Newbie comes bearing gifts
Hello all! I've been lurking around this comm for awhile, and I thought that I'd announce the fact that I've officially joined up with a spork of my very own. I stumbled across this little gem of a badfic last week and thought it would be perfect for my first post...
TITLE: In the Movies
CULPRIT: nuttier-than-an-almond
SUMMARY: A girl gets sucked into her favorite movie. SHe meets the whole cast and falls for a certain fish man. not who you're thinking. R&R No Bashing! OC pairing
BEST LINE:
"Secure her." He pushed me by the arm towards the stairs.
Aye, sir." Maccus took me by the upper arm and pushed me into the mast. He grabbed a rope and tied me to the mast. "Hold on. This will get rough."
THE VERDICT
NAME: Elizabeth Williams (Beth for short)… which is the Suethor’s real name. She completely admits to this being a shameless self-insert.
HAIR: “brown/blond”
EYES: blue
DISTINGUISHING FEATURES: Being the only fifteen-year-old girl aboard the Flying Dutchman
OH SO SPESHUL POSSESSIONS: I think I’ll let the Suethor speak for herself here… “She wore her knee length black coat with a red rose and leaf pattern on the bottom right side. Under that she wore her black Captain Jack Sparrow T-shirt with "Yo ho, a pirate's life for me" lyrics on it and "WANTED" written across the top, and a pair of tan pants tucked into black horse riding boots. Which made no sense seeing that she had no idea how to ride a horse.”
OBNOXIOUS AND/OR IMPLAUSIBLE ORIGIN: Is randomly and inexplicably transported to Port Royal
OBNOXIOUS AND/OR IMPLAUSIBLE CANON CONNECTIONS/AFFILIATIONS: A horribly OOC Davy Jones adopts her, and she gets romantically involved with THIS GUY. Also, Beckett has a crush on her.
SOOPER SPESHUL ABILITIES: Being a rabid PotC fangirl, turning Davy Jones into a sappy father-figure and making the rest of the Flying Dutchman crew devolve into giggling pre-teen girls, turning into a “young woman” with seaweed hair instead of a fish while aboard the Dutchman, the ability to change between first and third person narration at random (even within the SAME PARAGRAPH)… oh, and at the end it turns out that she’s psychic.
THE "PLOT": Sue is magically transported to Port Royal (though we never find out why or how this happened), where she immediately goes about ruining the plot of DMC. Somehow, she ends up on the Dutchman, where she has an oddly pleasant stay and falls in love with the first mate, despite the fact that Sue is FIFTEEN YEARS OLD AND HE IS A SHARK-MAN. At some point, they randomly capture Beckett, who Sue hates and holds captive in the brig until she randomly decides that he’s not so bad and has him released. He then tries to kiss her, at which point her shark-faced boyfriend (in the words of the Suethor) “beats the crap out of him." HA HA! We never hear from Beckett again. Davy Jones, who is so terribly OOC it makes my brain bleed, adopts Sue and decides that he’ll officiate a marriage ceremony between her and his first mate. There is a sickeningly cheesy epilogue about how happy they are together.
NOTES: It will never cease to amaze me how NO ONE in this story, with the sole exception of OOC Davy, finds it odd that Sue is fifteen-years-old and the cursed-for-eternity, half-shark First Mate is in love with her. Also, the Suethor’s running commentary of her own story is priceless.
EXCERPT:
Prologue aka Useless Expoisition
Elizabeth Williams was a normal girl. She went to school, she listened to the radio and watched movies. Her favorite movies were the Pirates of the Caribbean trilogy. She had shirts and a purse with POTC on it. She was the super fan. But she was only just a fan… That is, until a mysterious incident made her part of the action…
Disclaimer: I don’t own Pirates but Elizabeth Williams is mine. She’s totally based on me. Name and all. (Yeah that’s my real name…. Cool huh?) NO.
Now, onto Chapter One: "Huh?" Did I mention that this story has the BEST chapter names that I’ve ever seen?
The world was a fuzzy mess around her...She sat up and rubbed her eyes. She opened them and looked around. She couldn't believe her eyes...She was in... Port Royal? She rubbed her eyes again and shook her head. I have got to be dreaming! She thought. She opened her eyes again and
the place was there. Well, I would hope so… also, why was it necessary to make that a new paragraph?
"Where am I?" Elizabeth asked herself.
"Will!" A woman gasped making Elizabeth turn on her heels.
She quickly walked to a pillar and peeked around it. What she saw made her believe that she was definitely dreaming.
Elizabeth Swan was holding her handcuffed fiancé' William Turner. Standing a few feet back was his shortness Lord Cutler Beckett and Mr. Mercer. Elizabeth Williams clearly likes referring to everyone by their full name.
"You look beautiful." Will said.
"I think it's bad luck to see the bride before the wedding." She said wearily.
Well, Beth thought, if this is a dream no one will mind if I get involved... Right?
Cautiously, she stepped out into the open space beside the pillar. Since no one paid her any mind she advanced through the crowd of over dressed bystanders. On the way women and men gave her disgusted looks because of how she was dressed. She wore her knee length black coat with a red rose and leaf pattern on the bottom right side. Under that she wore her black Captain Jack Sparrow T-shirt with "Yo ho, a pirate's life for me" lyrics on it and "WANTED" written across the top, and a pair of tan pants tucked into black horse riding boots. Which made no sense seeing that she had no idea how to ride a horse. (Yeah that's really how I dress. Got a problem with it?) Yes. Yes, I do have a problem with it.
As she got to the front she bumped into a larger man. She looked up as he turned around to her.
"Sorry." She said sheepishly.
"Humph!" The man turned away from her, but others turned their attention to her. BTW, that’s the Suethor bolding random words in her sentences, not me.
"Who are you?" The young bride asked." What are you wearing?" It’s an excellent question. I want to know the same thing.
"M-my name's Elizabeth Williams but you can call me Beth." She stuttered.
"Really?" The two convicts asked in unison.
"Yeah I know." She nodded. "My name's a combination of both of yours. Cool huh?" For the second time, no, your name is not “cool.”
"I find nothing cold about it." Beckett said from behind her making a huge grin come to Beth's face.
She spun around brightly and smiled at the man. "Hello, lord Beckett -she said with a bow- it's a pleasure to meet you, sir." The sentence structure she uses with her dialog is so masterfully crafted…
"Mm-hm" He looked her up and down then addressed the guards. "Take them to their cell. They have a date with the gallows at noon tomorrow."
The guards grabbed the two by the arms pulling them apart. THEY PULLED THEIR ARMS OFF?
"On what charges?!" Elizabeth Shrieked (She’d changed her last name, as she felt that ‘Swann’ was too delicate-sounding for her) as she was handcuffed.
" The charges are conspiring to set free a man convicted of piracy and condemned to death. For which the penalty..." Beth stopped seeing everyone's eyes on her. "EW! GET THEM OFF GET THE OFF GET THEM OFF!" Sue screamed. "I'm sorry did you want to say it?" She asked Beckett who was looking at her, dumbfounded.
"For which the penalty is also death... How did you know that?"
"I know a lot. I also know that you want a certain compass and why you want it. “Beth smiled before realizing she said it. "I probably shouldn't have said that."
Becket stepped forward to her with narrowed eyes. "How do you know about the compass?"
"I, uh, I'm physic?" The worst part is that she’s kidding now, but give it a few chapters and she’ll actually have a vision.
I’m going to have to start skipping around a bit here to get to the best parts. Basically, all you missed is Sue making a deal with Beckett to get Jack’s compass, so she goes with Will to the Island of the Pelegostas to find him. This chapter, which is randomly in first instead of third peron, enuses. Here's a sample:
And he made it to the ship, of course. Will introduced me to the crew and Captain Jack himself.
"Jack this is Elizabeth. She's a psychic." *snorfle* Will said motioning towards me.
I gave a shy grin. "You can call me Beth for short."
He studied me for a minute. "Where abouts are you from?"
"Florida" I said.
"funny he said dully. "You don't look or sound Spanish." There’s that fantastic sentence structure again.
I forgot that around this time only Spain had been there. That's right; the actual country of Spain was moved to Florida, and no one else was allowed to go there because Spain was on top of it. I asked my History Professor and he said it's true. "I'm half German half Irish." Hopefully he'd buy that. not many people around this time had my accent. I don't think anyone did.
"Ah. Well that may explain your weird accent." Yes! *facepalm*
There are a few chapters here that explain how she ends up on the Flying Dutchman, but I find them boring, so we’re going to jump ahead a bit. The narration has now changed back to third person. I think it’s also worth mentioning that this chapter is titled “Holy Crap!”
Life aboard the Dutchman wasn't as bleak as depicted in the films. There were men laughing and jeering and.. well being men. There were ponies and rainbows and cotton candy, and every night, the fairies came out of the sea and sang to them. The only thing really bizarre was there appearance. Beth was led aboard the ship by Maccus and thrown into the Jones' cabin. Wait... "the Jones' cabin"? So, either there's an entire family living on that ship, or there is no one else in the world with the last name of Jones... just like no one but Spain is allowed in Florida... hmmm. She was to wait there for him until his work was finished. 'Till then she was left alone to marvel at the horrifying beauty of the magnificent organ in the back of the room. Apparently that damn pipe organ is so good-looking that it instills fear in all who look upon it. They're frightened because they know that they'll never measure up to its complete and total perfection. It's how OOC Davy maintains his power over the crew. His is a reign of terror.
"Get a good look?" Jones asked out of no where.
"Ah!" Beth jumped away from the organ and turned to face him. "Jesus Christ! Don't do that!" She said gripping at her chest. I like to imagine that what the Suethor means here is that the Sue grabbed her own boobs in sheer terror.
"Who told you about the chest-uh?" He demanded.
"No one. I found out myself." She gasped. "Some people call it "psychic". I call over obsession." And I call it lame.
"Hm." Jones walked around her to his chair and sat. "So, this Cutler Beckett man is after the chest... Why?"
"I've already told you. He wants to wipe out piracy." she walked over to a unkempt and unused bed and seated herself on it What is it with these Suethors and thinking that there were actual BEDS on these ships?. "Little does he know, that's not possible, much like this bed that I’m sitting on right now."
