mcfly-slash ... But I do love you
and here we are .. with the final part of my trilogy!
Title: But I do love you
Author: me
Rating: PG-13
Chapter: 1/1 … Standalone
Genre: Drama/Romance
Pairing: Poynter/Judd
Summary: Is Harry able to get back what he’s been missing?
Disclaimer: still not mine, still not true
Dedication: everyone who read the previous part and demanded a sequel -> Cazzabum, filthymind, andine_mcfly, totally_loca, scribblemusic, laurenfoxy, banks99, stfoosa, hoeface__, yohlenyaoilover, danni1112, the_first_chibi, ichnal, earenya_beryl, __penetration, juweel, iiriz, damdidaa and littlexdork .. do you guys even know how wicked you are?
Author’s note: This time the title is the title of a song by LeAnn Rimes. And here you have the final follow up to "Psycho Boyfriend" and "I just want you to know who I am"
You may say you are willing to change but I need to see that you do cos frankly, your words mean nothing to me right now.
That was what Dougie had said to me.
That is a few months ago now, three months in fact. Three months ago I came back from my parents, determined to make a change in my life and leave the rude side of me behind.
It’s been going alright so far.
I’ve started to see Doctor Phillips right after I came back. And he’s been a huge help really. I see him every Saturday morning, the only time we both can make it even though he actually doesn’t see patients on weekends.
Doctor Phillips made me realise a lot of things in those three months. As it turned out, I really was jealous of the attention that Danny, Tom and Dougie got in public and I felt an inner need to shine as well. And that resulted in me being rude towards the others. And when I was with just Dougie I never felt the need to shine because, with him loving me, he made me shine, even if it was just for him. I was put up on my pedestal again.
Doctor Phillips and I also went through some old interviews. Those sessions were the worst. I just wanted to leave all that behind me and while I was in therapy I was literally forced to watch or read the interviews again, analysing my foul behaviour into its very pieces. Needless to say, those sessions left me downright depressed sometimes.
But it was all part of the process. And so was getting me back to be a member of McFly.
Bandlife in general is going great. Playing shows is the easiest obviously … simply because I can do what I always was there for from the beginning, playing drums. Something I’m good at, something that differences me from everyone else. Something that makes me shine. Something that people admire me for.
And interviews … well, at first they were a challenge, what with my inner demons still fighting for dominance or something. So for the first interviews I was really quiet, just said something when I was addressed, in fear of blurting something I shouldn’t.
Doctor Phillips and me had a long talk about that one session. Apparently, what I did was wrong, being silent and all. Because that wasn’t really me, at least not in the way I was supposed to be. The goal was to get me to be confident, like I always used to be, without being mean at the same time. But me being silent was me being submissive and not confident. Doctor Phillips told me that, to really make the evil side of me vanish, I needed to get the nice side out and overpower all the bad stuff.
You know when in cartoons you have an angel on one shoulder and the devil on the other? Yeah … interviews were like that for me, the angel and the devil fighting for dominance, me struggling in the middle of them. And I had to gather enough strength and confidence to make the devil shut up.
And ever so slowly, that worked. First, I was actually overnice, throwing compliments about like I had overdosed on happy pills. That was the angel taking the upper hand too much. Which, again, wasn’t really what I was aiming for. Because I might be a nice guy, but if you’re overnice you tend to confuse people, and yourself, even more and they don’t take you serious again.
But then, at long last, I found the middle. So now in interviews I again am sarcastic and stuff but it never gets hurtful. Now, when I make a joke, people also see it as a joke. I’m a bit of a meanie without being harsh and at the same time I’m nice without being too nice.
So, as for me within the band, I definetely improved. I would even go as far and say that I’ve had that mission accomplished. I’m completely back in McFly, as much a member as Dougie, Danny and Tom are.
So, when Doctor Phillips and me work through recent interviews nowadays, he always compliments me on how much better I became in just three months which leaves me coming home on a high instead of being depressed.
Home. Yeah, home for me is currently the guest bedroom at Danny’s place. Obviously I couldn’t go back to the house Dougie and I shared and I wasn’t really too inclined to get an own place. But Danny was more than willing to take me in as a roommate, just like in the good old days. And that arrangement was actually perfect for me. Danny never let me get depressed. When I got back from a therapy-session and he saw that I’ve been through a rough hour he immediately took my mind off it. Sports on TV, videogames, having some beers over a random conversation … he did it all. And now that I’m better he wants to throw a party for me every week, celebrating my improvement. Let me tell you, I’ll make it out of all this therapy-stuff and emerge as an alocohlic, thanks to Danny Jones.
Another great help all the way through was Tom. He’s the one who went, ‘So Harry, how was therapy today?’ every week, showing a real interest in me getting back on the right track. Once a month, I was asked to bring a friend to therapy with me so Doctor Phillips had an outsider there to ‘report on my progress’. And that friend always was Tom. It always felt utterly weird to listen to Tom and Doctor Phillips talking about me as if I wasn’t in the room but it was a great help too. I now had an outsider’s view and opinion as well, I knew what he and the other guys were going through dealing with me. I think once I’m done with therapy, Tom’s gonna take on the role of the therapist. I know that I can always go talk to him when things get tough again.
And Dougie … well. It’d be a lie to say things were back to normal with him.
At first it was downright awkward between the two of us. When I came back from therapy every Saturday, telling how it went, Dougie always left the room and he also avoided me most of the time. At first I thought he just wasn’t interested but Tom, of course, had been talking to him about it and found out that Dougie just didn’t know how to deal with me and my issues.
