- Doubt < TomoxRui > Ch13 -
Title: Doubt
Chapter: 13/14
Author: heartsthatflies
Genre: Fluff, romance, angst, drama
Rating: PG-13
Warnings: Malexmale relationship, language
Pairings: TomoxRui
Disclaimer: Vistlip belongs to themselves, the pictures I don’t own either.
Summary: Something was off with their bassist. Tomo couldn’t exactly put his finger on it, but the last few days he had been unusually quiet and reserved, which was slowly started to worry him. What he didn't know then, was that this was just the beginning.
Comment: Hello~ remember me? *laughs* ah, once again I've been so busy. That's life I guess.. I hope you guys don't hate me. One chapter down, one more to go. Please enjoy~
Chapter 13
Rui did his best to remember the way to the station from Kouki’s apartment, but when he had walked several minutes without recognizing the way he got frustrated and turned left, walked along the next street and for a moment he thought it was the right way, but it turned out to be another dead end. He continued to walk around for a few more minutes, barely even paying attention to where he was going, before he halted and looked up in the skies and cursed out loudly.
“The station is the other way, but my car would probably take you faster to wherever you’re going.”
He rapidly turned around and stared to where the voice came from, surprised to see the vocalist a few steps behind him.
“I don’t know what I’m doing… I’m sorry”
“I can see that.” Tomo said and a sad smile shooed over his lips. “Come here, silly.” he held out his hand and Rui walked up to him and took it, then both of them walked back to Tomo’s car.
An hour passed before they arrived, Rui walked a few steps ahead the vocalist on the narrow side street. It was getting late; darkness had more or less taken over the skies. It was a Thursday night so the streets were almost empty by now, most people at home getting ready for another day of work the day after. Tomo strongly doubted Shin was still going to be there this late, but he knew it was no use trying to stop the younger. He didn’t want to either. His chest felt much tighter than normal and he had to battle with his own anxiousness of this whole situation, but he refused to let Rui go there alone.
When they arrived at the restaurant Rui opened the door quite harshly and received a few curious glances from a couple that sat further inside, otherwise the restaurant was empty. The waiter by the counter looked at Rui with big eyes, he recognized him for sure.
“Umm-” he said, looking somewhat timidly at Rui. “How can I help you?”
“Where is Shin?” he asked bluntly, not caring at all about anything else.
“I- umm… He’s-”
He didn’t have time to say anything else before the curtains to the kitchen was slid apart by a tall male walking out backwards, holding two large trays with food on them. Since he walked out backwards and the table was located to the right in the room he didn’t turn their way before walking up to the couple and serve the food.
“Please enjoy the meal.” he said very politely and bowed slightly as he turned around, and then, froze in the middle of a step. He recovered from the chock pretty quickly, now the second time that day, and since Rui didn’t say or do anything he gestured towards a door to the left in the room. “Follow me.” he said quietly.
They walked into the room, away from the guests and the other guy, and they came to a small changing/break-room with a table and a few chairs crammed into a corner. Shin sat down on one of the chairs but Rui stood frozen a few steps away, and Tomo was even further back by the door, leaned against the wall.
“No offence really, but why are you here?”
First Rui just stared at him, but then he realized he was looking past him and onto Tomo.
“Who are you?” he asked with an undertone the vocalist disliked slightly.
“You don’t have to worry about me.” he said calmly. “I won’t leave Rui out of my sight, and if that’s a problem for you it’s a shame because I won’t agree to anything else.” his voice was still calm, but there was a sharp firmness in it.
Shin blankly stared at him for a short moment, before he unexpectedly just seemed to give in; he sighed deeply and put his hands up to his face and scratched his eyebrows. “Fine.” he said quietly and to Tomo’s surprise he changed from being really tensed up and bitchy to almost ready to burst into tears any second. The vocalist was pretty sure he had figured out this whole situation, who he was, just by his statement.
“Rui…” he started and looked up at the bassist, and suddenly he looked like a complete different person. There was no coldness and the bitchy aura was completely gone.
“What?” Rui said coldly, he didn’t seem to be surprised at all in this sudden complete change in personality.
“That night, it’s not what you think-”
“Don’t give me that bullshit.” Rui interrupted furiously.
“Listen to me!” Shin said sharply and sat up more straight in the chair. “I was an idiot and a complete asshole, please believe me when I say I know that.”
