They talk to their washing machines.
TITLE: Pirate Switch
CULPRIT: My Life Craves Pirates
SUMMARY:Jack and Will are transported to the 21st century by means of a magical washing machine and don't adapt well.especially with myself and 3 other friends to guide them.they try to go back,and end up taking us with them.major chaos.still unintentionally funny!chapter 22 up!
BEST LINE:“YOU GUYS KILLED BUBBLY WASH!” Steffie screamed. She had this little knack of calling Monnie’s washing machine Bubbly Wash and baby talking to it.
And:
“Will you let it GO?” I said, grabbing another can of root beer. “And NO chugging competition!”
:Five minutes later:
“CHUG IT, CHUG IT, CHUG IT!” I popped open another can and chugged half of it.
“OW!” I said, “IT BURNS!”
“CHUG IT, CHUG IT, SHOES, CHUG IT, CH-!”
“LEAH!”
:whuBAM: That sound was Araeph taking an oar to the back of Leah's head.
Verdict:
NAME: Stephanie, Leah, Monique, and Kennie
HAIR: Not described
EYES: Not described
DISTINGUISHING FEATURES: They're so terrible that even when Jack and Will come under the sad fangirl-induced stupor that affects all canonicals in these fics, the two men are still fed up with them.
OH SO SPESHUL POSSESSIONS: A magical washing machine.
OBNOXIOUS AND/OR IMPLAUSIBLE ORIGIN: The 21st century.
OBNOXIOUS AND/OR IMPLAUSIBLE CANON CONNECTIONS/AFFILIATIONS: They all want a piece of Jack and Will. I don't have the patience to sort things out...I think they're sort of equal opportunity stalkers.
SOOPER SPESHUL ABILITIES: Time travel and the ability to make Jack care SO MUCH about the four that he's willing to leave Will in command of the Interceptor just so he can spy on the Sues.
THE "PLOT": "Oh, no!" the readers think going in. "It's another 'Oops OMG Jack & Will have been dropped into our world OMG what will happen?' stories!" Don't worry...it's not just a story about that. In this story, Jack and Will get dragged to our world and then they drag two Mary Sues to their world! Hey, why only have one rotten plot device when you can have two? I know I've been pining for a double whammy.
Anyway...the girls are at "Monny" (Monique's) house when she opens the lid to her washing machine and discovers Jack and Will. Her washing machine must be heavy duty. I keep picturing all the ones I've used. Fitting just one man in there, with the lid closed, would take a lot of practice; two would require some serious dismemberment. Then again, I don't understand how the Fellowship can travel through the pipes to appear out of a fangirl's toilet, either, at least not without channeling Tim Allen's Santa.
Convinced from the very start that no one is playing a hoax and that the washing machine really is a time portal, the Sues literally latch onto the two guys and make them accompany the girls almost everywhere. This is supposed to be funny. Jack and Will don't think this is such a good time, apparently, because they decide to go back through and-the SUSPENSE!-the girls travel with them. Elizabeth is nowhere to be found, but that doesn't prevent the Sues from re-enacting the first movie with them in place of Elizabeth and with Norrington once again resembling a hard-hearted snob. Yay.
NOTES: Never have I seen such a bad case of arrested character development. This isn't just the usual OOC: not only do the Sues meddle with what Jack and Will were like in the beginning of the first movie, but they prevent Jack and Will from taking up their adventure and developing their personalities. The two just drop their entire lives to help the girls out. Also mystifying is the fact that when the portal functions the opposite way and drags the Sues into PotC, they land near the beginning of the movie. Yet, Jack and Will seem like best buddies instead of two men who've just met, are not overly fond of each other, and are associating to accomplish a goal.
By the way...think I should up the rating? It's not that high because this is a by-the-numbers kind of badness, but it does have some rather horrid qualities. I'm ambivalent. Or maybe just on spin cycle.
Capslock rises up from the deep and thwacks the already listing fanfic.
ahoy there!this be a POTC randomness story!…it has self insertions,yes.me and three friends.we use fake names to hide our identities,so don’t go telling everyone My Life Craves Pirates’ real name is Kendra. I wouldn't even want a fake identity to be associated with this dreck.
Jack and Will are transported to the 21st century by means of a magical washing machine. And they BOTH FIT in a washing machine at the same time?! they adapt poorly to their new surroundings,and the tons of screaming fan girls.until they drag us to their world…
Pirate Switch
by My Life Craves Pirates(and company)
(setting starts off at “Monique”’s house.just so you’re not confused)
Chapter 1: snap,crackle,pop
:Pop:
“OOOoooHhh…” Leah said, staring wide eyed at the slowly rising bag of popcorn, “it’s getting so BIG!”
:POP:
“AND LOUD!” Stephanie yelled over the explosion.
“Explosion?” I said.
:kaBOOM:
“Noooo!” Leah whined.
“What went wrong?” Monique said, confused.
“BUTTER IS HOT!” I screamed. The canon characters stand around Tia Dalma's table, thunderstruck at the appearance of Barbossa. He descends the stairs, taking great pleasure in their befuddlement. The cast is about to embark on a life-threatening quest to rescue Jack and-hey, is that a fanfic with BUTTERED POPCORN as the highlight of its first scene?! Wow, forget pirate adventures! I'm gonna have fun imagining staring at a microwave! I dropped my soda and frantically ran around the room. I heard Steffie say-
“It NEVER explodes when I make it.”
“…MY MICROWAVE!” Monnie screamed. They all stared at me.
“What?” I said.
“Kendra,” Steffie said, “What did you do?”
“WHAT?”
“I’LL MAKE YOU SNORT PIXI STIX!” Leah screamed.
“I ALREADY DO!”
“YOU PUT THE POPCORN IN MY MICROWAVE!” Monnie screamed, “WHAT DID YOU DO?”