It got better and better though. I made an effort to show Dougie that, behind all the mess, I was still same old Harry, the person he met so many years ago. I took him CD-shopping with me, a thing we always loved doing, or just tried to be there when I thought he needed someone.
So nowadays he can stay in the same room with me and we talk to each other like normal people. I can tell he tries to understand what the whole therapy-thing is about and what conclusions Doctor Phillips and me came to in the past months.
Unfortunately, that’s all.
Don’t get me wrong … I love that Dougie is there for me as a friend but I need him on a much deeper level. And that’s what I don’t get.
I can still tell how much I’ve broken Dougie’s trust in me. He lets me talk to him and all but the second I try to get closer, try to steer a conversation into something that relates to the past, present and future of just him and me, he pulls himself away from me. I think I haven’t even touched him in the past three months, ever since we’ve split up actually.
It’s great that he tries to be my friend but I don’t need another friend. I have Tom and Danny, they are my friends. What I need is someone to really love me, even though I am a messed up individual. I need someone I can cry to without feeling stupid. I need someone to hold me through the night, kissing my worries away, promising the next day will mean another improvement for me.
And as much as I appreciate Tom and Danny’s efforts in filling that gap that the relationship with Dougie left, they can’t do justice to the real thing. They can’t do Dougie justice.
===
Today is the last time. The last time I’m half sitting, half laying on that comfy two-seater in a sun-flooded room in central London.
Today is the last time I’m going to see Doctor Phillips. We both figured it was the right time to stop our sessions. We both knew that now I could manage life myself.
“How are you feeling, Harry?” Doctor Phillips asks.
“Alright.” I say, “It’s just gonna be weird. From now on Saturday mornings won’t be the same anymore.”
Doctor Phillips smile. “You’ll find things to do, I’m sure. Now we can both sleep in again.”
“Yeah, you can. I bet our manager already has arranged several appearances on kids’ TV-shows for the upcoming weekends.”
“He’s a smart man, your manager. You can’t be mean on kids’ TV.”
“Saturday … early in the morning … I might be tempted.” I joke.
Doctor Phillips cracks a slight smile. “Seriously though, Harry. You think you’ll be alright?”
I think for a moment. “Yeah, I think I’ll be. I mean, if I need to talk, I’ll have Tom. If my head needs to be put back in place or I’m in need for distraction, I’ll have Danny.”
“What about Dougie?”
“What about Dougie?” I repeat his question.
“We barely got to talk about things between you and him.”
“There’s nothing to talk about. I fucked it up big time. It’s gonna take forever to regain his trust in me again. With Dougie it’s like … it takes forever until he really opens up to a person. And once he does, it’s a hundred percent. He’d take a bullet for his friends without even thinking twice and he trusts them, his friends, to do the same. And believe me, they would, without a doubt. And an actual relationship means about a million times more to him. Especially the one we had. I was his first boyfriend, the person who made him actually realise he’s gay. I was his first in so many ways. And letting someone be a first to him means that he completely lets his guards down, trusts you with his life, everything he has and is. But break that trust and you’re over. And frankly … currently him and me are so over, I might as well live on the moon.”
“I thought the two of you are talking again.”
I nod. “We are. But that’s really all we do. He doesn’t let me come near him anymore. We can talk as long as it isn’t about us, what we are, what we used to be or what we will be in the future. He doesn’t even let me touch him anymore. Even before we got together, we’d always randomly hug each other or something. These days he won’t even let me put my arm around him in a friendly way for pictures. And if I do accidentally, he gets so totally tense that I pull away, even if it’s because of the pure fear he might turn to stone in front of my eyes.”
“How do you feel about that?”
“What do you think? I’m hurt. And I’m angry. I’m angry at myself for letting it reach that point. He and our relationship were the best thing that ever happened to me and I could kick myself for destroying it in the way I have.”
“You’ve mentioned that you’re hurt. What about the whole thing hurts you? That he doesn’t trust you anymore, that you don’t get to be near him?”
“Yeah. That and … You know, it’s great to get help from Tom and Danny and stuff. But … even though I can let my guards down in front of them, I barely do it. But with Dougie I could … and I would. I just can’t though, I’m not allowed to. So I guess I’m hurt because I love him and I don’t know if he still loves me like he used to, or if he still sees me as a proper friend. And I have no way to find out if he does because he won’t speak to me about it.”
“You know Harry, it might be for the better if …”
I cut him off mid-sentence. “To just lay off?”
Doctor Phillips nods.
“Tom keeps telling me the same. Says something about giving him enough space to let him figure out he needs me as much as I need him.”
“I always figured Tom is a clever young man.”
I smile. “I’ll tell him you said that. Seriously though, I can’t lay off. Dougie told me to prove to him that I’m serious about him and me. How can I prove that to him if I keep laying off?”
“You do if you give him what he needs … space to think things through.”
I have nothing to reply to that. Because as usual, Doctor Phillips has a point. It amazes me that, even though he never met Dougie, he can exactly tell what he needs. Because that’s Dougie for you … give him space and time to think about a problem and he’ll work it out eventually.
“I think you’re gonna do the right thing, Harry. And eventually Dougie will figure out that he still loves you as much as you love him. You might be able to break trust but to break love and memories, it needs something bigger, you’d need something much more powerful.”
Doctor Phillips then takes a look at the clock hanging on the wall. I do as well and I notice that the past hour again flew by like nothing. Time always flies by like nothing in therapy.
“Right, that’s it then, eh?” I ask.
“I think it is.” He raises from his chair and so do I. He extends his hand to me. “Goodbye Harry. And congratulations on your progress. You can be proud of you. And, no offense, I hope to never see you again.”
