mcfly-slash .. I just want you to know who I am
Title: I just want you to know who I am
Author: me again
Rating: PG-13
Chapter: 1/1 … Standalone
Genre: Drama
Pairing: Poynter/Judd
Summary: Harry decides it’s time for a change
Disclaimer: still no own, still no true
Dedication: everyone who read the previous part and demanded a sequel -> Cazzabum, flithymind, syphilisparade, verttiv, hidden_angel_07, yohlenyaoilover, mymoonmagic, scribblemusic, danni1112, the_first_chibi, stfoosa, ichnal, iiriz, earenya_beryl, laurenfoxy, __penetration, juweel and damdidaa .. you lot are wicked!
Author’s note: Title is a line from "Iris" by the Goo Goo Dolls (download url for a special version this is). This is also the - very long - sequel to "Psycho Boyfriend".
I miss him. So very much. It’s been three weeks and I miss him more with each passing day, each passing minute even.
The moment when he had said it’d be for the better to break up has been hauntin me non-stop for these three weeks too. Same as the talk we had before that. Or well … his speech more like it, I didn’t say much. And maybe that had been my mistake. I should have said something back to him. But truth be told, I had no idea what I could have said to make it all better.
I haven’t been talking to either of them ever since I left. I spoke to Fletch once, the morning after I left. I told him that there’s been a family emergency and that I had to be away for some time. He wasn’t happy but with no further gigs planned and just signings and interviews coming up, he had nothing real to make me come back to. So he reluctantly told me to take all the time that was needed.
In those three weeks I had enough time to think about everything. If I wasn’t spending time with my parents, I laid on my bed in my old room in their house, staring at the ceiling, occupied in my thoughts.
When my parents were at work one afternoon, I had been down in the living room, looking at TV-shows and interviews my parents had taped.
Let’s just say I didn’t quite like what I was seeing there. I hated it, to tell you the truth.
Dougie was right. I was a complete and utter arse. No one could say a thing without me giving a sarcastic remark or an openly rude comment.
I had to turn the TV off after fifteen minutes, disgusted by myself and my own behaviour.
How could I let it get that far? What made me say all those things? Surely it wasn’t just the rush of being on TV. I’ve been pretty much living on TV for a couple of years now, so how could I still act like that?
I wonder how Tom, Danny and Dougie put up with me for so long. If I had been either of them, I would’ve locked myself in some dark basement, throwing the key away and waiting for myself to come to my senses. Well, either that or I would’ve given me a few good punches to clear my head.
And now I realise what Dougie meant. The worst thing of it all was that I didn’t even notice how horrible I had been acting. If I had just sat back and thought, like I do now, I would’ve seen what I had turned into.
I just should have listened. Dougie, Danny and Tom told me multiple times that I should just lay off and keep my mouth shut for once, that my comments weren’t funny anymore. I should have paid attention to it instead of taking it even further and using their anger for another one of mine out-of-place jokes.
And now I can also see what the whole thing must have done to Dougie. He’s been right, he was the center of my jokes most of the time. And it really looked like I enjoyed making him look like a complete idiot. I didn’t though, I swear I didn’t. I mean, I showed him how much I cared when we were with each other. Sadly though, I really never did when we were with others. But I love Dougie, more than anything. I love him so much that I left him because he figured it was best for him.
And that was three weeks ago. The longest three weeks in my life. And in case I haven’t made a point of it before, I miss Danny, Tom and, most of all, Dougie.
I’ve been online every day, logging onto several fansites, keeping updated on my own band through them. It hurt to see Dougie, Tom and Danny without me. It just looked wrong.
When they were asked about where I was, they said I was away to deal with some family emergency, the reason I gave Fletch for just disappearing out of the blue. They were all lying for me, covering me up. And I didn’t even deserve that.
Also, it was back to the same old. Danny and Tom did all the talking. But that was all they did, they responded to whatever they were asked. No jokes, no grins, no innuendos, no nothing. Dougie was sat off at the side, staring into space, being lost in his own little world. And when he was addressed, he gave some short answers or just nodded, shook his head or shrugged his shoulders. And he looked sad, sad beyond belief.
And all that was my fault. The silly antics, the thing that made us … well, us, they were gone. And it was all because of me.
I decided it was time for a change.
I grabbed the yellow pages and flicked through them until I found what I had been looking for.
And now I’m sitting here. The waiting room at a doctor’s. Well, not doctor, it’s a therapist. I need to find out why I had been acting that way and then figure out how I could turn things back to how they were.
I wanted to be let back into the band. I wanted to have my friends back. And maybe, just maybe, Dougie was willing to take me back again too.
A man, dressed in a woolen cardigan over his plain white shirt stepped out of his office, his eyes scanning a file he held in his hands.
“Harry Judd?” he called out, now looking around in the waiting room which was empty, except for me.
“That’s me.” I announce. I put the magazine I was flicking through back on the table and follow him into his office.
His office looks nice. Unlike I imagined it at a therapist’s. There’s his desk - at least that’s what I think is hidden under piles of papers. On the wall are hanging some certificates, from university, I guess, attached with simple tape instead of framed. Inbetween them are paintings that looked like they were done by children, his kids or grandkids maybe. There was a plant pot next to the window, the plant more dead than alive though. Next to the plant pot were two old and battered armchairs, a little table inbetween them. And opposite of that, the side of the room where the door was at, several books were scattered around on the floor.
In all fairness, this place is a mess. But it’s a mess where you feel comfortable in, not the slightest bit awkward like usually when you’re at a doctor’s.
“Please excuse the state of the room, Mr Judd. What can I say … nutty professor.” He turns to me, smiling warmly. “My name’s Nigel. Calling me by my last name, or even Doctor, makes me feel like my grandad.” He holds his hand out to me.
“Yeah … erm … I’m Harry.” I say as I shake his hand.
“Alright then, with that settled …” he gestures over to the airmchairs, “Let’s sit down and see how I can help you.”
I sit down, getting comfortable in the armchair, with one leg hanging over the side of it. Nigel gets out a notepad and sinks into the other armchair and just looks at me.
“So …” I start after a few moments of silence.
“You’ve ever been to a therapist before?”
“No, I haven’t.”
