New Prescription

[happynoose]

Okay so I'm in love with Zak. Sounds like it should be simple seeing that he loves me too, Hmmm not quite. Although I was shocked that he told me so last Saturday, a part of me knew it was something he had tried to tell me before. Because he was off his head I didn't say anything back and he told me he didn't expect me to, but still I asked him to tell me again when he was sober. He did that the next night but still I freaked and that is due to many reasons and one of them being that I am terrified of getting hurt again. This is not fair on Zak though to compare him to the fuckin arseholes who have fucked me over in the past and sometimes it's good to take a risk and not be overly cautious. And now all I want to tell him is how much I love him. I'm not afraid of honesty. I would rather be vulnerable than keep things to myself just to be on the safe side. In fact, if anything I am the one that hurt him even before we became official. He caught me kissing Jordan a while ago. We've recovered from that. I thought I had totally fucked it up with him at the time and that I had lost him. He's still hurt by it, I know. He told me the other night and I feel so shitty about it. It kills you when you've hurt someone you love. And this week he has been acting kind of distant. I knew he was busy with his new full time job and all but still I sensed something was wrong. And then last night while I was out with Roxy and Ryan he called me and demanded why I kissed Andy last weekend. I have absolutely no recollection of that happening at all. But he saw it happen and now I feel like such a cunt.  Why am I kissing other friends when I'm wasted when my boyfriend is right fuckin there?! I'm so stupidly self-destructive sometimes. It's like I don't want to be happy. And after all that he still wants to be with me and I soooo just want to be with him. I don't want to do stupid things anymore and hurt him by saying or not saying certain things or hurt him with silly intoxicated actions. I can't believe he is still around after all that he knows about me and shit. He knows things about me my best friends don't even know and it hasn't made him run away like it probably would anyone else. He could be my anti-depressant if I just let him and not those stupid pills the psychiatrist gave me. Seeing him today will be the highlight of my week. Don't I just make you sick???

I'm also in love with Muse's new album. It's so hot. And reading about how much of a stupid heroin junkie William Burroughs was. Super hot.