“KENNIE, YOU’RE GOING TO BLOW UP MONNIE’S WHOLE HOUSE!” Leah screamed.
“Girls?”
“My mom!” Monnie said, “HIDE THE MICROWAVE!” We threw a kitchen towel over the remainders of the microwave.
“Monique,” her mom said, “I’m going to Costco. I’ll be home in five hours.”
“Five hours?” we repeated.
“It takes two hours to get there!”
“Okay, okay,” Monnie said. Her mom left.
“Hold on!” Monnie’s dad came down the stairswith her uncle, who randomly decided to visit earlier, Thanks for telling us all of these facts that we absolutely need to know. And am I the only one doing a double-take at every adult that crops up in Teenager Land? “We’re going golfing.”
“And leave the girls ALONE?”
“They’ll be fine. Right girls?”
“Yeah!” Steffie said. They pulled out of the driveway and drove off. None of us noticed Monnie, who wandered into her kitchen, and screamed.
“WHAT?” we yelled, running into the kitchen.
“THE TOWEL’S ON FIRE!”
“QUICK, KENDRA, SPIT ON IT!” Leah yelled.
“WHAT?” I yelled back.
“YOU SALIVATE A LOT, I KNOW YOU DO!”
“WHAT?” Steffie grabbed my soda and threw it on the microwave.
“MY ROOT BEER!” I'm really sorry for this, guys. I know it's depressing to know that stories like this exist.
“IT’S STILL PLUGGED IN!” Monnie shrieked.
:KABOOM:
When I opened my eyes, I was standing on my head against the opposite wall, with everyone else positioned variously. Leah was on the wall next to me, Steffie was on the table, and Monnie was on their light fixture.
“…Steffie did that,” I said, getting up. Everyone else did too, and Monnie climbed off the light fixture.
“Err…”
“AAAAAAHH!”
“MONIQUE!” we yelled. We dashed over to her. “WHAT?”
“MY MOM LEFT ME CHORES!”
“…I’m speechless,” I said.
“We’ll help!” Leah said.
“We will? -OW! SHIZ!” I yelled as Steffie drove her elbow into my ribs. Monnie
beamed.
“Great!” she said. She quickly went down the list. “Weed the garden, water plants, laundry, go-LAUNDRY?”
“Huh? What’s so bad about doing the laundry?” I asked.
“IT’S LAUNDRY! DIRTY CLOTHES…UNDERWEAR!” Wow. You know, I have dirty laundry to do, too. Guess I'll react like I'm about to pole-vault over the Grand Canyon!
“My mom makes me wash MY-um…”
“…Yes?” Leah said.
“………shoes.”
“Shoes.”
“Just wear gloves.”
“Shoes.” The horror!
The indignities of bubbly wash...and bubbly bimbos.
“MONNIE!” I yelled.
“BUBBLY WASH!” Steffie yelled.
“MONNIE AND BUBBLY WASH!” Leah yelled, slightly confused. We ran to the laundry room.
:gasp:
“N…no WAY!” I said.
“What? Where are we?” Leah squealed.
“ORLANDO BLOOM!”
“Who?”
“ORLANDO-JOHNNY DEPP!”
“…Will? I dun know where we are, but I dun like it.” Introducing: Failure to Make A Character Talk Like A Pirate Day! It's celebrated all the time in this fandom! The other man nodded.
“YOU GUYS KILLED BUBBLY WASH!” Steffie screamed. She had this little knack of calling Monnie’s washing machine Bubbly Wash and baby talking to it.
“Wait…” I said, “They don’t know who Orlie and Johnny are. Maybe they’re…they’re…”
“Impossible!” Steffie said, “They’re only characters of a movie! They have to be the real thing!” Once again we have this assumption that just because two men looking exactly like Johnny Depp and Orlando Bloom in costume show up and talk like they're Jack and Will, this automatically means that they MUST be Jack and Will! My first question would be about how they got in the washing machine, not if they were supposedly fictional.
“No…”
“They’re denying it!”
“They’re dressed like Jack and Will! Proof Positive!” I said, “Who goes around wearing dirty clothes like a pirate everywhere all day?”
"We do!"
“Jack! Get out! I’m squished!” Jack lept out of the washing machine, Assuming they both managed to fit inside, they would hardly be able to move and would have to be crouching. And Jack is leaping out from a dead standstill? Monnie gaping.
“What did you do to my washing machine?”
“WHAT DID YOU DO TO BUBBLY WASH?”
“The what?”
“…Nothing,” Monnie said, “Are you guys really Jack and Will?”
“I think so.”
“Yes ‘um.” She blushed.
“You’re…so…SEXY!” Leah said. I know that's the first thing I'd say if two strange men showed up in my basement. I gaped.
“Oh my…”
End Chapter 2
Chapter 3: you sexy thing
“Err…” So here we are,trying to figure out what to do with Jack and Will. This was the greatest thing that’s ever happened to us, so we can’t send them back. But at the same time, we can’t keep them here forever.
“What do we do?” Steffie said, arms wrapped around Will…can she read minds? Because that’s what I was thinking…creepy.
“Um…please let go,” Will said, shifting his legs a little.
“No! NEVER! You’re mine, MINE!”
“YOU HAVE TO SHARE!” Leah yelled.
“NO! You can have Jack!”
“KENNIE HAS HIM!”
“What?” Jack said. He looked down at me. “AAH! That’s MY leg! GET OFF!”
“And she’s viciously guarding him!” Leah said. I snarled.
“Err…well, ya still can’t have me leg."
“Try me!” I said, gripping his leg tighter. You know what's really disgusting? If this were a Sue in the Caribbean, and a man did that to her, she'd yell for Jack or kick him off, howling about jerks and harassment. But the guys get this treatment, and it's just supposed to be, "Hahahaha, they're fangirls so it's okay." It's not.
