the jurisprudence of sovereigns is commonly the right of the stronger
so i had a dream last night that shed me some light on my recent struggle. i had been in a relationship with someone for some time and had behaved badly and done somethings i wasn't really proud of. i knew that i loved him and cared about him, but i acted poorly and i dont know why. i would go on dates with other people, i wouldn't answer the phone sometimes when he called, i would blow him off if i had something important to do, he poored out his heart to me and i said nothing. then i did something that broke the camels back and he left. i realized that i needed him so i would call him and ask to hang out, i wouldn't want to talk about what happened, i just wanted to be around him and hoped that things could just go back to the way they were. he would look at me with such disdain, i thought for sure he hated me when he'd bring up the things i'd done and wouldnt let me get close to him. i knew that if i just put some effort into it, more then just calling him every few days or weeks that i might win him back. but i didnt. i guess i felt like that hate would never go away, that look in his eyes would never go back to the loving look it had been. that no matter how much i apologized, he wouldn't be able to find forgiveness. i also felt confused, i didn't feel like a different person, even if i did realize i needed him and loved him and wanted to be better, had anything changed? would i work hard to make him love me and smile only to cause him further pain and disappoint him again? he eventually got tired of waiting around and stopped answering when i called. and i still didn't do anything. i just sat and pouted about it. i feel pathetic. it doesn't seem like i loved him at all. but i did. i just wasn't brave enough to let him in, or courageous enough to put myself out there and show him how i felt. now he's gone.