Cockroach and Separation Anxiety
This past weekend was fast and stressful...Cyrano was crazy; we had a couple of immense cockroaches running around backstage Friday night, when we had to do a complete strike of the dressing area because there was a wedding in the same room on Saturday... I attach the poem I wrote in response to the first bug; the second happened later and if I hadn't already been deranged from the first, I probably would not have screamed and had complete meltdown in front of god and everyone. I really am doing much better with this phobia, but I was tired, stressed, and way too unprepared. I got complacent because I hadn't seen any, but I know they are everywhere. I know the critters are around now; I will be fine now that I can prepare.
I posted the poem in the dressing area Saturday; Jimmy P. asked for a copy and several of the younger crowd came and told me they liked it. So I feel good about the writing. Yes, this is the same Jimmy mentioned in the poem, and he assures me I do not underestimate the bug's dimensions.
I auditioned for OCTC (local theater company) for Amadeus and for Macbeth. I read well, so I have hopes, but there are billions of good actor women in my age range, so it's always a long shot. I got back from auditions to help Evan finish packing, which involved finding the right carry on, packing up one of my guitars for my nephew to try to learn on, and cleaning the mud off her field boots, which she was planning to wear on the plane (being as they are a bitch to pack). She didn't see why they should be clean. We got them used, and they fit her beautifully, but they've never been maintained and the leather was drying out from lack of care. So we (I did one as demo and she did the other) cleaned and mink oiled her boots. She will black them when she gets to VA (I hope); at least now when she wears them to ride in Slovenia they won't look utterly disreputable--just well worn.
She doesn't get why it's a good idea to vacuum up the cat hair either...she would happily live in a stable with horses and cats and dirt...I'm not a neat freak, but I maintain things and I don't like piles of hair and dust!!!! If this is my major drawback as a mom, so be it!
Today she actually gets on the plane in VA and sets out for Europe. I'm about to call her for a final goodbye; I hope we remembered everything we are supposed to have remembered. I get scared watching her put 1200 lbs of horse over a 4 ft. wall; this is actually OK but I'm very nervy about it.
Peaces,
H.
(Poem follows)
BIG BUG
When the
Three
Inch
Long
Cockroach
crawled through the dressing room
and jimmy started to play with it
because it was
amazing
I was ok
for a minute
or two
or even three
Then the tightness in the brain
and the sickness in the chest
and the spiraling
coiling
Worms
in the belly
filled me up
and I
FREAKED OUT
Quietly, though.
I’ve been learning not to be freaked out by
Cockroaches
I’ve been getting better
Recently
I’ve tried to be
Adult
about my phobia
Grownup
about my issues.
But this was a
Three
Inch
Long
Cockroach.
It took me a while to calm down enough
to get mad
Angry
ENRAGED
at the stupid
Bug.
Now I can handle
the tighness and
the sick feelng and
the worms
and the
God damned
Three
Inch
Long
Fucking
Cockroach.
--A. J. Bednar
7/20/07 backstage at C. de B.