Lockets and diaries and black velvet dresses, these are a few of Sue's favourite things
I keep meaning to contribute more to this community and then I never do because I'm really a terribly lazy person. So, to assuage my guilt, I've pulled out all the stops for this post and in addition to the standard Mary Sue report I have a couple of extra things for you.
1. Two links to things you may find interesting. The first is a recent livejournal discussion wherein fabu appeals for reasons why people don't like Elizabeth Swann. The second link is to the longlisted passages for the Bad Sex in Fiction award, because pro-ficcers are capable of writing stuff that would make even the suethors cringe.
2. The author of today's Sue also has a little poem up at the Pit of Voles and, following on from Araeph's recent exploration of bad poetry, I thought I'd present it to you. But you don't have to read it! Oh no. I've done all that for you. Give your eyes a break and let your ears take the strain for a change as you settle back and listen to me read you - complete with grammar errors - A Pirate Poem (it's about 2.5Mb and I apologise in advance for the occasionally explosive b's and p's).
Now, on with the report:
TITLE: A Swashbuckling Experience
CULPRIT: jackNwillsPIRATElass
SUMMARY: Anna, A waitress in Tortuga is sexually abuse by a pirate. When she leaves she finds a clue that her father and sister are still alive. She goes searching for them. But is that all shes searching for...
BEST LINE: "Anamaria had already gotten up obviously because there was no Anamaria in Anamaria's bed." Pointing out the redundancy here would seem in itself to be redundant except that "redundant" just doesn't seem quite a strong enough word in this instance, failing to entirely get across the excessively supererogatory superfluousness of the majority of the sentence.
THE VERDICT:
NAME: Anna Sonders/Swann.
HAIR: Dark brown.
EYES: Green.
DISTINGUISHING FEATURES: Is "pleasantly slim" and has a "lovely tanned face".
OH SO SPESHUL POSSESSIONS: A locket, a diary and a black velvet dress, all bequeathed to her by her tragically dead mother.
OBNOXIOUS AND/OR IMPLAUSIBLE ORIGIN: Governor Swann.
OBNOXIOUS AND/OR IMPLAUSIBLE CANON CONNECTIONS/AFFILIATIONS: Is Governor Swann's daughter and Elizabeth's elder sister. She is also, of course, Jack's One True Love. The only woman ever to whom he's "expressed his feelings". Apparently, this is something pirates are not supposed to do.
SOOPER SPESHUL ABILITIES: Demonstrates the usual inexplicably awesome fighting skills as she single-handedly takes out an entire pirate crew armed only with a cutlass, a dagger and several hundred feet of rope. Knows the Spanish for "locket".
THE "PLOT": Anna is a waitress in "Tortuga's most famous pub". She spends her days mopping floors, being irritated by her boss and mourning the tragic death of her tragically dead mother. One day, while wearing her dead mother's entirely impractical long black velvet dress, she walks past Jack Sparrow who, on a whim, fondles her bottom (this is the "sexual abuse" alluded to in the summary). She makes a fuss, slaps Jack and promptly loses her job and lodgings. Jack, feeling responsible, offers to take her aboard the Black Pearl. Anna is understandably conflicted: on the one hand this man has just sexually harassed her and clearly has designs on her pleasantly slim body, but on the other hand he is handsome. Needless to say, she accepts his offer.
On board, Anna learns from her mother's diary that she has a sister and her father is the Governor of Port Royal (Exactly why her mother chose to keep these details from her is unclear and never fully explained. Likewise, how they came to be separated in the first place. It seems that pirates were involved, but beyond that your guess is as good as mine). She cunningly goads a reluctant Jack into taking her to Port Royal so she can be reunited with her family by suggesting that he is scared. Well, as we all know, Captain Jack Sparrow won't have anyone call him a chicken, so off they go! On the journey, there is much grappling with feelings. Jack is understandably conflicted: on the one hand Captain Jack Sparrow never falls in love and anyway women are for "pleasurable uses" only (even though she won't have sex with him), on the other hand she is beautiful. Needless to say, they fall in love. Except that Jack won't admit it. Because he's a pirate.