"Why's that-uh?" Jones asked lighting his pipe
"Because, as long as there are laws, there are going to people to break them. There's no real 'bad people' in the world. Just people doing what they can to survive in it." Beth said astonished by how wise she made herself sound. She’s easily impressed.
"Uh-huh." He nodded once and took a puff of whatever was in that pipe of his. TABACCO. You get this thing called PIPE TABACCO to put in your pipe. It's a radical concept, I know, but you gotta trust me on this one. What does this Suethor think that these people have been smoking this whole time? You know what, don't answer that. "And why do you care what happens to us pirates?"
"Because..." She paused to think. "I hate when people die just to benefit one man's selfish fantasy!" She stood, fists clenched. "All my life I've felt unwanted and like I wasn't a help to anyone. But now, now i can help some one. I can be the one to get a pat on the back and be the person they thank. That's all I've wanted for the longest time. Now it's happening to me." She looked up to see him raising and eyebrow at her. Now she felt stupid. "Sorry." She sat down with a beet-red face.
"Do you have a name?" IC Davy would have “beat the crap out of her” for that entire paragraph of utter stupidity without asking such questions. Or at least, that’s what I would do.
"Elizabeth Williams. You can call me Beth for short, Captain." She said awkwardly addressing him. It's so hard to write on slimey squid men. But it had to be done, as no one would make boxes for packages of this size for another 200 years. And she had to mail him out soon, or her relatives in Spain wouldn't get their Christmas present on time.
"Well, Beth, you may have just saved your hide." He stood and limped passed her across the room. He opened the door saying. "Follow me."
Below deck had a orange glow form the dim candle light. Jones opened a door that she didn't recognize. It obviously wasn't a main part or of the films. He reached in and pulled out a bundle of cloth and threw it at Beth. She unraveled it. It was a pair of slacks a white shirt and dark tan vest. She looked at the captain questioningly. It’s ok, Sue, I don’t know how to put clothes on, either.
"If yer goin' to help pirates, yer goin' to dress like one."
Beth grinned broadly. "Thank you, sir." She looked around. "Where do I change at?" IC Davy would have beat her for that flagrant violation of grammar as well.
Jones rolled his eyes and signed. OOC Davy is fluent in sign language. "You can borrow my cabin for five minutes. Hurry up."
"Thank you!" She giggled and ran off to the cabin getting strange looks from the crew as she ran to the cabin and slammed the door. Will someone PLEASE flog her, already?
The clothes fit her well. They must've belonged to one of the crewmen when he was young, pirates being the sentimental sort who always kept their favorite clothes from childhood on board their ships with them. She walked out and looked around for Davy or a familiar face. Atop the mast She saw angler and wheelback tying up one of the sails. She walked to the rails and looked down into the crystal clear ocean. She let out a weary sigh. Did her family know she was gone? Would they notice? If you have to ask, chances are you don’t want to know the answer. If she did make it home, would she show up in they last place in time she remembered before the Port Royal incident? The waves gently rocked the Dutchman, toying with it ever so slightly. She faced the sky and saw a baby blue horizon looming in front of her. This world was truly b-e-a-utiful. As opposed to the regular kind?
"Ya loose somethin'?" A voice from behind her asked.
She turned around looking up into the face of Maccus, the hammer head man. "N-no." She stammered stupidly. "I was just looking at the sea. It's very pretty."
"Aye." He nodded and walked to the rail beside her. "That be what draws men out here. The beauty of it. Ya could compare it to a woman I guess... for example, they're both so deep and... vast... and salty... and full of whales."
She looked at him, dumbstruck.
"What?" He grimaced. "Was it the whale thing? Was that too personal?"
"Why are you being nice to me?" She asked. “I pegged you for a more...I dunno, rude and angry type of guy. No offence intended."
"What makes you think I'm not?" He scowled at her. "Look, the captain told me to watch ya so I am."
"Oh, well, thanks I guess." She rubbed her neck shyly. Her face felt really warm for some reason.
"Well, don't start any trouble. I'll get a kiss from the cat-O-nines if you do." He Turned his back and walked over to where some men were playing liars dice and his voice was drowned out by the laughter.
She turned back to the water smiling. Her face was hot and red. This was a rare thing for her but she was pretty sure what it was. She had a crush on Maccus. Oh, boy... I think the word the Suethor was really looking for is: “WHY?!”
Next chapter, in which the Sue is annoying and gets what she deserves… Note how the narration in this chapter changes from third to first person AGAIN.
I spent my days watching the crew and learning how they lived. I loved to watch them play their games. Sure, they could get violent, but what do you expect? It was all in good fun. I had my share of water buckets dumped on me. Yes, you just read that correctly. The worst thing that’s happened to her so far is that someone dumped a bucket of water on her head. I am awed at the Suethor’s blatant disregard of cannon. Of coarse they got in trouble for it. Davy was obviously in no hurry to go after the chest, I mean, why would he be? It’s not like there’s anything important in the chest… oh, wait. He didn't believe that it was really in danger. He can't say I didn't warn him when he dies... For a couple reasons...
"Hey, Bootstrap." I waved to bill as he walked by. I finally met him on my second day there. It’s just such a big ship. People get lost on that thing all the time, and no one will see them for days.
"Hey." He stopped walking. He was carrying a bucket of sea water to scrub the deck with. "You lost again?" OH GOD, I WAS KIDDING.
"No!" I crossed my arms at him. "Do I need an excuse to say hello?"
"No I guess not." He shook his head twice.
"You need a hand?" I asked nodding at the bucket and rag.
"Nay, I got it. Besides ye aren't part of the crew. we can't put you to work." Lies.
"Come on." I uncrossed my arms and walked towards him. "I need to do something. I'm bored out of my mind!" I’m sure I would be too. All that hard labor that IC Davy would have put her to can be so dull. Not to mention the beatings. Boooooooring.
He looked down at me silently be fore sighing. "Alright. Ye can help a little."
"Thank you." I nodded in thanks and took the bucket from him and followed him around the ship. She is the most annoying person on the face of the PLANET.
Anyway, she tortures Bootstrap for a while with questions about Maccus, because she liiiiiikes hiiiiimmmmm (*gag*), and then Davy Jones decides to take the ship underwater for no apparent reason.
"Going down!"
Down?! I ran out on deck as the crew were bracing themselves for the dive. I ran to the upper deck to where OOC Davy was standing.
"Captain?!" I panicked. "Down?! I can't breath under water!"
"You'll be fine." He glanced down at me. Curse my five-foot-three-ness! PRICELESS "Maccus!"
"Aye!" He climbed the stairs and stood at attention in front of his captain.
"Secure her." He pushed me by the arm towards the stairs.
Aye, sir." Maccus took me by the upper arm and pushed me into the mast. He grabbed a rope and tied me to the mast. "Hold on. This will get rough." AHA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA!
Sue doesn’t actually drown, unfortunately for us. They find the Black Pearl and try to make a deal with Jack. I find it hilarious how the Suethor explains how Sue gets on the Pearl… apparently, Bootstrap teleports her there “Nightcrawler style.” Anyway, just like in the movie, Jack doesn’t cooperate with Jones, and Will ends up on the Dutchman just in time to get flogged. This is the last glimpse of cannon that the readers of this story will ever see. It's all downhill from here, folks. Also, have I mentioned that life on board the Flying Dutchman seems like a lot of fun? I don't know about the movies, but in this fic, everyone is just having a dandy time.
Jones was about to talk when he saw Beth out of the corner of his eye. He looked at Maccus and jerked his head toward his cabin. With a nod Maccus grabbed the short, boyish girl and towed her away from the crowd. And then they finally beat her.
"H-Hey!" She yelled and she stumbled along after him. "What's goin' on?!"
"Captain doesn't want ye out there during that." He said without looking at her. Why? I mean, let's face it, if Davy Jones were actually in character, the Sue would be the one getting whipped right now.
She huffed"I can walk ya know!" She said trying pull her arm free from his clawed hand.
The First mate opened the door to the Captain's cabin and dragged the tantrum throwing teen in. He forced her to sit down on the bed. He sat down in a chair Davy had brought in For Beth. Jones was keeping her in with him so she wouldn't be hurt. He had a bit of a father complex. OOC Davy is such a softy…
Beth looked at Maccus who was inspecting his ax. "What are you still doin' here?"
"When you came on the ship the captain put you in my charge." He said without looking at her. "I'm to stay with ye 'till the captain get's here."
Elizabeth pulled her feet onto the bed and rested her head on her knees. He made it sound like I was a child. I guess to them I was. Being fifteen almost sixteen I was nothing but a small child with psychic powers. Maybe she should find another guy to like. There’s that lovely change in narration again... is it bad that I’m more preoccupied with where this “ax” came from and what he's going to do with it than why the Suethor can’t seem to remember if she’s writing a story in first of third person?
The next part of the story is so boring, that it isn’t worth posting. Basically, Maccus has a crush on Sue, which doesn’t make OOC Davy very happy, and they capture Beckett and put him in the brig, where everyone (except for Will and Sue) forgets about him for the next… two chapters.
"Why did you send Jack off and keep me here?" William asked.
"He's safely out of the way aint he?" Beth asked looking over her shoulder at the young man. "You stayed 'cause I knew yer father wanted to see ya before it was too late."
"I see," Will said looking at the wet freshly swabed floor. *snicker snicker* "What about Beckett?"
Beth stopped mopping and thought for a minute. She didn't know how to explain it to him where it would make sense. In fact, she didn't know how to explain ANYTHING in a way that made sense. She looked up at Will and smiled. "Like ya said. I'm psychic."
"But, what does that have to do with it?" Will asked sitting on a wodden crate, as all of the wooden crates were already taken.
She sighed and slapped the mop back onto the wood angrily. "He's evil and malevolent. He deserves the worst punishment imaginable." She smiled happily up at the young turner. Wow, bipolar much? "So I decided to keep him here. He can't kill ayone if he's locked up in the brig for the rest of his ucursed life.”
Will raised his brow at her. "I won't ask."
"It's better that ya don't." She laughed a little then went back to her work. Clearly, this Sue is mentally unstable. And I don't just mean 15-year-old-with-out-of-control hormones unstable, I mean she's going to kill someone with her boyfriend's "ax" unstable.
