Never Letting Go 21
Hyukjae dreamt of Donghae. In her dream, he promised her they would talk soon. A solitary tear fell from the corner of her still closed eyes.
His words felt too real… His presence felt too real, but it was all a dream. It was a fleeting dream that would never take her away from reality no matter how much she wants it too.
She wiped her cheek dry and got up. She was surprised to realize that she was on the couch; she didn’t remember falling asleep there.
‘We’ll talk soon... I love you…’
Chills went up her spine. Could it be…?
Impossible.
She didn’t like the feeling of dismissing her own thougts, but it was better than entertaining some kind of delusion that her mind has apparently conjured. She already stopped believing in magic and fairytales.
“I see the princess is awake,” There was a twinkle in her father’s eyes as his cheerful voice reached her.
“Morning Dad… How are you feeling?” She smiled at him.
“Feeling as strong as a horse now, sweetie. I’d say I’m ninety-nine percent recovered already; you don’t have to worry.” He said.
“But where’s the remaining one percent?” She raised her brow at her father’s answer.
“At home… I’ll get it back when we go home. Hopefully soon.”
“Aish… My king of a father is acting like a spoiled little prince,” Hyukjae said lightly. “Don’t worry dad, they said they’ll be doing the tests today so in a day or two you’ll be probably released.”
“Hope so… By the way, how was your sleep?” His father’s tone was too casual that it bothered her.
“It was pretty good, but I don’t remember sleeping here. Did you lift me, Appa?” She frowned.
“Sweetheart, much as I want to, I can’t. Not with this,” He raised his hand with the IV.
“Then how?” She mumbled.
“I heard you last night. You were talking… ‘So tired… Need couch.’ “ Her father chuckled in amusement.
“I don’t sleep talk and sleep walk Appa!” She pouted.
“Or maybe your guardian angel brought you there because he thought that his ward was being too stubborn, insisting that she sleeps on my bedside even though it hurts her back,” A meaningful gaze landed on Hyukjae’s face. “But don’t ask me how your guardian looks like… I didn’t see. I was already asleep.” He added.
“Maybe I walked when I was asleep…” Hyukjae said quietly. It’s more plausible than thinking someone else was in the room with them… because she’d once again be hoping and wishing that it was Donghae.
And it will only put her sanity on the line.
-----
Kyuhyun’s expression hardened as he spotted a figure he only knows too well: Donghae. He would like to think it a coincidence, but by the looks of it, it’s not. It was their father’s last day on the hospital and he’s not going to let his sister catch a glimpse of the man. His sister’s been hurt enough.
He gave a hard stare at the other and Donghae returned it without batting an eyelash. If only he happened to meet Donghae in any other place, he would have gladly landed a punch on the other’s face.
He didn’t know how long they’ve been staring each other down. His attention was only taken away from the stare-down when the door of the room swung open.
“Kyuhyunnie? What are you doing there?” His wife asked.
“Nothing Sungminnie… I just saw someone I know.” Kyuhyun’s eyes darted toward the spot where he saw Donghae but the other was no longer there. Sungmin followed her husband’s gaze.
“Hmmmn… Is it a woman?” Her tone hinted jealousy.
“I have only three women and one little girl in my life,” Kyuhyun said. It was easier to change the topic than tell her that he saw Donghae. His wife often told him that she thinks there must be a deep reason why Donghae did what he did; she believes he deserves a chance to redeem himself.
But for Kyuhyun, there’s no chance for redemption, not after all the terrible things and struggles that his sister went through. She deserves someone better.
“Well then, come on in.” Sungmin held her hand out and pulled Kyuhyun inside the room.
---
Donghae pressed his back against the wall, in a corridor a few meters away from where he previously stood. He should have been more careful. He saw the contempt written in Kyuhyun’s eyes, and he knew that all of it is directed at him. In those eyes he saw a glaring warning that he should not even dare to show himself to Hyukjae if he knows what’s good for him.
He understands where Kyuhyun’s coming from, but he knew it should not stop him from chasing after Hyukjae. The words of her father were enough to boost his confidence, his love for Hyukjae more than enough for him to face anything.
---
“You heard that Dad? No more fatty food from now on.” Hyukjae repeated what the doctor advised.
“Aigoo, Umma… I think our house will be an extension of the hospital with our daughter around,” Her father turned to his wife.
“So you better follow. You wouldn’t want to upset our nurse.” Her Umma squeezed her father’s hand.