“Right, let me tell you how this works. I’m here to help you get the meaning behind some of your actions. I give advise. What you do with said advise is up to you. I’m no psychologist, so I won’t give you medication or hypnotise you or anything. We’ll just sit and talk and that’s it.”
“Right.”
“Alright then, why are you here?”
“This is a long story actually …”
“We have time.”
“Alright.” I get comfortable. “I was left by my boyfriend. Or well, not technically maybe. I left him, as in … I went away. I live in London with him but I’m currently back with my parents who live in the area.”
“How long have you been with your boyfriend, if you don’t mind me asking?”
“Bit over two years. Known him for about five though. We’re in this band together. McFly.”
Nigel thinks for a moment. “No, doesn’t ring a bell. Sorry, I’m more the jazz type of person. Anyway, why did you leave him?”
“He was unhappy in our relationship.”
“What do you mean, unhappy?”
“Alright see … with the band we always have interviews and telly-things and stuff. And … I don’t know why but I always downright insulted him and our bandmates. I’ve been watching some stuff my parents had taped and … it was really bad. I was absolutely rude. It was like … I seemed to have taken on a completely different personality without even realising it. Believe me, I’m not the type of person who likes to be mean to others, not at all. Especially not to my best friends.”
“I’m sure you’re not a mean person. You wouldn’t be here if you were. So, how did all this, the other side of your personality, affect your relationship?”
“Well, it was usually Dougie - that’s my boyfriend - who was on the receiving end of it all. We had a great time together, totally loved-up when we were in private. But then, as soon as we weren’t alone I turned into that monster. Dougie’s a bit more sensitive than the rest of the lads and with him also being my boyfriend … He really took it to heart. So we had this fight and he unleashed everything that had been going round his head for ages. And he said that, even though he still loves me, he can’t stand me at the same time and that he isn’t as happy in our relationship as he’s supposed to be. And that’s what made me leave. I hated the thought of not being able to make him happy anymore.”
I take a deep breath and swallow. I can feel the lump in my throat again that is telling me that I’m about to cry at any moment now. I ignore the feeling, force it back down, and focus back on Nigel.
“Have you tried talking to Dougie?”
I shake my head. “It wouldn’t have made sense. I mean, what was there to say? Everything that he had accused me of doing was right.”
“Maybe admitting defeat would have been a step in the right direction, you know.”
“But that’s the thing … back then I had no idea that he had been right. It was just when I was watching the videos at my parents’ when I realised what an arse I have been.”
“May I ask, Harry, what’s your postion in your band?”
“I’m the drummer, why?”
“Anything else? Like, singing, songwriting, producing maybe?”
“Erm … no.”
“Right, tell me something about your past. What did you do before the band? What were your plans in life?”
“Well, I went to an all boys’ boarding school. It was, well … normal. As normal as an all boys’ boarding school can get I suppose. Sure, I got in trouble every now and then but which teenage kid doesn’t? I always liked sports too, football and cricket and that sort of stuff. I think I would’ve gotten into that after school. Well, that or travelling. Seeing the world you know. But then I auditioned for the band and got in when I was sixteen, almost seventeen.”
“Where you popular? I mean, back in school?”
“Yeah, I had no reason to complain. I had many friends. I always had someone to hang out with.”
“And nowadays?”
“What do you mean?”
“Are you popular?”
“Within the band? Yeah, I think, about as popular as Tom I’d say. Tom’s our main man if you will, guy is a genius. He’s our main songwriter, plays guitar, piano and sings. And Dougie and Danny are the most popular with the fans I guess. But I mean, no surprise, they’re good-looking, always at the front. Danny sings and plays guitar, Dougie sings every now and then and plays bass. And they’re so silly, always making everyone laugh. They just attract, you know.”
At this Nigel stops taking notes which he had been doing ever since I had started talking. He looks back up at me, a knowing smile on his face.
“What?” I ask, not liking the way he’s looking at me.
“Ever heard of a thing called jealousy, Harry?”
I don’t quite know how to take this. What is he suggesting? Does he think that me being mean has to do with the fact that I’m jealous? Why would I be jealous? Who could I be jealous of anyway?
“What? Me, jealous? Why?”
“You just said it yourself, Harry. You’re the drummer in the back and in front of you there is the musical genius and the two good-looking guys who are loved by the fans. That is some tough competition.”
“But that doesn’t mean I’m jealous. I can’t sing and I can’t write. The only thing I can do is play the drums so that’s what I do.” I reason.
“Well, maybe ‘jealous’ isn’t the right description. Maybe it’s just … you’re missing the attention you used to get and you, maybe just subconsiously, feel like you have to compensate that in some other way. And that lead you to releasing that side of you that is being mean without intention.”
I think about what Nigel said. And as scary as it sounds, he does have a point. Back in school it was me who got the attention. I somehow always was center of attention even when I did something I shouldn’t have done and got in trouble. My parents showed off when, once more, my name appeared in the school newspaper when I had scored as the best at cricket.
Then I got into the band and suddenly there were three guys equally good as me, if not better. They all played their instruments longer than I have so obviously they were better. They wrote songs all the time and when I sat down and had a go at it, I failed miserably. I remember reading articles which told about the talent Tom, Danny and Dougie had and I wasn’t mentioned with a word.
So maybe Nigel’s right. Subconciously I craved the attention I used to get so I started to take that one thing I always have had and turned it against the others … my sarcasm and my weird sense of humour. And that took on an own dynamic which made me, for lack of a better word, an arsehole.
“I see you understand what I’m saying.” Nigel comments on my silence.
I look up at him and just nod my head.
“That’s a step in the right direction. That’s good.”
“What should I do now?”
“That’s up to you, Harry. It’s not my place to tell you what to do. As I said in the beginning of our session, I’m only here to give you advise and what you do with it is your choice.”
“Give me advise then.”
“You should try to get things right again.”
“I know but how?”
“Well, I can give you the number of a friend and colleague of mine. His office is in London.”
“So you reckon I should go back?”
“You can’t fix a problem over a distance.”
“But the others won’t listen to me.”
“Maybe you’re underestimating them.”
Silence falls upon us again and I just stare out of the window. Nigel’s right again. I really should fix this thing between Dougie, Tom and Danny and me. And I really can’t do that from here.
But what if they’re done with me? They gave me multiple chances to change and I never did. What if they’re fed up with giving me chances?