“Kendra!” Steffie yelled, “You’re cutting off his blood circulation!”
“AAHH!” I dropped to the ground. I grabbed Jack’s arm for support (“What, now you’re claiming my arm?”) and pulled myself up. By now we were all choking and hyperventalating.
“Uh…GIRL TALK!” I yelled. I grabbed Jack and Will by the arm, pulled them down the hall and locked them in the bathroom (you know,chair against the door?…we’ll just say there’s always a random chair in the hall).
“KENNIE!” Leah screamed, “What are you DOING?”
“Talking!” I grabbed the three of them and pushed them into the living room. “What the HELL do we do? We can’t keep them! They don’t belong here! How do we keep them hidden? WE STILL HAVE SCHOOL!”
“Hm…” Steffie said, “She’s got a point.”
“We could just hide them in my room,” Monnie said.
“What, YOU get to keep the hotties and WE don’t?” Leah said.
“Hey!” Jack yelled, “Can we come out now?”
“NO! Shut up!” I yelled back.
“Could we take turns?” Leah asked.
“I…I guess,” Monnie answered. We had reached an agreement. I walked back to the bathroom
:THUMP:
:THUMP:
Sounds like they’re throwing themselves against the door…or something. I grab the chair, pull back and-
:WHUMP:
“OOF!”
“AAAAAAHHHH!” Jack and Will tripped out of the bathroom and collided into me, forcing the three of us onto the ground.
“My squiggly spooch…” I moaned (AN:tell me you’ve all seen Invader ZIM). Even if I had, it wouldn't justify this unfunny non sequitur. I adjusted my glasses.
“You should really get contacts,” Leah said, “Like me and Monnie.”
“Mom says I can’t get them until high school,” I said, “She said braces come first.”
:RING:
“I GOT IT!” Monnie picked up the phone. “Hello?…MOM! Er…uh…fine. You?…Great. Oh. Oh yeah, THAT bites. Well, um, see you.” She hung up.
“Well?” I asked.
“She’s caught in traffic. Not going to be home for at least another hour. That gives us some time.”
“Well, wanna finish up the movie?” I said. The others shrugged.
“Hey! He looks like you!” Jack elbowed Will.
“Yeah…SHE looks like Elizabeth.”
“HE looks like…ME. What’s going on?…Miss What’s Yer Name…” We haven’t even introduced ourselves yet!
“Uh…I’m Kendra,” I said, “She’s Stephanie, she’s Monique, and she’s Leah.”
“Or,” Steffie said, “You can call her Kennie, me Steffie, her Monnie, and…Leah…Leah.”
“Oh…well…let’s see, who looks intelligent…”
“Hey!”
“Err…you…um…(thinks) Stephanie.”
“YES?” She said excitedly.
“Uh…what’s going on?”
“Okay, well you see: We were helping Monnie with chores outside, and it started to rain, so we went inside and started to watch a movie called Pirates of the Carribean, and we still had to do the laundry, so we…SHE opened the washing machine and out popped YOU two!” She took a breath.
“We STILL have to do the laundry!” Monnie said.
“You have no washing machine!” I said, “It’s a portal to the 18th century!”
“So?”
“You can’t wash it in THERE! Three centuries ago they did NOT have electricity and did laundry by HAND!” She blinked.
“HOW AM I GOING TO DO THE LAUNDRY?”
“I DON’T KNOW!”
“Sink?”
“EWW!” We finished the movie with time leftover, so we decided to watch…I dunno. The Simpsons. During a commercial for a car, and “You Sexy Thing” playing in the background, Leah turned to Will.
“They’re talking about YOU,” she grinned. Will gave a nervous laugh and scooted away from her. I leaned over and hit her.
“Stop scaring him!”
“Owwie!”
“You want them to be friends with us, right?”
“You’re making me BLEED!”
“RIGHT?”
“YES!” I leaned back over to my spot, but didn’t stop there. I continued leaning until my head was resting on Jack’s shoulder.
“Uh…”
“HIPPOCRIT!” Leah screamed.
“HIPPO?” I screamed back, “YOU’RE CALLING ME FAT!”
“WHAT? NO!” (AN: I actually know what a hippocrit is and it’s not a fat person.i’m not that stupid) Oh, well, it cleanses my soul to know you're not that stupid.
Jack postpones recapturing the Black Pearl in order to help out the Sues. No commentary necessary...just let the awfulness wash over you.
Chapter 15:tortuga ho! Only one? Aren't there four of you?
Steffie, Kennie, Leah, and I went down to the lower decks after about five minutes after we left Port Royal harbor. Jack had found a deck of cards for us to play with. Kennie wanted to play poker with all the money Jack had stolen. The rest of us declined, and we all decided on playing Crazy Eights.
After about twenty minutes, Kennie interrupted our game.
“I’m sorry, but I need to take care of something…over the side of the ship,” she said. She laid down her cards and hastily left for the stairs.
“What’s up with her?” Leah asked.
“Seasick I think,” I said, picking up a card.
“Poor kid,” Jack said from the corner.
“AAAAAAAHHH JACK YOU SAID YOU WERE ON DECK STEERING THE SHIP!” Leah screamed. Steffie and I jumped.
“Oh, did I ?” Jack said, with an innocent smile.
“God Jack!” Leah said, thumping her chest. “You make me feel like you’re stalking us, you pervert!” Jack seemed slightly taken aback.
“What?” he said in disbelief. “WHAT?”
“What Leah is trying to say,” Kennie said, walking down the stairs, holding her stomach, “is that she expected you to be on deck steering the ship and making sure we don’t die. But you’re not, and instead you’re down here. Instead of giving us the privilege of privacy and doing whatever the hell we want, you’re here without our knowing and watching us like a sexual predator, stalking us and watching us like…a pervert.” Jack blinked.
“Yeah, well,” he said. “The whelp is steering the ship. I trust him enough to put the Interceptor in his hands.”
