' No Ma'am not my assumption, But theyre have been outbreakss in this neighborhood of stolen goods and a few murder's as you should be well
aware of'' he stumbled over his words He had a nice face, deep brown eyes and black hair, i chose my words carefully, and then spoke
'' Oh i heard, But with gentleman like you guarding over our little town of port royal, i have absoltley no worries'' i bit into my apple once more.
theyre was silence, an akward silence, where i was sure he was contemplating what he wanted to happen and he finally spoke.
'' Whatss a pretty girl like you doing in this neighborhood at a time like this.?'' he asked, and i giggled.
''Oh I'm pretty am i.?'' i took a look around the alley i found myself in. no wonder he stopped me, the blackk alley, accompanied with a few carts
was entirely empty. it was also located in one of the few neighborhoods in portroyal with a reputation for prostitutes and drunks.
'' Gorgeouss'' he answered, i pulled a Money bag out of my boots and handed him the money for my apple, angry i had been caught
''be sure to give this to him wont you.?'' instead of stuffing it back into my boot, to be sure i was off the hook, i slid it into my bodice, gave a little
wave and started to walk away deeper into the dark. For a few seconds i thought i was good, that i could just go home for once.
''Ma'am.?''he asked. i cursed under my breath, but turned around givingg him my best ' look'
'' Yess, Sir.?'' i repliedd a little less innocentlyy then my tone was before. i gazed into his eyes and saw the yearning in them
'' Can i accompany you home we wouldnt want you to get, taken advantaged of, ms..?'' he trailed off
''' Chloee, Chloe Turner'' I breathed in deeply, ''Actually im in need of a home now, im staying with friends, but yes, you can''
________________________________________
I woke up in the small flatt over a butcher shop, a butcher shop owned by my good friend grace adn her husband james. To my right was private
Johnson.
‘Pirates dont knock Chloe’
I woke up in a dark room. before even realizing the pitch black, i felt a stab of pain in the back of my hand, i held my hand up to the back of my head and felt
blood; it was matted in my hair and flooding my face slowly. i gasped in pain, but quickly panic'd, wondering who can hear me. thats when i realized that i
was in a small room. i Gently picked myself up and looked out the window. i was shocked to see that i was surrounded by ocean. i had been kidnapped. i
sat again and let the wave of reality wash over me. Fighting tears i wandered to the far edge of the room, fondling for a candle.I found a kerosene lamp, and
felt around for a switch. after i overcame my lighting situation. i saw that my room had a bed,& a desk; filled with maps. taking a second look around i
noticed a dress lying on the bed. on the left of it was a note. i opened it with trembling fingers.
Put this on; Follow the noise
Was all it said I hesitantly, and without looking around before hand, stripped and put on the dress, it was a little tight, but im not shure that was a mistake.
it was a scarlett dress, I noticed a jug of water on the desk, using it i washed my face, and tried to locate the split in my head,, it must have been tiny,
because i couldnt find it. Giviing up and putting my hair up, i cautiously opened the door. a defeaning noise errupted from above me. by the look of the
ship it was in bad shape, the cabin painted a bad picture in my head of what the rest of the ship would look like. a thought bolted throughh my head. ''
pirates''as hesitant as i was, i continued on, slowly but shurely. as the noise got louder, i gained courage and walked faster. i came up on deck, and got
hit with a cool breeze. it was windy. i looked around adn no one was around, i was at the back of the ship, so i didnt see who was manning the ship. There
was a light that led to a room; the room where all the noise was coming from. i contemplated on knocking, or going in. pirates dont knock chloe i
reminded myself. so after a few moments, i pushed open the door, to my surprise the noise continued, i was dreading the entrance where everyone stop
and stared. '' mrs turner'' i heard to my right. i turned my head. i was speechless, the creature i saw was neither man nor fish, but his tentacles spouting
from his face and his bulbing figure, not to mention his hands that were similair to a crabs, made it hard to believe he was man. i stumbled over my
words. Oh, I know you did, Suethor. I know you did.
The following Misspelled Monkey is now up for adoption:
Portroyal