Cliche and pathetic, I know - but I can't help it
I just want to scream out, "I love you" so loud that he can't help but hear and then I want to continue screaming it until it sinks into his thick stubborn skull that he is the only person in the world that I want to be with... now and forever.
I spoke with him today and asked him if we could meet up before I left but his last final is on Sunday so he said that he couldn't and instead of arguing with him, I said, 'okay' and silently swallowed all the objections that I had. I silently swallowed everything that I wanted to tell him because I know that he wouldn't be able to handle it right now - I knew that it wouldn't be fair to him to tell him all these things right now, but I still want to. I want him to hold me and tell me it will all be alright again - that he still loves me - that these tears are for nothing because it will all be alright again soon enough. I wanted so badly to spend one more night with him - one more night in his arms. I would've even settled for not saying anything to eachother... I would've whispered I love you into his ear so many times that he would've gone deaf and then we would've laid in bed together saying nothing. I would've settled for even less than that. I would've settled for just one more night of making love to him and having him make love to me because that's what it was - it wasn't sex - it was something else. It was deeper - it came from feelings that aren't often felt in the real world, only in this special world that lovers can feel. I don't want to cry anymore - I don't want to feel anymore because when i DO step out of my shell for just a moment and think about being happy, think about being happy WITH somebody, there is just this sharp pang reminding me that where there was once a heart is now just this empty broken place inside my chest. Yes, a little melodramatic, I know, but I really do feel this way.
Over the course of this last week, I've been writing this thing in my cell phone - its a little silly, but I wanted to give it to him - maybe I still will. Who knows...
I love you... I know that you're not perfect and I wouldn't want you to be. I love your third nipple and crooked teeth... I love how you can always make me see things for what they are and I love that I can never really fool you, that you can always see past all my little idiosyncrasies and you love me anyways. I want to be the oneto grow with you and hold your hand through the good times and the bad. I want to see how time changes the wrinkles in your face and creates new ones. I don't ever want to know what it will be like to not be your loved one and revel in your embrace. I don't ever want you to doubt my deep love and affection for you. I want you in my present and my future. I want you to be the first person I see when I wake up in the morning and the last person that I see when I go to bed at night. I want to fall asleep to the beating of your heart. I want to build a life together with you, I never want to leave your side. I want to be your shoulder to lean on and in return I want your chest to rest my head on when the world is just too much. I don't want there to be any secrets between us. I want to love you until there is no breath left in me and I want to die knowing that you feel the same. I want you - all of you and I will give you all of me - my heart already belongs to you.