In Port Royal, Jack and Anna hide from Norrington's men in the smithy, where of course they meet Will. Will runs the place now: "they" put him in charge after "they" fired Mr Brown for sleeping on the job (Who this all-powerful "they" are is unclear and never fully explained). Then, all three of them go off to the Governor's house (where Will and Elizabeth seem to be living in sin), and the two long-lost sisters are tearfully reunited. Apropos of nothing, Jack requests rum but doesn't get any. Governor Swann's reaction on being introduced to his new daughter is to faint dead away, although later he recovers and welcomes Anna into the bosom of her family, which pleases her greatly.
Anna's new perfect life is overshadowed, however, by the knowledge that Jack must soon leave. When he wakes her the following morning to say goodbye, she convinces him to at least stay for breakfast. But who should also be at the table that morning but Commodore Norrington! (Except that it's not the real Norrington - it's the snivelling pathetic hateful ugly Norrington of suethor fanon) Of course Anna takes an instant dislike to him, and when her father takes her aside to suggest that she ought really to marry Norrington for her own good, she storms out and escapes back to the Pearl with Jack, Norrington's men in hot pursuit. For some reason, Will and Elizabeth escape with them.
Although Norrington and the Governor follow on the Dauntless and begin firing cannons at them, Anna holds up a hastily made sign expressing her choice not to marry Norrington, who she privately considers to be an "old prune", and this is apparently enough to placate her father. The Dauntless returns to Port Royal and the Black Pearl escapes unscathed. Later - on their way to, of course, Tortuga - Jack finally confesses his love to Anna and not for the first time they kiss deeply. But, horrors! It seems peevy Norrington has hired a mercenary pirate crew, led by someone called Captain Threshold, to capture Anna and they have somehow managed to catch up with the nigh uncatchable Black Pearl.
There is fighting. Jack is stabbed. Anna is captured. Gibbs takes control of the Black Pearl and off they all go back towards Port Royal. Again. Still, that night, Anna manages to escape by murdering Captain Threshold in his bed and then knocking out and tying up each and every remaining crew member one by one. Then she simply lets down the anchor and waits for the Black Pearl to come along and pick her up, whereupon she is relieved to find that Jack is still alive.
They continue on to Port Royal so that Anna can get revenge on Norrington, which she does by menacing him vaguely with her dagger and locking him up in a cell at the fort. Then she tells her father about the whole hired pirates debacle and he has Norrington demoted to the rank of servant. Anna considers this fitting punishment and they all live happily ever after. Except Norrington, obviously.
NOTES : I apologise for that fairly epic plot summary which, in parts, may actually be more finely detailed than the fic itself, but I was in a particularly dogged mood today, managing to get through all eighteen chapters, and dammit if I wasn't going to share all of them with you.
Ironic that Norrington is considered an "old prune" when Jack Davenport is a full decade younger than Johnny Depp. And by "ironic" I mean "induces in one the sudden overwhelming desire to do uncharacteristically violent things in order to relieve intense frustration".
EXCERPT :
Author’s Notes: Ok I do not own any Pirates of the Caribbean characters or anything to do with POTC but I do own my made up character ‘Anna Sonders’.
Remember to review! P.S. This is my first story so go easy on me, if you like it that’s awesome! If you don’t it’s simple...DON’T READ IT! To paraphrase Futurama's Anthology of Interest: I READ IT! I CAN'T UNREAD IT! Thanks
A Swashbuckling Experience
Anna the Waitress
The warm Caribbean sun was shining upon Tortuga. Usually Tortuga would be a such revolting sort of place, but that was only at night, during the day, the drunken men were in bed with hangovers, not many whores were around because they would probably be abed with the men with hangovers and little children were outside playing. Tortuga was a perfect place during the day. If one only took shallow breaths, one could almost entirely ignore the stench of the open sewers and chuckle paternally at the sight of one enterprising young lad poking enthusiastically at an elderly dog carcass with his sister's cup-and-ball while she looked on and screamed.