“Bill’s settled, and the cars are ready.” Kyuhyun announced as he closed the door behind him.
“Kyuhyun, did you bring my car?” Hyukjae particularly asked her brother to bring her car because she wants to go somewhere.
“I did, but I think it’s better if I drive you over…”
“I can drive… It’s better if you go home with them.” Hyukjae insisted.
“Hyukkie, it’s not safe for you to be roaming around by yourself.”
“Your brother’s right Hyukkie… You need someone to go with you…” Her mother backed up Kyuhyun.
“But I’ll be quick; I won’t stay out for too long.”
“Seoul is different from how it was when you left Hyukkie, it’s not the same. Maybe next time I’ll let you go by yourself, just not today okay?” Kyuhyun said with finality.
“Just agree Hyukkie… You know how paranoid your brother is…” Sungmin chuckled. “I’ll take care of Appa and Umma.” She added.
“Aish… All of you ganging up against me…what do I expect? Fine, I lose.” Hyukjae sighed dramatically. Everybody laughed except for her brother but she didn’t notice that.
The smile on her lips faded as she stepped out of the room, as the familiar feeling of being watched washed over her. Weird as it might seem, it wasn’t freaking her out. She looked around to see if she can find any familiar face, but there’s no one there she knows. She didn’t even find anyone looking at her.
“What’s the matter Hyukkie?” Kyuhyun’s concerned voice startled her a little.
“Nothing… I- never mind.” She murmured before she proceeded walking.
---
Donghae watched the retreating figure of the family before taking the shortcut to the hospital’s parking lot. He was already seated on the driver’s seat of his car when the family’s car stopped in front of the lobby. He was expecting Hyukjae and Kyuhyun to ride there as well, but they were left out. After the car left, they walked towards the parking lot, to a car a few cars from his own. He recognized it as Hyukjae’s old car, the one she used when she was still a student.
When the car maneuvered its way out of the parking space, Donghae followed hastily. He needs to know what the twins are up to… He kept maintained a distance from the car but keeping it always in sight; he doesn’t want to arouse Kyuhyun’s suspicion. If he does, the more he wouldn’t get a chance to talk to Hyukjae.
A few minutes into the drive, he saw their car stop in front of a flower shop. Only Hyukjae went out of the car and entered the shop and when she went out, she had a bouquet of white flowers in her hand.
---
Kyuhyun had noticed that a car has been following them from the hospital, and by the looks of it, he can already guess who was inside.
The car parked a couple of establishments away from the flower shop. His jaws pressed together tightly. It doesn’t matter if the guy was persistent in bothering his sister’s already peaceful life, he will surely do everything in his power to keep that from happening. He’ll dodge every little attempt that the other will make.
When Hyukjae got inside the car, he turned to a different route and sped up.
“Kyuhyun? What’s happening?” Hyukjae frowned at the change of demeanor of her brother.
“Reporters. I think I’ve spotted a couple of them. This is what I’m telling you about, Hyukjae.”
“I’m sorry…” Hyukjae said her eyes fixed on the flowers on her lap.
“Not your fault sis… Some of them are just…despicable bastards.” Kyuhyun said acidly.
“If it’s going to cause us too much trouble, then maybe it is better that I see her some other day?”
“Nah…” Kyuhyun glanced at the rearview mirror and didn’t see the white Audi that was trailing them earlier. “It’s safe, we’ve lost them.”
“Are you sure?” Hyukjae took a peek outside.
“Yes.”
----
Donghae punched the steering wheel of his car when he lost sight of Hyukjae’s car. He shouldn’t have underestimated Kyuhyun’s sharp observation skills.
He sighed in partial defeat. It was a lost opportunity, but it only fuelled him up even more.
“Hyukjae-ah…” He slumped his back on the seat of his car, feeling a tremendous lost of energy all of a sudden.
---
The day was fine, but sadness crept through Hyukjae as the car went inside the gate of the cemetery. It’s been seven years since she was last there.
“Do you want me to accompany you?” Kyuhyun offered and Hyukjae shook her head. She owes her daughter seven years of visits; she’d like to talk to her alone.
“I’d like to go alone…”
“Okay… If you need anything, I’ll be nearby, okay?”
She nodded and stepped out of the car. The wind blew lightly, as if greeting her. The heels of her sandals clicked as she walked towards the part of the cemetery where her daughter lies.
The grave of her daughter was well maintained. Her parents kept their promise to her that they’ll take care of it.