"Here comes shark head." Will warned standing up. The best part is how Will is the ONLY person who seems to notice that this guy isn’t even human.
Blah blah blah, Sue and fish boy get into a fight.
"Can ye at least tell me what I did?!" She shouted franticly after him. She huffed and sat down in a dry spot on the floor. "I will never understand that man!"
"You consider him a man?" Will asked curioslly leaning on the wooden wall. As opposed to the non-wooden ones? What does this Suethor think that the ship is made of?
"You don't?" She looked up at him with a raised eyebrow.
"No PERIOD. END OF SENTENCE, I do It's just." He paused and continued quietly. I'm no expert, but isn't it impossible to pause and continue at the same time? Even just a little bit? "Most women are very superficial. Excuse me?! Either this Suethor just insulted me, or she just insulted me. They wouldn't even consider him human much less a man. Why do you?"
She looked toward the stairs then at the floor. "Because, even though they don't look it, all of these men are human on the inside. OOOOH, she's out to make Sue seem different than "most women." I get it. This Sue is sensative and deep... and full of whales! They're just like anyone else. They bleed just like you and me." FALSE.
Will just smiled and nodded. Beth smiled back and stood. "I have to finish up here then go patch the sails. That'll be fun." she said sarcasticly. If you haven't noticed, the sails on the Flying Dutchman are COVERED in algae. I think they're beyond needing to be patched.
"Don't I hope you fall off!" Will laughed as he walked up on deck.
"Bite me!" She shouted after him making him laugh. Life on the Dutchman is just so pleasant. Maybe I should start taking my vacations there.
She finished all of her chores hard labor for the day and was crawling into her bunk for the night. She slipped under her soggy blanket and closed her eyes. She'd gotten a new bed in the captain's cabin and was feeling right at home. OOC Davy had become her adopted father and was treating her as such. The new bed was a lot more comfortable than the musty old hammock she had before. There is so much that’s wrong with this paragraph, I don’t even know where to begin.
And then Davy Jones comes to tuck Sue in:
She looked at the floor and sat glumly as the ship rocked. There was nothing she could say. She liked Maccus back but how could she tell him without getting in trouble. Getting in trouble was This is my favorite part of the chapter: one of hermany paranoias. HA HA HA HA HA! Jones just stood and walked over. He sat beside her and patted her slick green tinged hair. He laid her down and pulled the blanket over her.
Later, it's time for a game of Liar's Dice.
"Who wants in?" Jimmylegs called out fgrom his place at the liars dice tabble. It wasn't really a table, just a board held up by some crates.
"I'm in." Maccus said in his normal gruff manner.
The bosun smirked and looked around for another victim of his unmerciful bets. He always made people do what they didn't want to if they lost. Oh no! Anything but that! Unlucky for her Beth came out and was caught by his gaze. "You! Lass! Come here!"
She turned and walked over with a confused expression. "Yeah?"
"Sit down!" He shoved her down onto a crate between him and Maccus. "Ye ever played before?"
"No. But I've seen it." She said flatly but her voice ripe with curiosity.
"Well, now ye can learn properly." He looked up at Maccus. "Is it alright with ye?"
"Fine." He anwered simply. "The stakes?"
"If I win ye have to do whatever I think up." The bosun cackled looking between is opponents. I can see where this is going, and I don’t like it.
"And if he wins?" Beth asked getting looks from the two men. "What? I know I won't win."
"Then he can give me five lashes with me own whip." He grimmaced. But, he wasn't afraid. He never lost. As you can see, the games on board the ship, much like the hard labor, were not very much fun.
"Deal." Maccus said with a smirk. Jimmy offering his whip to someone was a serious bet. By now many of the crewmen had gathered around.
They play. Jimmy wins.
Beth leaned on the table with her face resting in the palm of her right hand. "So what do ya want me to do?"
Jimmy chuckled and leaned back on his crate. His smile reeked of cruel intentions. "Ye have to kiss Maccus." Thre was a series of "Oohs." and gasping laughed from the crewmen standing around them. Ok, really? REALLY? What are they, twelve-year-old girls??? But wait, it gets BETTER.
"What?!" The two shouted at once.
"Ye heard me. Get on with it, missy wench." He said in his usual threatening manner *hintstomakingthefishpeoplesodamnpolitehint*, making a gesture at the first mate.
She looked over at him with a blush making her whole face red. She looked down at her lap. "I don't know how." *Falls over*
"Huh?" Jimmy asked raising his brow at her.
"I've never kissed anyone before." She mumbled embarrassedly.
"Oh, well, in that case." the bosun looked at maccus. "Ye kiss her then. Not just a peck. Full on french her." LMAO! I'm... not even gonna touch this one.
After the shenanigans of Liar’s Dice, Sue remembers that she needs to feed Beckett. As you could probably guess, the next few chapters consist of Beckett tryin to holla at a 15-year-old girl. Let’s play a game, shall we? It's called "count how many ridiculous (to put it mildly) things the Suethor says in this next passage ALONE"
She decide that it was time to send Beckett somehing to eat. He'd been tortured enough. So, she whent to the pantry 1 and found food that none of the men liked 2. They claimed it was ladie food 3. It was sweet bread and buttermilk, well, butter 4. She put that and some meat in a basket 5 and carried it down to the brig. Cutler Beckett was right where she had left him. Leaning against the wall of his cell staring at the ceiling. He looked over when she pulled a stool over and sat. He looked so depressing. His once crisp jacket was now dirty and in shambles and his face was streaked with grime. He'd even taken his wig off and used it as a cusion for his head when he slept on the floor. His hair was a dark brown and fell to his jaw. He'd also become very thin and weak from lack of food and proper exercise. He'd given up his pacing when he realized no one was oing to let him out.
Beth slid the basket through a small hole in the bars. 6 "Here."
He looked at her funny and said, "Why are you giving this to me now?"
"I may hate you but no one deserves to starve to death." She said with a bowed head. Her bleeding heart was a trait she'd had even in the real world.
Beckett crawled over and sat closer to the bars. He pulled the bread out and broke a piece off. He chewed i slowly. He swallowed and looked up at her. "Thank you, Elizabeth." She could tell he felt awkward saying her name. After all the last Elizabeth he'd encoutered held a gun to his throat. 7
"You can call me Beth," She told him with a smile.
He nodded. He continued his meal in silence.
Beth considered walking away but didn't want him to be left alone down here. He'd done many bad things.. or at least he was supposed to, but he wasn't so bad when he wasn't being macho in front of his men 8. But Beth had gotten herself involved and messed every thing up. AT LAST! THE SUETHOR SPEAKS SENSE! She'd completly altered the story. She'd captured Cutler Beckett, made Maccus a main character, gotten the bosun in touble, turned Davy jones, the feared ruler of the seas, into a dottting parent, and taken Jack out of the picture entirely. Who knows where he went. 9, 10, 11, 12… At least she seems to realize how bad this story is…
"I hear you sing at night," Beckett said randomly. 13!!!
"Oh, really?" She said with a slight blush.
"Yes YA RLY. You're quite good, actually," He said.
"Thank you. But, I'm not really that good," She said brushing her hair behind one ear.
"Why don't you sing one for me now?" He asked.
She looked at him with wide eyes and a bight red blush. "I-I don't know..."
"Please?" He said immitating her childish whine. 14
She giggled. "Okay,I can try. Just don't do that again."
Beckett re-situated leaning against the bars. He looked at her out of the corner of his eye and smirked. Beth smiled lightly and took a deep breath. She'd never sang infront of other people. Only with her radio in her bedroom at home. She remembered a song by Carrie Underwood. *headdesk* It was a very good song and once again not a very good song to sing aboard the Dutchman. She took another deep breath and started. The Suethor includes the lyrics for the entire song here... but I don't hate you guys that much.
Sue convinces Jones to free Beckett. They have many adventures in mopping. Like this one:
She tied a rope to the handle of the bucket and swung it overboard. It splashed down into the water. She pulled it up and dropped it again till it had enough water to use for a good while. What? I don't understand why you would do this... She began to pull it up. It was very heavy even though she'd worked up some mustle sinse she'd come aboard. She leaned on the rail and pulled with all of her streangth. Water was really heavy! *headdesk again*
Suddenly the bat jolted as they hit a reef, but the ship was uneffected. She shreiked and fell foreward over the rail of the ship. FINALLY. Beth sut her eyes tight. She expected to fall, to hit the waters How many "waters" are there? Are there, like, layers of ocean and air below the ship or something? I guess the phrase "sail the seven seas" just took on a whole new meaning. like she had before. But it didn't come. She felt strong hands holding her by the arm. She opened her eyes to see Cutler Beckett leaning over the rail reaching down to her. I’ve run this scenario through my head over and over, and I’m fairly certain that the only way she could have been caught by the arm would be if she purposely flipped over quickly and held her arms up over her head; which makes me wonder just what this Sue was doing as she fell.
"Give me your other hand," He told her.
She let go of the rope and grasped his hand as tight as she could. This made me sad. I'm not going to lie, I cared more about that bucket than I did about this Sue. He pulled her upward and over the rail again. She hled on to him even after she was safely on her feet again. Her hands were holding tightly on his wrists and his on hers. Her heart was racing as she looked up at him. No offense, Suethor, but you'd have to be pretty small to "look up" at Beckett. Maybe she'll blame her "five-foot-three-ness" again.
"Are you alright?" He asked, but was quickly overcome by the realization that he didn't actually care. Swiftly acting to restore cannon, Beckett picked her up and threw her overboard. "What a shame," He mused to himself as he peered over the railing, "That was such a nice bucket."
She was breathing heavily but managed to speak a few words. "Yes..I'm okay."
Just then something happened. She couldn't tell what but Beth saw Cutler as a different person. He didn't seem to be the ruthless tyrant she'd known but a more gentle person. His long brown hair was un tied and blowing in the calm wind and his eyes a kind hazel. He looked like a more sophisticated, not quiete as rough, Will. Even though he was dirty, greasy and missing one sleeve of his shirt he was very attractive. Although she had no idea why her perception of him changed now. *headdesk headdesk headdesk headdesk headdesk headdesk headdesk headdesk headdesk*
Later, Beckett kisses her…
"I have you say, even though you're turning in to a fish," He walked up a stair closer. "You are rather attractive. The green brings out your blue eyes. And you've really grown." He smirked as he looked her over.