“Then you should trust us enough to leave us alone,” Kennie said, sitting down and picking up her cards. Jack opened his mouth to say something, but then closed it. I looked from Kennie to Jack questioningly, but said nothing.
“Need something, Jack?” Kennie asked, smiling.
“…No,” Jack said, and left. Leah and Steffie glanced at Kennie. She raised an eyebrow questioningly.
“I think you may have gotten Jack to hate you,” Steffie said.
“Meh,” Kennie said, putting down a card. “I’ll just wing it.”
“Does winging it usually help you anything?” I asked.
“Not really.” She put down another card. Steffie and Leah shrugged it off and we continued playing our game. When we finished with Crazy Eights, Kennie taught us how to play Gin Rummy, apparently her favorite card game.
“I first learned how to play Gin Rummy on a plane trip to Thailand,” she said. “My sister taught me. I totally schooled her.” (AN:that’s a true story.on my last vacation to thailand,my sister pulled out a deck of cards and said “hey.i’m bored.so I’m gonna teach you how to play gin.”it’s a really fun game.)
We played a few rounds of Gin Rummy before we decided to visit Jack and Will on deck. We found Jack steering the help of the Interceptor and Will was up in the Crow’s Nest.
“Jack,” Leah said. “Do you hate Kennie?” Jack stared at her blankly. “Because if you do…” She raised a fist with mock-anger.
“What Leah is still trying to say,” Steffie said, grabbing Leah’s fist and lowering it, “is that Kennie elaborated for Leah, but she may have put you on the spot. You seemed upset when you left, so we think you may have something against Kennie.” Jack stared at us blankly.
“I don’t hate the Kennie girl,” he said. “She’s not the one who said I was a pervert.” He glared at Leah.
“What?” Leah said, innocently. “That’s what it seemed like.” She smiled. Jack huffed at her and turned back to the helm.
“How much longer until we reach Tortuga?” I asked as Kennie ran to the side of the ship again. “I don’t think Kennie’s stomach can handle much more.” We watched Kennie run to the side of the ship and lean over.
“Eww…” Steffie said. “How much longer, Jack?”
“I don’t know,” he said, thoughtfully, looking at his compass again. “Not much. I don’t think so anyway.”
“Good,” Kennie said, walking back to us, again holding her stomach. “Sooner I get off this ship, the better the chance I’ll have of recovery.”
“You make it sound like you’re going to die,” I said.
“I feel like it.”
-
Around twenty to thirty minutes later, we spotted land. The sky was darkening, and as was the city. It was dimly lit by fires and streetlights. It smelled of dirt, alcohol, and blood. Kennie took another trip to the side of the ship.
We got off of the Interceptor, and promptly Kennie began to feel better. Jack tied the ship to the dock, avoiding having to pay the fee. In other words, he punched out the dock keeper. It didn’t matter. He was drunk anyway. The rest of us sighed and followed Jack into the grounds of Tortuga. As we walked, the stench of blood and alcohol became stronger, and most of us gagged. Jack and Will seemed unaffected as they openly headed for a bar. Of which, there was a lot of.
“We can’t drink!” Leah yelled. “We’re underage!”
“There are whores and drunks everywhere,” Kennie said. “I don’t like it here, Jack.” Jack didn’t exactly seem to mind the drunks as he continued to eye the whores.
“They’re showing off more than half of their breasts!” Steffie said. “It’s disgusting and discriminating to women!”
“That’s how they attract customers, luv,” Jack said. He walked off, half towards the bar, and half towards the women. Eventually, one walked over to him.
“Hey there, sailor,” the young woman said, stroking Jack’s arm. “Lookin’ for a good time?” Jack grinned.
“You bettcha,” he said. The four of us made “eww” and “awwh!” noises. In disgust, of course.
“Jack,” Kennie said, dragging Jack away from the woman. “Please stay focused.” He reluctantly pulled himself away from the woman.
“Fine,” he said. “But when we have free time to do whatever, I get double time with her.”
“Why would you want her anyway?” I asked.
“Yeah, there are plenty of them back where we come from,” Leah said. “It’s called Las Vegas.” (AN:people who live in the general area of Nevada,United States, know what I’m talking about.)
“…Really?” Jack said, scratching his goatee.
“Drop it, Jack,” Will said. He pulled him to a bar and we followed.
“Why are we going to a bar?” I asked.
“I need a drink,” Jack and Will said in unison. The rest of us sighed and followed.
“What’ll yeh have?” the bartender asked.
“Two rums,” Jack answered.
“What about yer girls?”
“…Water.” The bartender served us, Jack promptly began to drain his rum, and Kennie sampled the water we were served.
“It still tastes like alcohol,” she said, putting down the mug. The rest of us tried our waters. The bitter taste of rum met my tongue, and I spat it back into the mug.
“Jack,” Leah said, tugging on his arm, “we need REAL water. This tastes like rum.”
“No kiddin’,” Jack said. “This is a bar.”
“Jack,” Kennie said, “we’re gonna die if we deep getting spiked water. We need something fresh. Something we can actually drink without gagging on.” The three of us nodded in agreement.
“There’s water on the ship,” Jack said. “Go with Will.”
“Jack…” I said.
“All right, all right,” he said. He swigged down the rest of his rum, put down the mug, and headed for the exit. We followed.
We reached the ship and Jack went to get the water. He found a cup and we all drank a little.
“So why are we here anyway?” Kennie asked, wiping her mouth with the back of her hand.
“For one thing,” Jack said, closing up the water barrel, “to get away from Port Royal.”
“…Anything else?”
“Not really. Barbossa has my ship and I want it back,” Jack said. “So I kind of need a crew.”
“Can’t you put that off for a while?” I asked. “You promised you’d get us back to our world.”
“Yeah,” Jack said. “I guess I can.” He sighed.