I smile, knowing exactly what he meant, shaking the offered hand. “I don’t intend to see you ever again, either. Or … just under different circumstances. Thanks for all your help. I really appreciate all of it.”
“It’s alright, Harry. That’s my job after all.” He smiles another of his warm smiles at me before he sees me to the door.
===
On the whole way back home I’m going through mixed emotions. I’m happy that I have gotten the sessions behind me, no doubt about that. Believe me, it’s really hard to realise that you have somewhat of an emotional problem and that you even need councelling because you’re that messed up.
On the other hand, I’m scared. After three months I’m released into the real world again. Now I have to deal with everything myself. I won’t have the safety-net that were the weekly therapy-sessions. Now I have to pull myself together on my own and I also have to know when it’s the time to pull myself together.
When I get back home I’m surprised to see that Danny’s car isn’t in our driveway and all the curtains of our windows are drewn close. Idiot, he promised that we all go out as soon as I come home to celebrate my first night away from therapy and all. And now the loon isn’t even at home.
Shaking my head in amusement I get my keys out and let myself into our home. I shrug my jacket off and kick off my shoes before I get into the living room intending to get comfy on the couch with a film, a beer or two and a huge bowl of popcorn.
Now imagine the look I had on my face when I opened the living room door and I’m faced with Dougie laying on his stomach on the sofa, the faint light from the lamp next to the couch casting an orange glow over him. Yep, a deer in headlights has got nothing on me.
“Hi.” I let out, still surprised.
Dougie looks up from the magazine he’s been reading. He closes it and tosses it to the side before sitting up.
“Hi Harry. How was therapy?”
I ignore his question. “Where is Danny?” I ask, looking around the room, thinking Danny might jump out of the next room, announcing a surprise-party for me.
“Went ahead to the party-place with Tom. Didn’t say where it is though so we have to call him later to know where we actually have to go to.”
“Uh-huh.” is all I can manage.
“You alright?”
“Yeah. Just surprised to find you here is all.”
At that Dougie smiles. And that makes me realise how rarely I saw him smile in the past. And I can’t do anything else and smile back while I plonk down onto the sofa next to him. He immediately shifts in his position so he’s sat sideways and looks at me.
“How was therapy?”
Again, I look at him, surprise surely written clearly all over my face. This is the first time he ever asked that question. Sure, he slowly took interest in the sessions but he never brought the topic up first, always waited until someone else started it.
I swallow down the surprise. “Went alright. It’s weird to know I won’t go again though.”
“Yeah, I can imagine. Kinda like leaving home, isn’t it? You’re suddenly without the comfort you had over a certain amount of time. Thrown out into the harsh reality and stuff.”
“Yeah.” That boy surprises me further and further.
“But … I mean … Since you won’t go again … you’re cured now, aren’t you?”
“I think I am. But there’s always a danger of falling back into old antics you know.”
“But you won’t let that happen, right?”
“I’ll try my hardest not to. You know, in a way it was good to see Doctor Phillips and all. But I can definetely say that I don’t wanna see him ever again. It’s scary to realise that you’re actually that fucked up that you need a therapist.”
At this Dougie thinks for a moment. “I guess. But you worked your way through it, very bravely at that. I don’t think I could’ve done it, or anyone else for that matter.”
“You’d be surprised what you’re capable of when you’ve lost everything you care about and you’re determined to get it back.”
Dougie shyly smiles again and I think he’s even blushing a bit. He knows what I’m talking about and for the first time he seems to acknowledge it, instead of immediately building up a fortress around him.
“So, what did you and your doctor talk about today?” he asks, obviously trying to change the subject.
“Honestly?” I ask.
He nods.
“You.”
Now Dougie is definetely blushing. “Me?”
“Yeah.”
“What is there to talk about me?”
“More than you think there is.”
“Are you allowed to … I mean … can … can you tell me?” he asks, unsure.
“You wanna hear it?”
“I think … yeah, I do.”
I look at him. His eyes are pleading me to tell him what I spoke about with Doctor Phillips. And it’s not curiosity, a willing to know if I made him look good. He wants to know what I said to know how I think, and maybe even feel, about him.
“I told him about how things are between us at the moment and how I feel about that. Did you realise I haven’t really touched you ever since we’ve broken up?”
Dougie looks down, ashamed. “I know and I’m sor-”
“No Dougie, don’t apologise. You did the right thing. It made me realise how badly I fucked up what we had. I told Doctor Phillips how hard it is for you to open up to people, to build up trust in them. And when you pulled yourself away from me it made me realise how badly I had broken your trust in me. It hurts me to no end but I also know that, just because I might be able to get through a gig, TV-show or interview, I’m far away from being completely cured. When you can trust me again, that’s when I’ll be alright. When I can hug you and you won’t pull away. I know that it’s gonna take time for you to regain that trust in me but I will be waiting and if it’s gonna take me years. I’ll give you all the time and space you need.”
“And what about you?” he asks.
“What about me?”
“You went through a lot in the past months. Are you sure that you could handle the pressure of something else, like a relationship, again? Do you need time and space too?”
“Frankly … not at all. What I need is you. Plain and simply you. And not as a friend. When I need a friend I can go to Tom or Danny. But I can’t crawl into their beds at night, crying on their shoulders. Or well … I could but it wouldn’t be the same. They won’t be able to kiss it all better. They could tell me millions of times that things will be alright but it still won’t mean half as much as it would when you said it to me.”
Dougie says nothing to that, just looks at me, searching my eyes for any sign that I’m serious. I know that look, I’ve seen it many times before.