She tried desperately to pull away. He yanked her arm and pulled her in to a rough kiss. She screamed a against him. She tried to push him away but his arms held her still. The cut on her lip reopened and she could taste the blood. She felt his hands on her waist and squirmed to try to get away. In desperation she grabbed the bucket that was still in his hands and clubbed him over the head with it. Apparently, the Dutchman has a stockpile of buckets, you know, just in case incompetant Sues accidentally fall overboard with any of them.
"Ah!" He gripped his head in pain as she ran up the steps and on deck.
She ran into Maccus and rushed behind him.
"What's wrong?" He asked.
"B-B- Beckett," She stuttered.
Maccus turned to face her and put his hands on her shoulders. "Beckett what?
"H-He kissed me," She cried. Even though she just spent an entire chapter talking about how he wasn't actually that bad. You can't have it both ways, Suethor.
Maccus growled with rage, "Don't worry, I'll take care of 'im." He rushed her hair I'm not sure what this means. Even without the type-o, it doesn't make a lot of sense for him to take out a comb and start playing with her odd seaweed hair at this preticular moment. and turned around to where Beckett was coming out clutching the bump on his head. Maccus charged him and slammed him into the wall by his collar. "You disgusting worm! I should rip you open!"
The crew men had started to gather. Bootstrap hurried to Beth's side.
"Ye okay?" He asked.
"I'm fine," She said wiping blood from her mouth.
"Here," Will said dabbing her lip with a piece of cloth.
Beckett gagged as Maccus choked him.
"How dare you kiss her!" Maccus punched Beckett in the face leaving cuts where the barnacles hit him.
"What is goin' on here-uh?" Jones stormed out of his cabin angrily. He stopped when he saw Maccus beating the crap out of Beckett. HA HA HA HA HA HA! He stomped over. "What is the meanin' of this?"
"The man kissed Beth," Koleniko said pointing at Beckett. "Maccus is straitenin' him out."
"Oh, well in that case," Jones walked over to Jimmylegs and took his whip. He threw it to Maccus who caught it in his more human hand. "Thirty lashes-uh at the least!" After this, we never hear from Beckett again. I can only hope that he died and was released from the horrible world of this fic.
At this point, Sue and Maccus awkwardly confess their loooooove for each other. After I'd recovered from the initial horror, I read on to find that I was in for some sort of freaky fish-person wedding... and all of the improvement that I'd made in the therepy I'd been through because of this fic was quickly undone. I envy Beckett's fate.
"What about me?" A gruff voice asked from behind her.
"Let's see," Beth said turning around with a smirk, "Have ya been a good boy today, Macky?" *HURLS*
"That's all point of view," Maccus said walking so close he was almost touching her.
"Maccus, yer gonna get us in trouble," She said sternly but with a smile.
"No I'm not," He put his hands on her hips and kissed the side of her face. Just as a reminder, the Sue is being kissed by a guy who looks like THIS. Just in case you forgot.
"Yer in a good mood," Beth said leaning into him.
"Why shouldn' I be?" He whispered in her ear, "I have the most beautiful woman teenage girl in the world all to myself," He kissed her neck softly.
"Okay, okay, stop. I just remembered that you are a SHARK and I am FIFTEEN, making this the creepiest make-out session ever written." She told him pushing him away, "What are you doing?"
He touched held her face in one hand as he kissed a line on hjer neck, I'm sorry, but why would ANYONE want someone with a mouth like his that close to their neck? If one of them moves suddenly, his teeth will sever her artery and she'll bleed out faster than you can say........... OOOOOH. On second though, procede, freaky shark-man. Procede. "I'm wooing you. Is that bad?"
"In public, yes!" She said trying to lean away. I would say that it’s bad in general.
He sighed and stepped back, "Yer right. I'm sorry, but I have no idea how to properly punctuate my dialog."
Beth took his hand in her much smaller one, "Come on," She pulled him along behind her as she walked down below deck. She shut the door then turned back to Maccus. "What's goin' on? Yer actin' weird, and your terrible habit of ending sentences with commas is spreading to me."
He looked at the floor shepishly, "I was sorta buildin' up to this but I guess it can't wait, as evidenced by the fact that this sentence never actually ends. It's the third time the Suethor has forgotten how periods and commas work, btw."
Beth raised her brow in confusion, "What are ya talkin' about?"
He walked over and took her newly green hands in his. Maccus inhaled deaply. This worried Beth. He wasn't normally someone to get nervous. He’s pregnant.
"I know we've only known each other fer about a year," He started, "But I can't wait any longer, and I just can't get the hang of using a period to end my statements."
"Maccus?" She askedlooking into his blue-green eyes.
"I want to spend the rest of my eternety on this ship with you," Maccus said with a smile.
Beth couldn't breath. She'd wanted this for so long. Even before she'd come to this world. Even though she was only a teenager. Here, in this time, age didn't matter. Ok, somebody here needs to get a better grip on reality before writing fanfiction, and I’m pretty sure that it isn’t me.
"Beth," Maccus knelt in front of her, "Will you marry me?"
They’re getting married THAT DAY. The Dutchman randomly comes across the Black Pearl, but Davy Jones informs Jack that there will be no more fighting, as there’s going to be a marriage on board the ship that day. NO ONE thinks that this is weird. They teleport a screaming Elizabeth over to the Dutchman to help Sue get into her wedding dress. Then Sue and Tia Dalma have this conversation:
"Get Calypso for me. I really wanna talk to her before we do this," The younger Elizabeth said politely.
"I'll go get her, or at least I would, if I knew who you were talking about, because AWE hasn’t happened yet. Do you mean TIA DALMA? I can go get her, I guess." The older wench walked out and shut the door. Can you see what I did there? The Suethor forgot a noun, so I put in "wench." I crack myself up sometimes... woooooooo... wow, that was so lame.
A long few minuted later there was a light knock at the door.
"Who is it?" Beth asked as she pulled her hair into a shining pony tail. Her seaweed hair was so much more tame than her old hair. It would also be easier to rip, as I'm sure would happen if you tried to put seaweed hair into a ponytail. At least, it would if the Sue does this the same way I would go about it. Furthermore, ew. Seaweed is slimey and it smells bad. Wow, I sure am jealous of this Sue's "much more tame" seaweed hair.
"You wished to speak wit me, child?" Calypso asked walking in.
"Aye," Beth said turning around, "I did, but then I decided that I'd rather just go flog myself. You know, TIA DALMA, I wish that the Suethor would actually end her sentances with periods so that no one could, oh I don't know, add silly things onto them for their own amusement."
Blah blah blah, boring dialog… I’ll just cut to the chase.
"Who are you?" She asked.
"Elizabeth Williams. Adopted daughter of Davy Jones," The girl said with a nod.
"Adopted daughter?" Calypso asked in obvious disbelief.
"Yes. He took me in. I have yet to figure out why," Join the club. Beth said brushing through her pony tail.
"So, you care a lot for him do you?" The goddess asked.
"I am only second to you," Beth replied, even though that didn’t really answer the question. "I know you still love him I've seen it. I know the story of your love and I know how it will end if this charade continues," Beth said pulling out her nice words, which she kept in a pretty bag next to her improbable bunkbed, "Please, go to him, tell him what you feel. Tell him you didn't mean to leave him. Before it's too late. This may be the only second chance you get, as is the nature of a second chance. After that, it's your third. Oh my, did the Suethor forget to use a period again?"
The woman smiled at Beth and touched her head, "I sense a touch of destiny about you as well Elizabeth. Yer insight is great, not only into the supernatural, but into the reality. You will be a powerful goddess someday," WHUT... WAIT. EXCUSE ME? OK, THE ABSOLUTE RIDICULOUSNESS OF THAT SENTENCE JUST MADE ME FORGET ABOUT HOW THE SUETHOR ONCE AGAIN NEGLECTED TO PROPERLY PUNCTUATE IT. THERE'S NO WAY I JUST READ THAT CORRECTLY. *Goes back and re-reads* Well, crap.
"Goddess?" Beth asked with wide eyes.
"Yes, child, one more powerful than I. But it will not come easy. With great power comes great responsibility" Wow. That was familiar. Maybe because the Suethor stole it from another movie. "You must learn to control yer gift, and all the darkness that comes wit it. If you do dat yer life and love will last foreva," She pulled back her hand.
"Thank you, Calypso," Beth said with a smile.
"Now you must go," The goddess told her, "Yer husband waits,I AM OUT OF WITTY THINGS TO SAY, JUST LEARN TO USE A PERIOD, ALREADY. I mean, really. Why is this suddenly such a problem? I just don't understand."
Beth nodded and walked to the bed. She picked up a small bouquet of flowers (small meaning about three) one of the men, she was betting on Koleniko, had gotten her. Ok, I want to know where one gets even three flowers IN THE MIDDLE OF THE OCEAN. He'd gotten very sweet over the year... but little did she know that this was only a ploy to make her think that she had sucessfully destroyed all traces of cannon characterization, to lull her into a false sense of security. Then, the crew would ATTACK. The young woman walked to the door and grasped the knob. She glanced back at Calypso who gave her a kind nod. Beth smiled thankfully. She looked back at the cabin door. Her breath hitched in her throat. She felt dizzy but it was nice... this whole day was so nice... the ship was just sooooo nice... and the crew were all sooooooo niiiiice... and that door was shooo niiiiicheee... the Sue then fell to the floor with a thud. She had been drugged by IC Davy, who wanted his damn ship back. She felt a rush like nothing else in the world. Hundreds of negative thoughts whirled through her mind as she held onto that door. With as much courage as she could muster she pushed those thoughts to the back of her mind, pulled open the door and stepped out into her new life.
There’s an epilogue here about how Maccus and Beth have been married happily for two years and now have a hideous sea monster of a son named, of all things, Damien. Also, she’s pregnant again. Oh, the tomfoolery! The author ends the story by saying this:
Feel free to continue to review even though it's done. If anyone wants to write a sequal go ahead!
