Blinded
Title: Blinded
Author: habitualunacy
Pairing: Nichkhun/Wooyoung
Rating: PG-13
Genre: Romance, Angst
Summary: Sometimes what we're looking for has always been right by our side.
A/N: Khun's POV, thoughts, "speech"
(Disclaimer: Don't own the pic, just edited it.)
Whenever I look into his eyes I often wonder,
What does he see?
___
Sometimes I think you do it on purpose because you know very well that people find you charming. But still foolishly just like them, I fell for your childish antics and witty remarks. However there are those split second moments, like a brief pause for a breath, whenever you thought no one was watching that made me wonder,
Do you even have an idea how dangerous your charms are?
You didn't even have to do anything. And yet somehow my vision suddenly moves as if I was watching a movie in slow motion. You being the main star and me as the viewer that captures and drinks in your every movement, forever tormented by the fact that I can only look at you.
You suddenly flashed your innocent eyes on me because you've finally caught me staring and smiling at you.
I wished time would stop then.
But the movie has to go on regardless of how the ending might be and I have to stay put in my seat, so I shook my head to signal you that it was nothing. You smiled at me before you looked away and continued your activities. It was only then that I realized I was holding my breath.
You are far too real for me, and I'm too afraid to awake myself from my illusions.
I tried you know…
I tried really hard… to look at you as a little brother, to be by your side as your friend, to look out for you as your teammate, to exist as someone who’s less than…
I tried so hard I even fooled myself to the point that I started to initiate skin ship just to prove to myself that “it’s okay” since we’re brothers. I convinced myself that it’d be more abnormal not to be close to you, after all “it’s just fan service” nothing more.
But it was like adding gas to an already burning flame.
The thought of being near you, touching you and simply inhaling the same air as you became an addiction that I tried with all my strength to control.
Just then, I was casted in WGM, and I thought heaven must be on my side. The timing was so perfect. Any more time withholding the feelings I feel inside and the things that I’m thinking about would render me mad. At least in this way I can release all of my hopeless romanticism every week.
Using another person for something you want to do to another is not admirable but it was what I needed to keep myself sane. People already think I’m too perfect. So let me have this one flaw.
But then things are often easier said than done and facades rarely last.
I tried not looking at you, not touching you, not being near you. Although the other members didn’t notice anything different, you of all people knew something changed. So while I was intentionally blinding myself you continued on playing the role of my dongseng without questioning the sudden distance between us.
I thought I could live with my foolish pretense forever but there will always come a time when a person’s want becomes a need and that need becomes a drive that pushes the person beyond the end of his sanity.
__
We were watching something Taecyeon recommended and while the rest were sprawled on the floor I was with you on the sofa. Your hand was just simply hanging by the side. I shouldn’t have noticed it nor should I have been thinking of grabbing it.
I took a deep breath.
Once.
Twice.
But the more I clouded my vision, the more vivid it becomes. The moment I opened my eyes, I could only see you so irresistibly close. Too close. I’ve held your hand many times but I haven’t longed to hold it like now. As I lose my sanity within the next few seconds I wondered,
How come even in my own blindness I have found you?
When my hand finally reached yours, there was no electricity, no fireworks, and no imaginary butterflies in the stomach, just this one simple thought,
If eternity does exist, then I would want to hold your hand that long.
You looked at me abruptly as if you heard me call your name but your eyes didn’t show any sign of disgust and you didn’t even question my obscure action nor did you remove your hand from my grasp. You remained where you were, beside me with your hand intertwined to mine like it was the most natural thing in the world. You remained silent and I could only wish I can conceal the smile that’s trying to make its way on my face as you grip my hand tightly.
I don’t know who let go first, but when someone asked about dinner we were once again in the same distance as before. Later that night I began to think that maybe it’s time to stop the façade and come clean.
Your head suddenly showed at the door of my room,
“Khun hyung we’re ordering pizza, do you want anything?”
But then, once I have removed the mask you might see all my flaws and insecurities.
“I’m okay with anything.”
You were about to leave,
“Wooyoung ah…”
You paused and looked at me questioningly
“Would you like to grab an ice cream later?”
Would you still accept the imperfect me?
“Sure. Your treat.”
You said that with a huge grin on your face then you left stringing my heart with you.