For theatrical_muse
45 - What makes you feel vulnerable and what makes you feel invulnerable, and why?
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What makes me feel vulnerable? I'm a human, flesh and blood and a tangled mess of emotions that get the better of me even when I'm trying my hardest not to let them. Knowing that all it would take is a strategically placed bullet or knife, or a mutated cell spreading into a cancer to end my life. Is that not enough of a weakness? Of a vulnerability? The fact that my hands shake when I lift a weapon to someone's head, I can talk the talk, make the threats, but I could never walk the walk, never actually kill someone, take that life, see the light in their eyes disappear and know I exploited their vulnerability.
Sleeping when we're being chased is another thing, knowing that I have to rest, to sleep and recharge whilst there's something out there that's relentlessly chasing me and my son is something I hate, I hate that weakness, but it's a necessary one, it means that we're forever separated from the machines, from the terminators. When we sleep we're vulnerable to all kinds of attack, I don't sleep heavily anymore, the slightest noise is enough to wake me, hand curled around the pistol beneath my pillow, gun cocked and raised. It's not much, but it's something, it's a small comfort - as long as it's not John coming in to check on me, I've pointed too many guns at my son as it is.
John... he's one of the two things that makes me feel most vulnerable. There is nothing I wouldn't do for him. But any situation were he's in danger I lose whatever fighter there is in me and I become his mother. Maybe he doesn't believe that, he sure as hell doesn't know that whenever he's in danger I'm not thinking about the future or about him being the almighty John Connor. I'm thinking about my son, my baby in the line of fire, possibly getting hurt because I can't save him, because I'm not fast enough. That I'll lose my child to someone or something. That the cops will come, social services take him away from me again. Without John, I have nothing. I am nothing.
Ironically, at times John makes me feel invulnerable. When I know he's safe and I'm out to protect him, with a bag full of weapons and Derek beside me I feel like there's nothing I can't do, no machine I can't take on, no computer defence system I can't destroy. Having Derek beside me helps, my faith in his ability to protect myself and John is absolute, I know he can do the things that I can't and whilst his detachment is more than a little scary, I feel more confident and safe with him around than I do without. Especially with Cameron in the house; Derek is always watching her, one foot out of line and he will take her down.
Derek... never mind.
Ultimately, when I'm armed to the teeth with an airtight alias in a new town, where we know no one and no one knows us, despite always being on alert, that's when I feel safest, when I feel strongest. When I feel like I really could be the Sarah Connor of 'legend'.
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Muse: Sarah Connor
Fandom: Terminator: The Sarah Connor Chronicles
Word Count: 545
[Locked]
What makes me feel vulnerable? I'm a human, flesh and blood and a tangled mess of emotions that get the better of me even when I'm trying my hardest not to let them. Knowing that all it would take is a strategically placed bullet or knife, or a mutated cell spreading into a cancer to end my life. Is that not enough of a weakness? Of a vulnerability? The fact that my hands shake when I lift a weapon to someone's head, I can talk the talk, make the threats, but I could never walk the walk, never actually kill someone, take that life, see the light in their eyes disappear and know I exploited their vulnerability.
Sleeping when we're being chased is another thing, knowing that I have to rest, to sleep and recharge whilst there's something out there that's relentlessly chasing me and my son is something I hate, I hate that weakness, but it's a necessary one, it means that we're forever separated from the machines, from the terminators. When we sleep we're vulnerable to all kinds of attack, I don't sleep heavily anymore, the slightest noise is enough to wake me, hand curled around the pistol beneath my pillow, gun cocked and raised. It's not much, but it's something, it's a small comfort - as long as it's not John coming in to check on me, I've pointed too many guns at my son as it is.
John... he's one of the two things that makes me feel most vulnerable. There is nothing I wouldn't do for him. But any situation were he's in danger I lose whatever fighter there is in me and I become his mother. Maybe he doesn't believe that, he sure as hell doesn't know that whenever he's in danger I'm not thinking about the future or about him being the almighty John Connor. I'm thinking about my son, my baby in the line of fire, possibly getting hurt because I can't save him, because I'm not fast enough. That I'll lose my child to someone or something. That the cops will come, social services take him away from me again. Without John, I have nothing. I am nothing.
Ironically, at times John makes me feel invulnerable. When I know he's safe and I'm out to protect him, with a bag full of weapons and Derek beside me I feel like there's nothing I can't do, no machine I can't take on, no computer defence system I can't destroy. Having Derek beside me helps, my faith in his ability to protect myself and John is absolute, I know he can do the things that I can't and whilst his detachment is more than a little scary, I feel more confident and safe with him around than I do without. Especially with Cameron in the house; Derek is always watching her, one foot out of line and he will take her down.
Derek... never mind.
Ultimately, when I'm armed to the teeth with an airtight alias in a new town, where we know no one and no one knows us, despite always being on alert, that's when I feel safest, when I feel strongest. When I feel like I really could be the Sarah Connor of 'legend'.
[/Locked]
Muse: Sarah Connor
Fandom: Terminator: The Sarah Connor Chronicles
Word Count: 545