And then he suddenly does a thing I least expected him to do. He moves and lets his head sink down to rest on my lap, looking up at me. This is the closest we’ve gotten in almost four months. I think my heart just skipped a beat or two and I’m on emotional overload to say the least.
And he goes even further. He reaches for my hand that was resting on the back of the sofa. He holds it up with one hand and then presses the palm of his other hand against it. He looks at our hands, their shape almost identical, before, ever so slowly, entwining our fingers.
I’m stunned to silence all the way through, letting Dougie do whatever he does, while staring at our entwined fingers that now rest comfortably on Dougie’s chest. I think I can even feel his heartbeat, but then again, I might be fooled by my own heart racing in my chest.
“You know …” he starts, his voice barely audible, “Maybe we’ve both been waiting long enough, had enough space between us.”
I gulp. “What do you mean?” I ask, uncertainly. I have a slight hope at what he’s aiming at but I don’t dare to get into it fully until I know what he really means.
“You know, the past months were hard for me too. I was always torn between two things.”
“Which were?”
“One one hand, I wanted to get back with you. You know, I’ve been with you for so long, as a friend and as your boyfriend, that I felt that a huge part of me was missing when I was without you. I understood what people meant when they spoke about someone as ‘their other half’ and I realised you were my other half. There were always things I only told you and suddenly you were gone and I couldn’t tell them to anyone else. You’re right you know. Tom and Danny are great but they just can’t compare to what we had. No one can compare to what we have, Harry. I don’t love anyone in the way that I love you, I never have and I never will either.”
He pauses and smiles up at me. I can only smile back. I bring my other hand, the one that isn’t holding his, up and run my fingers through his hair.
“But on the other hand …” he continues, “I was so scared. I could tell that you really made a progress, that you really changed and that you tried to make every day better than the previous. And I was so proud of you, really I was. And I still am. But I always thought, ‘okay, what if I let him come back to me and then the same shit starts over and over again?’ I went through it once and that was hard enough. I couldn’t have done it again, it would’ve killed me. I wanted you back so badly but at the same time I was so scared that, if we got back together too soon, it would destroy everything that you and I have worked for. You know, I thought you might crumble under the pressure to please me and only hate me for everything in the end. And I had just reached the point where I could be without you without feeling to break down at any moment and I really didn’t want to get pulled into the mess again. That’s why I pulled away when you tried to come close. I couldn’t deal with the pressure of being the only one that makes you completely happy. I loved you, I still love you, but I always was scared that this love could destroy us in the end. I mean, I was overwhelmed by the intensity of the feelings between us, I didn’t dare to imagine what they could do to someone who’s, no offense, already so far gone off the rails to be in need of therapy.”
“Oh Dougie …” I sigh and trail off.
I try to move my legs. He gets the hint and raises up again, never letting go of my hand though. I turn and shift until I’m laid on the sofa as well, half under, half next to him. I pull him close again. He settles between my legs and turns over so he’s back on his stomach. We still hold hands and he brings his other hand up to my chest and lets his chin rest on it. He looks at me and I can only look back at him.
“I want you back, Harry.” he states, so quiet that I can barely hear him, “I need you back. I love you and, as cheesy as it sounds, I can’t live without you.”
I take a moment to take it in. And suddenly I get what Dougie was saying. I’m suddenly so overwhelmed by my feelings for him and the feelings I get back from him, I can’t even think straight. It’s like, I could burst out in tears and laugh until my insides hurt at the same moment, but I don’t know why … I just could do it. All I want is to be part of that amazing person in front of me again, for the rest of my life. Kick me out of the band, take all my belongings away from me, I don’t care. Just let me be with Dougie and I will be the happiest person on this planet. And hearing him say that he loves me, needs me and wants me back … it makes me feel like I’m able to fly.
“Harry?”
His soft voice brings me back from my daydream. He looks at me, worry, fear and hope all finding a home in his blue-grey eyes.
I still am at a complete loss for words but as they say, ‘action speaks louder than words’. I let go of Dougie’s hand and let my hands meet on his lower back. I apply a slight pressure and he gets the hint. He moves up my body until our faces are hovering right over each other’s. And looking into his eyes up close gives me back my ability to speak.
“I love you, Dougie.” I whisper out.
I crane my neck, bringing my head up the few inches towards his. I hesitate for another second or two until I finally close the gap between us and let our lips touch.
As soon as we kiss, Dougie’s arms give way and he sinks down onto me. In a matter of seconds we hold onto each other like our lives depend on it and our kiss doesn’t seem to end.
It’s Dougie that pulls away after what seems like an eternity, panting slightly. He smiles down at me and I mirror that smile, stroking his fringe to the side so I can have a better look at those beautiful eyes again.
“You know …” he starts, “We should really get to your party. Tom and Danny left ages ago. If we don’t get there soon, Danny will be so bladdered that he won’t even remember you being there.” He giggles.
“Yeah, I guess you’re right.”
Dougie gets up from the sofa and holds his hand out to me to pull me up as well. We stand in front of each other for a moment, getting lost in each other’s eyes again.
“Be with me, Dougie.” I blurt suddenly.
He looks at me a bit funny. “I am with you.”
“No, I mean like … really with me. Forever.”
“What, are you talking about marriage?”
“Maybe. I don’t know. I just … I wanna be with you for the rest of my life. We don’t have to get married. Or maybe we do, whatever. I just want you to be with me.”
He smiles at me again. “Okay. Forever it is then.”
He leans up to kiss me again. But he pulls away way too soon.
“And now call Danny. I wanna go over there and celebrate the best day of my life.”
The End
A/N 2: Yeah … The End … for real!
