(no subject)
Im triggering very badly right now. I feel like shit. Its almost 3 am and im about to start my homework. I just woke up, i took some nyquil around 7 so i cud sleep cus i felt like shit.My heart burn is so bad, my doctor says its my esophogus repairing itself.Im very upset about what happen with me and Cira last night. She wanted to see me 2night for dinner but i was really to sick to go., I played it off as i didnt wanna go,but i did. Should i even bother with her? i want to, but then people tell me to stay away from her, cus of all the shit that went on last time. ugh i dont know. I mean i do know. I dont want to, i wanna stay with her..I mean friends..ya know. Im worried right this second. CUs i didnt see her tonight, shes gunna think im playin games and wont talk to me anymore like last time. Possibly why im triggering. Somtimes i feel as i wanna give up on this whole life shit. Im not cut out for it. I mean,i think id be better off up there, if there is even a place where we go after we die. I mean, id never kill myself, but i dont wanna really live anymore. Is this selfish of me to say? i dont know, this is how i feel though, I feel horrible saying this but i dont like this world i live in. I really dont. I cant deal with this shit. WHat shit? Getting up to nothing, another pointless day, alone, sad, disgusted, moneyless,being hurt. Yah most of this i control, i try, i cant. I dont know what im thinking at this very moment. Probaly how i am a horrible person. WHo the fuck says they hate living?? i mean i dont know what to do anymore. I dont. Im trying i am, im going to school, being social, im fucking trying. O god, now im giving myself chills. I feel sick to my stomach.I love my brother more then life it self. Hes going to be going into a group home in a few months. Its sad, but its a really good place for him. Better then here. Im so proud of all his accomplishments hes one smart kid. I love him, i definetly live for him .
Today i had therpay, another session wasted! ha, my therpaist sucks. She is the worst therapist in the fuckin world.... She thinks im crazy(well ya i am)ha.. but i mean she doesnt say shit when i talk.When i leave there i just wanna restrict more then i did when i walked in. She doesn't seem to understand eating disorders. Like ill tell her i binged she will b like so bunch on salad..Ummmmyahhh oK!!!lol.. I use to have a an amazing therpist, ut her sessions werent covered by my insurance, i dunoo sucks. I mean maybe i should go back and have my father pay.She was great..damnit, everything sucks, i dont even go to a therpist i get anything from. yes i know this is all in my hands and i can change everything im moping about , but maybe im just to fucking lazy. i dunoo anymore.I wish i had some painkillers. I need a good feeling in me right now. I need to go the city ..possibly sunday, I really need that.I need to just chill in the park for awhile, get my thoughts together, walk around the city, shop,cry,meet intresting people. I havent seen my doctor ina month, i gotta catch base with him. Possibly this weekend.
I sware i have the best doctor in the world. He dealt with so much from me. Having him paged cus i thought i was dying, writting letters for me , just being there,listening to me. I owe him alot. I think im going to do something nice and by something for his office. Possibly a nicething of choclates. That would be nice,with a lovely card. That would make me feel good. My aunt called me this morning, she nevers calls me,WHich was nice. She askedmeto come and eat over tomorow for dinner. I think im goign to cancell though. Im not feeling it. im just going to feel awkward. Im not isolating, i just dont wanna fuckin go. To be honest i rather get dinner with Cira and work things out. I have school at 930 . Until 12 15..Gurr..then work at1.Damnit. i hate working. I dont even know how i get myself to do it.,I mean i like my job, im just hate having to be somewhere i dont want to be. god i really hate myself. I hate feeling so lonely. Last night i was begging god to please take me live and let me come up to heaven,some shit happen with me and cira. Ughh..can u beleive i was begging for that.I was seriously hysterical begging for that from him. Im an awful person. iknow, i fucking know. Im just being honest im sharing my thoughts here. Im ashamed, I really am. But, this im just being honest. damnit listen to me. Listen i dont wanna die, i just dont know why im here on earth, i dont contribute to anything, im lonely. I dunoo i keep saying randee its all gunna work out. you have a purpose your going to help people. Your going to help other people who have eating disorders,depression . everything I been tthere i know.. I wanna help, i cant help anyone til im better, I know...well i got that out,,im going to either do homework. or sleep.
night.
Today i had therpay, another session wasted! ha, my therpaist sucks. She is the worst therapist in the fuckin world.... She thinks im crazy(well ya i am)ha.. but i mean she doesnt say shit when i talk.When i leave there i just wanna restrict more then i did when i walked in. She doesn't seem to understand eating disorders. Like ill tell her i binged she will b like so bunch on salad..Ummmmyahhh oK!!!lol.. I use to have a an amazing therpist, ut her sessions werent covered by my insurance, i dunoo sucks. I mean maybe i should go back and have my father pay.She was great..damnit, everything sucks, i dont even go to a therpist i get anything from. yes i know this is all in my hands and i can change everything im moping about , but maybe im just to fucking lazy. i dunoo anymore.I wish i had some painkillers. I need a good feeling in me right now. I need to go the city ..possibly sunday, I really need that.I need to just chill in the park for awhile, get my thoughts together, walk around the city, shop,cry,meet intresting people. I havent seen my doctor ina month, i gotta catch base with him. Possibly this weekend.
I sware i have the best doctor in the world. He dealt with so much from me. Having him paged cus i thought i was dying, writting letters for me , just being there,listening to me. I owe him alot. I think im going to do something nice and by something for his office. Possibly a nicething of choclates. That would be nice,with a lovely card. That would make me feel good. My aunt called me this morning, she nevers calls me,WHich was nice. She askedmeto come and eat over tomorow for dinner. I think im goign to cancell though. Im not feeling it. im just going to feel awkward. Im not isolating, i just dont wanna fuckin go. To be honest i rather get dinner with Cira and work things out. I have school at 930 . Until 12 15..Gurr..then work at1.Damnit. i hate working. I dont even know how i get myself to do it.,I mean i like my job, im just hate having to be somewhere i dont want to be. god i really hate myself. I hate feeling so lonely. Last night i was begging god to please take me live and let me come up to heaven,some shit happen with me and cira. Ughh..can u beleive i was begging for that.I was seriously hysterical begging for that from him. Im an awful person. iknow, i fucking know. Im just being honest im sharing my thoughts here. Im ashamed, I really am. But, this im just being honest. damnit listen to me. Listen i dont wanna die, i just dont know why im here on earth, i dont contribute to anything, im lonely. I dunoo i keep saying randee its all gunna work out. you have a purpose your going to help people. Your going to help other people who have eating disorders,depression . everything I been tthere i know.. I wanna help, i cant help anyone til im better, I know...well i got that out,,im going to either do homework. or sleep.
night.