“Do you think the whole bond between you and your friends, between you and Dougie, is worth the risk?” Nigel asks, as if he read my mind.
“I’m scared.” I confess, “What if I wasted their belief in me to change and they don’t wanna hear any of it now?”
“You’ll never know if you won’t try.”
I take a deep breath. “Okay, I think I will do it.”
Nigel nods and gets up and over to his desk. He shuffles about in the papers and then pulls out something. He comes back over and hands me a business card.
“That’s the colleague I told you about. I think you should go see him on a regular basis. You’ve taken a huge step by facing up to your problems but you also have a long way ahead to solve them.”
I look down at the card of a certain Doctor Phillips. So I need a therapist now, how very celebrity of me. “Right, I’ll make an appointment as soon as I’m back.” I get up to shake Nigel’s hand. “Thanks for your help. Really, I appreciate it.”
“No problem, Harry. I’m always glad to help. And I wish you good luck in the future.”
“Thanks.” I say and leave his office.
===
Back home I announce to my parents that I’ll be going back to the band, that I’ve been wasting away long enough and that I finally need to set things right. I don’t even give them a chance to respond as I immediately storm up to my room to pack my stuff back up.
While I shove my clothing back into my bag, I grab my phone and dial a number I haven’t used in a bit … three weeks to be exact. I put the phone between my ear and shoulder and continue packing while I wait for the other person to pick up.
“Tom Fletcher?”
“Hey you.”
“Harry?” he asks surprised.
“Yeah.”
“Wow, I … ummm … hey! How are you?”
“Alright, you?”
“Well … yeah … erm … fine, thanks. Why are you-”
“I’ll be coming back.” I interrupt him.
At this Tom pipes up, hopeful. “You are?” I can hear the smile in his voice.
“Yeah. I need to settle things with you guys. I went to see a therapist earlier and-”
“Excuse me but you’ve been seeing what?”
I chuckle. “Yeah, I went to see a therapist. I watched some old videos and I could see what a jerk I’ve been. So I decided it was time to get some help about that.”
“That’s amazing, Harry. Congratulations.”
I don’t know why Tom congratulates me but I smile nonetheless. “Yeah well. Anyway. I’ll be coming back. Tonight. I’m just packing. I need to fix things with you guys as soon as possible. That’s why I’m calling. I need you to do something for me.”
“How can I help you?”
“Can you get Dougie and Danny over to yours tonight? Dunno, tell them something about a movie-night or whatever. Just don’t tell them I’ll be coming. I can leave within the next hour so I should be at yours around eleven.”
“Sounds alright to me but …” he trails off.
“But what?”
“Shouldn’t you fix things with just Dougie first? In all fairness Harry, he’s been miserable ever since you left. Danny and I can wait for your apology. As for me, you don’t even need to apologise at all because you just have with this phonecall.”
I stop dead in my tracks when Tom says that. If he was here, I’d hug him right now. I really don’t deserve a friend like him. But also, the thing he said about Dougie caused a sharp pang inside my chest. He’s miserable. Because of me.
“No Tom.” I say after a moment, “You all need to hear what I have to say. It’s important that all of you are there.”
“Okay, if that’s what you want. I’ll get them over. Eleven you say?”
“Yeah, I should make that.”
“Right then, I’ll see you tonight.”
“Okay, thanks Tom.”
“No problem. And Harry?”
“Hm?”
“I’m proud of you. Really, I am.”
I smile again. “Thank you. I’ll see you later.”
We both hang up and I continue packing. The last items I shove in my bag are the two things I never go anywhere without. Travis Barker’s drumsticks that Dougie got for me on my last birthday (how the hell he managed to get them still is beyond me) and a picture of him and me that was taken on our one-year anniversary.
I say goodbye to my parents, apologising to them for having rotten away in their house over three weeks before I jump in my car, setting off for the drive back to London.
===
It’s a quarter to eleven when I reach Tom’s house. I can see faint blue flicking light coming through the windows of Tom’s living room downstairs, a clear sign that him and the others only have the TV on with the rest of the lights switched off.
I park my car and get out, careful to be silent to not give away any signs that I am here. I walk up Tom’s drive and when I reach his door I pause for a moment.
This is it. The moment I have been waiting for for three weeks. I’m gonna see my bandmates again, I’m gonna see Dougie again. For a moment, the fear of being rejected comes up again but I force it back, take a deep breath and ring the doorbell.
A few moments later, a smiling Tom opens the door and before I can even say something, I have an armful of the blonde.
“Welcome back, Harry.” He beams as he lets go of me, ushering me inside.
“How are they?” I ask silently while I take my shoes and jacket off in the hallway, careful to not be heard by anyone but Tom.
“They’re not having a clue.”
“Good.”
“You ready then?” Tom asks, eyeing me.
“As ready as I can be I guess.”
“Then let’s face your inner demons.” He pats me on the shoulder encouragingly before loudly announcing, “Look who I found on my doorstep!” and shoving me gently into the living room.
Danny and Dougie both look away from the TV and their eyes widen considerably when they see me shyly waving at them.
“Hi guys.” I say uncertainly.
It’s Danny who is the first to regain his ability to speak. “Wow.” he gasps, “Hi Harry.”
Dougie says nothing. He just stares at me, his blue eyes still wide like saucers.
“Hi Dougie.” I say, smiling slightly.
“Hey.” he chokes.
“Sit down, Harry. Make yourself comfy. Want a beer? There’s also some pizza left from earlier.” Tom offers.
“No thanks, I’m fine.” I reply, plonking down onto the sofa.
I look around when I’m sat. Tom is sitting down next to me, stopping the film that had been running and switching on the little lamp on the table next to his couch.
Danny had been laying down on the floor, closest to the TV as usual, his head resting on the sofa cushions. He sits up to face me, pulling one of the cushions on his lap, absent-mindedly playing with one corner of it.
Dougie is sit on the armchair next to my side of the sofa and he’s the only one not looking at me. He fiddles with his bracelets and doesn’t even look up. Still, I can see the dark circles under his eyes, a sure sign that he barely slept in the past.
“How’ve you been?” Danny asks, breaking the silence.
I avert my eyes and look at him. “Alright. Been thinking loads.”
“That’s good I suppose.”
“Yeah, it was. That’s why I’m here. I really need to tell you guys a few things.”