Rui looked at him, but he didn’t say anything. This wasn’t what he had prepared himself for. He wanted to confirm that Shin had never cared about him; he wanted to confirm that it had all been a lie and he wanted to confront him why he had used him all that time. As much as he wanted to hate him, a part of him just wanted to leave and never see him again but… He needed answers, and he didn’t go this far to give in. He had to take it, and he had to decide what to do with this new information.
“I was so scared.” the tall brunette whispered, his voice shaking. “When you disappeared… I looked for you. Grandfather said nothing, even though I understood he knew where you where I couldn’t get anything out of him no matter how much I tried. I tried calling you, I left you messages… I even stopped by your mom’s house several times, but I never saw you anywhere. I tried everything.” He closed his eyes. “In the end I gave up. Because I knew grandpa was in contact with you and I knew you could come back if you wanted… but you never did.” he paused for a short while and opened his eyes again. There was a quite long moment of silence before he spoke again.“I will never forgive myself for what I did to you, so I don’t expect you to forgive me either.”
Rui looked at him with disbelieving eyes, as if the world he knew just vanished. Even though years had passed by, he still knew Shin. He knew every move, he could read every gesture he did. He saw he was telling the truth, and it broke his heart. All this time he had thought he never cared. He would never, in his wildest dreams, believed what he was hearing if the reality wasn’t right there in front of him.
“But why?” The question that had tormented his soul for so many years. “Why did you do it? You knew I would run, didn’t you?”
“I loved you so much it scared me.” Shin said, his eyes rested steadily at him, his voice didn’t falter. “Without you I was lost. I don’t know what made me do it other than I was so scared, stupid and an idiot… In the heat of the moment I tried to distance myself from you. It’s so stupid, me and grandfather had a stupid fight early on the day and I was just so angry, with everything. I just hit on some random girl at a club and brought her home just to prove to myself that I wasn't completely depending on you, then you called and I just snapped. Even before I realized what I had done it was too late.”
Rui had never seen the elder look this distressed and desperate.
“I was so stupid. I hate myself, for what I did to you… I hate myself for hurting you.”
So much was happening within the younger. Bottom line, he was… calm. Relieved. It felt like a huge burden had left his shoulders and he didn’t care if it was wrong of him… If he was too weak, too kind or if he was too forgiving, he didn’t care at all. All that mattered is what he thought had happened, what he had maybe so foolishly assumed had been wrong. He saw that he had been wrong in ever believing he didn’t mean anything to the elder, that what they had back then was nothing. He knew it now and all the emotions rushing through him almost made him light headed. He had been so wrong…
Suddenly the door was violently smashed open which made the three of them jump, Tomo grateful that it opened the other way, and a new face appeared. This time a young female around the same age of them stormed into the room and locked her gaze at the bassist.
“What the fuck you think you’re doing here?!” she asked shrilly and removed the long, black hair that had fallen down over her face in her speedy movements. Shin had suddenly got up from the chair and was in front of the new arrival before Tomo had time to blink.
“Get out Natsumi.” he said quietly as he ceased both her arms and tried to push her backwards out the door again, but she fought back.
“The hell I won’t!” she said furiously, turning at Rui. “What makes you think you have the right to talk to him, huh?! What the hell do you want?!”
“Stop!” Shin said firmly “Natsu, I’ve told you a hundred times!” He made another attempt to push her backwards but she refused, even though he could easily overpower her, maybe not without hurting her considering how enraged she was.
“What? That bullshit that you are the one making the mistake, so everything is your fault? Yes, but I have also told you a hundred times; you made a mistake but he is the one who fucking left you shattered in a million pieces!” she pushed the much taller man in the chest. “He left, not you! So that I’m the one that had to take care of you when you got yourself so fucking drunk every other day you didn’t know your own name. I’m the one that had to keep you fucking breathing!” she talked so fast she had to gasp for air. “He doesn’t even deserve to lay his eyes on you after what he did, you hear me?!”
Rui was in too much chock to act in any way. He recognized her, it took him a while, but she was one of Shin’s childhood friends, they had met a few times, but at her words the world faded. A deep, sickening hole of fear and realization grew bigger and bigger inside him. Did he really…? Did he do that to him?
“It’s not his fault.” Shin said very firm and quite loudly, and finally succeeded in his attempt to move her back towards the door. “And that’s enough.” he said sharply which in turn made the young woman give up at last.
“Fine then!” she pushed Shin in the chest again, but turned around by herself, then stormed out as quickly as she came and smashed the door shut behind her.
The silence was deafening. It was a vast, heavy and sickening quietness. Tomo didn’t take his eyes off Rui, but he wasn’t the one that moved fist. Shin was by his side after just a breath.
