unexpected visitors and welcomed new beginnings...
Well, it's certainly not exactly how I imagined things happening, but well, I guess I've come to learn that things with Doron never really happen the way that I expect them to. This is the longest that we've ever been apart... 6.5 months and it's going to be really hard to do this the right way without rushing into things and just expecting things to be as they were. I mean, in the past, thats basically how we've done things... when we get back together, it's as though we had never been broken up, at least that's how i felt, I don't know how it felt for him because I was always the one that did the breaking up and now I know, having been in both places, that being the one broken up with is much more difficult to get over. There is a trust there that was broken, nearly shattered and rebuilding that is gonna suck and it's gonna take a lot of effort. It's going to be even more effort because I live in Tsoran and work in Even Yehuda and Doron lives and works in Petah Tikva and studies in Yaffo. There is no middle point for us to be alone really. It's going to be a trade off between which house to be in when we're spending time with eachother. I have to be careful to be more understanding of his schedule and time restraints, while he needs to get a whole lot better at communicating his needs/fears/wants/doubts whatever and managing his time better. I wish I still had a place in TA, but that would mean spending a lot more money than necessary and less money going into my savings. I don't really like living at home, but I do know that it's more practical and it's the best choice for me at the moment. I think that maybe part of the problem in our relationship in the past is that we both made choices that weren't necessarily better for the individual, but better for the relationship - but we seemed to forget that if the individual isn't happy/satisfied, then having a healthy/working relationship is next to impossible.
Last night was weird - in a nice way - but weird none-the-less. I'm still torn as to whether or not I'm glad that we had sex. Though, it wasn't really sex, so much as 2 bodies needing eachother - I'm not really sure how else to explain it. The whole night was just a little overwhelming... I felt like I was in a movie. I mean, one minute we're broken up and the next minute he's at my door and shortly after that in my bedroom. Then, he wanted to kiss me and I was so torn - I wanted so much to just give myself to him completely, but I was so scared (and still am a little scared) that last night was just a fleeting moment of weakness. That he's gonna wake up one morning and be like, 'fuck, that was a huge mistake.'
It also bothers me a little that he knows so much about what I'm thinking and feeling and I know so very little. There is so much that I don't know about the inner workings of his mind and what is really going through his mind - not what he thinks I want to hear. It also bothers me that he was still so unsure about what he was doing even last night as he was sitting on my bed and speaking with me about getting back together... as if there was still a question mark at the end of the thought. Also, what's to stop him from distancing himself slowly and then quitting when things get to be too much for him to handle? There are so many questions and worries still floating around in my head and I want them to go away and just enjoy this moment - just to know that he's willing to try and make it work again. I wanted to cry in his arms again and have him hold me... I just wanted him to tell me that it was all going to be okay, but I was so overwhelmed with emotion that the only thing that managed to come out were 2 tears and a shallow sob.
I'm thrilled, anxious, scared, hopeful and so many other things. Most of all though, I can't believe that I finally got through to him - I guess persistence is a virtue. I can't believe that this is actually happening. I didn't actually think that we'd get together... I mean, I hoped and dreamed and prayed and crossed my fingers, but I was so sure that he was going to go through with this and continue to ignore my efforts and now that he came over last night - I don't know what to think anymore.
I hope that we can pull through this, I hope that we can come out on top - I mean, I know we can, but it's going to be a lot of work on both sides and I just hope that together we can be strong for eachother and understanding enough. I love him, I truly do and I hope that love is strong enough to sew up the loose and tattered strings of my heart.
Last night was weird - in a nice way - but weird none-the-less. I'm still torn as to whether or not I'm glad that we had sex. Though, it wasn't really sex, so much as 2 bodies needing eachother - I'm not really sure how else to explain it. The whole night was just a little overwhelming... I felt like I was in a movie. I mean, one minute we're broken up and the next minute he's at my door and shortly after that in my bedroom. Then, he wanted to kiss me and I was so torn - I wanted so much to just give myself to him completely, but I was so scared (and still am a little scared) that last night was just a fleeting moment of weakness. That he's gonna wake up one morning and be like, 'fuck, that was a huge mistake.'
It also bothers me a little that he knows so much about what I'm thinking and feeling and I know so very little. There is so much that I don't know about the inner workings of his mind and what is really going through his mind - not what he thinks I want to hear. It also bothers me that he was still so unsure about what he was doing even last night as he was sitting on my bed and speaking with me about getting back together... as if there was still a question mark at the end of the thought. Also, what's to stop him from distancing himself slowly and then quitting when things get to be too much for him to handle? There are so many questions and worries still floating around in my head and I want them to go away and just enjoy this moment - just to know that he's willing to try and make it work again. I wanted to cry in his arms again and have him hold me... I just wanted him to tell me that it was all going to be okay, but I was so overwhelmed with emotion that the only thing that managed to come out were 2 tears and a shallow sob.
I'm thrilled, anxious, scared, hopeful and so many other things. Most of all though, I can't believe that I finally got through to him - I guess persistence is a virtue. I can't believe that this is actually happening. I didn't actually think that we'd get together... I mean, I hoped and dreamed and prayed and crossed my fingers, but I was so sure that he was going to go through with this and continue to ignore my efforts and now that he came over last night - I don't know what to think anymore.
I hope that we can pull through this, I hope that we can come out on top - I mean, I know we can, but it's going to be a lot of work on both sides and I just hope that together we can be strong for eachother and understanding enough. I love him, I truly do and I hope that love is strong enough to sew up the loose and tattered strings of my heart.