She uttered a silent prayer and she didn’t realize that tears started falling endlessly from her eyes. She crouched and knelt on the grass.
“I’m so sorry sweetheart…” She began. “It’s been so long… are you angry at me? Please don’t be. Please…” Her throat felt tighter with every word. She felt more awful because she knew she was not able to do what she promised her - her promise to bring only smiles when she comes to visit her again - because there she was, still broken. Seven years did nothing to heal her.
The next hour was spent in unbreakable silence. In her mind, Hyukjae gave her daughter a detailed account of how her life has been and how painful and how hard it was for her.
“Minkyu would have loved to play with you… I’ll see if I can bring her with me next time…” She said out loud the moment she found her voice again. She continued until she run out of things to say. She took a pause to imagine how her daughter would’ve answered her.
She doesn’t know if it was her imagination or what, but she thought she heard a little voice whispering something to her.
‘Appa misses you too…’
“Does he?” A bitter smile formed in her lips “How would you know baby? You haven’t even met him…” The needles on her chest pricked deeper into her already bleeding heart.
She waited for an answer, but the voice never came. Or more like, it probably never really existed. She took it as her cue to leave.
“I’ll be back soon okay? My stay here is not yet permanent… Umma still needs to fix some things with her job, but really soon my angel… Don’t stop guiding me, and your Appa… I love you.”
Another gentle blow of the wind told her that her daughter has given her permission.
----
“I’m sorry I kept you waiting Kyuhyunnie…”
“It’s okay… What did my niece tell you?” Kyuhyun patted her sister’s head.
“She told me she’s been a good angel.” Hyukjae said with a small smile on her lips.
“Wonder where she got it from; you were naughty when we were young,” Kyuhyun absent-mindedly and Hyukjae’s expression softened.
“Maybe she took it after her dad…” She said almost inaudibly.
“That’s not true. She doesn’t have a father.” Kyuhyun said, his voice straining from the...hate that he feels for the other man.
“Kyuhyun…”
“Stop thinking about him. It’s not healthy.”
Hyukjae realized it was futile to object to her brother.
----
Donghae’s heartbeat skipped when he spotted the familiar car going out of the cemetery. He felt goosebumps rise in parts of his body as a dream that he had been having for the past years suddenly crossed his mind.
Appa… Appa…. Umma… Umma…
His words felt too real… His presence felt too real, but it was all a dream. It was a fleeting dream that would never take her away from reality no matter how much she wants it too.
She wiped her cheek dry and got up. She was surprised to realize that she was on the couch; she didn’t remember falling asleep there.
‘We’ll talk soon... I love you…’
Chills went up her spine. Could it be…?
Impossible.
She didn’t like the feeling of dismissing her own thougts, but it was better than entertaining some kind of delusion that her mind has apparently conjured. She already stopped believing in magic and fairytales.
“I see the princess is awake,” There was a twinkle in her father’s eyes as his cheerful voice reached her.
“Morning Dad… How are you feeling?” She smiled at him.
“Feeling as strong as a horse now, sweetie. I’d say I’m ninety-nine percent recovered already; you don’t have to worry.” He said.
“But where’s the remaining one percent?” She raised her brow at her father’s answer.
“At home… I’ll get it back when we go home. Hopefully soon.”
“Aish… My king of a father is acting like a spoiled little prince,” Hyukjae said lightly. “Don’t worry dad, they said they’ll be doing the tests today so in a day or two you’ll be probably released.”
“Hope so… By the way, how was your sleep?” His father’s tone was too casual that it bothered her.
“It was pretty good, but I don’t remember sleeping here. Did you lift me, Appa?” She frowned.
“Sweetheart, much as I want to, I can’t. Not with this,” He raised his hand with the IV.
“Then how?” She mumbled.
“I heard you last night. You were talking… ‘So tired… Need couch.’ “ Her father chuckled in amusement.
“I don’t sleep talk and sleep walk Appa!” She pouted.
“Or maybe your guardian angel brought you there because he thought that his ward was being too stubborn, insisting that she sleeps on my bedside even though it hurts her back,” A meaningful gaze landed on Hyukjae’s face. “But don’t ask me how your guardian looks like… I didn’t see. I was already asleep.” He added.
“Maybe I walked when I was asleep…” Hyukjae said quietly. It’s more plausible than thinking someone else was in the room with them… because she’d once again be hoping and wishing that it was Donghae.
And it will only put her sanity on the line.