“Hey!” he snapped his fingers in front of his unseeing eyes which drew him back to reality. “Rui. Don’t listen to her, okay. What happened was on me, I’m the one who couldn’t talk about my feelings, I’m the one who failed you. I’m the one who gave you no choice to do what you did.” he put both his hands on Rui’s awfully pale cheeks. “I was supposed to protect you, but instead I betrayed you. You did nothing wrong.”
“Yes I did.” Rui said faintly and put up a hand over his mouth. “I left… I left you and I didn’t turn back. I left you…”
“I left you first.”
There was a long moment of silence. To that, Rui couldn’t argue. He let everything sink in just for a few moments.
Shin walked back and sat down in the same chair by the table. He picked up a cigarette pack from his pocket and took one out, put it between his lips and lit it with a lighter that lay on the table. Another few minutes went by in silence, his cigarette almost finished when he spoke up quietly again.
“I’m really sorry about Natsumi, she works in the kitchen so she probably wondered where I went and… well.”
Rui just looked at him, silent for several seconds before he spoke up, just as quietly. “I need to go.”
Shin blew out a thin line of smoke and nodded, he looked even more exhausted than Rui. “I’m sorry Rui. For everything.”
“I’m sorry too.” he said and they held eye contact for a little longer, speaking silently of what they didn’t seem to know how to even say. He then turned around on the spot and left the room.
---
One and a half hour later they entered Tomo’s apartment. All the way back they had been quiet, oh so quiet. All the words, sentences and feelings was set on repeat in Rui’s mind and soul, and it was all almost unreal to him. He couldn’t believe that this morning he had woken up and believing this would be just any other day. It felt like weeks, even months had passed by since then.
Tomo followed him into the living room and more or less guided him to sit down in the couch. He wasn’t sure if he should try to talk to him yet or not, his eyes were still gazing out in space completely unaware of his surroundings. He decided he would give him a bit more time and exited the living room and in to the kitchen. He was sure this was a good thing. He was sure that whatever was going through Rui’s head right then was for the better, was in the right direction. It hadn’t went at all as he thought it would, but this outcome was way better than if that Shin guy would be a total ass. Or would it…? If he would just be a complete jerk he wouldn’t have to worry… to worry about what might happen when it all sunk in. But what would happen now? What would happen if Rui’s feelings for him were crashing down on him again now he knew what really happened, right now.
He leaned his hands on the countertop and collected himself for a few moments. There was no use for him to jump to any conclusions or paint any pictures in his head. He walked over to the refrigerator and opened it, took out some ingredients and started making a simple soup, just so they got something to eat.
When he walked out in the living room again with a tray with the two bowls of soup, two glasses and a bottle of some random tea he had in the fridge he looked up at the watch on the wall and saw that it was soon half past two. No wonder he felt ready to pass out…
Rui didn’t look up at him even when he sat down next to him and put the tray on the table, not when he slowly stroke his hand over his hair one time, two times and three times. Tomo reached out for one of the bowls and put it on the table in front of him and pulled it closer to the couch so they could reach better.
He didn’t say anything when Tomo cleaned up. Not when he started get ready for bed and turned off all the lights except a small, dim light on a small table next to the TV. When he finally had nothing else to occupy himself with, and he was honestly exhausted to the point where he almost saw double, he walked up to him and sat down again. He gently grabbed hold of the other’s slightly shivering shoulders and pulled him down with him, so that they lay beside each other. Rui turned around and hid his face in the nape of his neck. Tomo adjusted the pillow so it became comfortable and reached out for a blanket and covered them both. One of his arms were underneath Rui, holding him in a firm hold while the other repeatedly stroke through his soft hair.
They didn’t need to talk right now, they could talk all they wanted tomorrow. It didn’t take many minutes before the younger were completely relaxed and fast asleep. Tomo were in some kind of half-awareness and half-asleep state and he kept squeezing the younger closer and closer again, and again. Small, clear liquid droplets had since a while created small rivers from the corner of his closed eyes.
~~~~~~
The violent trembling still continues
Frozen in place, my breath is cut off
Like that tim e when I had nothing
I don’t want to go back to those cold days
In the dreams I’ve had since I was young
one step at the time, still one step at the time
we support each other, laugh together
cry and hurt each other
Let’s walk. Together in a dream of the same colour
To the one who showed me when the pain was unbearable
The one who supported my weakness and believed in me
I can only say this with awkward words, but
Until my withered voice runs out, I want to stay here
~~~~~~
Kare uta - the gazette
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