Scattered Picture Thoughts
Of all the things that have happened to me, there have been some that I am glad have faded from memory and others I wish hadn't. I was looking through my pictures this morning and I came across some pics of Eric. I used to know his face so well. I still do. But he looked utterly foreign to me in those pictures. It makes me sad. Because it seems like all of the people whom when it comes down to it I really care about, just leave me left in the dust. I've noticed Ben pulling away. Julian is all but of the picture (not that I'm complaining.....I don't want to be part of him and Tiff), Dan C is always off with his girlfriend and only really calls me when she is out of town, etc. I know that if I needed them they'd be there for me.
When Ben told me the other week that people didn't want to be around me because I seemed clingy, it kinda opened my eyes. I know I can be clingy at times. But I feel less clingy as of late than I did 3 months ago. Ben also told me it seemed as though I have low self-esteem. I think thats completely out of line, but I'm not a good judge at how I come across to people. I don't feel as though I have low self-esteem. I have a positive self image of who I am. But it does feel like no one wants to be around me, and Ben is probably right in why people don't want to be around me. Maybe I just want to be around the wrong people. I need to get out and go to Picnic Day.
But back to the sad issue. I in looking through all those old pictures, I also found one of me and Ben from right before we started dating. We just looked happy to be hanging out. I miss seeing him look like that around me. And when I think about it, its only really the people, particularly guys, who look like that around me when they don't know me all that well. I remember Eric having that look the day after we first started going out and we were looking at us together in the mirror of my bathroom. Julian had that look the night he and I first hung out on our own. Matt (of M3) had that look too out in the jacuzzi the night I met him and at the frat party. I just wish someone someday will have that interested look for more than just a short while. I would like to find someone whose interest will last. I'm sure I'll find that person, but I don't think I am ready to find them just yet. I feel like I'm still trying to get over Ben. I know I rebounded from him with Julian, so I thought I'd be over Ben. I miss him, just as I miss Eric. But I see Ben at least twice a week and I never see Eric (except occasionally out my window.) I guess I just don't want to lose some of the happiest times in my life. Who does?
When Ben told me the other week that people didn't want to be around me because I seemed clingy, it kinda opened my eyes. I know I can be clingy at times. But I feel less clingy as of late than I did 3 months ago. Ben also told me it seemed as though I have low self-esteem. I think thats completely out of line, but I'm not a good judge at how I come across to people. I don't feel as though I have low self-esteem. I have a positive self image of who I am. But it does feel like no one wants to be around me, and Ben is probably right in why people don't want to be around me. Maybe I just want to be around the wrong people. I need to get out and go to Picnic Day.
But back to the sad issue. I in looking through all those old pictures, I also found one of me and Ben from right before we started dating. We just looked happy to be hanging out. I miss seeing him look like that around me. And when I think about it, its only really the people, particularly guys, who look like that around me when they don't know me all that well. I remember Eric having that look the day after we first started going out and we were looking at us together in the mirror of my bathroom. Julian had that look the night he and I first hung out on our own. Matt (of M3) had that look too out in the jacuzzi the night I met him and at the frat party. I just wish someone someday will have that interested look for more than just a short while. I would like to find someone whose interest will last. I'm sure I'll find that person, but I don't think I am ready to find them just yet. I feel like I'm still trying to get over Ben. I know I rebounded from him with Julian, so I thought I'd be over Ben. I miss him, just as I miss Eric. But I see Ben at least twice a week and I never see Eric (except occasionally out my window.) I guess I just don't want to lose some of the happiest times in my life. Who does?