dhr9waeragsduifgawe98rta
there are so many things i wish i could say right now, but knowing me with my luck, if i say one thing, it will get turned around & used agaist me. which blows. honestly, i dont know what to do anymore. i am so sick & tired of people always trying to be there for me. i know they are trying & that is all i can ask for, but then i tell them things & i trust them, but then i find out they cant trust me? wtfever. i hate high school. i am like | | <--that close to just dropping out of high school. i feel like i am wasting my time on everything. i hate this feeling that is coming over me. it sucks & i dont like it.
this have literally went down the drain these past few weeks. i dont think i have ever felt this way in my life. oh well..shit happens i guess right? i hate liking who i like. oh if you have a problem with who i like...go kill yourself. i dont care what the fuck you have to say about who i like. YOU cant run MY life get over it. i cant stand when people are like "omg you like so & so? ew that's gross!" ask me if i really give a shit. go on, ask me. personally i dont care what you all think. i think you are all immature fuck bags who need to grow the fuck up! anyway. the love life went down the shitter. i mean honestly. i cant take it anymore!!! feeling the way i feel for people isn't good. so many times these past few days i have been like "why in the hell am i even here? there is no point to this life!" but then everytime someone finds out, i get bitched at, which is THE LAST THING i need from someone. seriously. i cant take it anymore.
i feel like i am losing touch with people. whatever. i need to realize that it is high school & your old friends are hard to keep with meeting new people. like all the kids i was friends with at RJHS i dont talk to much anymore. barely. mostly all of my friends came from Keith. ugh.
i wish summer would come faster. i just want to get the fuck outta here. with YL camp in June, & maybe going on vacation after summer school is like AMAZING! i dont know if we are allowed to take anyone this year, i guess it depends on what we are doing. like i heard we were going to Italy, then i heard that we are going back to Stone Harbor. i dont really care. i pretty much grew up in Stone Harbor. i love every part of that town. i wish i would let my family go back to Bethany Beach, DE, but i just cant. going down there & having to face the people i dont really want to see would be really tough. & with Kyle's memorial, that would just be even harder. it just wouldn't feel right. i would go down if Don was still alive, but ya know, shit happens. i miss that kid...i really do. he was one of the ONLY PEOPLE who actually understood me & what was going through my mind. it was like we were separated at birth or something, but now that is he gone, i dont know what to do with myself. finding out that you lost someone you are close with is probably one of the most toughest things i have ever been through. not very many people knew about Don & Kyle. i loved them. i really did. they meant EVERYTHING to me. but now that i dont have the chance to get there to see them ever....it's just...ugh. i dont know. i loved Bethany Beach, i did i swear i did, but now going down there & seeing Kyle's & Don's parents, i would just have a mental breakdown. when Kyle died, i had a major mental breakdown. only because i was there. then i went a tad bit insane. i had to see a shrink, but i got kicked out because i told them that i was going to kill them & throw them off of a bridge if they ask me one more god damned question. then i went to a mental home for about a week, but that didn't make anything better. people say that i am insane, well what happened in my past has made me become insane. there are many things wrong with my brain that i cant even begin to discuss...that would just take WAY to long to explain. i guess i need to get over the fact that neither one of them are coming back & that i will get to see them one day, sooner or later. i know they are in a better place without pain & suffering. i pray for their families every night & day.
i just wish all the stress would leave. with the PSSA's & SAT's coming up, life isn't getting much easier. my math teacher keeps telling us that if we dont get a 60% or higher on the PSSA's that we dont graduate high school. i just keep thinking *oh great, looks like i am stuck here FOREVER* i have that feeling that i cant pass high school. merr. i know people are going to be like, "oh you'll just fine" but i have that feeling. ugh. then SAT's i want to do well on that because i want to get into college, but i have no clue if i will do any better on that. because if i get a 500 on SATs, any college in the area will accept me. i want to do really well on that too because i want to get a good education when i get the hell out of that hell hole.
well i must get going because i am going to the mall & the movies with Alyssa...comment please
♥AshRae):