Comments are appreciated.
And once again, if you add me on myspace send me a message before cos i won't add you otherwise.
Title: But I do love you
Author: me
Rating: PG-13
Chapter: 1/1 … Standalone
Genre: Drama/Romance
Pairing: Poynter/Judd
Summary: Is Harry able to get back what he’s been missing?
Disclaimer: still not mine, still not true
Dedication: everyone who read the previous part and demanded a sequel -> Cazzabum, filthymind, andine_mcfly, totally_loca, scribblemusic, laurenfoxy, banks99, stfoosa, hoeface__, yohlenyaoilover, danni1112, the_first_chibi, ichnal, earenya_beryl, __penetration, juweel, iiriz, damdidaa and littlexdork .. do you guys even know how wicked you are?
Author’s note: This time the title is the title of a song by LeAnn Rimes. And here you have the final follow up to "Psycho Boyfriend" and "I just want you to know who I am"
You may say you are willing to change but I need to see that you do cos frankly, your words mean nothing to me right now.
That was what Dougie had said to me.
That is a few months ago now, three months in fact. Three months ago I came back from my parents, determined to make a change in my life and leave the rude side of me behind.
It’s been going alright so far.
I’ve started to see Doctor Phillips right after I came back. And he’s been a huge help really. I see him every Saturday morning, the only time we both can make it even though he actually doesn’t see patients on weekends.
Doctor Phillips made me realise a lot of things in those three months. As it turned out, I really was jealous of the attention that Danny, Tom and Dougie got in public and I felt an inner need to shine as well. And that resulted in me being rude towards the others. And when I was with just Dougie I never felt the need to shine because, with him loving me, he made me shine, even if it was just for him. I was put up on my pedestal again.
Doctor Phillips and I also went through some old interviews. Those sessions were the worst. I just wanted to leave all that behind me and while I was in therapy I was literally forced to watch or read the interviews again, analysing my foul behaviour into its very pieces. Needless to say, those sessions left me downright depressed sometimes.
But it was all part of the process. And so was getting me back to be a member of McFly.
Bandlife in general is going great. Playing shows is the easiest obviously … simply because I can do what I always was there for from the beginning, playing drums. Something I’m good at, something that differences me from everyone else. Something that makes me shine. Something that people admire me for.
And interviews … well, at first they were a challenge, what with my inner demons still fighting for dominance or something. So for the first interviews I was really quiet, just said something when I was addressed, in fear of blurting something I shouldn’t.
Doctor Phillips and me had a long talk about that one session. Apparently, what I did was wrong, being silent and all. Because that wasn’t really me, at least not in the way I was supposed to be. The goal was to get me to be confident, like I always used to be, without being mean at the same time. But me being silent was me being submissive and not confident. Doctor Phillips told me that, to really make the evil side of me vanish, I needed to get the nice side out and overpower all the bad stuff.
You know when in cartoons you have an angel on one shoulder and the devil on the other? Yeah … interviews were like that for me, the angel and the devil fighting for dominance, me struggling in the middle of them. And I had to gather enough strength and confidence to make the devil shut up.
And ever so slowly, that worked. First, I was actually overnice, throwing compliments about like I had overdosed on happy pills. That was the angel taking the upper hand too much. Which, again, wasn’t really what I was aiming for. Because I might be a nice guy, but if you’re overnice you tend to confuse people, and yourself, even more and they don’t take you serious again.
But then, at long last, I found the middle. So now in interviews I again am sarcastic and stuff but it never gets hurtful. Now, when I make a joke, people also see it as a joke. I’m a bit of a meanie without being harsh and at the same time I’m nice without being too nice.
So, as for me within the band, I definetely improved. I would even go as far and say that I’ve had that mission accomplished. I’m completely back in McFly, as much a member as Dougie, Danny and Tom are.
So, when Doctor Phillips and me work through recent interviews nowadays, he always compliments me on how much better I became in just three months which leaves me coming home on a high instead of being depressed.
Home. Yeah, home for me is currently the guest bedroom at Danny’s place. Obviously I couldn’t go back to the house Dougie and I shared and I wasn’t really too inclined to get an own place. But Danny was more than willing to take me in as a roommate, just like in the good old days. And that arrangement was actually perfect for me. Danny never let me get depressed. When I got back from a therapy-session and he saw that I’ve been through a rough hour he immediately took my mind off it. Sports on TV, videogames, having some beers over a random conversation … he did it all. And now that I’m better he wants to throw a party for me every week, celebrating my improvement. Let me tell you, I’ll make it out of all this therapy-stuff and emerge as an alocohlic, thanks to Danny Jones.
Another great help all the way through was Tom. He’s the one who went, ‘So Harry, how was therapy today?’ every week, showing a real interest in me getting back on the right track. Once a month, I was asked to bring a friend to therapy with me so Doctor Phillips had an outsider there to ‘report on my progress’. And that friend always was Tom. It always felt utterly weird to listen to Tom and Doctor Phillips talking about me as if I wasn’t in the room but it was a great help too. I now had an outsider’s view and opinion as well, I knew what he and the other guys were going through dealing with me. I think once I’m done with therapy, Tom’s gonna take on the role of the therapist. I know that I can always go talk to him when things get tough again.
And Dougie … well. It’d be a lie to say things were back to normal with him.
At first it was downright awkward between the two of us. When I came back from therapy every Saturday, telling how it went, Dougie always left the room and he also avoided me most of the time. At first I thought he just wasn’t interested but Tom, of course, had been talking to him about it and found out that Dougie just didn’t know how to deal with me and my issues.
