(no subject)
There are so many thoughts running through my head all the time, it's ridiculous... there are so many things that I need to be doing that I just can't seem to do.
Get an Israeli passport
Get new teudat zehut
Go to Michlala Akademit TA-Yaffo, speak about getting accepted under 'tnai'
Pay off the rest of my ticket to Hawaii
Take Math final
Take Sociology final
Take Mishtar final
Go crazy but try not to fall into the deep end
Nothing is getting easier with time... NOTHING. You think it gets better and it does for a little bit but then you regress and it's worse than it was because it's kinda like your mind tries to make up for lost time.
What am I doing? What is wrong with me? Why can't we work things out? Why won't he call me? Why won't he write me?
I feel numb most of the time, even during sex... I just kinda lay there hoping that I'll open my eyes and Doron will be there instead, but it hasn't happened yet.
I'm beyond feeling sad and trying not to think doesn't really work.
I want to go back in time with what I know now and change things... I want to tell myself from a year ago not to be stupid, not to go over to Dani's apartment.
I want to tell myself to tell Doron that I love him more because even though I'm feeling insecure and unsure at the moment, by the time I am sure and secure, it's too late.
I want to tell myself to agree to move in with Doron when I had the chance, instead of letting him get an apartment with other roommates in Tel Aviv and that Inbar is not the friend that I think she is.
I want to tell myself to not be so hard on Doron all the time, that he's really trying his best, but it's not easy.
I want to tell myself to stay on track in the mechina, not to get distracted (and if that means not spending nearly 2 weeks with Adam when he is in Israel, then so be it).
I want to tell myself to spend more time with Doron and to be more appreciative of the time that he can spend with me.
You know, last year when Doron was doing the mechina, I didn't understand how demanding the mechina could be, I just didn't understand - how much time could one possibly study? Surely one doesn't need the WHOLE weekend to study. Surely one can't possibly study for one whole entire day... that's just not normal. Doron has to organize his time better and take me into consideration because when he procrastinates it means that I spend less time with him. Why do I always make these revelations when it's too late already? This year too... when he told me that he had tests and stuff, I didn't understand why he needed SOOO much time to study or why he had soo much homework. But I understand now.. I understand now that every minute that he spent with me was another minute that he could've spent studying and so when I pressured him into spending entire weekends with me, which he wanted to do anways, I was really just taking him away from his studies. Then let's say that his will power was strong enough to say no, then I would be cranky and complain and be pissy at him for not spending enough time with me. But he devoted as much free time to me as possible without slacking on his school work and on work. He barely saw his friends (let alone his family) and he basically went from school ---> study/me ----> work/me ---->me.
I can't believe that I was so ungrateful all the time... of course he wanted to be with me and spend time with me, that's certainly more fun than doing homework and studying. He sacraficed so much in order to make me happy that it's perfectly clear to me now that of course he was going to run out of energy. Instead of demanding more and more time from him, I should have been giving him more time to himself. I should've been telling him, 'it's okay baby, you take the weekend to study and do whatever it is that you need to do, I"ll go home and spend the weekend with my family or I'll do something with my friends, or I'll also study, but you take care of yourself and don't worry about me'
Then he could've taken a breath of fresh air and actually done something.
His move to Tel Aviv also... I thought it was great, I saw him more, I had a place to sleep in TA when I went out late with friends, he was working and so he had a little more money... I thought it was a big step up from Petah Tikva but it just killed him. Living in Tel Aviv killed him, he couldn't focus on what was important to him, which was his studies, he was too busy trying to work to make the money to pay the rent and scheduling when I could come over to really properly devote himself to school. I put so much unnecessary pressure on him that it was only a matter of time before he was going to crack with all the weight being shoved on top of him. He's a strong man... but not that strong and instead of being a help, and sharing the load with him or trying to make it lighter, I just kept adding more. GREAT! Really, great thinking Aless...
Get an Israeli passport
Get new teudat zehut
Go to Michlala Akademit TA-Yaffo, speak about getting accepted under 'tnai'
Pay off the rest of my ticket to Hawaii
Take Math final
Take Sociology final
Take Mishtar final
Go crazy but try not to fall into the deep end
Nothing is getting easier with time... NOTHING. You think it gets better and it does for a little bit but then you regress and it's worse than it was because it's kinda like your mind tries to make up for lost time.
What am I doing? What is wrong with me? Why can't we work things out? Why won't he call me? Why won't he write me?
I feel numb most of the time, even during sex... I just kinda lay there hoping that I'll open my eyes and Doron will be there instead, but it hasn't happened yet.
I'm beyond feeling sad and trying not to think doesn't really work.
I want to go back in time with what I know now and change things... I want to tell myself from a year ago not to be stupid, not to go over to Dani's apartment.
I want to tell myself to tell Doron that I love him more because even though I'm feeling insecure and unsure at the moment, by the time I am sure and secure, it's too late.
I want to tell myself to agree to move in with Doron when I had the chance, instead of letting him get an apartment with other roommates in Tel Aviv and that Inbar is not the friend that I think she is.
I want to tell myself to not be so hard on Doron all the time, that he's really trying his best, but it's not easy.
I want to tell myself to stay on track in the mechina, not to get distracted (and if that means not spending nearly 2 weeks with Adam when he is in Israel, then so be it).
I want to tell myself to spend more time with Doron and to be more appreciative of the time that he can spend with me.
You know, last year when Doron was doing the mechina, I didn't understand how demanding the mechina could be, I just didn't understand - how much time could one possibly study? Surely one doesn't need the WHOLE weekend to study. Surely one can't possibly study for one whole entire day... that's just not normal. Doron has to organize his time better and take me into consideration because when he procrastinates it means that I spend less time with him. Why do I always make these revelations when it's too late already? This year too... when he told me that he had tests and stuff, I didn't understand why he needed SOOO much time to study or why he had soo much homework. But I understand now.. I understand now that every minute that he spent with me was another minute that he could've spent studying and so when I pressured him into spending entire weekends with me, which he wanted to do anways, I was really just taking him away from his studies. Then let's say that his will power was strong enough to say no, then I would be cranky and complain and be pissy at him for not spending enough time with me. But he devoted as much free time to me as possible without slacking on his school work and on work. He barely saw his friends (let alone his family) and he basically went from school ---> study/me ----> work/me ---->me.
I can't believe that I was so ungrateful all the time... of course he wanted to be with me and spend time with me, that's certainly more fun than doing homework and studying. He sacraficed so much in order to make me happy that it's perfectly clear to me now that of course he was going to run out of energy. Instead of demanding more and more time from him, I should have been giving him more time to himself. I should've been telling him, 'it's okay baby, you take the weekend to study and do whatever it is that you need to do, I"ll go home and spend the weekend with my family or I'll do something with my friends, or I'll also study, but you take care of yourself and don't worry about me'
Then he could've taken a breath of fresh air and actually done something.
His move to Tel Aviv also... I thought it was great, I saw him more, I had a place to sleep in TA when I went out late with friends, he was working and so he had a little more money... I thought it was a big step up from Petah Tikva but it just killed him. Living in Tel Aviv killed him, he couldn't focus on what was important to him, which was his studies, he was too busy trying to work to make the money to pay the rent and scheduling when I could come over to really properly devote himself to school. I put so much unnecessary pressure on him that it was only a matter of time before he was going to crack with all the weight being shoved on top of him. He's a strong man... but not that strong and instead of being a help, and sharing the load with him or trying to make it lighter, I just kept adding more. GREAT! Really, great thinking Aless...