CULPRIT: My Life Craves Pirates
SUMMARY:Jack and Will are transported to the 21st century by means of a magical washing machine and don't adapt well.especially with myself and 3 other friends to guide them.they try to go back,and end up taking us with them.major chaos.still unintentionally funny!chapter 22 up!
BEST LINE:“YOU GUYS KILLED BUBBLY WASH!” Steffie screamed. She had this little knack of calling Monnie’s washing machine Bubbly Wash and baby talking to it.
And:
“Will you let it GO?” I said, grabbing another can of root beer. “And NO chugging competition!”
:Five minutes later:
“CHUG IT, CHUG IT, CHUG IT!” I popped open another can and chugged half of it.
“OW!” I said, “IT BURNS!”
“CHUG IT, CHUG IT, SHOES, CHUG IT, CH-!”
“LEAH!”
:whuBAM: That sound was Araeph taking an oar to the back of Leah's head.
Verdict:
NAME: Stephanie, Leah, Monique, and Kennie
HAIR: Not described
EYES: Not described
DISTINGUISHING FEATURES: They're so terrible that even when Jack and Will come under the sad fangirl-induced stupor that affects all canonicals in these fics, the two men are still fed up with them.
OH SO SPESHUL POSSESSIONS: A magical washing machine.
OBNOXIOUS AND/OR IMPLAUSIBLE ORIGIN: The 21st century.
OBNOXIOUS AND/OR IMPLAUSIBLE CANON CONNECTIONS/AFFILIATIONS: They all want a piece of Jack and Will. I don't have the patience to sort things out...I think they're sort of equal opportunity stalkers.
SOOPER SPESHUL ABILITIES: Time travel and the ability to make Jack care SO MUCH about the four that he's willing to leave Will in command of the Interceptor just so he can spy on the Sues.
THE "PLOT": "Oh, no!" the readers think going in. "It's another 'Oops OMG Jack & Will have been dropped into our world OMG what will happen?' stories!" Don't worry...it's not just a story about that. In this story, Jack and Will get dragged to our world and then they drag two Mary Sues to their world! Hey, why only have one rotten plot device when you can have two? I know I've been pining for a double whammy.
Anyway...the girls are at "Monny" (Monique's) house when she opens the lid to her washing machine and discovers Jack and Will. Her washing machine must be heavy duty. I keep picturing all the ones I've used. Fitting just one man in there, with the lid closed, would take a lot of practice; two would require some serious dismemberment. Then again, I don't understand how the Fellowship can travel through the pipes to appear out of a fangirl's toilet, either, at least not without channeling Tim Allen's Santa.
Convinced from the very start that no one is playing a hoax and that the washing machine really is a time portal, the Sues literally latch onto the two guys and make them accompany the girls almost everywhere. This is supposed to be funny. Jack and Will don't think this is such a good time, apparently, because they decide to go back through and-the SUSPENSE!-the girls travel with them. Elizabeth is nowhere to be found, but that doesn't prevent the Sues from re-enacting the first movie with them in place of Elizabeth and with Norrington once again resembling a hard-hearted snob. Yay.
NOTES: Never have I seen such a bad case of arrested character development. This isn't just the usual OOC: not only do the Sues meddle with what Jack and Will were like in the beginning of the first movie, but they prevent Jack and Will from taking up their adventure and developing their personalities. The two just drop their entire lives to help the girls out. Also mystifying is the fact that when the portal functions the opposite way and drags the Sues into PotC, they land near the beginning of the movie. Yet, Jack and Will seem like best buddies instead of two men who've just met, are not overly fond of each other, and are associating to accomplish a goal.
By the way...think I should up the rating? It's not that high because this is a by-the-numbers kind of badness, but it does have some rather horrid qualities. I'm ambivalent. Or maybe just on spin cycle.
Capslock rises up from the deep and thwacks the already listing fanfic.
ahoy there!this be a POTC randomness story!…it has self insertions,yes.me and three friends.we use fake names to hide our identities,so don’t go telling everyone My Life Craves Pirates’ real name is Kendra. I wouldn't even want a fake identity to be associated with this dreck.
Jack and Will are transported to the 21st century by means of a magical washing machine. And they BOTH FIT in a washing machine at the same time?! they adapt poorly to their new surroundings,and the tons of screaming fan girls.until they drag us to their world…
Pirate Switch
by My Life Craves Pirates(and company)
(setting starts off at “Monique”’s house.just so you’re not confused)
Chapter 1: snap,crackle,pop
:Pop:
“OOOoooHhh…” Leah said, staring wide eyed at the slowly rising bag of popcorn, “it’s getting so BIG!”
:POP:
“AND LOUD!” Stephanie yelled over the explosion.
“Explosion?” I said.
:kaBOOM:
“Noooo!” Leah whined.
“What went wrong?” Monique said, confused.
“BUTTER IS HOT!” I screamed. The canon characters stand around Tia Dalma's table, thunderstruck at the appearance of Barbossa. He descends the stairs, taking great pleasure in their befuddlement. The cast is about to embark on a life-threatening quest to rescue Jack and-hey, is that a fanfic with BUTTERED POPCORN as the highlight of its first scene?! Wow, forget pirate adventures! I'm gonna have fun imagining staring at a microwave! I dropped my soda and frantically ran around the room. I heard Steffie say-
“It NEVER explodes when I make it.”
“…MY MICROWAVE!” Monnie screamed. They all stared at me.
“What?” I said.
“Kendra,” Steffie said, “What did you do?”
“WHAT?”
“I’LL MAKE YOU SNORT PIXI STIX!” Leah screamed.
“I ALREADY DO!”
“YOU PUT THE POPCORN IN MY MICROWAVE!” Monnie screamed, “WHAT DID YOU DO?”