Tom and Danny both look at me, waiting for me to start. Dougie still doesn’t look up but his fiddling on the bracelets stopped so I know he’s listening.
I take another deep breath. “First let me tell you guys how deeply I sorry I am for just leaving out of the blue. That was really inconsiderate and I promise it won’t happen again.”
“It’s alright.” Tom assures, “You needed time after … well, you know. Just … well, make sure to tell all of us next time.”
“I will, don’t worry. Also …” I trail off.
“Also what?” Danny asks, his eyebrows raised.
“I wanna apologise for my whole behaviour in the past. When I was at my parents’ I watched some videos of our interviews and I seriously could not believe what I was seeing. It was like a bad dream. I still can’t get my head around how I could be like that and you still put up with me.”
“We’re your friends, Harry.” Danny says.
“And that makes it even worse. You guys are my best mates, like brothers, and I treat you like shit. And in public too. There’s no excuse for that. And I’m sorry I never listened when you told me to stop. I can just say over and over again that I don’t know what went into me. But I promise, I am going to change. I’m gonna get me professional help and I will change.”
“What do you mean, professional help?” Danny wonders.
“I’ll start seeing a therapist.”
At this, Dougie’s head shoots up in a flash. Sure enough, he looks absolutely worse for wear. I feel another pang in my chest.
“Say again?” he asks.
“I went to see a therapist back at my parents’ and he made me realise I have some problems I can’t solve on my own. So he gave me number of a colleague down here. I’m gonna make an appointment tomorrow and I will have sessions on a regular basis to come to terms with my issues.”
“Issues?” Dougie asks.
“Yeah. It may sound weird but I’ve been subconciously jealous of all of you. Like, in the past, back at school, I always was the one everyone looked up to, everyone admired. And ever since I’m in the band I’m not. I’m the least talented of us four and, even though I didn’t realise it, I wanted the attention back, craved it. So I started to be mean to you guys. To make me feel better and to make you look worse, I guess. I dunno. That’s what I need to figure out I think. And a therapist is going to help me with that. I finally saw what I did to all of you and words cannot describe how sorry I am. But I am going to change. And I’m not just saying that, I mean it. And I hope you guys will accept me back in, as a drummer of the band and as your friend.”
I let my eyes travel within our little group, hoping for a sign that I am forgiven.
Tom smiles at me. “I already told you, apology accepted. You coming back and being ready to face up to your problems proves that you mean it. And if you need any help with that … don’t hesitate to say anything, yeah?”
“Thanks. Danny?” I look at him.
“S’alright, mate. We’re cool. I mean, you always were our friend, even when you were an arse. What kind of friends would we be to drop you when it gets tough for you now? Besides, I wouldn’t have been willing to give up my guitar for the drums. You know, you’re better on those things than you think you are.” He smiles reassuringly.
“Thank you.” I say, a huge weight lifted off my shoulders.
I turn to look at Dougie. He resumed back to play with his bracelets.
“Dougie?” I ask hopefully.
He doesn’t look up.
“Erm … hey Danny. Come and help me with something in the studio, yeah?” Tom addresses his fellow guitarrist, sensing that Dougie and I need a moment in private.
“What? But I wanna see-”
“Danny … basement … now!” Tom orders sharply, cutting Danny off mid-sentence.
Danny huffs and lets Tom pull him off the floor and drag him downstairs.
When the two of them are gone, I slide off the sofa and kneel down in front of Dougie, my hands resting on the sides of the armchair he’s sat in. I tilt my head down to look at him but he turns his head to the side.
“Dougie, will you look at me? Please?”
He still doesn’t look up. I sigh and still start speaking, hoping he will look up at one point.
“Look, I can only imagine how you felt in the past but you gotta believe me, I had no idea what I was saying and doing. But please Dougie, I need you now more than ever. I need you by my side to help me through this.”
“How could you be jealous, Harry? Jealous of your own boyfriend, of the person you always said you loved?” he mumbles, still not meeting my eyes.
“I don’t know, Dougie. But I’m determined to get behind it and get over and done with it.”
“And if it won’t work?” At this he slowly raises his head to finally look back at me. “You won’t see that therapist forever. What if it’s back to the same old after you stopped seeing them?”
I shake my head. “That’s not gonna happen.”
“But it can happen.”
“No. It can’t and it won’t!”
Dougie thinks for a moment, bringing his head down again. I look at him pleading, hoping to get through to him.
“Dougie, I know this may seem like nothing right now but I love you. I love you more than anything. I know I haven’t really proven that in the past but I’m gonna make it all better, I promise.”
Dougie sighs and brings his head up again. He leans back in the armchair and really looks at me for the first time ever since I arrived. His eyes gaze into mine.
“I love you too, Harry. I always have loved you.”
I smile. “God, I’m so happy to-”
“I wasn’t done.” he interrupts, “I do love you but I have to think about myself here, too. You’ve hurt me so often in the past with the things you said and with the way you’ve been acting. Too often and too much. It’s broken my trust in you. You may say you are willing to change but I need to see that you do cos frankly, your words mean nothing to me right now. Show me that you meant everything that you’ve just said and maybe we can have this talk again.”
After this he forces me to move backwards to let him get out of the armchair.
“Tell them I’ll catch up tomorrow.” he says, his thumb motioning towards the staircase to the basement.
I just nod, unable to say anything.
“See you around, Harry.”
“Yeah.”
And then he leaves.
I sink back onto my knees and let my head sink down onto the armchair, the warmth that Dougie has left on it immediately surrounding me.
I can feel the familiar lump in my throat again, the familiar sting comes back to my eyes. But this time I don’t do anything about it. I let the tears fall and drip onto the armchair.
I don’t know for how long I’m sat there, sobs wrecking my body, until I feel two strong arms wrap around me from behind. A head is resting on my shoulders and moments later I hear Danny whispering to me.
“It’s okay, Harry. It’s alright.” he says over and over again.
That only makes me cry harder though. I know he tries to comfort me and I appreciate that, I really do. It’s just the fact that, until I’m back with Dougie, nothing is alright.