-----
Kyuhyun’s expression hardened as he spotted a figure he only knows too well: Donghae. He would like to think it a coincidence, but by the looks of it, it’s not. It was their father’s last day on the hospital and he’s not going to let his sister catch a glimpse of the man. His sister’s been hurt enough.
He gave a hard stare at the other and Donghae returned it without batting an eyelash. If only he happened to meet Donghae in any other place, he would have gladly landed a punch on the other’s face.
He didn’t know how long they’ve been staring each other down. His attention was only taken away from the stare-down when the door of the room swung open.
“Kyuhyunnie? What are you doing there?” His wife asked.
“Nothing Sungminnie… I just saw someone I know.” Kyuhyun’s eyes darted toward the spot where he saw Donghae but the other was no longer there. Sungmin followed her husband’s gaze.
“Hmmmn… Is it a woman?” Her tone hinted jealousy.
“I have only three women and one little girl in my life,” Kyuhyun said. It was easier to change the topic than tell her that he saw Donghae. His wife often told him that she thinks there must be a deep reason why Donghae did what he did; she believes he deserves a chance to redeem himself.
But for Kyuhyun, there’s no chance for redemption, not after all the terrible things and struggles that his sister went through. She deserves someone better.
“Well then, come on in.” Sungmin held her hand out and pulled Kyuhyun inside the room.
---
Donghae pressed his back against the wall, in a corridor a few meters away from where he previously stood. He should have been more careful. He saw the contempt written in Kyuhyun’s eyes, and he knew that all of it is directed at him. In those eyes he saw a glaring warning that he should not even dare to show himself to Hyukjae if he knows what’s good for him.
He understands where Kyuhyun’s coming from, but he knew it should not stop him from chasing after Hyukjae. The words of her father were enough to boost his confidence, his love for Hyukjae more than enough for him to face anything.
---
“You heard that Dad? No more fatty food from now on.” Hyukjae repeated what the doctor advised.
“Aigoo, Umma… I think our house will be an extension of the hospital with our daughter around,” Her father turned to his wife.
“So you better follow. You wouldn’t want to upset our nurse.” Her Umma squeezed her father’s hand.
“Bill’s settled, and the cars are ready.” Kyuhyun announced as he closed the door behind him.
“Kyuhyun, did you bring my car?” Hyukjae particularly asked her brother to bring her car because she wants to go somewhere.
“I did, but I think it’s better if I drive you over…”
“I can drive… It’s better if you go home with them.” Hyukjae insisted.
“Hyukkie, it’s not safe for you to be roaming around by yourself.”
“Your brother’s right Hyukkie… You need someone to go with you…” Her mother backed up Kyuhyun.
“But I’ll be quick; I won’t stay out for too long.”
“Seoul is different from how it was when you left Hyukkie, it’s not the same. Maybe next time I’ll let you go by yourself, just not today okay?” Kyuhyun said with finality.
“Just agree Hyukkie… You know how paranoid your brother is…” Sungmin chuckled. “I’ll take care of Appa and Umma.” She added.
“Aish… All of you ganging up against me…what do I expect? Fine, I lose.” Hyukjae sighed dramatically. Everybody laughed except for her brother but she didn’t notice that.
The smile on her lips faded as she stepped out of the room, as the familiar feeling of being watched washed over her. Weird as it might seem, it wasn’t freaking her out. She looked around to see if she can find any familiar face, but there’s no one there she knows. She didn’t even find anyone looking at her.
“What’s the matter Hyukkie?” Kyuhyun’s concerned voice startled her a little.
“Nothing… I- never mind.” She murmured before she proceeded walking.
---
Donghae watched the retreating figure of the family before taking the shortcut to the hospital’s parking lot. He was already seated on the driver’s seat of his car when the family’s car stopped in front of the lobby. He was expecting Hyukjae and Kyuhyun to ride there as well, but they were left out. After the car left, they walked towards the parking lot, to a car a few cars from his own. He recognized it as Hyukjae’s old car, the one she used when she was still a student.
When the car maneuvered its way out of the parking space, Donghae followed hastily. He needs to know what the twins are up to… He kept maintained a distance from the car but keeping it always in sight; he doesn’t want to arouse Kyuhyun’s suspicion. If he does, the more he wouldn’t get a chance to talk to Hyukjae.
A few minutes into the drive, he saw their car stop in front of a flower shop. Only Hyukjae went out of the car and entered the shop and when she went out, she had a bouquet of white flowers in her hand.