“KENNIE, YOU’RE GOING TO BLOW UP MONNIE’S WHOLE HOUSE!” Leah screamed.
“Girls?”
“My mom!” Monnie said, “HIDE THE MICROWAVE!” We threw a kitchen towel over the remainders of the microwave.
“Monique,” her mom said, “I’m going to Costco. I’ll be home in five hours.”
“Five hours?” we repeated.
“It takes two hours to get there!”
“Okay, okay,” Monnie said. Her mom left.
“Hold on!” Monnie’s dad came down the stairswith her uncle, who randomly decided to visit earlier, Thanks for telling us all of these facts that we absolutely need to know. And am I the only one doing a double-take at every adult that crops up in Teenager Land? “We’re going golfing.”
“And leave the girls ALONE?”
“They’ll be fine. Right girls?”
“Yeah!” Steffie said. They pulled out of the driveway and drove off. None of us noticed Monnie, who wandered into her kitchen, and screamed.
“WHAT?” we yelled, running into the kitchen.
“THE TOWEL’S ON FIRE!”
“QUICK, KENDRA, SPIT ON IT!” Leah yelled.
“WHAT?” I yelled back.
“YOU SALIVATE A LOT, I KNOW YOU DO!”
“WHAT?” Steffie grabbed my soda and threw it on the microwave.
“MY ROOT BEER!” I'm really sorry for this, guys. I know it's depressing to know that stories like this exist.
“IT’S STILL PLUGGED IN!” Monnie shrieked.
:KABOOM:
When I opened my eyes, I was standing on my head against the opposite wall, with everyone else positioned variously. Leah was on the wall next to me, Steffie was on the table, and Monnie was on their light fixture.
“…Steffie did that,” I said, getting up. Everyone else did too, and Monnie climbed off the light fixture.
“Err…”
“AAAAAAHH!”
“MONIQUE!” we yelled. We dashed over to her. “WHAT?”
“MY MOM LEFT ME CHORES!”
“…I’m speechless,” I said.
“We’ll help!” Leah said.
“We will? -OW! SHIZ!” I yelled as Steffie drove her elbow into my ribs. Monnie
beamed.
“Great!” she said. She quickly went down the list. “Weed the garden, water plants, laundry, go-LAUNDRY?”
“Huh? What’s so bad about doing the laundry?” I asked.
“IT’S LAUNDRY! DIRTY CLOTHES…UNDERWEAR!” Wow. You know, I have dirty laundry to do, too. Guess I'll react like I'm about to pole-vault over the Grand Canyon!
“My mom makes me wash MY-um…”
“…Yes?” Leah said.
“………shoes.”
“Shoes.”
“Just wear gloves.”
“Shoes.” The horror!
The indignities of bubbly wash...and bubbly bimbos.
“MONNIE!” I yelled.
“BUBBLY WASH!” Steffie yelled.
“MONNIE AND BUBBLY WASH!” Leah yelled, slightly confused. We ran to the laundry room.
:gasp:
“N…no WAY!” I said.
“What? Where are we?” Leah squealed.
“ORLANDO BLOOM!”
“Who?”
“ORLANDO-JOHNNY DEPP!”
“…Will? I dun know where we are, but I dun like it.” Introducing: Failure to Make A Character Talk Like A Pirate Day! It's celebrated all the time in this fandom! The other man nodded.
“YOU GUYS KILLED BUBBLY WASH!” Steffie screamed. She had this little knack of calling Monnie’s washing machine Bubbly Wash and baby talking to it.
“Wait…” I said, “They don’t know who Orlie and Johnny are. Maybe they’re…they’re…”
“Impossible!” Steffie said, “They’re only characters of a movie! They have to be the real thing!” Once again we have this assumption that just because two men looking exactly like Johnny Depp and Orlando Bloom in costume show up and talk like they're Jack and Will, this automatically means that they MUST be Jack and Will! My first question would be about how they got in the washing machine, not if they were supposedly fictional.
“No…”
“They’re denying it!”
“They’re dressed like Jack and Will! Proof Positive!” I said, “Who goes around wearing dirty clothes like a pirate everywhere all day?”
"We do!"
“Jack! Get out! I’m squished!” Jack lept out of the washing machine, Assuming they both managed to fit inside, they would hardly be able to move and would have to be crouching. And Jack is leaping out from a dead standstill? Monnie gaping.
“What did you do to my washing machine?”
“WHAT DID YOU DO TO BUBBLY WASH?”
“The what?”
“…Nothing,” Monnie said, “Are you guys really Jack and Will?”
“I think so.”
“Yes ‘um.” She blushed.
“You’re…so…SEXY!” Leah said. I know that's the first thing I'd say if two strange men showed up in my basement. I gaped.
“Oh my…”
End Chapter 2
Chapter 3: you sexy thing
“Err…” So here we are,trying to figure out what to do with Jack and Will. This was the greatest thing that’s ever happened to us, so we can’t send them back. But at the same time, we can’t keep them here forever.
“What do we do?” Steffie said, arms wrapped around Will…can she read minds? Because that’s what I was thinking…creepy.
“Um…please let go,” Will said, shifting his legs a little.
“No! NEVER! You’re mine, MINE!”
“YOU HAVE TO SHARE!” Leah yelled.
“NO! You can have Jack!”
“KENNIE HAS HIM!”
“What?” Jack said. He looked down at me. “AAH! That’s MY leg! GET OFF!”
“And she’s viciously guarding him!” Leah said. I snarled.
“Err…well, ya still can’t have me leg."
“Try me!” I said, gripping his leg tighter. You know what's really disgusting? If this were a Sue in the Caribbean, and a man did that to her, she'd yell for Jack or kick him off, howling about jerks and harassment. But the guys get this treatment, and it's just supposed to be, "Hahahaha, they're fangirls so it's okay." It's not.
“Kendra!” Steffie yelled, “You’re cutting off his blood circulation!”
