I will not be pursued...
This is an addition to the "I Will Not Date You" list found here-> hajita.livejournal.com/143132.html
First, a preface. Gunnard and I broke up almost 4 months ago. We broke up in Haiti on a mission trip because he realized he had lost interest in me 2 months into our 5 month relationship, then blamed me for getting hurt. It's a big ugly thing that I'm getting past little by little- still scared to death to encounter him, which makes thriving in the singles community difficult at our shared church (missed a corn maze AGAIN because of this, but I digress) and I'm healing. Part of this healing process is a cue taken from my pastor, Andy, to take a year off from dating. I know, I didn't date for 4+ years after accepting Christ, and that's all well and good, but it was a decision made for me by lack of real interest. Having tried out the whole relationship thing and finding I never actually got over some of the untruths and self-defeating thoughts that I guess I thought would just go away with age and maturity, I realized I need to take a more active stance. So, Beginning August 24th, 2010 I pledged to give a year of my life to figuring all that out. Devoting this year to the Lord has given me more insight in the past 2 months than I got in the 4 years of "research" and not dating that was put upon me. Not to mention, being sort of pursued well and sort of not by the kind of guy I have always considered myself to be "into" gave me a ton of perspective on how I respond to attention and some guardrails I should perhaps throw up when I re-enter the dating pool. So here are a few things I have realized for myself that are huge red flags whenever I start dating again.
-Do not even mention the "L" word, the "M" word, or the "F" word (love marriage future, you sick puppies) to me until you know my family, my baggage, are endeared to my cats, and have been through a good, intense, stressful season with me.
-If you are pursuing me via facebook, text message, email, or any other form of technology, I am putting you in the "friend" category. I'm also going to keep things surface-y and light.
-If you would like to get to know me, first make an effort to see me face to face. Then, ask me questions. Spend time on my turf. Reading my "bio" does not mean you "know me".
-I will not be pursued sexually. Telling me how badly you want to make out with me does not endear me to your heart or intelligent mind.
-However, I am highly attracted to an intelligent mind and a compassionate heart. Talk to me about a book. Better yet, loan me one you like.
-I have no allegiance to any team, but I enjoy sports- mostly if they are live. Yes, I do understand how most sports are played. Don't belittle me.
-I do not eat meat. I do not care that you do. Let's keep it at that. The more you try to convince me I should eat meat, the more I writhe uncomfortably in my chair and busy myself with whatever is happening at the next table. You do not want me on that soapbox. You will lose. (Both the argument and me, but at that point, you wouldn't want me anyways.) Light fun is okay.
-I'm going to repeat this from the previous post, because it's that important to me. If you are being emotionally fed by any of your mulitple good female friends, I will not be pursued by you. Not only because I don't feel like I need to fight a "best friend" for your attention, especially since very few guys have the awareness that they need to step in and make a decision, but also because it takes all the fun out of dating when you are dating someone else. I don't care how platonic and sister-like she is to you: do you spend time alone? do you eat meals together? do you tell her about your heart and what's going on in your life and mind? does the thought of hanging out with her satisfy your need for company? Then you are dating her. At least, somewhere in her heart, she thinks so. This could be a whole long post of its own, cause guys can be so clueless as to how badly they lead on women "as friends". A hint to men: When you bump girl after girl into the friend zone, you are building yourself a reputation amongst the women in your community as "be careful and don't fall for him- he does that with everyone". You may just be a super sweet guy, but just know you will have to work that much harder if/when you do decide to fully pursue a woman's heart, mainly just to let her know she's not just like all the rest. Then, you'll have a circle of protective "friends" who will hopefully know whether or not to back off, but will most likely try to prove ownership first. It's an exhausting thing to shove your way into a man's life who is surrounded by amazing women who just care about him so much. No self-respecting woman should have to shove. He should clear the way for her. Just sayin.
-Guys, don't say a woman is worth something that you know you cannot uphold. For instance, "you're worth fresh flowers all the time. I like to give flowers for no reason, because you're worth it." The day will come when you don't wanna buy her flowers anymore. By your standards, unless you have replaced this with something more awesome than fresh flowers, she is no longer worth them, and will have an empty vase as a constant reminder of this.
This seems angry and bitter, but it's not a venting rampage. Ok, a couple instances maybe. But I am really figuring out that there are some things I can't do, like have a technology based relationship. I am way more vulnerable via technology than face to face. If I am looking at a hot guy, I'm not gonna say some things that I can easily type, smirk, and hit send. They have to earn it way more. So, again, for me I need to put that guard rail up. And I'm not dating fro 10 more months anyways, so this is mostly just blog-babble to read back over a year from now and either say "Amen" or "what was I thinking?".
For the year dating fast, I'm still trying to figure out what it all means. Why entirely I am doing it. Right now, healing from a broken heart is enough reason. The easiest band-aid is a new dating relationship, but there's still a gaping wound underneath that will eventually need some air. I feel I healed much better after Jesse BECAUSE I didn't jump into something else. Plus, some of my worst dating mistakes have been rebounds. So, that's reason enough for now. I am sure God has some world-rocking stuff in store for me, but right now I am enjoying getting to know new people and trying to find a community to plug myself into of singles and get some perspective on who He created me to be.
I won't say it's easy. I'm already smitten with someone. Thankfully, he's not pursuing and there is a group of folks surrounding both of us so there is no chance of that, but I won't say he doesn't enter my thoughts on a more than occasional basis. But what's a journey without a few hurdles along the way?
I'd like to say I'll keep you all updated, but I'm pretty bad at it these days so I make no promises. Perhaps one day I'll update this thing regulraly enough that it won't be quite so disjointed? One can hope?