I’m not sure what a “sequal” is, but I still sincerely hope that NO ONE takes her up on that offer.
TITLE: In the Movies
CULPRIT: nuttier-than-an-almond
SUMMARY: A girl gets sucked into her favorite movie. SHe meets the whole cast and falls for a certain fish man. not who you're thinking. R&R No Bashing! OC pairing
BEST LINE:
"Secure her." He pushed me by the arm towards the stairs.
Aye, sir." Maccus took me by the upper arm and pushed me into the mast. He grabbed a rope and tied me to the mast. "Hold on. This will get rough."
THE VERDICT
NAME: Elizabeth Williams (Beth for short)… which is the Suethor’s real name. She completely admits to this being a shameless self-insert.
HAIR: “brown/blond”
EYES: blue
DISTINGUISHING FEATURES: Being the only fifteen-year-old girl aboard the Flying Dutchman
OH SO SPESHUL POSSESSIONS: I think I’ll let the Suethor speak for herself here… “She wore her knee length black coat with a red rose and leaf pattern on the bottom right side. Under that she wore her black Captain Jack Sparrow T-shirt with "Yo ho, a pirate's life for me" lyrics on it and "WANTED" written across the top, and a pair of tan pants tucked into black horse riding boots. Which made no sense seeing that she had no idea how to ride a horse.”
OBNOXIOUS AND/OR IMPLAUSIBLE ORIGIN: Is randomly and inexplicably transported to Port Royal
OBNOXIOUS AND/OR IMPLAUSIBLE CANON CONNECTIONS/AFFILIATIONS: A horribly OOC Davy Jones adopts her, and she gets romantically involved with THIS GUY. Also, Beckett has a crush on her.
SOOPER SPESHUL ABILITIES: Being a rabid PotC fangirl, turning Davy Jones into a sappy father-figure and making the rest of the Flying Dutchman crew devolve into giggling pre-teen girls, turning into a “young woman” with seaweed hair instead of a fish while aboard the Dutchman, the ability to change between first and third person narration at random (even within the SAME PARAGRAPH)… oh, and at the end it turns out that she’s psychic.
THE "PLOT": Sue is magically transported to Port Royal (though we never find out why or how this happened), where she immediately goes about ruining the plot of DMC. Somehow, she ends up on the Dutchman, where she has an oddly pleasant stay and falls in love with the first mate, despite the fact that Sue is FIFTEEN YEARS OLD AND HE IS A SHARK-MAN. At some point, they randomly capture Beckett, who Sue hates and holds captive in the brig until she randomly decides that he’s not so bad and has him released. He then tries to kiss her, at which point her shark-faced boyfriend (in the words of the Suethor) “beats the crap out of him." HA HA! We never hear from Beckett again. Davy Jones, who is so terribly OOC it makes my brain bleed, adopts Sue and decides that he’ll officiate a marriage ceremony between her and his first mate. There is a sickeningly cheesy epilogue about how happy they are together.
NOTES: It will never cease to amaze me how NO ONE in this story, with the sole exception of OOC Davy, finds it odd that Sue is fifteen-years-old and the cursed-for-eternity, half-shark First Mate is in love with her. Also, the Suethor’s running commentary of her own story is priceless.
EXCERPT:
Prologue aka Useless Expoisition
Elizabeth Williams was a normal girl. She went to school, she listened to the radio and watched movies. Her favorite movies were the Pirates of the Caribbean trilogy. She had shirts and a purse with POTC on it. She was the super fan. But she was only just a fan… That is, until a mysterious incident made her part of the action…
Disclaimer: I don’t own Pirates but Elizabeth Williams is mine. She’s totally based on me. Name and all. (Yeah that’s my real name…. Cool huh?) NO.
Now, onto Chapter One: "Huh?" Did I mention that this story has the BEST chapter names that I’ve ever seen?
The world was a fuzzy mess around her...She sat up and rubbed her eyes. She opened them and looked around. She couldn't believe her eyes...She was in... Port Royal? She rubbed her eyes again and shook her head. I have got to be dreaming! She thought. She opened her eyes again and
the place was there. Well, I would hope so… also, why was it necessary to make that a new paragraph?
"Where am I?" Elizabeth asked herself.
"Will!" A woman gasped making Elizabeth turn on her heels.
She quickly walked to a pillar and peeked around it. What she saw made her believe that she was definitely dreaming.
Elizabeth Swan was holding her handcuffed fiancé' William Turner. Standing a few feet back was his shortness Lord Cutler Beckett and Mr. Mercer. Elizabeth Williams clearly likes referring to everyone by their full name.
"You look beautiful." Will said.
"I think it's bad luck to see the bride before the wedding." She said wearily.
Well, Beth thought, if this is a dream no one will mind if I get involved... Right?
Cautiously, she stepped out into the open space beside the pillar. Since no one paid her any mind she advanced through the crowd of over dressed bystanders. On the way women and men gave her disgusted looks because of how she was dressed. She wore her knee length black coat with a red rose and leaf pattern on the bottom right side. Under that she wore her black Captain Jack Sparrow T-shirt with "Yo ho, a pirate's life for me" lyrics on it and "WANTED" written across the top, and a pair of tan pants tucked into black horse riding boots. Which made no sense seeing that she had no idea how to ride a horse. (Yeah that's really how I dress. Got a problem with it?) Yes. Yes, I do have a problem with it.
As she got to the front she bumped into a larger man. She looked up as he turned around to her.
"Sorry." She said sheepishly.
"Humph!" The man turned away from her, but others turned their attention to her. BTW, that’s the Suethor bolding random words in her sentences, not me.
"Who are you?" The young bride asked." What are you wearing?" It’s an excellent question. I want to know the same thing.
"M-my name's Elizabeth Williams but you can call me Beth." She stuttered.
"Really?" The two convicts asked in unison.
"Yeah I know." She nodded. "My name's a combination of both of yours. Cool huh?" For the second time, no, your name is not “cool.”
"I find nothing cold about it." Beckett said from behind her making a huge grin come to Beth's face.
She spun around brightly and smiled at the man. "Hello, lord Beckett -she said with a bow- it's a pleasure to meet you, sir." The sentence structure she uses with her dialog is so masterfully crafted…
"Mm-hm" He looked her up and down then addressed the guards. "Take them to their cell. They have a date with the gallows at noon tomorrow."
The guards grabbed the two by the arms pulling them apart. THEY PULLED THEIR ARMS OFF?
"On what charges?!" Elizabeth Shrieked (She’d changed her last name, as she felt that ‘Swann’ was too delicate-sounding for her) as she was handcuffed.
" The charges are conspiring to set free a man convicted of piracy and condemned to death. For which the penalty..." Beth stopped seeing everyone's eyes on her. "EW! GET THEM OFF GET THE OFF GET THEM OFF!" Sue screamed. "I'm sorry did you want to say it?" She asked Beckett who was looking at her, dumbfounded.
"For which the penalty is also death... How did you know that?"
"I know a lot. I also know that you want a certain compass and why you want it. “Beth smiled before realizing she said it. "I probably shouldn't have said that."
Becket stepped forward to her with narrowed eyes. "How do you know about the compass?"
"I, uh, I'm physic?" The worst part is that she’s kidding now, but give it a few chapters and she’ll actually have a vision.
I’m going to have to start skipping around a bit here to get to the best parts. Basically, all you missed is Sue making a deal with Beckett to get Jack’s compass, so she goes with Will to the Island of the Pelegostas to find him. This chapter, which is randomly in first instead of third peron, enuses. Here's a sample:
And he made it to the ship, of course. Will introduced me to the crew and Captain Jack himself.
"Jack this is Elizabeth. She's a psychic." *snorfle* Will said motioning towards me.
I gave a shy grin. "You can call me Beth for short."
He studied me for a minute. "Where abouts are you from?"
"Florida" I said.
"funny he said dully. "You don't look or sound Spanish." There’s that fantastic sentence structure again.
I forgot that around this time only Spain had been there. That's right; the actual country of Spain was moved to Florida, and no one else was allowed to go there because Spain was on top of it. I asked my History Professor and he said it's true. "I'm half German half Irish." Hopefully he'd buy that. not many people around this time had my accent. I don't think anyone did.
"Ah. Well that may explain your weird accent." Yes! *facepalm*
There are a few chapters here that explain how she ends up on the Flying Dutchman, but I find them boring, so we’re going to jump ahead a bit. The narration has now changed back to third person. I think it’s also worth mentioning that this chapter is titled “Holy Crap!”
Life aboard the Dutchman wasn't as bleak as depicted in the films. There were men laughing and jeering and.. well being men. There were ponies and rainbows and cotton candy, and every night, the fairies came out of the sea and sang to them. The only thing really bizarre was there appearance. Beth was led aboard the ship by Maccus and thrown into the Jones' cabin. Wait... "the Jones' cabin"? So, either there's an entire family living on that ship, or there is no one else in the world with the last name of Jones... just like no one but Spain is allowed in Florida... hmmm. She was to wait there for him until his work was finished. 'Till then she was left alone to marvel at the horrifying beauty of the magnificent organ in the back of the room. Apparently that damn pipe organ is so good-looking that it instills fear in all who look upon it. They're frightened because they know that they'll never measure up to its complete and total perfection. It's how OOC Davy maintains his power over the crew. His is a reign of terror.
"Get a good look?" Jones asked out of no where.
"Ah!" Beth jumped away from the organ and turned to face him. "Jesus Christ! Don't do that!" She said gripping at her chest. I like to imagine that what the Suethor means here is that the Sue grabbed her own boobs in sheer terror.
"Who told you about the chest-uh?" He demanded.
"No one. I found out myself." She gasped. "Some people call it "psychic". I call over obsession." And I call it lame.
"Hm." Jones walked around her to his chair and sat. "So, this Cutler Beckett man is after the chest... Why?"
"I've already told you. He wants to wipe out piracy." she walked over to a unkempt and unused bed and seated herself on it What is it with these Suethors and thinking that there were actual BEDS on these ships?. "Little does he know, that's not possible, much like this bed that I’m sitting on right now."
