relationships
It's a bizarre place to be in surrounded by relationships that span from highly successful to perfectly failing. I have multiple people close to me that are either just married or about to be married, then I have friends who have just finalized divorce, and then people in my life who are struggling with huge problems but working hard to work through them. It takes a lot of guts to stand in a relationship and say "I messed up" or "I'm not being the best I can be for you" or even "It's hard for me to choose to love you right now, but it is my choice". But those are the statements that I hear about in relationships that are lasting. If you can never stand before your loved ones and the Lord and confess your shortcomings, your sins, and your failures, how can you ever expect to repair and find the forgiveness you need and that is offered freely?
I feel like I've been "researching" relationships for a while now. For years. Having not had the best relationship modeled for me in my parents' marriage, I've had to take on the task as an adult to figure out what works. I'm here to tell you, there is no amount of research, watching, being privy to working relationships and not working relationships, asking questions, reading books, watching sermons, or counseling that will prepare you for actually being in one. It's been years since I've had these insecurities, fears, and struggles with my self-esteem, which only makes them that much harder to handle. I still become the 13 year old girl who has a hard time remembering her Dad say he loves her when she hasn't seen him sober for a week. I still see 30 years of my mom's pain in my own heart of being tolerated and not actively loved. I still expect that I'm only ever going to be a phase for someone, and as soon as it isn't easy to love me anymore, he, like everyone else, will become bored and either leave me, or like my dad, stay with me out of obligation. Thus begins the crazy.
I have two patterns. When I feel lack of affection from a man, I either throw myself at him to try to "win him back" or I throw myself as far in the opposite direction as I can to "protect myself" (which anyone who knows me will know there is nothing protective in that) so I can't get hurt again. Wow, I really thought I was over and out of these patterns. I've just decided to lock this entry, as I don't want this to be the way Gunnard finds out how incredibly sad I am right now, so here's some specific stuff I need out of my head and in front of my so I can try to detach the emotion enough to think clearly about it.
I've been trying to communicate with him for days now, and the most I get back is surface conversation, if that. This is in contrast to our former "good morning" to "good night" constant communication that he even remarked on how it was such a wonderful catalyst for our relationship.
Now, I go more than half a day without even speaking to him and he doesn't seem to think that's abnormal at all.
Then, there's curfew. We've gotten so much better at curfew, but not because we're getting so good at it. It feels like he can't wait to leave at 10:00, sometimes even earlier. We haven't made out in 2 weeks. I don't even feel like he wants to- if I get even remotely passionate about kissing him, he goofs off, which I know I used to use as a defense mechanism with someone I wasn't that attracted to but didn't want to hurt his feelings. Again, this is in contrast to having to breathe through moments of just looking at my legs so that he could contain himself. I'm not saying we should continue to get to the brink of lust and then have to pull back, but knowing he wants to is something I need to be reminded of occasionally.
I used to love, look forward to, and cherish our late night text-conversations. That was when he said the especially hard and loving things to say. Sometimes, I would get excited to leave because I knew that whatever was in his eyes he would be able to say to me via text when I got home. He used to tell me that what he couldn't say to me, he spoke with his eyes. Sometimes I don't even feel like his eyes are looking at me anymore, and he certainly has stopped all intimate communication via anything.
Now, going back to the love languages, It could very well be that his love language is quality time and the sudden drop off of all other languages is just cause he's focusing on that one, but even that seems to have waned. He couldn't wait to see me, even for a little bit, before. Now, it feels like he could care less whether he sees me or not. On busy days, which is every day these days, if I don't make very specific plans and outright say to him "Am I going to see you", I won't. I really just don't understand what is going on.
So, in lieu of all this, what else am I to think except that he's just not into me anymore?
Whoever said dating is fun, lied.
Update: I unlocked this, as it doesn't matter if he sees it now. Besides, I doubt he'd even think to look for it.
I feel like I've been "researching" relationships for a while now. For years. Having not had the best relationship modeled for me in my parents' marriage, I've had to take on the task as an adult to figure out what works. I'm here to tell you, there is no amount of research, watching, being privy to working relationships and not working relationships, asking questions, reading books, watching sermons, or counseling that will prepare you for actually being in one. It's been years since I've had these insecurities, fears, and struggles with my self-esteem, which only makes them that much harder to handle. I still become the 13 year old girl who has a hard time remembering her Dad say he loves her when she hasn't seen him sober for a week. I still see 30 years of my mom's pain in my own heart of being tolerated and not actively loved. I still expect that I'm only ever going to be a phase for someone, and as soon as it isn't easy to love me anymore, he, like everyone else, will become bored and either leave me, or like my dad, stay with me out of obligation. Thus begins the crazy.
I have two patterns. When I feel lack of affection from a man, I either throw myself at him to try to "win him back" or I throw myself as far in the opposite direction as I can to "protect myself" (which anyone who knows me will know there is nothing protective in that) so I can't get hurt again. Wow, I really thought I was over and out of these patterns. I've just decided to lock this entry, as I don't want this to be the way Gunnard finds out how incredibly sad I am right now, so here's some specific stuff I need out of my head and in front of my so I can try to detach the emotion enough to think clearly about it.
I've been trying to communicate with him for days now, and the most I get back is surface conversation, if that. This is in contrast to our former "good morning" to "good night" constant communication that he even remarked on how it was such a wonderful catalyst for our relationship.
Now, I go more than half a day without even speaking to him and he doesn't seem to think that's abnormal at all.
Then, there's curfew. We've gotten so much better at curfew, but not because we're getting so good at it. It feels like he can't wait to leave at 10:00, sometimes even earlier. We haven't made out in 2 weeks. I don't even feel like he wants to- if I get even remotely passionate about kissing him, he goofs off, which I know I used to use as a defense mechanism with someone I wasn't that attracted to but didn't want to hurt his feelings. Again, this is in contrast to having to breathe through moments of just looking at my legs so that he could contain himself. I'm not saying we should continue to get to the brink of lust and then have to pull back, but knowing he wants to is something I need to be reminded of occasionally.
I used to love, look forward to, and cherish our late night text-conversations. That was when he said the especially hard and loving things to say. Sometimes, I would get excited to leave because I knew that whatever was in his eyes he would be able to say to me via text when I got home. He used to tell me that what he couldn't say to me, he spoke with his eyes. Sometimes I don't even feel like his eyes are looking at me anymore, and he certainly has stopped all intimate communication via anything.
Now, going back to the love languages, It could very well be that his love language is quality time and the sudden drop off of all other languages is just cause he's focusing on that one, but even that seems to have waned. He couldn't wait to see me, even for a little bit, before. Now, it feels like he could care less whether he sees me or not. On busy days, which is every day these days, if I don't make very specific plans and outright say to him "Am I going to see you", I won't. I really just don't understand what is going on.
So, in lieu of all this, what else am I to think except that he's just not into me anymore?
Whoever said dating is fun, lied.
Update: I unlocked this, as it doesn't matter if he sees it now. Besides, I doubt he'd even think to look for it.