Relationships - Why?
Throughout your life, you'll be in love at least twice. Some of us will be in a constant state of love and some of us will lust/like many, but love few. Whatever category you fall in, it doesn't matter. Relationships are just as complex. Sometimes maybe it's better to have one or two loves. I don't know. Inexperience can carry it's own major issues. Regardless, love, relationships, long term commitment, hell even short term intense meetings have an emotional component that makes it almost impossible to be rational. What would usually be an easy thing to talk over if friends, when put in the context of emotional dependence, becomes a minefield of the wrong words, anger, hurt feelings and ,mainly words/deeds that can't be taken back. Some things that should have been done and said, never get said until it's far too late and the damage has been done.
The problem with relationships is our inability to get past the feelings and think rationally. Many of us will be too wrapped up or afraid of the emotional fallout, and will put up with a lot of emotional fuckovers just so we retain that level of comfort and pretending. I know, I sound completely cynical. But I'm not trying to be cynical. I believe that love exists, despite the "once in a lifetime crowd" who haven't put me off the prospect of The One. Who am I fooling. Sometimes I think there is that special one. Others times I think not. I'm pretty sure the majority of us have these thoughts. Even when you are with the one you love, fights and resentments occur (more resentment occurs when one partner is entirely uncommunicative or worse, combative).
What to do when you fight and you live together? Sleeping in separate beds is not entirely a bad idea but it really depends on the availability of a comfortable couch or spare room. Even then, what's the sense? You wake up in the morning with the same anger, this time mixed with hurt. Or you sleep in your own bed because it's your right to do so. That's my personal stance. If he pissed me off that much, I would ask him to sleep on the couch. Here's the kicker though. How long do you hold this in? When does rational thought fit in and is rational thought possible when you're so conflicted emotionally?
I remember when these disagreements -no fights - would literally be so intense. Paralysis overtakes all your strength. You feel like your heart is being torn out. You think 'this is the end'. Sometimes this even makes you sexually aroused. (But with your luck, you'll be dating the person who doesn't do makeup sex.)Wrack up another resentment and add it to the list of rules you have to abide by to keep things smooth. Complex sexual rules that supposedly aren't rules but really are. You know these rules, but if you mention these rules, you'll be told again and again they really don't exist. "These rules are meant to be changed. Come, follow my rules and you'll see I am telling the truth." I'm not falling for that anymore, and neither should you. What's the truth one day is not the truth the other. Things that are so complicated are thrown out there as possible absolutes, then they are refurnished in unimportant when necessary. It makes you feel crazy. You can't ever tell what's right and what's wrong. Okay, maybe you can but it's hard to admit all that's wrong in it's full implications.
So this is love. This is relationships. While I do like to have relationships, I realize as well they don't always (never?) last. We're serial monogamists. I'm sure there is a biological/anthropological theory or two or many that posits why this is. In real life, for some reason, we simply decide that this love is too harmful, not going anywhere, one-sided, etc. and then you bail. You do it slowly. You start disrespecting the other person, you rarely or never have sex, you don't talk much, you don't cuddle much. You wonder over and over why you are sacrificing so much. You are always wondering what the other person is wondering. That's the worst part. They have their issues with you and you know this. And you wonder all the time what they are and know most of the time you won't get the truth. But you won't admit the truth either and you try not to think it.
Then you think of why you fell in love first of all. Were there moments that you looked at him/her and thought how absolutely hot they were? Didn't your heart fill right up with lustlove and didn't you feel a sense of awe at their beauty? If you can remember these times and the memory is still the same, you probably have a chance. Giving up or letting go is when you can't own these feelings anymore. They're gone away from your memory and your heart. Either way, unless you feel sick of the other person, you're going to go through a big change when they leave.
Me? I don't want that chance, if I were to think rationally I would have to admit that yes, what happened tonight with my significant other really does screw me up and make me feel insecure. I found the best defence for this is to get in shape physically, get more self confidence and kick ass. Make jealousy your friend. Well, not yours, his. That's what I'm going to do. I can't really cry anymore and there is no point. By crying I concede I am weak and because I am the first to make amends I am weak in my position.
Screw it. You know, you are your own worst enemy. Look, like yourself, carry yourself with confidence, even if you don't feel it. Know that other people like you, and that you are not going to be alone if this one fails. I know it sounds cold, but the first rule is to protect yourself and think realistically. This relationship will be done if previous stats are any indication.
And don't you always say the same thing to the one you love? You want to be with them forever. You want to love them and you can't imagine that stopping. So you've said this to at least two people. They are all your loves.
I've had a few good loves. I've had some brief and short powerful loves/lusts and these I have found to be the most amazing and the most sad as well because things were so perfect and intense and very very sexual. These I'll hold on to forever because these memories have not been contaminated. Nothing but goodness can happen in such a brief time. Years can pass and these loves you will always feel powerful and lusty about. These things are okay. Fascination of beauty, looking into each others eyes, knowing that this connection is powerful and even pledging this to each other. This is what these short good loves are made of.
Full relationships, real serious ones, these, I don't know what to say about these. In the beginning it is lust and this longing for the other person. Times where you can sit and stare at them admiring their beauty. You listen to what they say like they are gods. And you actually care what they say. You want to please them, and you do so unselfishly - sexually and emotionally. You begin to notice, they don't exactly give you back what you need. (Do you even really know if you know this?) You wonder why you should be so sexually or emotionally free when you feel they are closed to many things. What chance is there that your needs will be met when your lover will not make changes for you and he/she simply gives up? Not much. This comes from experience. Then fights ensue and it is ultimately up to you to sacrifice more - you have to sacrifice intimacy of the best kind. You have to sacrifice morning and bedtime sex. You sacrifice orgasms. Your own personal sexual feelings, you willingly sacrifice. No man would do that for me. Why should he?
We have these different loves. We see their faces and we remember that love, but it no longer matters. It is no longer important that this person loves you. Eventually, and most likely, friendship will not be a part of your future. How sad this is. We mate with someone. We love someone and share our thoughts, dreams, vulnerabilities, bodies and souls with them, and we will eventually no longer care. I wish this were not so, but even hopeless romantics know we are all destined for heartbreak.
I've decided that right now, I don't really have a lot of feelings about what me and my significant other fought about (although it really does matter). I will not apologize or engage in any arguing or discussion about this anymore. Things that he calls me (sorry, infers that I am) are mean, very mean. I am sometimes with a 12 year old. I'm a whore really. This man knows my serious issue with all that is me, especially physically. He sees it manifested in bulimia and anorexia, depending on the day. Yet he will never be unselfish or sensitive enough to take this into consideration.
Here I am talking in the first person. I'm sure you all know what I am talking about. Love happens, but love happens more than once, and for that I think we should be happy. new sensational feelings. Lust, lust lust. Those long glances staring at wet lips watching the tongue moisten where you want to touch. This is what I want. I hope it is what I get. I can't live without this love.
Consequences.