"Why's that-uh?" Jones asked lighting his pipe
"Because, as long as there are laws, there are going to people to break them. There's no real 'bad people' in the world. Just people doing what they can to survive in it." Beth said astonished by how wise she made herself sound. She’s easily impressed.
"Uh-huh." He nodded once and took a puff of whatever was in that pipe of his. TABACCO. You get this thing called PIPE TABACCO to put in your pipe. It's a radical concept, I know, but you gotta trust me on this one. What does this Suethor think that these people have been smoking this whole time? You know what, don't answer that. "And why do you care what happens to us pirates?"
"Because..." She paused to think. "I hate when people die just to benefit one man's selfish fantasy!" She stood, fists clenched. "All my life I've felt unwanted and like I wasn't a help to anyone. But now, now i can help some one. I can be the one to get a pat on the back and be the person they thank. That's all I've wanted for the longest time. Now it's happening to me." She looked up to see him raising and eyebrow at her. Now she felt stupid. "Sorry." She sat down with a beet-red face.
"Do you have a name?" IC Davy would have “beat the crap out of her” for that entire paragraph of utter stupidity without asking such questions. Or at least, that’s what I would do.
"Elizabeth Williams. You can call me Beth for short, Captain." She said awkwardly addressing him. It's so hard to write on slimey squid men. But it had to be done, as no one would make boxes for packages of this size for another 200 years. And she had to mail him out soon, or her relatives in Spain wouldn't get their Christmas present on time.
"Well, Beth, you may have just saved your hide." He stood and limped passed her across the room. He opened the door saying. "Follow me."
Below deck had a orange glow form the dim candle light. Jones opened a door that she didn't recognize. It obviously wasn't a main part or of the films. He reached in and pulled out a bundle of cloth and threw it at Beth. She unraveled it. It was a pair of slacks a white shirt and dark tan vest. She looked at the captain questioningly. It’s ok, Sue, I don’t know how to put clothes on, either.
"If yer goin' to help pirates, yer goin' to dress like one."
Beth grinned broadly. "Thank you, sir." She looked around. "Where do I change at?" IC Davy would have beat her for that flagrant violation of grammar as well.
Jones rolled his eyes and signed. OOC Davy is fluent in sign language. "You can borrow my cabin for five minutes. Hurry up."
"Thank you!" She giggled and ran off to the cabin getting strange looks from the crew as she ran to the cabin and slammed the door. Will someone PLEASE flog her, already?
The clothes fit her well. They must've belonged to one of the crewmen when he was young, pirates being the sentimental sort who always kept their favorite clothes from childhood on board their ships with them. She walked out and looked around for Davy or a familiar face. Atop the mast She saw angler and wheelback tying up one of the sails. She walked to the rails and looked down into the crystal clear ocean. She let out a weary sigh. Did her family know she was gone? Would they notice? If you have to ask, chances are you don’t want to know the answer. If she did make it home, would she show up in they last place in time she remembered before the Port Royal incident? The waves gently rocked the Dutchman, toying with it ever so slightly. She faced the sky and saw a baby blue horizon looming in front of her. This world was truly b-e-a-utiful. As opposed to the regular kind?
"Ya loose somethin'?" A voice from behind her asked.
She turned around looking up into the face of Maccus, the hammer head man. "N-no." She stammered stupidly. "I was just looking at the sea. It's very pretty."
"Aye." He nodded and walked to the rail beside her. "That be what draws men out here. The beauty of it. Ya could compare it to a woman I guess... for example, they're both so deep and... vast... and salty... and full of whales."
She looked at him, dumbstruck.
"What?" He grimaced. "Was it the whale thing? Was that too personal?"
"Why are you being nice to me?" She asked. “I pegged you for a more...I dunno, rude and angry type of guy. No offence intended."
"What makes you think I'm not?" He scowled at her. "Look, the captain told me to watch ya so I am."
"Oh, well, thanks I guess." She rubbed her neck shyly. Her face felt really warm for some reason.
"Well, don't start any trouble. I'll get a kiss from the cat-O-nines if you do." He Turned his back and walked over to where some men were playing liars dice and his voice was drowned out by the laughter.
She turned back to the water smiling. Her face was hot and red. This was a rare thing for her but she was pretty sure what it was. She had a crush on Maccus. Oh, boy... I think the word the Suethor was really looking for is: “WHY?!”
Next chapter, in which the Sue is annoying and gets what she deserves… Note how the narration in this chapter changes from third to first person AGAIN.
I spent my days watching the crew and learning how they lived. I loved to watch them play their games. Sure, they could get violent, but what do you expect? It was all in good fun. I had my share of water buckets dumped on me. Yes, you just read that correctly. The worst thing that’s happened to her so far is that someone dumped a bucket of water on her head. I am awed at the Suethor’s blatant disregard of cannon. Of coarse they got in trouble for it. Davy was obviously in no hurry to go after the chest, I mean, why would he be? It’s not like there’s anything important in the chest… oh, wait. He didn't believe that it was really in danger. He can't say I didn't warn him when he dies... For a couple reasons...
"Hey, Bootstrap." I waved to bill as he walked by. I finally met him on my second day there. It’s just such a big ship. People get lost on that thing all the time, and no one will see them for days.
"Hey." He stopped walking. He was carrying a bucket of sea water to scrub the deck with. "You lost again?" OH GOD, I WAS KIDDING.
"No!" I crossed my arms at him. "Do I need an excuse to say hello?"
"No I guess not." He shook his head twice.
"You need a hand?" I asked nodding at the bucket and rag.
"Nay, I got it. Besides ye aren't part of the crew. we can't put you to work." Lies.
"Come on." I uncrossed my arms and walked towards him. "I need to do something. I'm bored out of my mind!" I’m sure I would be too. All that hard labor that IC Davy would have put her to can be so dull. Not to mention the beatings. Boooooooring.
He looked down at me silently be fore sighing. "Alright. Ye can help a little."
"Thank you." I nodded in thanks and took the bucket from him and followed him around the ship. She is the most annoying person on the face of the PLANET.
Anyway, she tortures Bootstrap for a while with questions about Maccus, because she liiiiiikes hiiiiimmmmm (*gag*), and then Davy Jones decides to take the ship underwater for no apparent reason.
"Going down!"
Down?! I ran out on deck as the crew were bracing themselves for the dive. I ran to the upper deck to where OOC Davy was standing.
"Captain?!" I panicked. "Down?! I can't breath under water!"
"You'll be fine." He glanced down at me. Curse my five-foot-three-ness! PRICELESS "Maccus!"
"Aye!" He climbed the stairs and stood at attention in front of his captain.
"Secure her." He pushed me by the arm towards the stairs.
Aye, sir." Maccus took me by the upper arm and pushed me into the mast. He grabbed a rope and tied me to the mast. "Hold on. This will get rough." AHA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA!
Sue doesn’t actually drown, unfortunately for us. They find the Black Pearl and try to make a deal with Jack. I find it hilarious how the Suethor explains how Sue gets on the Pearl… apparently, Bootstrap teleports her there “Nightcrawler style.” Anyway, just like in the movie, Jack doesn’t cooperate with Jones, and Will ends up on the Dutchman just in time to get flogged. This is the last glimpse of cannon that the readers of this story will ever see. It's all downhill from here, folks. Also, have I mentioned that life on board the Flying Dutchman seems like a lot of fun? I don't know about the movies, but in this fic, everyone is just having a dandy time.
Jones was about to talk when he saw Beth out of the corner of his eye. He looked at Maccus and jerked his head toward his cabin. With a nod Maccus grabbed the short, boyish girl and towed her away from the crowd. And then they finally beat her.
"H-Hey!" She yelled and she stumbled along after him. "What's goin' on?!"
"Captain doesn't want ye out there during that." He said without looking at her. Why? I mean, let's face it, if Davy Jones were actually in character, the Sue would be the one getting whipped right now.
She huffed"I can walk ya know!" She said trying pull her arm free from his clawed hand.
The First mate opened the door to the Captain's cabin and dragged the tantrum throwing teen in. He forced her to sit down on the bed. He sat down in a chair Davy had brought in For Beth. Jones was keeping her in with him so she wouldn't be hurt. He had a bit of a father complex. OOC Davy is such a softy…
Beth looked at Maccus who was inspecting his ax. "What are you still doin' here?"
"When you came on the ship the captain put you in my charge." He said without looking at her. "I'm to stay with ye 'till the captain get's here."
Elizabeth pulled her feet onto the bed and rested her head on her knees. He made it sound like I was a child. I guess to them I was. Being fifteen almost sixteen I was nothing but a small child with psychic powers. Maybe she should find another guy to like. There’s that lovely change in narration again... is it bad that I’m more preoccupied with where this “ax” came from and what he's going to do with it than why the Suethor can’t seem to remember if she’s writing a story in first of third person?
The next part of the story is so boring, that it isn’t worth posting. Basically, Maccus has a crush on Sue, which doesn’t make OOC Davy very happy, and they capture Beckett and put him in the brig, where everyone (except for Will and Sue) forgets about him for the next… two chapters.
"Why did you send Jack off and keep me here?" William asked.
"He's safely out of the way aint he?" Beth asked looking over her shoulder at the young man. "You stayed 'cause I knew yer father wanted to see ya before it was too late."
"I see," Will said looking at the wet freshly swabed floor. *snicker snicker* "What about Beckett?"
Beth stopped mopping and thought for a minute. She didn't know how to explain it to him where it would make sense. In fact, she didn't know how to explain ANYTHING in a way that made sense. She looked up at Will and smiled. "Like ya said. I'm psychic."
"But, what does that have to do with it?" Will asked sitting on a wodden crate, as all of the wooden crates were already taken.
She sighed and slapped the mop back onto the wood angrily. "He's evil and malevolent. He deserves the worst punishment imaginable." She smiled happily up at the young turner. Wow, bipolar much? "So I decided to keep him here. He can't kill ayone if he's locked up in the brig for the rest of his ucursed life.”
Will raised his brow at her. "I won't ask."
"It's better that ya don't." She laughed a little then went back to her work. Clearly, this Sue is mentally unstable. And I don't just mean 15-year-old-with-out-of-control hormones unstable, I mean she's going to kill someone with her boyfriend's "ax" unstable.