First, a preface. Gunnard and I broke up almost 4 months ago. We broke up in Haiti on a mission trip because he realized he had lost interest in me 2 months into our 5 month relationship, then blamed me for getting hurt. It's a big ugly thing that I'm getting past little by little- still scared to death to encounter him, which makes thriving in the singles community difficult at our shared church (missed a corn maze AGAIN because of this, but I digress) and I'm healing. Part of this healing process is a cue taken from my pastor, Andy, to take a year off from dating. I know, I didn't date for 4+ years after accepting Christ, and that's all well and good, but it was a decision made for me by lack of real interest. Having tried out the whole relationship thing and finding I never actually got over some of the untruths and self-defeating thoughts that I guess I thought would just go away with age and maturity, I realized I need to take a more active stance. So, Beginning August 24th, 2010 I pledged to give a year of my life to figuring all that out. Devoting this year to the Lord has given me more insight in the past 2 months than I got in the 4 years of "research" and not dating that was put upon me. Not to mention, being sort of pursued well and sort of not by the kind of guy I have always considered myself to be "into" gave me a ton of perspective on how I respond to attention and some guardrails I should perhaps throw up when I re-enter the dating pool. So here are a few things I have realized for myself that are huge red flags whenever I start dating again.
-Do not even mention the "L" word, the "M" word, or the "F" word (love marriage future, you sick puppies) to me until you know my family, my baggage, are endeared to my cats, and have been through a good, intense, stressful season with me.
-If you are pursuing me via facebook, text message, email, or any other form of technology, I am putting you in the "friend" category. I'm also going to keep things surface-y and light.
-If you would like to get to know me, first make an effort to see me face to face. Then, ask me questions. Spend time on my turf. Reading my "bio" does not mean you "know me".
-I will not be pursued sexually. Telling me how badly you want to make out with me does not endear me to your heart or intelligent mind.
-However, I am highly attracted to an intelligent mind and a compassionate heart. Talk to me about a book. Better yet, loan me one you like.
-I have no allegiance to any team, but I enjoy sports- mostly if they are live. Yes, I do understand how most sports are played. Don't belittle me.
-I do not eat meat. I do not care that you do. Let's keep it at that. The more you try to convince me I should eat meat, the more I writhe uncomfortably in my chair and busy myself with whatever is happening at the next table. You do not want me on that soapbox. You will lose. (Both the argument and me, but at that point, you wouldn't want me anyways.) Light fun is okay.
-I'm going to repeat this from the previous post, because it's that important to me. If you are being emotionally fed by any of your mulitple good female friends, I will not be pursued by you. Not only because I don't feel like I need to fight a "best friend" for your attention, especially since very few guys have the awareness that they need to step in and make a decision, but also because it takes all the fun out of dating when you are dating someone else. I don't care how platonic and sister-like she is to you: do you spend time alone? do you eat meals together? do you tell her about your heart and what's going on in your life and mind? does the thought of hanging out with her satisfy your need for company? Then you are dating her. At least, somewhere in her heart, she thinks so. This could be a whole long post of its own, cause guys can be so clueless as to how badly they lead on women "as friends". A hint to men: When you bump girl after girl into the friend zone, you are building yourself a reputation amongst the women in your community as "be careful and don't fall for him- he does that with everyone". You may just be a super sweet guy, but just know you will have to work that much harder if/when you do decide to fully pursue a woman's heart, mainly just to let her know she's not just like all the rest. Then, you'll have a circle of protective "friends" who will hopefully know whether or not to back off, but will most likely try to prove ownership first. It's an exhausting thing to shove your way into a man's life who is surrounded by amazing women who just care about him so much. No self-respecting woman should have to shove. He should clear the way for her. Just sayin.
-Guys, don't say a woman is worth something that you know you cannot uphold. For instance, "you're worth fresh flowers all the time. I like to give flowers for no reason, because you're worth it." The day will come when you don't wanna buy her flowers anymore. By your standards, unless you have replaced this with something more awesome than fresh flowers, she is no longer worth them, and will have an empty vase as a constant reminder of this.
This seems angry and bitter, but it's not a venting rampage. Ok, a couple instances maybe. But I am really figuring out that there are some things I can't do, like have a technology based relationship. I am way more vulnerable via technology than face to face. If I am looking at a hot guy, I'm not gonna say some things that I can easily type, smirk, and hit send. They have to earn it way more. So, again, for me I need to put that guard rail up. And I'm not dating fro 10 more months anyways, so this is mostly just blog-babble to read back over a year from now and either say "Amen" or "what was I thinking?".
For the year dating fast, I'm still trying to figure out what it all means. Why entirely I am doing it. Right now, healing from a broken heart is enough reason. The easiest band-aid is a new dating relationship, but there's still a gaping wound underneath that will eventually need some air. I feel I healed much better after Jesse BECAUSE I didn't jump into something else. Plus, some of my worst dating mistakes have been rebounds. So, that's reason enough for now. I am sure God has some world-rocking stuff in store for me, but right now I am enjoying getting to know new people and trying to find a community to plug myself into of singles and get some perspective on who He created me to be.
I won't say it's easy. I'm already smitten with someone. Thankfully, he's not pursuing and there is a group of folks surrounding both of us so there is no chance of that, but I won't say he doesn't enter my thoughts on a more than occasional basis. But what's a journey without a few hurdles along the way?
I'd like to say I'll keep you all updated, but I'm pretty bad at it these days so I make no promises. Perhaps one day I'll update this thing regulraly enough that it won't be quite so disjointed? One can hope?