“AAHH!” I dropped to the ground. I grabbed Jack’s arm for support (“What, now you’re claiming my arm?”) and pulled myself up. By now we were all choking and hyperventalating.
“Uh…GIRL TALK!” I yelled. I grabbed Jack and Will by the arm, pulled them down the hall and locked them in the bathroom (you know,chair against the door?…we’ll just say there’s always a random chair in the hall).
“KENNIE!” Leah screamed, “What are you DOING?”
“Talking!” I grabbed the three of them and pushed them into the living room. “What the HELL do we do? We can’t keep them! They don’t belong here! How do we keep them hidden? WE STILL HAVE SCHOOL!”
“Hm…” Steffie said, “She’s got a point.”
“We could just hide them in my room,” Monnie said.
“What, YOU get to keep the hotties and WE don’t?” Leah said.
“Hey!” Jack yelled, “Can we come out now?”
“NO! Shut up!” I yelled back.
“Could we take turns?” Leah asked.
“I…I guess,” Monnie answered. We had reached an agreement. I walked back to the bathroom
:THUMP:
:THUMP:
Sounds like they’re throwing themselves against the door…or something. I grab the chair, pull back and-
:WHUMP:
“OOF!”
“AAAAAAHHHH!” Jack and Will tripped out of the bathroom and collided into me, forcing the three of us onto the ground.
“My squiggly spooch…” I moaned (AN:tell me you’ve all seen Invader ZIM). Even if I had, it wouldn't justify this unfunny non sequitur. I adjusted my glasses.
“You should really get contacts,” Leah said, “Like me and Monnie.”
“Mom says I can’t get them until high school,” I said, “She said braces come first.”
:RING:
“I GOT IT!” Monnie picked up the phone. “Hello?…MOM! Er…uh…fine. You?…Great. Oh. Oh yeah, THAT bites. Well, um, see you.” She hung up.
“Well?” I asked.
“She’s caught in traffic. Not going to be home for at least another hour. That gives us some time.”
“Well, wanna finish up the movie?” I said. The others shrugged.
“Hey! He looks like you!” Jack elbowed Will.
“Yeah…SHE looks like Elizabeth.”
“HE looks like…ME. What’s going on?…Miss What’s Yer Name…” We haven’t even introduced ourselves yet!
“Uh…I’m Kendra,” I said, “She’s Stephanie, she’s Monique, and she’s Leah.”
“Or,” Steffie said, “You can call her Kennie, me Steffie, her Monnie, and…Leah…Leah.”
“Oh…well…let’s see, who looks intelligent…”
“Hey!”
“Err…you…um…(thinks) Stephanie.”
“YES?” She said excitedly.
“Uh…what’s going on?”
“Okay, well you see: We were helping Monnie with chores outside, and it started to rain, so we went inside and started to watch a movie called Pirates of the Carribean, and we still had to do the laundry, so we…SHE opened the washing machine and out popped YOU two!” She took a breath.
“We STILL have to do the laundry!” Monnie said.
“You have no washing machine!” I said, “It’s a portal to the 18th century!”
“So?”
“You can’t wash it in THERE! Three centuries ago they did NOT have electricity and did laundry by HAND!” She blinked.
“HOW AM I GOING TO DO THE LAUNDRY?”
“I DON’T KNOW!”
“Sink?”
“EWW!” We finished the movie with time leftover, so we decided to watch…I dunno. The Simpsons. During a commercial for a car, and “You Sexy Thing” playing in the background, Leah turned to Will.
“They’re talking about YOU,” she grinned. Will gave a nervous laugh and scooted away from her. I leaned over and hit her.
“Stop scaring him!”
“Owwie!”
“You want them to be friends with us, right?”
“You’re making me BLEED!”
“RIGHT?”
“YES!” I leaned back over to my spot, but didn’t stop there. I continued leaning until my head was resting on Jack’s shoulder.
“Uh…”
“HIPPOCRIT!” Leah screamed.
“HIPPO?” I screamed back, “YOU’RE CALLING ME FAT!”
“WHAT? NO!” (AN: I actually know what a hippocrit is and it’s not a fat person.i’m not that stupid) Oh, well, it cleanses my soul to know you're not that stupid.
Jack postpones recapturing the Black Pearl in order to help out the Sues. No commentary necessary...just let the awfulness wash over you.
Chapter 15:tortuga ho! Only one? Aren't there four of you?
Steffie, Kennie, Leah, and I went down to the lower decks after about five minutes after we left Port Royal harbor. Jack had found a deck of cards for us to play with. Kennie wanted to play poker with all the money Jack had stolen. The rest of us declined, and we all decided on playing Crazy Eights.
After about twenty minutes, Kennie interrupted our game.
“I’m sorry, but I need to take care of something…over the side of the ship,” she said. She laid down her cards and hastily left for the stairs.
“What’s up with her?” Leah asked.
“Seasick I think,” I said, picking up a card.
“Poor kid,” Jack said from the corner.
“AAAAAAAHHH JACK YOU SAID YOU WERE ON DECK STEERING THE SHIP!” Leah screamed. Steffie and I jumped.
“Oh, did I ?” Jack said, with an innocent smile.
“God Jack!” Leah said, thumping her chest. “You make me feel like you’re stalking us, you pervert!” Jack seemed slightly taken aback.
“What?” he said in disbelief. “WHAT?”
“What Leah is trying to say,” Kennie said, walking down the stairs, holding her stomach, “is that she expected you to be on deck steering the ship and making sure we don’t die. But you’re not, and instead you’re down here. Instead of giving us the privilege of privacy and doing whatever the hell we want, you’re here without our knowing and watching us like a sexual predator, stalking us and watching us like…a pervert.” Jack blinked.
“Yeah, well,” he said. “The whelp is steering the ship. I trust him enough to put the Interceptor in his hands.”