"Here comes shark head." Will warned standing up. The best part is how Will is the ONLY person who seems to notice that this guy isn’t even human.
Blah blah blah, Sue and fish boy get into a fight.
"Can ye at least tell me what I did?!" She shouted franticly after him. She huffed and sat down in a dry spot on the floor. "I will never understand that man!"
"You consider him a man?" Will asked curioslly leaning on the wooden wall. As opposed to the non-wooden ones? What does this Suethor think that the ship is made of?
"You don't?" She looked up at him with a raised eyebrow.
"No PERIOD. END OF SENTENCE, I do It's just." He paused and continued quietly. I'm no expert, but isn't it impossible to pause and continue at the same time? Even just a little bit? "Most women are very superficial. Excuse me?! Either this Suethor just insulted me, or she just insulted me. They wouldn't even consider him human much less a man. Why do you?"
She looked toward the stairs then at the floor. "Because, even though they don't look it, all of these men are human on the inside. OOOOH, she's out to make Sue seem different than "most women." I get it. This Sue is sensative and deep... and full of whales! They're just like anyone else. They bleed just like you and me." FALSE.
Will just smiled and nodded. Beth smiled back and stood. "I have to finish up here then go patch the sails. That'll be fun." she said sarcasticly. If you haven't noticed, the sails on the Flying Dutchman are COVERED in algae. I think they're beyond needing to be patched.
"Don't I hope you fall off!" Will laughed as he walked up on deck.
"Bite me!" She shouted after him making him laugh. Life on the Dutchman is just so pleasant. Maybe I should start taking my vacations there.
She finished all of her chores hard labor for the day and was crawling into her bunk for the night. She slipped under her soggy blanket and closed her eyes. She'd gotten a new bed in the captain's cabin and was feeling right at home. OOC Davy had become her adopted father and was treating her as such. The new bed was a lot more comfortable than the musty old hammock she had before. There is so much that’s wrong with this paragraph, I don’t even know where to begin.
And then Davy Jones comes to tuck Sue in:
She looked at the floor and sat glumly as the ship rocked. There was nothing she could say. She liked Maccus back but how could she tell him without getting in trouble. Getting in trouble was This is my favorite part of the chapter: one of hermany paranoias. HA HA HA HA HA! Jones just stood and walked over. He sat beside her and patted her slick green tinged hair. He laid her down and pulled the blanket over her.
Later, it's time for a game of Liar's Dice.
"Who wants in?" Jimmylegs called out fgrom his place at the liars dice tabble. It wasn't really a table, just a board held up by some crates.
"I'm in." Maccus said in his normal gruff manner.
The bosun smirked and looked around for another victim of his unmerciful bets. He always made people do what they didn't want to if they lost. Oh no! Anything but that! Unlucky for her Beth came out and was caught by his gaze. "You! Lass! Come here!"
She turned and walked over with a confused expression. "Yeah?"
"Sit down!" He shoved her down onto a crate between him and Maccus. "Ye ever played before?"
"No. But I've seen it." She said flatly but her voice ripe with curiosity.
"Well, now ye can learn properly." He looked up at Maccus. "Is it alright with ye?"
"Fine." He anwered simply. "The stakes?"
"If I win ye have to do whatever I think up." The bosun cackled looking between is opponents. I can see where this is going, and I don’t like it.
"And if he wins?" Beth asked getting looks from the two men. "What? I know I won't win."
"Then he can give me five lashes with me own whip." He grimmaced. But, he wasn't afraid. He never lost. As you can see, the games on board the ship, much like the hard labor, were not very much fun.
"Deal." Maccus said with a smirk. Jimmy offering his whip to someone was a serious bet. By now many of the crewmen had gathered around.
They play. Jimmy wins.
Beth leaned on the table with her face resting in the palm of her right hand. "So what do ya want me to do?"
Jimmy chuckled and leaned back on his crate. His smile reeked of cruel intentions. "Ye have to kiss Maccus." Thre was a series of "Oohs." and gasping laughed from the crewmen standing around them. Ok, really? REALLY? What are they, twelve-year-old girls??? But wait, it gets BETTER.
"What?!" The two shouted at once.
"Ye heard me. Get on with it, missy wench." He said in his usual threatening manner *hintstomakingthefishpeoplesodamnpolitehint*, making a gesture at the first mate.
She looked over at him with a blush making her whole face red. She looked down at her lap. "I don't know how." *Falls over*
"Huh?" Jimmy asked raising his brow at her.
"I've never kissed anyone before." She mumbled embarrassedly.
"Oh, well, in that case." the bosun looked at maccus. "Ye kiss her then. Not just a peck. Full on french her." LMAO! I'm... not even gonna touch this one.
After the shenanigans of Liar’s Dice, Sue remembers that she needs to feed Beckett. As you could probably guess, the next few chapters consist of Beckett tryin to holla at a 15-year-old girl. Let’s play a game, shall we? It's called "count how many ridiculous (to put it mildly) things the Suethor says in this next passage ALONE"
She decide that it was time to send Beckett somehing to eat. He'd been tortured enough. So, she whent to the pantry 1 and found food that none of the men liked 2. They claimed it was ladie food 3. It was sweet bread and buttermilk, well, butter 4. She put that and some meat in a basket 5 and carried it down to the brig. Cutler Beckett was right where she had left him. Leaning against the wall of his cell staring at the ceiling. He looked over when she pulled a stool over and sat. He looked so depressing. His once crisp jacket was now dirty and in shambles and his face was streaked with grime. He'd even taken his wig off and used it as a cusion for his head when he slept on the floor. His hair was a dark brown and fell to his jaw. He'd also become very thin and weak from lack of food and proper exercise. He'd given up his pacing when he realized no one was oing to let him out.
Beth slid the basket through a small hole in the bars. 6 "Here."
He looked at her funny and said, "Why are you giving this to me now?"
"I may hate you but no one deserves to starve to death." She said with a bowed head. Her bleeding heart was a trait she'd had even in the real world.
Beckett crawled over and sat closer to the bars. He pulled the bread out and broke a piece off. He chewed i slowly. He swallowed and looked up at her. "Thank you, Elizabeth." She could tell he felt awkward saying her name. After all the last Elizabeth he'd encoutered held a gun to his throat. 7
"You can call me Beth," She told him with a smile.
He nodded. He continued his meal in silence.
Beth considered walking away but didn't want him to be left alone down here. He'd done many bad things.. or at least he was supposed to, but he wasn't so bad when he wasn't being macho in front of his men 8. But Beth had gotten herself involved and messed every thing up. AT LAST! THE SUETHOR SPEAKS SENSE! She'd completly altered the story. She'd captured Cutler Beckett, made Maccus a main character, gotten the bosun in touble, turned Davy jones, the feared ruler of the seas, into a dottting parent, and taken Jack out of the picture entirely. Who knows where he went. 9, 10, 11, 12… At least she seems to realize how bad this story is…
"I hear you sing at night," Beckett said randomly. 13!!!
"Oh, really?" She said with a slight blush.
"Yes YA RLY. You're quite good, actually," He said.
"Thank you. But, I'm not really that good," She said brushing her hair behind one ear.
"Why don't you sing one for me now?" He asked.
She looked at him with wide eyes and a bight red blush. "I-I don't know..."
"Please?" He said immitating her childish whine. 14
She giggled. "Okay,I can try. Just don't do that again."
Beckett re-situated leaning against the bars. He looked at her out of the corner of his eye and smirked. Beth smiled lightly and took a deep breath. She'd never sang infront of other people. Only with her radio in her bedroom at home. She remembered a song by Carrie Underwood. *headdesk* It was a very good song and once again not a very good song to sing aboard the Dutchman. She took another deep breath and started. The Suethor includes the lyrics for the entire song here... but I don't hate you guys that much.
Sue convinces Jones to free Beckett. They have many adventures in mopping. Like this one:
She tied a rope to the handle of the bucket and swung it overboard. It splashed down into the water. She pulled it up and dropped it again till it had enough water to use for a good while. What? I don't understand why you would do this... She began to pull it up. It was very heavy even though she'd worked up some mustle sinse she'd come aboard. She leaned on the rail and pulled with all of her streangth. Water was really heavy! *headdesk again*
Suddenly the bat jolted as they hit a reef, but the ship was uneffected. She shreiked and fell foreward over the rail of the ship. FINALLY. Beth sut her eyes tight. She expected to fall, to hit the waters How many "waters" are there? Are there, like, layers of ocean and air below the ship or something? I guess the phrase "sail the seven seas" just took on a whole new meaning. like she had before. But it didn't come. She felt strong hands holding her by the arm. She opened her eyes to see Cutler Beckett leaning over the rail reaching down to her. I’ve run this scenario through my head over and over, and I’m fairly certain that the only way she could have been caught by the arm would be if she purposely flipped over quickly and held her arms up over her head; which makes me wonder just what this Sue was doing as she fell.
"Give me your other hand," He told her.
She let go of the rope and grasped his hand as tight as she could. This made me sad. I'm not going to lie, I cared more about that bucket than I did about this Sue. He pulled her upward and over the rail again. She hled on to him even after she was safely on her feet again. Her hands were holding tightly on his wrists and his on hers. Her heart was racing as she looked up at him. No offense, Suethor, but you'd have to be pretty small to "look up" at Beckett. Maybe she'll blame her "five-foot-three-ness" again.
"Are you alright?" He asked, but was quickly overcome by the realization that he didn't actually care. Swiftly acting to restore cannon, Beckett picked her up and threw her overboard. "What a shame," He mused to himself as he peered over the railing, "That was such a nice bucket."
She was breathing heavily but managed to speak a few words. "Yes..I'm okay."
Just then something happened. She couldn't tell what but Beth saw Cutler as a different person. He didn't seem to be the ruthless tyrant she'd known but a more gentle person. His long brown hair was un tied and blowing in the calm wind and his eyes a kind hazel. He looked like a more sophisticated, not quiete as rough, Will. Even though he was dirty, greasy and missing one sleeve of his shirt he was very attractive. Although she had no idea why her perception of him changed now. *headdesk headdesk headdesk headdesk headdesk headdesk headdesk headdesk headdesk*
Later, Beckett kisses her…
"I have you say, even though you're turning in to a fish," He walked up a stair closer. "You are rather attractive. The green brings out your blue eyes. And you've really grown." He smirked as he looked her over.