The End
A/N 2: Just so you know, I never have been to a therapist so I have no idea how things work there, I just took the bit of knowledge I have from watching too many films ;)
A/N 3: For fear of sounding like a broken record, sequel anyone? ;) and you do know why I'm asking this, right? *nudge*nudge*wink*wink*
Comments are appreciated
Author: me again
Rating: PG-13
Chapter: 1/1 … Standalone
Genre: Drama
Pairing: Poynter/Judd
Summary: Harry decides it’s time for a change
Disclaimer: still no own, still no true
Dedication: everyone who read the previous part and demanded a sequel -> Cazzabum, flithymind, syphilisparade, verttiv, hidden_angel_07, yohlenyaoilover, mymoonmagic, scribblemusic, danni1112, the_first_chibi, stfoosa, ichnal, iiriz, earenya_beryl, laurenfoxy, __penetration, juweel and damdidaa .. you lot are wicked!
Author’s note: Title is a line from "Iris" by the Goo Goo Dolls (download url for a special version this is). This is also the - very long - sequel to "Psycho Boyfriend".
I miss him. So very much. It’s been three weeks and I miss him more with each passing day, each passing minute even.
The moment when he had said it’d be for the better to break up has been hauntin me non-stop for these three weeks too. Same as the talk we had before that. Or well … his speech more like it, I didn’t say much. And maybe that had been my mistake. I should have said something back to him. But truth be told, I had no idea what I could have said to make it all better.
I haven’t been talking to either of them ever since I left. I spoke to Fletch once, the morning after I left. I told him that there’s been a family emergency and that I had to be away for some time. He wasn’t happy but with no further gigs planned and just signings and interviews coming up, he had nothing real to make me come back to. So he reluctantly told me to take all the time that was needed.
In those three weeks I had enough time to think about everything. If I wasn’t spending time with my parents, I laid on my bed in my old room in their house, staring at the ceiling, occupied in my thoughts.
When my parents were at work one afternoon, I had been down in the living room, looking at TV-shows and interviews my parents had taped.
Let’s just say I didn’t quite like what I was seeing there. I hated it, to tell you the truth.
Dougie was right. I was a complete and utter arse. No one could say a thing without me giving a sarcastic remark or an openly rude comment.
I had to turn the TV off after fifteen minutes, disgusted by myself and my own behaviour.
How could I let it get that far? What made me say all those things? Surely it wasn’t just the rush of being on TV. I’ve been pretty much living on TV for a couple of years now, so how could I still act like that?
I wonder how Tom, Danny and Dougie put up with me for so long. If I had been either of them, I would’ve locked myself in some dark basement, throwing the key away and waiting for myself to come to my senses. Well, either that or I would’ve given me a few good punches to clear my head.
And now I realise what Dougie meant. The worst thing of it all was that I didn’t even notice how horrible I had been acting. If I had just sat back and thought, like I do now, I would’ve seen what I had turned into.
I just should have listened. Dougie, Danny and Tom told me multiple times that I should just lay off and keep my mouth shut for once, that my comments weren’t funny anymore. I should have paid attention to it instead of taking it even further and using their anger for another one of mine out-of-place jokes.
And now I can also see what the whole thing must have done to Dougie. He’s been right, he was the center of my jokes most of the time. And it really looked like I enjoyed making him look like a complete idiot. I didn’t though, I swear I didn’t. I mean, I showed him how much I cared when we were with each other. Sadly though, I really never did when we were with others. But I love Dougie, more than anything. I love him so much that I left him because he figured it was best for him.
And that was three weeks ago. The longest three weeks in my life. And in case I haven’t made a point of it before, I miss Danny, Tom and, most of all, Dougie.
I’ve been online every day, logging onto several fansites, keeping updated on my own band through them. It hurt to see Dougie, Tom and Danny without me. It just looked wrong.
When they were asked about where I was, they said I was away to deal with some family emergency, the reason I gave Fletch for just disappearing out of the blue. They were all lying for me, covering me up. And I didn’t even deserve that.
Also, it was back to the same old. Danny and Tom did all the talking. But that was all they did, they responded to whatever they were asked. No jokes, no grins, no innuendos, no nothing. Dougie was sat off at the side, staring into space, being lost in his own little world. And when he was addressed, he gave some short answers or just nodded, shook his head or shrugged his shoulders. And he looked sad, sad beyond belief.
And all that was my fault. The silly antics, the thing that made us … well, us, they were gone. And it was all because of me.
I decided it was time for a change.
I grabbed the yellow pages and flicked through them until I found what I had been looking for.
And now I’m sitting here. The waiting room at a doctor’s. Well, not doctor, it’s a therapist. I need to find out why I had been acting that way and then figure out how I could turn things back to how they were.
I wanted to be let back into the band. I wanted to have my friends back. And maybe, just maybe, Dougie was willing to take me back again too.
A man, dressed in a woolen cardigan over his plain white shirt stepped out of his office, his eyes scanning a file he held in his hands.
“Harry Judd?” he called out, now looking around in the waiting room which was empty, except for me.
“That’s me.” I announce. I put the magazine I was flicking through back on the table and follow him into his office.
His office looks nice. Unlike I imagined it at a therapist’s. There’s his desk - at least that’s what I think is hidden under piles of papers. On the wall are hanging some certificates, from university, I guess, attached with simple tape instead of framed. Inbetween them are paintings that looked like they were done by children, his kids or grandkids maybe. There was a plant pot next to the window, the plant more dead than alive though. Next to the plant pot were two old and battered armchairs, a little table inbetween them. And opposite of that, the side of the room where the door was at, several books were scattered around on the floor.
In all fairness, this place is a mess. But it’s a mess where you feel comfortable in, not the slightest bit awkward like usually when you’re at a doctor’s.
“Please excuse the state of the room, Mr Judd. What can I say … nutty professor.” He turns to me, smiling warmly. “My name’s Nigel. Calling me by my last name, or even Doctor, makes me feel like my grandad.” He holds his hand out to me.
“Yeah … erm … I’m Harry.” I say as I shake his hand.
“Alright then, with that settled …” he gestures over to the airmchairs, “Let’s sit down and see how I can help you.”
I sit down, getting comfortable in the armchair, with one leg hanging over the side of it. Nigel gets out a notepad and sinks into the other armchair and just looks at me.
“So …” I start after a few moments of silence.
“You’ve ever been to a therapist before?”
“No, I haven’t.”
“Right, let me tell you how this works. I’m here to help you get the meaning behind some of your actions. I give advise. What you do with said advise is up to you. I’m no psychologist, so I won’t give you medication or hypnotise you or anything. We’ll just sit and talk and that’s it.”
