Bizarre and then more bizarre
So, I'm trying my very hardest to make some lemonade from the lemons that life seems to throw me left and right. I'm not starting school this year, which sucks - WHICH REALLY SUCKS IN FACT. But, then again maybe everything happens for a reason and I just wasn't ready to start school this year. But, I'm not giving up on my higher education, it will happen - without a doubt... and it will for sure happen by next year, I don't care what I have to do, but I'll do it. I'm looking for a job that will pay me good money and I'll live at home and try and save up as much as I possibly fucking can. This is the way I'm looking at it... if I could, I have enough skills at the moment where the need to go and study isn't necessary - I mean, it's not like I'm fucking learning a trade anyways, I'm learning theories. But, I want to study and have a degree for myself, to know that I could do it. I can always go back to working in whatever field I want - there will always be jobs, but 2 years of free tuition won't always be there. So, that's that... school next year - and if I"m lucky - maybe even at the English Psych program in Herzeliya - that would be really friggin nifty.
Last night, Doron called me at like 2:45 AM!! I actually considered not answering him - but then thought that I would be super pissed at myself if I didn't. We talked and talked and talked and I did my fucking best to prolong the conversation for as long as humanly possible - in fact it was 3 hours. I laughed so much in that short period of time - it felt so nice to actually be talking to him like a normal human being. He let his guard down enough that we could talk like normal people, as if we've been friends for the longest time and it didn't matter that we hadn't really talked in prolly over 4 months... of course it helped that he was high at the time, but still, it was just really nice. I also know that the conversation didn't change anything - I mean, the bottom line is that I still love him and I have a strong feeling that my heart will always belong to him, but on the other side of the equation, he doesn't want to be with me and that's it. For whatever demented reason it was, it doesn't matter he doesn't want to be with me and I wish that things were different, but they're not. The conversation was just a nice friendly gesture on his part and does not mean that we're getting back together. I'd be lying to myself if I said that it didn't make my hope burn a little brighter for a future with him - but that was inevitable. All in all, I'm glad that he called - perhaps I wish that the conversation had been more along the lines of... "Alessia, I love you... I thought that I didn't want a relationship with you, but I was wrong." At which point I'd stop him and tell him that "It doesn't matter - whatever the reason, you felt you needed this and if you really love me and want to make this really work, like in an adult way, then I'm here for you, but I don't want anything unless you're 100% sure." Or something along those lines...
The weird thing is that it took me nearly 20 minutes to stop shivering. Whenever he calls or whenever I"m telling somebody about him/us, I seem to get these awful shivers where I just go really cold and my teeth start chattering together, as if I were standing naked in the middle of a snowstorm. I'm really surprised that he didn't notice. Sometimes, even when I write about him, I have the same reaction but on a lesser scale. Nobody has ever affected me like that - nobody has ever affected me so much emotionally that it provokes a physical reaction as well. It's a really strange sensation.
I won't really dwell too much on the fact that after our 3 hour phone call, he calls me back like 5 minutes later - and I swear my heart nearly jumped out of my chest at that call because honestly, I thought for sure that he was going to say something along the lines of what I wrote above, but instead we wind up having phone sex. God, how much I wished it were real... that he really was inside me - I seriously cannot remember the last time that I really enjoyed good sex... prolly about 4 or 5 months ago - Doron spoiled me and has ruined sex with anybody else because nothing seems to really measure up (if he ever does read this, I'm sure he'll be thrilled at this prospect, but it's the truth).
So, I'll end this with - I'm feeling better and more hopeful about life in general and I have 2 job interviews and I still love Doron but he still doesn't want me.