Anna Sonders, a waitress of Tortuga’s most famous pub, she was 25 years old, she had long dark brown hair, green eyes; she was pleasantly slim and she wore her mothers long black velvet dress. A cumbersome garment, now worn rather thin about the knees and liberally stained with substances Anna was reluctant to investigate too closely. She stopped working for a moment and gazed out the window. She saw a ship in the distance...
‘Anna! Get back to work!’
Anna heard her boss’s irritating voice.
‘Yes Miss’, Anna replied.
And she continued to mop the floors. The hem of her skirt was sopping wet and filthy and she was sweating like a horse. It occurred to her then that putting her mother's dress through the rigours of manual labour was perhaps not the most sensible thing to have done, but how else could she be both tragic and glamorous?
‘Ah! Finally its break time’, Anna said as she laid down on her bed in the very tiny room that had been given to her for exchange of work. At least you've got a room to yourself - I bet you anything you like that Estrella has to share with a pot girl who talks in her sleep.
‘Stupid slut’, she mumbled about her boss.
‘I have to get out of hear...but how?’ Oh, that's easy - you're a Sue: ask, and ye shall receive...
‘I wish you were here mother...why did you have to die?......’ she said quietly when tears started to go down her lovely tanned face.
Anna’s mother died from cancer a year ago. Anna was living on the streets of Tortuga when her boss said she could have a room for exchange of work.
Anna wept on her pillow. More tears coming, one after the other they fell. Anna was interrupted again by her irritating boss. Okay, you keep telling us she's irritating. Can't say you've entirely convinced me of it yet.
‘Break’s up Anna!’ Her boss yelled loud enough for the entire universe to hear.
‘Coming!’ Anna said as she came rushing downstairs putting on her apron.
It’s was now getting dark. Whores and pirates were coming into the pub. She was called over by a man with long dark hair with dreadlocks, a small braided beard and a moustache. He was rather handsome.
‘One pot ‘o rum please darling’ he said with a grin.
Anna nodded and went to get his pot of rum. When she came back she place the rum on the table and began to walk off. She felt him grasp her arse. Tell me people, am I being merely naive if I consider this to be somewhat out of character for Jack?
Author’s Notes: I hope you enjoyed that chapter! Ooh! I wonder what will happen next? Sorry that it’s short! Don't apologise for that. The shortness was its finest quality. REVIEW SAVVY?
Author’s Notes: Thanks for Reviewing if you did! Heres the next chapter! R&R!
An annoying, but handsome Pirate
Anna turned around looking rather pissed off. No one, but no one was allowed to touch her sexually. No, no one is allowed to touch my sexually either.
‘WHAT IS YOUR PROBLEM SIR? DO YOU JUST GO AROUND SEXUALLY HARASSING EVERY WOMEN IN SIGHT? OR DID YOU THINK YOU WOULD GET LUCKY?!’ Anna screamed, while the handsome pirate squinted because how loud she yelled. You know, like our heroine will be later, I'm conflicted. On the one hand, as a feminist, I feel it is important that all accusations of sexual harrassment be taken seriously, on the other hand the author has so far failed to make me sympathise with her character in any way and quite frankly I couldn't care less about this lazy, self-pitying moron who says perfectly uncharitable things about her boss for no real reason and flounces around in a velvet dress considering herself above everyone else. Then he started grinning again.
‘Both luv’, he said. ‘And I’d appreciate if you called me Captain’. In the hands of the suethors, this desire of Jack's to always be addressed by a military title is faintly creepy.
She slapped him across the face. And started to storm upstairs to her room. Until her boss stopped her.
‘ANNA?!’, she yelled.
‘WHAT?’, she snapped back.
‘Do you realise who you just slapped?!’
‘Yeah, a scallywag who just abused me!’
‘That’s Captain Jack Sparrow of the fastest ship in the Caribbean the Black Pearl!’ So, is the boss irritating because she sometimes forgets to use punctuation when she speaks or...?