She tried desperately to pull away. He yanked her arm and pulled her in to a rough kiss. She screamed a against him. She tried to push him away but his arms held her still. The cut on her lip reopened and she could taste the blood. She felt his hands on her waist and squirmed to try to get away. In desperation she grabbed the bucket that was still in his hands and clubbed him over the head with it. Apparently, the Dutchman has a stockpile of buckets, you know, just in case incompetant Sues accidentally fall overboard with any of them.
"Ah!" He gripped his head in pain as she ran up the steps and on deck.
She ran into Maccus and rushed behind him.
"What's wrong?" He asked.
"B-B- Beckett," She stuttered.
Maccus turned to face her and put his hands on her shoulders. "Beckett what?
"H-He kissed me," She cried. Even though she just spent an entire chapter talking about how he wasn't actually that bad. You can't have it both ways, Suethor.
Maccus growled with rage, "Don't worry, I'll take care of 'im." He rushed her hair I'm not sure what this means. Even without the type-o, it doesn't make a lot of sense for him to take out a comb and start playing with her odd seaweed hair at this preticular moment. and turned around to where Beckett was coming out clutching the bump on his head. Maccus charged him and slammed him into the wall by his collar. "You disgusting worm! I should rip you open!"
The crew men had started to gather. Bootstrap hurried to Beth's side.
"Ye okay?" He asked.
"I'm fine," She said wiping blood from her mouth.
"Here," Will said dabbing her lip with a piece of cloth.
Beckett gagged as Maccus choked him.
"How dare you kiss her!" Maccus punched Beckett in the face leaving cuts where the barnacles hit him.
"What is goin' on here-uh?" Jones stormed out of his cabin angrily. He stopped when he saw Maccus beating the crap out of Beckett. HA HA HA HA HA HA! He stomped over. "What is the meanin' of this?"
"The man kissed Beth," Koleniko said pointing at Beckett. "Maccus is straitenin' him out."
"Oh, well in that case," Jones walked over to Jimmylegs and took his whip. He threw it to Maccus who caught it in his more human hand. "Thirty lashes-uh at the least!" After this, we never hear from Beckett again. I can only hope that he died and was released from the horrible world of this fic.
At this point, Sue and Maccus awkwardly confess their loooooove for each other. After I'd recovered from the initial horror, I read on to find that I was in for some sort of freaky fish-person wedding... and all of the improvement that I'd made in the therepy I'd been through because of this fic was quickly undone. I envy Beckett's fate.
"What about me?" A gruff voice asked from behind her.
"Let's see," Beth said turning around with a smirk, "Have ya been a good boy today, Macky?" *HURLS*
"That's all point of view," Maccus said walking so close he was almost touching her.
"Maccus, yer gonna get us in trouble," She said sternly but with a smile.
"No I'm not," He put his hands on her hips and kissed the side of her face. Just as a reminder, the Sue is being kissed by a guy who looks like THIS. Just in case you forgot.
"Yer in a good mood," Beth said leaning into him.
"Why shouldn' I be?" He whispered in her ear, "I have the most beautiful woman teenage girl in the world all to myself," He kissed her neck softly.
"Okay, okay, stop. I just remembered that you are a SHARK and I am FIFTEEN, making this the creepiest make-out session ever written." She told him pushing him away, "What are you doing?"
He touched held her face in one hand as he kissed a line on hjer neck, I'm sorry, but why would ANYONE want someone with a mouth like his that close to their neck? If one of them moves suddenly, his teeth will sever her artery and she'll bleed out faster than you can say........... OOOOOH. On second though, procede, freaky shark-man. Procede. "I'm wooing you. Is that bad?"
"In public, yes!" She said trying to lean away. I would say that it’s bad in general.
He sighed and stepped back, "Yer right. I'm sorry, but I have no idea how to properly punctuate my dialog."
Beth took his hand in her much smaller one, "Come on," She pulled him along behind her as she walked down below deck. She shut the door then turned back to Maccus. "What's goin' on? Yer actin' weird, and your terrible habit of ending sentences with commas is spreading to me."
He looked at the floor shepishly, "I was sorta buildin' up to this but I guess it can't wait, as evidenced by the fact that this sentence never actually ends. It's the third time the Suethor has forgotten how periods and commas work, btw."
Beth raised her brow in confusion, "What are ya talkin' about?"
He walked over and took her newly green hands in his. Maccus inhaled deaply. This worried Beth. He wasn't normally someone to get nervous. He’s pregnant.
"I know we've only known each other fer about a year," He started, "But I can't wait any longer, and I just can't get the hang of using a period to end my statements."
"Maccus?" She askedlooking into his blue-green eyes.
"I want to spend the rest of my eternety on this ship with you," Maccus said with a smile.
Beth couldn't breath. She'd wanted this for so long. Even before she'd come to this world. Even though she was only a teenager. Here, in this time, age didn't matter. Ok, somebody here needs to get a better grip on reality before writing fanfiction, and I’m pretty sure that it isn’t me.
"Beth," Maccus knelt in front of her, "Will you marry me?"
They’re getting married THAT DAY. The Dutchman randomly comes across the Black Pearl, but Davy Jones informs Jack that there will be no more fighting, as there’s going to be a marriage on board the ship that day. NO ONE thinks that this is weird. They teleport a screaming Elizabeth over to the Dutchman to help Sue get into her wedding dress. Then Sue and Tia Dalma have this conversation:
"Get Calypso for me. I really wanna talk to her before we do this," The younger Elizabeth said politely.
"I'll go get her, or at least I would, if I knew who you were talking about, because AWE hasn’t happened yet. Do you mean TIA DALMA? I can go get her, I guess." The older wench walked out and shut the door. Can you see what I did there? The Suethor forgot a noun, so I put in "wench." I crack myself up sometimes... woooooooo... wow, that was so lame.
A long few minuted later there was a light knock at the door.
"Who is it?" Beth asked as she pulled her hair into a shining pony tail. Her seaweed hair was so much more tame than her old hair. It would also be easier to rip, as I'm sure would happen if you tried to put seaweed hair into a ponytail. At least, it would if the Sue does this the same way I would go about it. Furthermore, ew. Seaweed is slimey and it smells bad. Wow, I sure am jealous of this Sue's "much more tame" seaweed hair.
"You wished to speak wit me, child?" Calypso asked walking in.
"Aye," Beth said turning around, "I did, but then I decided that I'd rather just go flog myself. You know, TIA DALMA, I wish that the Suethor would actually end her sentances with periods so that no one could, oh I don't know, add silly things onto them for their own amusement."
Blah blah blah, boring dialog… I’ll just cut to the chase.
"Who are you?" She asked.
"Elizabeth Williams. Adopted daughter of Davy Jones," The girl said with a nod.
"Adopted daughter?" Calypso asked in obvious disbelief.
"Yes. He took me in. I have yet to figure out why," Join the club. Beth said brushing through her pony tail.
"So, you care a lot for him do you?" The goddess asked.
"I am only second to you," Beth replied, even though that didn’t really answer the question. "I know you still love him I've seen it. I know the story of your love and I know how it will end if this charade continues," Beth said pulling out her nice words, which she kept in a pretty bag next to her improbable bunkbed, "Please, go to him, tell him what you feel. Tell him you didn't mean to leave him. Before it's too late. This may be the only second chance you get, as is the nature of a second chance. After that, it's your third. Oh my, did the Suethor forget to use a period again?"
The woman smiled at Beth and touched her head, "I sense a touch of destiny about you as well Elizabeth. Yer insight is great, not only into the supernatural, but into the reality. You will be a powerful goddess someday," WHUT... WAIT. EXCUSE ME? OK, THE ABSOLUTE RIDICULOUSNESS OF THAT SENTENCE JUST MADE ME FORGET ABOUT HOW THE SUETHOR ONCE AGAIN NEGLECTED TO PROPERLY PUNCTUATE IT. THERE'S NO WAY I JUST READ THAT CORRECTLY. *Goes back and re-reads* Well, crap.
"Goddess?" Beth asked with wide eyes.
"Yes, child, one more powerful than I. But it will not come easy. With great power comes great responsibility" Wow. That was familiar. Maybe because the Suethor stole it from another movie. "You must learn to control yer gift, and all the darkness that comes wit it. If you do dat yer life and love will last foreva," She pulled back her hand.
"Thank you, Calypso," Beth said with a smile.
"Now you must go," The goddess told her, "Yer husband waits,I AM OUT OF WITTY THINGS TO SAY, JUST LEARN TO USE A PERIOD, ALREADY. I mean, really. Why is this suddenly such a problem? I just don't understand."
Beth nodded and walked to the bed. She picked up a small bouquet of flowers (small meaning about three) one of the men, she was betting on Koleniko, had gotten her. Ok, I want to know where one gets even three flowers IN THE MIDDLE OF THE OCEAN. He'd gotten very sweet over the year... but little did she know that this was only a ploy to make her think that she had sucessfully destroyed all traces of cannon characterization, to lull her into a false sense of security. Then, the crew would ATTACK. The young woman walked to the door and grasped the knob. She glanced back at Calypso who gave her a kind nod. Beth smiled thankfully. She looked back at the cabin door. Her breath hitched in her throat. She felt dizzy but it was nice... this whole day was so nice... the ship was just sooooo nice... and the crew were all sooooooo niiiiice... and that door was shooo niiiiicheee... the Sue then fell to the floor with a thud. She had been drugged by IC Davy, who wanted his damn ship back. She felt a rush like nothing else in the world. Hundreds of negative thoughts whirled through her mind as she held onto that door. With as much courage as she could muster she pushed those thoughts to the back of her mind, pulled open the door and stepped out into her new life.
There’s an epilogue here about how Maccus and Beth have been married happily for two years and now have a hideous sea monster of a son named, of all things, Damien. Also, she’s pregnant again. Oh, the tomfoolery! The author ends the story by saying this:
Feel free to continue to review even though it's done. If anyone wants to write a sequal go ahead!
I’m not sure what a “sequal” is, but I still sincerely hope that NO ONE takes her up on that offer.