This was a previously unposted post, but a post nonetheless?
I'm amidst a handful of people enduring some of the worst emotional pain they will ever endure in their life and I'm pissed my AC isn't working.
Actually I'm pissed for lots of other reasons, I'm just choosing to funnel it all into the lack of Air Conditioning, and as it's been over 8 weeks since I placed the claim, I've had plenty of things to funnel into it.
My counselor told me this: God doesn't make bad things happen. He disciplines me, yes, but he doesn't jones to make my life miserable and abuse me. Rather, circumstances come and go, and some- a lot- of them may be trying, weathering circumstances, but what makes them seem so unlivable isn't God trying to push me beyond my limit. Satan hates me. He is hate. He is the exact opposite of love and truth. So, he will use any circumstance that he can to feed me the lies I let myself believe- to bring up emotional pain from my past and present, and nudge my mind to consider it for future pain too. He wants me to writhe and struggle under the weight of my own affliction so that I feel like I can't do it anymore, and that's where he wins. When I hang out like a sick catfish at the bottom under a rock and let my pain grow like canker sores in my stomach. When I cease to look to God, and especially when I blame God for my pain and hate Him for what He so desperately wants me to work through so I can come out even stronger. It's a sad battle- God wants me to be more than a cowardly, simpering girl who never has had any troubles, always has more than enough of everything, and thus has no compassion or empathy for the broken world around me. He wants me to grow and strengthen and be someone who can minister to young women about the dangers of letting your worth be stamped by other people's approval. He wants me to have experience from the battle under my belt, but no soldier goes to war and becomes a tremendous fighter without some wounds. God can't put me through life without risking that Satan can get his hands on me- on my mind. It is my choice as to whether I listen to the lies or the truth, though. It's just SO HARD when you're on the battlefield to hear the truth- when everything around you is twisting you up like a stringy rag and it's just so easy to believe that's just what you are. Worthless, rung for all you have left and then not even worth washing and sticking in the drawer. It's so easy to look at what's right there. The circumstances. The overlying facts about what is going on and get my truth from that.
My counselor leaves out the extended metaphors- that's my ridiculous need for my journal to read like I'm a writer or something. Plus, I air on the dramatic side.
But I need to find a short, concise, simple way to sum this up in one sentence. I need a mantra. Because the Lord does know what burdens I bear right now, and compared to other tragedies, I feel silly being upset, but they are my tragedies and I can't just not be upset because someone else has it worse.
My heart breaks for so many people right now, too. I want so badly to see them heal, but I can't force that on anyone. I want to see them work through things and find restoration because I have found it before, but again, I can't force that and I can't make it happen.
Actually I'm pissed for lots of other reasons, I'm just choosing to funnel it all into the lack of Air Conditioning, and as it's been over 8 weeks since I placed the claim, I've had plenty of things to funnel into it.
My counselor told me this: God doesn't make bad things happen. He disciplines me, yes, but he doesn't jones to make my life miserable and abuse me. Rather, circumstances come and go, and some- a lot- of them may be trying, weathering circumstances, but what makes them seem so unlivable isn't God trying to push me beyond my limit. Satan hates me. He is hate. He is the exact opposite of love and truth. So, he will use any circumstance that he can to feed me the lies I let myself believe- to bring up emotional pain from my past and present, and nudge my mind to consider it for future pain too. He wants me to writhe and struggle under the weight of my own affliction so that I feel like I can't do it anymore, and that's where he wins. When I hang out like a sick catfish at the bottom under a rock and let my pain grow like canker sores in my stomach. When I cease to look to God, and especially when I blame God for my pain and hate Him for what He so desperately wants me to work through so I can come out even stronger. It's a sad battle- God wants me to be more than a cowardly, simpering girl who never has had any troubles, always has more than enough of everything, and thus has no compassion or empathy for the broken world around me. He wants me to grow and strengthen and be someone who can minister to young women about the dangers of letting your worth be stamped by other people's approval. He wants me to have experience from the battle under my belt, but no soldier goes to war and becomes a tremendous fighter without some wounds. God can't put me through life without risking that Satan can get his hands on me- on my mind. It is my choice as to whether I listen to the lies or the truth, though. It's just SO HARD when you're on the battlefield to hear the truth- when everything around you is twisting you up like a stringy rag and it's just so easy to believe that's just what you are. Worthless, rung for all you have left and then not even worth washing and sticking in the drawer. It's so easy to look at what's right there. The circumstances. The overlying facts about what is going on and get my truth from that.
My counselor leaves out the extended metaphors- that's my ridiculous need for my journal to read like I'm a writer or something. Plus, I air on the dramatic side.
But I need to find a short, concise, simple way to sum this up in one sentence. I need a mantra. Because the Lord does know what burdens I bear right now, and compared to other tragedies, I feel silly being upset, but they are my tragedies and I can't just not be upset because someone else has it worse.
My heart breaks for so many people right now, too. I want so badly to see them heal, but I can't force that on anyone. I want to see them work through things and find restoration because I have found it before, but again, I can't force that and I can't make it happen.