i'm hoisting up my white flag. i'm done
i got in a fight with justin last night. perfectly harmless fight, i could feel it as i was fighting with him. i knew he was right and i was right and i knew the fight wasn't going to solve anything or make anything better or worse, it was just a fight for rather pointless reasons. i think that most fights come because one person is going through something the other person doesn't know about and that person's troubles cause an escalation of an event. justin was lecturing me and i feel like i'm tired of people telling me what to do. any other day and other situation and it would not have become a fight, but recently having everyone tell me how to live and tell me what to do, i just snapped. no one else will hear "yea your my friend, not my dad so stop telling me what to do" but justin heard it. i feel like i understand the way ashley acted in high school when she started dating keith for the 5th time. everyone was like "ashley are you serious?" and we stressed the situation so much, and kept giving our advice out though unsolicited and made her feel uncomfortable so she just stopped talking to us. its just so easy when your on the outside, when its a friend and not you, to add some cents (sense) to the situation, but in reality giving an opinion that isn't warrented, just hurts the friendship. so being around my friends for the past few months had led me to lie and feel uncomfortable because i dont want them telling me what to do or going "courtney! again, oh jesus" it makes me feel stupid when all i want to do is make decisions for myself about factors of my life not concerning my friends and still be friends with my friends unrelated.
but what can i do? i asked their opinions before, i brought my problems out on the table and allowed them into parts of my life that maybe they shouldn't be a part of. it seems like if you have best friends they should be knowledgeable of every aspect of your life because you share it all and they weigh in on it all. but it seems that just leads to you doing something they dont like and it adding more drama then it needs to. i certainly didn't anticipate how frustrating it was going to be having all my friend's opinions in my head, and its exhausting. i think everything out and i have enough voices in my head telling me what to do that i dont need five or ten or twenty or even fifty other voices in my head telling me what i should do. i'm at the point where i dont even want one other voice. not one. i seem to make better decisions and work things out so much easier when its just me and my brain and im running off instinct. the minute i start adding other wisdoms to the pile, i lose sight of how i really feel and its stunted my ability to think for myself or make decisions for myself.
even though i've been going through shit, i've felt so much better about myself lately just not talking about it. no one knew what my problem was when i came back from europe, when i didn't talk to anyone, and still no one knows to this day and its ok. maybe if i'd asked for advice and put my problems out there, i'd have all that excess opinion and i'd still be stuggling with it. thats what im going with anyway. i've always been an introverted person, i really do gain energy when im alone and use it when im out. i feel better, i act better (nicer i should say) and i think better when my thoughts are internalized. i can be loud and fun and i can talk about deep stuff and argue to the death with someone, but it doesn't compare to whats going on in my head. so unanimously, all the parts of my brain have agreed on this one thing. though back in 2004 when i decided to let my friends in and start talking about my problems and letting people be there for me when im sad or angry, it hasn't made me happier in the long run. i'd rather just hang out and have fun with my friends, and work out my frustrations myself. i think i'll be able to ask for help when i need it and still need the people i do, but i wont feel so confused by everything or so exposed to the point that people think they can analyze me and make me yell at them. i'm not up for analysis, i'm not up for pity, i'm not up for having people try to mainpulate me because they know my faults. so i'm closing up shop. courtney is no longer on display.
this is the last live journal i will write, both publicly or friends only. if i write to releave stress, its going right back into a private journal that worked so well for me in high school. no more sad, no more depressing, no more angry, no more venting. if i write, it'll just be major events that make me happy and i feel the need to share, though i'll probably just say that to people instead of typing a live journal. i've gotten rid of so much baggage the past few months, all these things i'd always thought i'd have and treasure are now gone. its time to put this one to rest for me. hit me up if you want to chat, i'm always up for that.
but what can i do? i asked their opinions before, i brought my problems out on the table and allowed them into parts of my life that maybe they shouldn't be a part of. it seems like if you have best friends they should be knowledgeable of every aspect of your life because you share it all and they weigh in on it all. but it seems that just leads to you doing something they dont like and it adding more drama then it needs to. i certainly didn't anticipate how frustrating it was going to be having all my friend's opinions in my head, and its exhausting. i think everything out and i have enough voices in my head telling me what to do that i dont need five or ten or twenty or even fifty other voices in my head telling me what i should do. i'm at the point where i dont even want one other voice. not one. i seem to make better decisions and work things out so much easier when its just me and my brain and im running off instinct. the minute i start adding other wisdoms to the pile, i lose sight of how i really feel and its stunted my ability to think for myself or make decisions for myself.
even though i've been going through shit, i've felt so much better about myself lately just not talking about it. no one knew what my problem was when i came back from europe, when i didn't talk to anyone, and still no one knows to this day and its ok. maybe if i'd asked for advice and put my problems out there, i'd have all that excess opinion and i'd still be stuggling with it. thats what im going with anyway. i've always been an introverted person, i really do gain energy when im alone and use it when im out. i feel better, i act better (nicer i should say) and i think better when my thoughts are internalized. i can be loud and fun and i can talk about deep stuff and argue to the death with someone, but it doesn't compare to whats going on in my head. so unanimously, all the parts of my brain have agreed on this one thing. though back in 2004 when i decided to let my friends in and start talking about my problems and letting people be there for me when im sad or angry, it hasn't made me happier in the long run. i'd rather just hang out and have fun with my friends, and work out my frustrations myself. i think i'll be able to ask for help when i need it and still need the people i do, but i wont feel so confused by everything or so exposed to the point that people think they can analyze me and make me yell at them. i'm not up for analysis, i'm not up for pity, i'm not up for having people try to mainpulate me because they know my faults. so i'm closing up shop. courtney is no longer on display.
this is the last live journal i will write, both publicly or friends only. if i write to releave stress, its going right back into a private journal that worked so well for me in high school. no more sad, no more depressing, no more angry, no more venting. if i write, it'll just be major events that make me happy and i feel the need to share, though i'll probably just say that to people instead of typing a live journal. i've gotten rid of so much baggage the past few months, all these things i'd always thought i'd have and treasure are now gone. its time to put this one to rest for me. hit me up if you want to chat, i'm always up for that.