It got better and better though. I made an effort to show Dougie that, behind all the mess, I was still same old Harry, the person he met so many years ago. I took him CD-shopping with me, a thing we always loved doing, or just tried to be there when I thought he needed someone.
So nowadays he can stay in the same room with me and we talk to each other like normal people. I can tell he tries to understand what the whole therapy-thing is about and what conclusions Doctor Phillips and me came to in the past months.
Unfortunately, that’s all.
Don’t get me wrong … I love that Dougie is there for me as a friend but I need him on a much deeper level. And that’s what I don’t get.
I can still tell how much I’ve broken Dougie’s trust in me. He lets me talk to him and all but the second I try to get closer, try to steer a conversation into something that relates to the past, present and future of just him and me, he pulls himself away from me. I think I haven’t even touched him in the past three months, ever since we’ve split up actually.
It’s great that he tries to be my friend but I don’t need another friend. I have Tom and Danny, they are my friends. What I need is someone to really love me, even though I am a messed up individual. I need someone I can cry to without feeling stupid. I need someone to hold me through the night, kissing my worries away, promising the next day will mean another improvement for me.
And as much as I appreciate Tom and Danny’s efforts in filling that gap that the relationship with Dougie left, they can’t do justice to the real thing. They can’t do Dougie justice.
===
Today is the last time. The last time I’m half sitting, half laying on that comfy two-seater in a sun-flooded room in central London.
Today is the last time I’m going to see Doctor Phillips. We both figured it was the right time to stop our sessions. We both knew that now I could manage life myself.
“How are you feeling, Harry?” Doctor Phillips asks.
“Alright.” I say, “It’s just gonna be weird. From now on Saturday mornings won’t be the same anymore.”
Doctor Phillips smile. “You’ll find things to do, I’m sure. Now we can both sleep in again.”
“Yeah, you can. I bet our manager already has arranged several appearances on kids’ TV-shows for the upcoming weekends.”
“He’s a smart man, your manager. You can’t be mean on kids’ TV.”
“Saturday … early in the morning … I might be tempted.” I joke.
Doctor Phillips cracks a slight smile. “Seriously though, Harry. You think you’ll be alright?”
I think for a moment. “Yeah, I think I’ll be. I mean, if I need to talk, I’ll have Tom. If my head needs to be put back in place or I’m in need for distraction, I’ll have Danny.”
“What about Dougie?”
“What about Dougie?” I repeat his question.
“We barely got to talk about things between you and him.”
“There’s nothing to talk about. I fucked it up big time. It’s gonna take forever to regain his trust in me again. With Dougie it’s like … it takes forever until he really opens up to a person. And once he does, it’s a hundred percent. He’d take a bullet for his friends without even thinking twice and he trusts them, his friends, to do the same. And believe me, they would, without a doubt. And an actual relationship means about a million times more to him. Especially the one we had. I was his first boyfriend, the person who made him actually realise he’s gay. I was his first in so many ways. And letting someone be a first to him means that he completely lets his guards down, trusts you with his life, everything he has and is. But break that trust and you’re over. And frankly … currently him and me are so over, I might as well live on the moon.”
“I thought the two of you are talking again.”
I nod. “We are. But that’s really all we do. He doesn’t let me come near him anymore. We can talk as long as it isn’t about us, what we are, what we used to be or what we will be in the future. He doesn’t even let me touch him anymore. Even before we got together, we’d always randomly hug each other or something. These days he won’t even let me put my arm around him in a friendly way for pictures. And if I do accidentally, he gets so totally tense that I pull away, even if it’s because of the pure fear he might turn to stone in front of my eyes.”
“How do you feel about that?”
“What do you think? I’m hurt. And I’m angry. I’m angry at myself for letting it reach that point. He and our relationship were the best thing that ever happened to me and I could kick myself for destroying it in the way I have.”
“You’ve mentioned that you’re hurt. What about the whole thing hurts you? That he doesn’t trust you anymore, that you don’t get to be near him?”
“Yeah. That and … You know, it’s great to get help from Tom and Danny and stuff. But … even though I can let my guards down in front of them, I barely do it. But with Dougie I could … and I would. I just can’t though, I’m not allowed to. So I guess I’m hurt because I love him and I don’t know if he still loves me like he used to, or if he still sees me as a proper friend. And I have no way to find out if he does because he won’t speak to me about it.”
“You know Harry, it might be for the better if …”
I cut him off mid-sentence. “To just lay off?”
Doctor Phillips nods.
“Tom keeps telling me the same. Says something about giving him enough space to let him figure out he needs me as much as I need him.”
“I always figured Tom is a clever young man.”
I smile. “I’ll tell him you said that. Seriously though, I can’t lay off. Dougie told me to prove to him that I’m serious about him and me. How can I prove that to him if I keep laying off?”
“You do if you give him what he needs … space to think things through.”
I have nothing to reply to that. Because as usual, Doctor Phillips has a point. It amazes me that, even though he never met Dougie, he can exactly tell what he needs. Because that’s Dougie for you … give him space and time to think about a problem and he’ll work it out eventually.
“I think you’re gonna do the right thing, Harry. And eventually Dougie will figure out that he still loves you as much as you love him. You might be able to break trust but to break love and memories, it needs something bigger, you’d need something much more powerful.”
Doctor Phillips then takes a look at the clock hanging on the wall. I do as well and I notice that the past hour again flew by like nothing. Time always flies by like nothing in therapy.
“Right, that’s it then, eh?” I ask.
“I think it is.” He raises from his chair and so do I. He extends his hand to me. “Goodbye Harry. And congratulations on your progress. You can be proud of you. And, no offense, I hope to never see you again.”