‘I don’t care who he is! He doesn’t have the right to do that to me! I’m no whore!’ So, he'd have the right to abuse a whore or...?
‘Right then...You’re fired!’
‘No, I quit!’, Anna screamed and stormed upstairs to collect her bag.
‘I can’t believe it!’ she said to herself. ‘I’m free! I have freedom!’ Well, only in the sense that you're free of employment and indoor living.
But Anna had no idea where she was going to go next. Get away, a Sue without a clue?
Anna heard a knock on her door.
‘It’s open!’ she called out.
The door opened, and in came her ex boss.
‘What do you want?’, Anna said.
‘Only to give you this, It was your mothers’ she threw an old diary on Anna’s bed.
Anna picked up the diary. Then smiled. Although she hated her boss, her boss had been kind to her over the past year. So, she hated her because...? Can anyone help me out here? Anyone? It was as if they both new that it was Anna’s time to go. Later, her boss would be dancing a mad jig, wooping and laughing and declaring to anyone that cared to listen that, tonight, the drinks were on the house, because she was finally rid of "that sour-faced, mean-spirited little layabout".
‘Thank you.’ Anna said as she threw her bag over her shoulder and walked out the door.
She saw Captain Sparrow sitting drinking his rum. Anna didn’t even look at him she just walked out of Tortuga’s most famous pub... Oops! Looks like I missed a Sooper Speshul Ability in the list above: that of seeing without looking.
Author Notes: Hope you liked it! I know I know it was short but I promise there will be loads of chapters! Review!
Author’s Notes: I really appreciate the fact that you guys actually took time to read my story, so thanks! Remember to read and review!
Aboard the fastest ship in the Caribbean
Anna had absolutely no idea where she was to go now. She decided to sit on the beach to think. The full moon shone. It was rather beautiful.
Anna felt a tap on her shoulder. She nearly jumped out of the atmosphere because it scared and shocked her. Oh, if only she had jumped out of the atmosphere, then she'd be left forever orbiting, until such time as she naturally burned up on reentry, and the rest of us could get on with our lives. Then she turned around to see who the person was. It was the man who pinched her arse, that Captain Jack Sparrow.
‘What do YOU want?’, Anna sniggered. Another classic suethorian incongruous verb choice.
‘I wanna apologise for what happened back there...’, Jack said hiding his face in the shadows of his very much so treasured hat, hoping no one would spot him talking to this bizarre and angry young woman.
‘You do?’, Anna replied trying to get a proper glimpse of his face.
Jack coughed.
‘Yeah...sorry’, he said still hiding his face.
‘That’s it?!’, Anna said. ‘After pinching a women on the arse, and thinking that she would just want to sleep with you, all you’ve got to say is sorry?!’
‘Really sorry?’, he asked.
‘More like sorry Anna, which happens to be my name, I’m sorry for pinching your arse without your permission, and humiliating you in front of the entire bar and not to mention your ex boss, which I’m also sorry for costing you your job and causing you to have no where to go...’, Anna said without a breath.
‘Your boss told me ye quit...’, Jack said still hiding his face.
‘That was after she fired me!’, Anna said looking angry.
‘Oh...sorry...for everything...Anna...’, he said.
Jack finally lifted his head up. Anna couldn’t help notice that he had kohl under his eyes. Which brought out his chocolate coloured eyes. If there was a Heave_Ho drinking game, we'd definitely all be taking a massive swig now.
‘Your forgiven’, Anna replied.
Jack smiled.
‘Your comin with me.’ He said. No, Jack! For the love of the heathen gods, no!
‘What?’, Anna said looking shocked.
‘It’s cos’ of me you have nowhere to with me aboard the Black Pearl’. He said looking down kicking the sand, trying to see if the missing part of the sentence had fallen down there somewhere.
Anna’s POV
‘Should I go?’, she thought.
‘No he’s just trying to sleep with you’, she began to fight with herself. *snort* If the sight of this woman throwing herself around on the sand, giving herself a good going over doesn't give Jack pause for thought I don't know what will.