---
Kyuhyun had noticed that a car has been following them from the hospital, and by the looks of it, he can already guess who was inside.
The car parked a couple of establishments away from the flower shop. His jaws pressed together tightly. It doesn’t matter if the guy was persistent in bothering his sister’s already peaceful life, he will surely do everything in his power to keep that from happening. He’ll dodge every little attempt that the other will make.
When Hyukjae got inside the car, he turned to a different route and sped up.
“Kyuhyun? What’s happening?” Hyukjae frowned at the change of demeanor of her brother.
“Reporters. I think I’ve spotted a couple of them. This is what I’m telling you about, Hyukjae.”
“I’m sorry…” Hyukjae said her eyes fixed on the flowers on her lap.
“Not your fault sis… Some of them are just…despicable bastards.” Kyuhyun said acidly.
“If it’s going to cause us too much trouble, then maybe it is better that I see her some other day?”
“Nah…” Kyuhyun glanced at the rearview mirror and didn’t see the white Audi that was trailing them earlier. “It’s safe, we’ve lost them.”
“Are you sure?” Hyukjae took a peek outside.
“Yes.”
----
Donghae punched the steering wheel of his car when he lost sight of Hyukjae’s car. He shouldn’t have underestimated Kyuhyun’s sharp observation skills.
He sighed in partial defeat. It was a lost opportunity, but it only fuelled him up even more.
“Hyukjae-ah…” He slumped his back on the seat of his car, feeling a tremendous lost of energy all of a sudden.
---
The day was fine, but sadness crept through Hyukjae as the car went inside the gate of the cemetery. It’s been seven years since she was last there.
“Do you want me to accompany you?” Kyuhyun offered and Hyukjae shook her head. She owes her daughter seven years of visits; she’d like to talk to her alone.
“I’d like to go alone…”
“Okay… If you need anything, I’ll be nearby, okay?”
She nodded and stepped out of the car. The wind blew lightly, as if greeting her. The heels of her sandals clicked as she walked towards the part of the cemetery where her daughter lies.
The grave of her daughter was well maintained. Her parents kept their promise to her that they’ll take care of it.
She uttered a silent prayer and she didn’t realize that tears started falling endlessly from her eyes. She crouched and knelt on the grass.
“I’m so sorry sweetheart…” She began. “It’s been so long… are you angry at me? Please don’t be. Please…” Her throat felt tighter with every word. She felt more awful because she knew she was not able to do what she promised her - her promise to bring only smiles when she comes to visit her again - because there she was, still broken. Seven years did nothing to heal her.
The next hour was spent in unbreakable silence. In her mind, Hyukjae gave her daughter a detailed account of how her life has been and how painful and how hard it was for her.
“Minkyu would have loved to play with you… I’ll see if I can bring her with me next time…” She said out loud the moment she found her voice again. She continued until she run out of things to say. She took a pause to imagine how her daughter would’ve answered her.
She doesn’t know if it was her imagination or what, but she thought she heard a little voice whispering something to her.
‘Appa misses you too…’
“Does he?” A bitter smile formed in her lips “How would you know baby? You haven’t even met him…” The needles on her chest pricked deeper into her already bleeding heart.
She waited for an answer, but the voice never came. Or more like, it probably never really existed. She took it as her cue to leave.
“I’ll be back soon okay? My stay here is not yet permanent… Umma still needs to fix some things with her job, but really soon my angel… Don’t stop guiding me, and your Appa… I love you.”
Another gentle blow of the wind told her that her daughter has given her permission.
----
“I’m sorry I kept you waiting Kyuhyunnie…”
“It’s okay… What did my niece tell you?” Kyuhyun patted her sister’s head.
“She told me she’s been a good angel.” Hyukjae said with a small smile on her lips.
“Wonder where she got it from; you were naughty when we were young,” Kyuhyun absent-mindedly and Hyukjae’s expression softened.
“Maybe she took it after her dad…” She said almost inaudibly.
“That’s not true. She doesn’t have a father.” Kyuhyun said, his voice straining from the...hate that he feels for the other man.
“Kyuhyun…”
“Stop thinking about him. It’s not healthy.”
Hyukjae realized it was futile to object to her brother.
----
Donghae’s heartbeat skipped when he spotted the familiar car going out of the cemetery. He felt goosebumps rise in parts of his body as a dream that he had been having for the past years suddenly crossed his mind.
Appa… Appa…. Umma… Umma…