I smile, knowing exactly what he meant, shaking the offered hand. “I don’t intend to see you ever again, either. Or … just under different circumstances. Thanks for all your help. I really appreciate all of it.”
“It’s alright, Harry. That’s my job after all.” He smiles another of his warm smiles at me before he sees me to the door.
===
On the whole way back home I’m going through mixed emotions. I’m happy that I have gotten the sessions behind me, no doubt about that. Believe me, it’s really hard to realise that you have somewhat of an emotional problem and that you even need councelling because you’re that messed up.
On the other hand, I’m scared. After three months I’m released into the real world again. Now I have to deal with everything myself. I won’t have the safety-net that were the weekly therapy-sessions. Now I have to pull myself together on my own and I also have to know when it’s the time to pull myself together.
When I get back home I’m surprised to see that Danny’s car isn’t in our driveway and all the curtains of our windows are drewn close. Idiot, he promised that we all go out as soon as I come home to celebrate my first night away from therapy and all. And now the loon isn’t even at home.
Shaking my head in amusement I get my keys out and let myself into our home. I shrug my jacket off and kick off my shoes before I get into the living room intending to get comfy on the couch with a film, a beer or two and a huge bowl of popcorn.
Now imagine the look I had on my face when I opened the living room door and I’m faced with Dougie laying on his stomach on the sofa, the faint light from the lamp next to the couch casting an orange glow over him. Yep, a deer in headlights has got nothing on me.
“Hi.” I let out, still surprised.
Dougie looks up from the magazine he’s been reading. He closes it and tosses it to the side before sitting up.
“Hi Harry. How was therapy?”
I ignore his question. “Where is Danny?” I ask, looking around the room, thinking Danny might jump out of the next room, announcing a surprise-party for me.
“Went ahead to the party-place with Tom. Didn’t say where it is though so we have to call him later to know where we actually have to go to.”
“Uh-huh.” is all I can manage.
“You alright?”
“Yeah. Just surprised to find you here is all.”
At that Dougie smiles. And that makes me realise how rarely I saw him smile in the past. And I can’t do anything else and smile back while I plonk down onto the sofa next to him. He immediately shifts in his position so he’s sat sideways and looks at me.
“How was therapy?”
Again, I look at him, surprise surely written clearly all over my face. This is the first time he ever asked that question. Sure, he slowly took interest in the sessions but he never brought the topic up first, always waited until someone else started it.
I swallow down the surprise. “Went alright. It’s weird to know I won’t go again though.”
“Yeah, I can imagine. Kinda like leaving home, isn’t it? You’re suddenly without the comfort you had over a certain amount of time. Thrown out into the harsh reality and stuff.”
“Yeah.” That boy surprises me further and further.
“But … I mean … Since you won’t go again … you’re cured now, aren’t you?”
“I think I am. But there’s always a danger of falling back into old antics you know.”
“But you won’t let that happen, right?”
“I’ll try my hardest not to. You know, in a way it was good to see Doctor Phillips and all. But I can definetely say that I don’t wanna see him ever again. It’s scary to realise that you’re actually that fucked up that you need a therapist.”
At this Dougie thinks for a moment. “I guess. But you worked your way through it, very bravely at that. I don’t think I could’ve done it, or anyone else for that matter.”
“You’d be surprised what you’re capable of when you’ve lost everything you care about and you’re determined to get it back.”
Dougie shyly smiles again and I think he’s even blushing a bit. He knows what I’m talking about and for the first time he seems to acknowledge it, instead of immediately building up a fortress around him.
“So, what did you and your doctor talk about today?” he asks, obviously trying to change the subject.
“Honestly?” I ask.
He nods.
“You.”
Now Dougie is definetely blushing. “Me?”
“Yeah.”
“What is there to talk about me?”
“More than you think there is.”
“Are you allowed to … I mean … can … can you tell me?” he asks, unsure.
“You wanna hear it?”
“I think … yeah, I do.”
I look at him. His eyes are pleading me to tell him what I spoke about with Doctor Phillips. And it’s not curiosity, a willing to know if I made him look good. He wants to know what I said to know how I think, and maybe even feel, about him.
“I told him about how things are between us at the moment and how I feel about that. Did you realise I haven’t really touched you ever since we’ve broken up?”
Dougie looks down, ashamed. “I know and I’m sor-”
“No Dougie, don’t apologise. You did the right thing. It made me realise how badly I fucked up what we had. I told Doctor Phillips how hard it is for you to open up to people, to build up trust in them. And when you pulled yourself away from me it made me realise how badly I had broken your trust in me. It hurts me to no end but I also know that, just because I might be able to get through a gig, TV-show or interview, I’m far away from being completely cured. When you can trust me again, that’s when I’ll be alright. When I can hug you and you won’t pull away. I know that it’s gonna take time for you to regain that trust in me but I will be waiting and if it’s gonna take me years. I’ll give you all the time and space you need.”
“And what about you?” he asks.
“What about me?”
“You went through a lot in the past months. Are you sure that you could handle the pressure of something else, like a relationship, again? Do you need time and space too?”
“Frankly … not at all. What I need is you. Plain and simply you. And not as a friend. When I need a friend I can go to Tom or Danny. But I can’t crawl into their beds at night, crying on their shoulders. Or well … I could but it wouldn’t be the same. They won’t be able to kiss it all better. They could tell me millions of times that things will be alright but it still won’t mean half as much as it would when you said it to me.”
Dougie says nothing to that, just looks at me, searching my eyes for any sign that I’m serious. I know that look, I’ve seen it many times before.