“Then you should trust us enough to leave us alone,” Kennie said, sitting down and picking up her cards. Jack opened his mouth to say something, but then closed it. I looked from Kennie to Jack questioningly, but said nothing.
“Need something, Jack?” Kennie asked, smiling.
“…No,” Jack said, and left. Leah and Steffie glanced at Kennie. She raised an eyebrow questioningly.
“I think you may have gotten Jack to hate you,” Steffie said.
“Meh,” Kennie said, putting down a card. “I’ll just wing it.”
“Does winging it usually help you anything?” I asked.
“Not really.” She put down another card. Steffie and Leah shrugged it off and we continued playing our game. When we finished with Crazy Eights, Kennie taught us how to play Gin Rummy, apparently her favorite card game.
“I first learned how to play Gin Rummy on a plane trip to Thailand,” she said. “My sister taught me. I totally schooled her.” (AN:that’s a true story.on my last vacation to thailand,my sister pulled out a deck of cards and said “hey.i’m bored.so I’m gonna teach you how to play gin.”it’s a really fun game.)
We played a few rounds of Gin Rummy before we decided to visit Jack and Will on deck. We found Jack steering the help of the Interceptor and Will was up in the Crow’s Nest.
“Jack,” Leah said. “Do you hate Kennie?” Jack stared at her blankly. “Because if you do…” She raised a fist with mock-anger.
“What Leah is still trying to say,” Steffie said, grabbing Leah’s fist and lowering it, “is that Kennie elaborated for Leah, but she may have put you on the spot. You seemed upset when you left, so we think you may have something against Kennie.” Jack stared at us blankly.
“I don’t hate the Kennie girl,” he said. “She’s not the one who said I was a pervert.” He glared at Leah.
“What?” Leah said, innocently. “That’s what it seemed like.” She smiled. Jack huffed at her and turned back to the helm.
“How much longer until we reach Tortuga?” I asked as Kennie ran to the side of the ship again. “I don’t think Kennie’s stomach can handle much more.” We watched Kennie run to the side of the ship and lean over.
“Eww…” Steffie said. “How much longer, Jack?”
“I don’t know,” he said, thoughtfully, looking at his compass again. “Not much. I don’t think so anyway.”
“Good,” Kennie said, walking back to us, again holding her stomach. “Sooner I get off this ship, the better the chance I’ll have of recovery.”
“You make it sound like you’re going to die,” I said.
“I feel like it.”
-
Around twenty to thirty minutes later, we spotted land. The sky was darkening, and as was the city. It was dimly lit by fires and streetlights. It smelled of dirt, alcohol, and blood. Kennie took another trip to the side of the ship.
We got off of the Interceptor, and promptly Kennie began to feel better. Jack tied the ship to the dock, avoiding having to pay the fee. In other words, he punched out the dock keeper. It didn’t matter. He was drunk anyway. The rest of us sighed and followed Jack into the grounds of Tortuga. As we walked, the stench of blood and alcohol became stronger, and most of us gagged. Jack and Will seemed unaffected as they openly headed for a bar. Of which, there was a lot of.
“We can’t drink!” Leah yelled. “We’re underage!”
“There are whores and drunks everywhere,” Kennie said. “I don’t like it here, Jack.” Jack didn’t exactly seem to mind the drunks as he continued to eye the whores.
“They’re showing off more than half of their breasts!” Steffie said. “It’s disgusting and discriminating to women!”
“That’s how they attract customers, luv,” Jack said. He walked off, half towards the bar, and half towards the women. Eventually, one walked over to him.
“Hey there, sailor,” the young woman said, stroking Jack’s arm. “Lookin’ for a good time?” Jack grinned.
“You bettcha,” he said. The four of us made “eww” and “awwh!” noises. In disgust, of course.
“Jack,” Kennie said, dragging Jack away from the woman. “Please stay focused.” He reluctantly pulled himself away from the woman.
“Fine,” he said. “But when we have free time to do whatever, I get double time with her.”
“Why would you want her anyway?” I asked.
“Yeah, there are plenty of them back where we come from,” Leah said. “It’s called Las Vegas.” (AN:people who live in the general area of Nevada,United States, know what I’m talking about.)
“…Really?” Jack said, scratching his goatee.
“Drop it, Jack,” Will said. He pulled him to a bar and we followed.
“Why are we going to a bar?” I asked.
“I need a drink,” Jack and Will said in unison. The rest of us sighed and followed.
“What’ll yeh have?” the bartender asked.
“Two rums,” Jack answered.
“What about yer girls?”
“…Water.” The bartender served us, Jack promptly began to drain his rum, and Kennie sampled the water we were served.
“It still tastes like alcohol,” she said, putting down the mug. The rest of us tried our waters. The bitter taste of rum met my tongue, and I spat it back into the mug.
“Jack,” Leah said, tugging on his arm, “we need REAL water. This tastes like rum.”
“No kiddin’,” Jack said. “This is a bar.”
“Jack,” Kennie said, “we’re gonna die if we deep getting spiked water. We need something fresh. Something we can actually drink without gagging on.” The three of us nodded in agreement.
“There’s water on the ship,” Jack said. “Go with Will.”
“Jack…” I said.
“All right, all right,” he said. He swigged down the rest of his rum, put down the mug, and headed for the exit. We followed.
We reached the ship and Jack went to get the water. He found a cup and we all drank a little.
“So why are we here anyway?” Kennie asked, wiping her mouth with the back of her hand.
“For one thing,” Jack said, closing up the water barrel, “to get away from Port Royal.”
“…Anything else?”
“Not really. Barbossa has my ship and I want it back,” Jack said. “So I kind of need a crew.”
“Can’t you put that off for a while?” I asked. “You promised you’d get us back to our world.”
“Yeah,” Jack said. “I guess I can.” He sighed.