“Right.”
“Alright then, why are you here?”
“This is a long story actually …”
“We have time.”
“Alright.” I get comfortable. “I was left by my boyfriend. Or well, not technically maybe. I left him, as in … I went away. I live in London with him but I’m currently back with my parents who live in the area.”
“How long have you been with your boyfriend, if you don’t mind me asking?”
“Bit over two years. Known him for about five though. We’re in this band together. McFly.”
Nigel thinks for a moment. “No, doesn’t ring a bell. Sorry, I’m more the jazz type of person. Anyway, why did you leave him?”
“He was unhappy in our relationship.”
“What do you mean, unhappy?”
“Alright see … with the band we always have interviews and telly-things and stuff. And … I don’t know why but I always downright insulted him and our bandmates. I’ve been watching some stuff my parents had taped and … it was really bad. I was absolutely rude. It was like … I seemed to have taken on a completely different personality without even realising it. Believe me, I’m not the type of person who likes to be mean to others, not at all. Especially not to my best friends.”
“I’m sure you’re not a mean person. You wouldn’t be here if you were. So, how did all this, the other side of your personality, affect your relationship?”
“Well, it was usually Dougie - that’s my boyfriend - who was on the receiving end of it all. We had a great time together, totally loved-up when we were in private. But then, as soon as we weren’t alone I turned into that monster. Dougie’s a bit more sensitive than the rest of the lads and with him also being my boyfriend … He really took it to heart. So we had this fight and he unleashed everything that had been going round his head for ages. And he said that, even though he still loves me, he can’t stand me at the same time and that he isn’t as happy in our relationship as he’s supposed to be. And that’s what made me leave. I hated the thought of not being able to make him happy anymore.”
I take a deep breath and swallow. I can feel the lump in my throat again that is telling me that I’m about to cry at any moment now. I ignore the feeling, force it back down, and focus back on Nigel.
“Have you tried talking to Dougie?”
I shake my head. “It wouldn’t have made sense. I mean, what was there to say? Everything that he had accused me of doing was right.”
“Maybe admitting defeat would have been a step in the right direction, you know.”
“But that’s the thing … back then I had no idea that he had been right. It was just when I was watching the videos at my parents’ when I realised what an arse I have been.”
“May I ask, Harry, what’s your postion in your band?”
“I’m the drummer, why?”
“Anything else? Like, singing, songwriting, producing maybe?”
“Erm … no.”
“Right, tell me something about your past. What did you do before the band? What were your plans in life?”
“Well, I went to an all boys’ boarding school. It was, well … normal. As normal as an all boys’ boarding school can get I suppose. Sure, I got in trouble every now and then but which teenage kid doesn’t? I always liked sports too, football and cricket and that sort of stuff. I think I would’ve gotten into that after school. Well, that or travelling. Seeing the world you know. But then I auditioned for the band and got in when I was sixteen, almost seventeen.”
“Where you popular? I mean, back in school?”
“Yeah, I had no reason to complain. I had many friends. I always had someone to hang out with.”
“And nowadays?”
“What do you mean?”
“Are you popular?”
“Within the band? Yeah, I think, about as popular as Tom I’d say. Tom’s our main man if you will, guy is a genius. He’s our main songwriter, plays guitar, piano and sings. And Dougie and Danny are the most popular with the fans I guess. But I mean, no surprise, they’re good-looking, always at the front. Danny sings and plays guitar, Dougie sings every now and then and plays bass. And they’re so silly, always making everyone laugh. They just attract, you know.”
At this Nigel stops taking notes which he had been doing ever since I had started talking. He looks back up at me, a knowing smile on his face.
“What?” I ask, not liking the way he’s looking at me.
“Ever heard of a thing called jealousy, Harry?”
I don’t quite know how to take this. What is he suggesting? Does he think that me being mean has to do with the fact that I’m jealous? Why would I be jealous? Who could I be jealous of anyway?
“What? Me, jealous? Why?”
“You just said it yourself, Harry. You’re the drummer in the back and in front of you there is the musical genius and the two good-looking guys who are loved by the fans. That is some tough competition.”
“But that doesn’t mean I’m jealous. I can’t sing and I can’t write. The only thing I can do is play the drums so that’s what I do.” I reason.
“Well, maybe ‘jealous’ isn’t the right description. Maybe it’s just … you’re missing the attention you used to get and you, maybe just subconsiously, feel like you have to compensate that in some other way. And that lead you to releasing that side of you that is being mean without intention.”
I think about what Nigel said. And as scary as it sounds, he does have a point. Back in school it was me who got the attention. I somehow always was center of attention even when I did something I shouldn’t have done and got in trouble. My parents showed off when, once more, my name appeared in the school newspaper when I had scored as the best at cricket.
Then I got into the band and suddenly there were three guys equally good as me, if not better. They all played their instruments longer than I have so obviously they were better. They wrote songs all the time and when I sat down and had a go at it, I failed miserably. I remember reading articles which told about the talent Tom, Danny and Dougie had and I wasn’t mentioned with a word.
So maybe Nigel’s right. Subconciously I craved the attention I used to get so I started to take that one thing I always have had and turned it against the others … my sarcasm and my weird sense of humour. And that took on an own dynamic which made me, for lack of a better word, an arsehole.
“I see you understand what I’m saying.” Nigel comments on my silence.
I look up at him and just nod my head.
“That’s a step in the right direction. That’s good.”
“What should I do now?”
“That’s up to you, Harry. It’s not my place to tell you what to do. As I said in the beginning of our session, I’m only here to give you advise and what you do with it is your choice.”
“Give me advise then.”
“You should try to get things right again.”
“I know but how?”
“Well, I can give you the number of a friend and colleague of mine. His office is in London.”
“So you reckon I should go back?”
“You can’t fix a problem over a distance.”
“But the others won’t listen to me.”
“Maybe you’re underestimating them.”
Silence falls upon us again and I just stare out of the window. Nigel’s right again. I really should fix this thing between Dougie, Tom and Danny and me. And I really can’t do that from here.
But what if they’re done with me? They gave me multiple chances to change and I never did. What if they’re fed up with giving me chances?
“Do you think the whole bond between you and your friends, between you and Dougie, is worth the risk?” Nigel asks, as if he read my mind.
