Writing a book titled: How to screw everything up in your life
I'm really missing Doron. I'm trying so many different things to fill this hole in my life... but none of them are really helping. I started going out with Gal, but being with Gal actually makes me miss Doron more because there are so many things that I used to do to Doron that Gal doesn't know or like. I miss the little reactions whenever i would run my hand over Doron's head. I miss how happy I was when I was with him. I miss the little noises he makes. I miss sleeping with him. I miss resting my head on his chest and trying really hard not to rest the whole weight of my head on his arm in case it would cut off circulation. I miss not only being hugged by him, but also hugging him. I miss squeezing him. I miss the love that I could feel emanating from him when he looked at me.
It's been 2 months god dammit... and I'm trying. I'm really trying so hard. I'm moving on, I'm dating, but they're all just placebos. I even saw Dani again, thinking that maybe being with him would be enough of a distraction. But, that didn't even work. Being with Dani now that Doron and I aren't together, just made me miss Doron more. Does that make any sense? Dani and I are similar in many ways and he's nice to talk to and hang out with because he's funny and intelligent, but he's not Doron and I want Doron. I don't want anybody else. All these other guys that I'm seeing are nice in their own way, they all have something special going for them and it's nice to be wanted, but I want the one man that I want to want me, and it's not happening.
Today I had a sociology final and I thought for some reason that the 17th was Wednesday. I don't know why, but I did. So, I missed my Sociology final. I'm already taking moed bet in Math, but now I have to take it in Sociology too - this whole thing is terrible.
On Saturday I see Doron's parents on the Tayelet - it was horrible. Absolutely terrible. I was doing better and then somebody had to go and pull out the rug from under my feet again - WHY??? Why won't the world let me forget Doron? Why is the entire world set on making sure that I will be reminded of Doron wherever I go. Gal has the same birthday as Doron (1 year younger, but still), smokes the same cigarettes (though they seem to be the new most popular cigarettes in Israel. Whenever I see Dani or Gal or whoever, every experience or funny story that I have is somehow connected to Doron.
I am depressed and I miss Doron soooo much. Things aren't getting easier... they're getting harder.
I've been smoking too much, I need to cut down.
I need to pull myself together for these next two weeks and I can't seem to do it. I can't seem to get my act together.
What am I supposed to do now? Where can I hide? I want out of this, of everything. That's it... that's all I want is out.
Out, away, far, unconscious, disconnected, surreal, alone.