‘But he does seem friendly, not to mention handsome.’
‘Good point!’, she finally agreed with herself. Yes, good-looks are always a sign of trustworthiness. Especially in pirates.
Jack’s POV
‘Should I be bringin a woman on board?’, he thought. Jack, the correct question is: should I be bringing this woman on board. And the answer is, of course, no.
‘No! It’s bad luck! Not to mention we’ve already got Anamaria on board!’, he argued with himself. If the sight of this man openly debating with himself about the relative merits of his course of action doesn't give the Sue pause for thought I don't know what will.
‘But I got her fired...shes gotta come.’
‘Since when did Captain Jack Sparrow care about women?’ Well, I don't think he minds them. He's been known to rescue them from drowning on occasion.
‘She’s...she’s...different’ Inexplicable. Indefinable. Different. Mary Sue. The new fragrance from Generic Perfume Company. What would Mary Sue: The Perfume smell like? I think it would be sweet, peachy and full of glitter to make it extra fun.
And then Jack’s thoughts were interrupted by Anna.
‘Jack?’, Anna said.
‘Wha-what?’, he replied.
‘Jack, It would be my pleasure to board your ship’
‘Great luv...just one thing...call me Captain’, he said smiling. Aargh! Please excuse me, I have a brick wall that needs my head banging against it.
‘Okay’, she replied.
They began to walk up to the docks to the Black Pearl. Jack helped Anna up a rope ladder to the ship’s deck.
‘Welcome aboard the Black Pearl Miss...err...whats yer last name?’ Jack asked scratching his head.
‘Sonders’, Anna said politely.
‘Crew!’, Jack yelled. ‘This is Anna Sonders, and she’ll be sailing with us for a while’.
‘Hello everyone...’, Anna said nervously.
All the men took of their hats and bowed. Some even whisled at the sight of Anna, although she wasn't entirely sure what whisling was and so couldn't say for certain whether or not it was a good thing. Somewhere, she heard someone mutter wearily "Here we go again," but she chose to ignore it. Then the only other woman walked up to Anna. She looked about Thirty, she had long dark hair tied back with a bandana, she was slim and was half Negro.
‘Hey, I’m Anamaria.’, she said holding out her hand hoping that Anna would shake it.
Anna shook her hand and smiled.
‘Nice to meet you.’, she politely said. ‘It’s nice to know there’s another woman on board’.
‘Yeah, so why did Jack invite ye on board? He doesn’t usually invite women on his ship. He had no choice with me...’
Anna sat down next to Anamaria and explained the whole situation to her. She soon felt she had a friend. Aw. Well, I'm willing to give the author some props for not bashing Anamaria. Also for spelling her name correctly.
‘Well I’m...go...go...gonna hit the hay’, Anamaria said as she took a yawn and began to walk to her and Anna’s cabin.
‘Night!’, Anna said.
Anna paused for a while and remembered that she still had her mother’s diary to read. So she took it out of her bag and saw a lock on the front.
‘Damn!’, Anna said to herself.
Anna turned the diary over revealing some writing in Spanish. She learnt a little Spanish when she was young. But now only could read a few words. So she tried to read it.
‘Hmm...locket?’, she read one word that was all she could make out.
‘The locket she gave me!’, she almost shouted, but remembered that most of the crew were asleep or past out.
She quickly took off the locket her mother gave her and admired it. It was the shape of a heart and it opened up revealing a note. Saying:
To my darling daughter,
This is the key to my diary. I hope it answers some of your questions. I will love you always.
Love your Mother, Rose-mary.
Anna cried when she read this. She opened the diary and began to read.
‘What?! I...I have a sister...and...and my father’s still alive?’ Oh, who could they be? Can you guess, children? Can you?
Author’s Notes: Well that’s the end of the chapter, hope you liked it. It’s a bit longer than the last two chapters LoL! What will happen next? Hmmm? LoL R&R!!!!