“I’m scared.” I confess, “What if I wasted their belief in me to change and they don’t wanna hear any of it now?”
“You’ll never know if you won’t try.”
I take a deep breath. “Okay, I think I will do it.”
Nigel nods and gets up and over to his desk. He shuffles about in the papers and then pulls out something. He comes back over and hands me a business card.
“That’s the colleague I told you about. I think you should go see him on a regular basis. You’ve taken a huge step by facing up to your problems but you also have a long way ahead to solve them.”
I look down at the card of a certain Doctor Phillips. So I need a therapist now, how very celebrity of me. “Right, I’ll make an appointment as soon as I’m back.” I get up to shake Nigel’s hand. “Thanks for your help. Really, I appreciate it.”
“No problem, Harry. I’m always glad to help. And I wish you good luck in the future.”
“Thanks.” I say and leave his office.
===
Back home I announce to my parents that I’ll be going back to the band, that I’ve been wasting away long enough and that I finally need to set things right. I don’t even give them a chance to respond as I immediately storm up to my room to pack my stuff back up.
While I shove my clothing back into my bag, I grab my phone and dial a number I haven’t used in a bit … three weeks to be exact. I put the phone between my ear and shoulder and continue packing while I wait for the other person to pick up.
“Tom Fletcher?”
“Hey you.”
“Harry?” he asks surprised.
“Yeah.”
“Wow, I … ummm … hey! How are you?”
“Alright, you?”
“Well … yeah … erm … fine, thanks. Why are you-”
“I’ll be coming back.” I interrupt him.
At this Tom pipes up, hopeful. “You are?” I can hear the smile in his voice.
“Yeah. I need to settle things with you guys. I went to see a therapist earlier and-”
“Excuse me but you’ve been seeing what?”
I chuckle. “Yeah, I went to see a therapist. I watched some old videos and I could see what a jerk I’ve been. So I decided it was time to get some help about that.”
“That’s amazing, Harry. Congratulations.”
I don’t know why Tom congratulates me but I smile nonetheless. “Yeah well. Anyway. I’ll be coming back. Tonight. I’m just packing. I need to fix things with you guys as soon as possible. That’s why I’m calling. I need you to do something for me.”
“How can I help you?”
“Can you get Dougie and Danny over to yours tonight? Dunno, tell them something about a movie-night or whatever. Just don’t tell them I’ll be coming. I can leave within the next hour so I should be at yours around eleven.”
“Sounds alright to me but …” he trails off.
“But what?”
“Shouldn’t you fix things with just Dougie first? In all fairness Harry, he’s been miserable ever since you left. Danny and I can wait for your apology. As for me, you don’t even need to apologise at all because you just have with this phonecall.”
I stop dead in my tracks when Tom says that. If he was here, I’d hug him right now. I really don’t deserve a friend like him. But also, the thing he said about Dougie caused a sharp pang inside my chest. He’s miserable. Because of me.
“No Tom.” I say after a moment, “You all need to hear what I have to say. It’s important that all of you are there.”
“Okay, if that’s what you want. I’ll get them over. Eleven you say?”
“Yeah, I should make that.”
“Right then, I’ll see you tonight.”
“Okay, thanks Tom.”
“No problem. And Harry?”
“Hm?”
“I’m proud of you. Really, I am.”
I smile again. “Thank you. I’ll see you later.”
We both hang up and I continue packing. The last items I shove in my bag are the two things I never go anywhere without. Travis Barker’s drumsticks that Dougie got for me on my last birthday (how the hell he managed to get them still is beyond me) and a picture of him and me that was taken on our one-year anniversary.
I say goodbye to my parents, apologising to them for having rotten away in their house over three weeks before I jump in my car, setting off for the drive back to London.
===
It’s a quarter to eleven when I reach Tom’s house. I can see faint blue flicking light coming through the windows of Tom’s living room downstairs, a clear sign that him and the others only have the TV on with the rest of the lights switched off.
I park my car and get out, careful to be silent to not give away any signs that I am here. I walk up Tom’s drive and when I reach his door I pause for a moment.
This is it. The moment I have been waiting for for three weeks. I’m gonna see my bandmates again, I’m gonna see Dougie again. For a moment, the fear of being rejected comes up again but I force it back, take a deep breath and ring the doorbell.
A few moments later, a smiling Tom opens the door and before I can even say something, I have an armful of the blonde.
“Welcome back, Harry.” He beams as he lets go of me, ushering me inside.
“How are they?” I ask silently while I take my shoes and jacket off in the hallway, careful to not be heard by anyone but Tom.
“They’re not having a clue.”
“Good.”
“You ready then?” Tom asks, eyeing me.
“As ready as I can be I guess.”
“Then let’s face your inner demons.” He pats me on the shoulder encouragingly before loudly announcing, “Look who I found on my doorstep!” and shoving me gently into the living room.
Danny and Dougie both look away from the TV and their eyes widen considerably when they see me shyly waving at them.
“Hi guys.” I say uncertainly.
It’s Danny who is the first to regain his ability to speak. “Wow.” he gasps, “Hi Harry.”
Dougie says nothing. He just stares at me, his blue eyes still wide like saucers.
“Hi Dougie.” I say, smiling slightly.
“Hey.” he chokes.
“Sit down, Harry. Make yourself comfy. Want a beer? There’s also some pizza left from earlier.” Tom offers.
“No thanks, I’m fine.” I reply, plonking down onto the sofa.
I look around when I’m sat. Tom is sitting down next to me, stopping the film that had been running and switching on the little lamp on the table next to his couch.
Danny had been laying down on the floor, closest to the TV as usual, his head resting on the sofa cushions. He sits up to face me, pulling one of the cushions on his lap, absent-mindedly playing with one corner of it.
Dougie is sit on the armchair next to my side of the sofa and he’s the only one not looking at me. He fiddles with his bracelets and doesn’t even look up. Still, I can see the dark circles under his eyes, a sure sign that he barely slept in the past.
“How’ve you been?” Danny asks, breaking the silence.
I avert my eyes and look at him. “Alright. Been thinking loads.”
“That’s good I suppose.”
“Yeah, it was. That’s why I’m here. I really need to tell you guys a few things.”