And then he suddenly does a thing I least expected him to do. He moves and lets his head sink down to rest on my lap, looking up at me. This is the closest we’ve gotten in almost four months. I think my heart just skipped a beat or two and I’m on emotional overload to say the least.
And he goes even further. He reaches for my hand that was resting on the back of the sofa. He holds it up with one hand and then presses the palm of his other hand against it. He looks at our hands, their shape almost identical, before, ever so slowly, entwining our fingers.
I’m stunned to silence all the way through, letting Dougie do whatever he does, while staring at our entwined fingers that now rest comfortably on Dougie’s chest. I think I can even feel his heartbeat, but then again, I might be fooled by my own heart racing in my chest.
“You know …” he starts, his voice barely audible, “Maybe we’ve both been waiting long enough, had enough space between us.”
I gulp. “What do you mean?” I ask, uncertainly. I have a slight hope at what he’s aiming at but I don’t dare to get into it fully until I know what he really means.
“You know, the past months were hard for me too. I was always torn between two things.”
“Which were?”
“One one hand, I wanted to get back with you. You know, I’ve been with you for so long, as a friend and as your boyfriend, that I felt that a huge part of me was missing when I was without you. I understood what people meant when they spoke about someone as ‘their other half’ and I realised you were my other half. There were always things I only told you and suddenly you were gone and I couldn’t tell them to anyone else. You’re right you know. Tom and Danny are great but they just can’t compare to what we had. No one can compare to what we have, Harry. I don’t love anyone in the way that I love you, I never have and I never will either.”
He pauses and smiles up at me. I can only smile back. I bring my other hand, the one that isn’t holding his, up and run my fingers through his hair.
“But on the other hand …” he continues, “I was so scared. I could tell that you really made a progress, that you really changed and that you tried to make every day better than the previous. And I was so proud of you, really I was. And I still am. But I always thought, ‘okay, what if I let him come back to me and then the same shit starts over and over again?’ I went through it once and that was hard enough. I couldn’t have done it again, it would’ve killed me. I wanted you back so badly but at the same time I was so scared that, if we got back together too soon, it would destroy everything that you and I have worked for. You know, I thought you might crumble under the pressure to please me and only hate me for everything in the end. And I had just reached the point where I could be without you without feeling to break down at any moment and I really didn’t want to get pulled into the mess again. That’s why I pulled away when you tried to come close. I couldn’t deal with the pressure of being the only one that makes you completely happy. I loved you, I still love you, but I always was scared that this love could destroy us in the end. I mean, I was overwhelmed by the intensity of the feelings between us, I didn’t dare to imagine what they could do to someone who’s, no offense, already so far gone off the rails to be in need of therapy.”
“Oh Dougie …” I sigh and trail off.
I try to move my legs. He gets the hint and raises up again, never letting go of my hand though. I turn and shift until I’m laid on the sofa as well, half under, half next to him. I pull him close again. He settles between my legs and turns over so he’s back on his stomach. We still hold hands and he brings his other hand up to my chest and lets his chin rest on it. He looks at me and I can only look back at him.
“I want you back, Harry.” he states, so quiet that I can barely hear him, “I need you back. I love you and, as cheesy as it sounds, I can’t live without you.”
I take a moment to take it in. And suddenly I get what Dougie was saying. I’m suddenly so overwhelmed by my feelings for him and the feelings I get back from him, I can’t even think straight. It’s like, I could burst out in tears and laugh until my insides hurt at the same moment, but I don’t know why … I just could do it. All I want is to be part of that amazing person in front of me again, for the rest of my life. Kick me out of the band, take all my belongings away from me, I don’t care. Just let me be with Dougie and I will be the happiest person on this planet. And hearing him say that he loves me, needs me and wants me back … it makes me feel like I’m able to fly.
“Harry?”
His soft voice brings me back from my daydream. He looks at me, worry, fear and hope all finding a home in his blue-grey eyes.
I still am at a complete loss for words but as they say, ‘action speaks louder than words’. I let go of Dougie’s hand and let my hands meet on his lower back. I apply a slight pressure and he gets the hint. He moves up my body until our faces are hovering right over each other’s. And looking into his eyes up close gives me back my ability to speak.
“I love you, Dougie.” I whisper out.
I crane my neck, bringing my head up the few inches towards his. I hesitate for another second or two until I finally close the gap between us and let our lips touch.
As soon as we kiss, Dougie’s arms give way and he sinks down onto me. In a matter of seconds we hold onto each other like our lives depend on it and our kiss doesn’t seem to end.
It’s Dougie that pulls away after what seems like an eternity, panting slightly. He smiles down at me and I mirror that smile, stroking his fringe to the side so I can have a better look at those beautiful eyes again.
“You know …” he starts, “We should really get to your party. Tom and Danny left ages ago. If we don’t get there soon, Danny will be so bladdered that he won’t even remember you being there.” He giggles.
“Yeah, I guess you’re right.”
Dougie gets up from the sofa and holds his hand out to me to pull me up as well. We stand in front of each other for a moment, getting lost in each other’s eyes again.
“Be with me, Dougie.” I blurt suddenly.
He looks at me a bit funny. “I am with you.”
“No, I mean like … really with me. Forever.”
“What, are you talking about marriage?”
“Maybe. I don’t know. I just … I wanna be with you for the rest of my life. We don’t have to get married. Or maybe we do, whatever. I just want you to be with me.”
He smiles at me again. “Okay. Forever it is then.”
He leans up to kiss me again. But he pulls away way too soon.
“And now call Danny. I wanna go over there and celebrate the best day of my life.”
The End
A/N 2: Yeah … The End … for real!
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