Tom and Danny both look at me, waiting for me to start. Dougie still doesn’t look up but his fiddling on the bracelets stopped so I know he’s listening.
I take another deep breath. “First let me tell you guys how deeply I sorry I am for just leaving out of the blue. That was really inconsiderate and I promise it won’t happen again.”
“It’s alright.” Tom assures, “You needed time after … well, you know. Just … well, make sure to tell all of us next time.”
“I will, don’t worry. Also …” I trail off.
“Also what?” Danny asks, his eyebrows raised.
“I wanna apologise for my whole behaviour in the past. When I was at my parents’ I watched some videos of our interviews and I seriously could not believe what I was seeing. It was like a bad dream. I still can’t get my head around how I could be like that and you still put up with me.”
“We’re your friends, Harry.” Danny says.
“And that makes it even worse. You guys are my best mates, like brothers, and I treat you like shit. And in public too. There’s no excuse for that. And I’m sorry I never listened when you told me to stop. I can just say over and over again that I don’t know what went into me. But I promise, I am going to change. I’m gonna get me professional help and I will change.”
“What do you mean, professional help?” Danny wonders.
“I’ll start seeing a therapist.”
At this, Dougie’s head shoots up in a flash. Sure enough, he looks absolutely worse for wear. I feel another pang in my chest.
“Say again?” he asks.
“I went to see a therapist back at my parents’ and he made me realise I have some problems I can’t solve on my own. So he gave me number of a colleague down here. I’m gonna make an appointment tomorrow and I will have sessions on a regular basis to come to terms with my issues.”
“Issues?” Dougie asks.
“Yeah. It may sound weird but I’ve been subconciously jealous of all of you. Like, in the past, back at school, I always was the one everyone looked up to, everyone admired. And ever since I’m in the band I’m not. I’m the least talented of us four and, even though I didn’t realise it, I wanted the attention back, craved it. So I started to be mean to you guys. To make me feel better and to make you look worse, I guess. I dunno. That’s what I need to figure out I think. And a therapist is going to help me with that. I finally saw what I did to all of you and words cannot describe how sorry I am. But I am going to change. And I’m not just saying that, I mean it. And I hope you guys will accept me back in, as a drummer of the band and as your friend.”
I let my eyes travel within our little group, hoping for a sign that I am forgiven.
Tom smiles at me. “I already told you, apology accepted. You coming back and being ready to face up to your problems proves that you mean it. And if you need any help with that … don’t hesitate to say anything, yeah?”
“Thanks. Danny?” I look at him.
“S’alright, mate. We’re cool. I mean, you always were our friend, even when you were an arse. What kind of friends would we be to drop you when it gets tough for you now? Besides, I wouldn’t have been willing to give up my guitar for the drums. You know, you’re better on those things than you think you are.” He smiles reassuringly.
“Thank you.” I say, a huge weight lifted off my shoulders.
I turn to look at Dougie. He resumed back to play with his bracelets.
“Dougie?” I ask hopefully.
He doesn’t look up.
“Erm … hey Danny. Come and help me with something in the studio, yeah?” Tom addresses his fellow guitarrist, sensing that Dougie and I need a moment in private.
“What? But I wanna see-”
“Danny … basement … now!” Tom orders sharply, cutting Danny off mid-sentence.
Danny huffs and lets Tom pull him off the floor and drag him downstairs.
When the two of them are gone, I slide off the sofa and kneel down in front of Dougie, my hands resting on the sides of the armchair he’s sat in. I tilt my head down to look at him but he turns his head to the side.
“Dougie, will you look at me? Please?”
He still doesn’t look up. I sigh and still start speaking, hoping he will look up at one point.
“Look, I can only imagine how you felt in the past but you gotta believe me, I had no idea what I was saying and doing. But please Dougie, I need you now more than ever. I need you by my side to help me through this.”
“How could you be jealous, Harry? Jealous of your own boyfriend, of the person you always said you loved?” he mumbles, still not meeting my eyes.
“I don’t know, Dougie. But I’m determined to get behind it and get over and done with it.”
“And if it won’t work?” At this he slowly raises his head to finally look back at me. “You won’t see that therapist forever. What if it’s back to the same old after you stopped seeing them?”
I shake my head. “That’s not gonna happen.”
“But it can happen.”
“No. It can’t and it won’t!”
Dougie thinks for a moment, bringing his head down again. I look at him pleading, hoping to get through to him.
“Dougie, I know this may seem like nothing right now but I love you. I love you more than anything. I know I haven’t really proven that in the past but I’m gonna make it all better, I promise.”
Dougie sighs and brings his head up again. He leans back in the armchair and really looks at me for the first time ever since I arrived. His eyes gaze into mine.
“I love you too, Harry. I always have loved you.”
I smile. “God, I’m so happy to-”
“I wasn’t done.” he interrupts, “I do love you but I have to think about myself here, too. You’ve hurt me so often in the past with the things you said and with the way you’ve been acting. Too often and too much. It’s broken my trust in you. You may say you are willing to change but I need to see that you do cos frankly, your words mean nothing to me right now. Show me that you meant everything that you’ve just said and maybe we can have this talk again.”
After this he forces me to move backwards to let him get out of the armchair.
“Tell them I’ll catch up tomorrow.” he says, his thumb motioning towards the staircase to the basement.
I just nod, unable to say anything.
“See you around, Harry.”
“Yeah.”
And then he leaves.
I sink back onto my knees and let my head sink down onto the armchair, the warmth that Dougie has left on it immediately surrounding me.
I can feel the familiar lump in my throat again, the familiar sting comes back to my eyes. But this time I don’t do anything about it. I let the tears fall and drip onto the armchair.
I don’t know for how long I’m sat there, sobs wrecking my body, until I feel two strong arms wrap around me from behind. A head is resting on my shoulders and moments later I hear Danny whispering to me.
“It’s okay, Harry. It’s alright.” he says over and over again.
That only makes me cry harder though. I know he tries to comfort me and I appreciate that, I really do. It’s just the fact that, until I’m back with Dougie, nothing is alright.
The End
A/N 2: Just so you know, I never have been to a therapist so I have no idea how things work there, I just took the bit of knowledge I have from watching too many films ;)
A/N 3: For fear of sounding like a broken record, sequel anyone? ;) and you do know why I'm asking this, right? *nudge*nudge*wink*wink*
Comments are appreciated